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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel absolutely dreasful about asking parents for equity release.

383 replies

Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 10:33

Just that really.

I'm in a very difficult position with a one pre school DC and one school aged dc and working part time. Unfortunately h left me two years ago (there were problems but I would have worked at it- he is now unemployed and living at his mums). Our home is rented and the land lord has made noises about wanting to sell for the equity. A little, cheap house has come up locally to buy (unusual as is an area with low housing stock) and I could just about do it if one or other of my parents released a relatively small amount of equity (about 100K each) Between them their homes are valued at about 3.5 milion. They have never given me any money before.
My mum is livid I have even asked her and says I am spoilt and grasping. My dad simply put the phone down on me. My brother said I should expect these reactions.

I feel dreadful. Is it so bad to ask this of them? At the end of the day it is security for their grandchildren while still school age and the money will go to them eventually in some form.

Am I naive, grabby, entitled?

Perfectly prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable. Go easy though I'm a bit sore from all the stress!

OP posts:
throwingpebbles · 20/01/2017 14:38

I can totally sympathise with your wish to be a homeowner Op, and with your despair at the stresses of renting.

I also understand how hard it is to have parents with plenty but no inclination /ability to help. I personally am tryjng to ensure I have a better balance for my children. My parents haven't been able to help much at all despite having an enormous (8 bedroom) house. All their wealth is tied up in the equity. I am proud of being independent, but it is hard watching friends have much easier lives because they were given a leg up onto the housing ladder at just the right time.

So, you have my empathy. but (as I think you now realise), you went about this in totally the wrong way. And I can understand why your parents were offended by the way you sought their help.

I think the best thing you can do now is apologise profusely, explain why you had the lapse of judgement (worrying about losing this house etc) and find a way to make amends.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/01/2017 14:44

YANBU to ask your own parents to help prevent their own daughter and grandchildren becoming homeless.

Slightly OTT. The OP can continue to rent.

ShatnersWig · 20/01/2017 14:45

The huge majority of parents and grandparents help their descendants with significant sums

Like another poster, I'm going to challenge that.

My beloved nan died last year. She left very little other than the cash she stored in the house (I know). The four grandchildren (of which I am one) got £500 each. Her three children got £1,000 each. That's all there was.

I am 42 and have never asked my parents for money. They've never been remotely well off and at 62 and 64 have just paid off a mortgage on a small two-bed house. Even when my relationship broke down and I had to find somewhere to live, I didn't ask. They offered practical help as that's what they could do. Last year I needed to buy a new car (but still second hand). They offered me £1,000. I did accept this as they made a point of being very insistent, that they wanted to help, that they could afford this now they had no mortgage (they both still work) and always felt bad they couldn't have helped financially in the past and that when I was little I never really had anything (we didn't go on holiday until I was 14 and then only to the Isle of Wight).

RebelandaStunner · 20/01/2017 14:51

Equity release is a lot different to downsizing. Equity release is not something I would ever consider. However downsizing also has the benefit of having a smaller easier to manage house as you get older, your money helping out yourselves and your loved ones while you're still around to see and placing family houses back on the market.
Both our parents live in big houses with huge gardens that they are struggling to maintain just to keep the family home. I can't fathom why, but we won't be making the same mistake.

Basicbrown · 20/01/2017 15:14

The huge majority of parents and grandparents help their descendants with significant sums

Right OK that's a rather upper middle class statement if ever I heard one.

EmeraldScorn · 20/01/2017 15:18

My family don't have assets in the millions but if they had what I needed they would give it to me in a heartbeat and I wouldn't need to ask, it would just be offered.

However, 200k isn't loose change and I can understand why your parents would be reluctant to loan it to you but I think their reaction was over the top and completely unnecessary.

I see why they are annoyed though - You're asking them to release equity, maybe they'd feel different if it was a cash loan as opposed to it being a situation where they in essence would be paying back to the bank. Perhaps they are at a time of life where that's too much of a daunting thought, a burden they don't feel comfortable with.

I think maybe you're being unrealistic and overly optimistic but I don't think you are intentionally being "grabby" or "entitled".

Memoires · 20/01/2017 15:45

What does "reasonable provision" mean? Is it now law, or was it just a discussion on the radio?

Reasonable provision could be 5K, or "all the good bedding" or something. You cannot hold expectations against inheritance, it's the road to misery unless you are very lucky (and you don't sound as if you have been so far, sorry).

If you can stand on your own feet, funnily enough, people become much more inclined to help.

Darlink · 20/01/2017 15:48

I'm not surprised you feel dreadful.

Original poster
Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 15:59

Actually I think I've been very lucky. I have a great career which is transferable, I have amazing children and I haven't had to endure years of misery, trapped in a home, because I bought a house with a loveless spouse.

I am in a horrible position with the rental market as I'm sure many can empathise, with the worry of instability for the kids. Happily, Df has called to say he is sorry he put the phone down and we are going out for dinner to talk through how he can help.

OP posts:
witsender · 20/01/2017 16:16

I'm quite surprised at the tone of these responses, as the general attitude on MN is that expecting help from parents when you are an adult isn't the done thing...Yet the majority think that the Op isn't being unreasonable.

If they had liquid assets, savings etc then asking for a loan is one thing. Asking for an equity release on their homes is another, and I'm amazed you thought it appropriate. Especially given you have no intention of paying back, merely servicing the interest.

Can the children's father look after them around school times if he is not working, meaning you can work more? Or use childcare? Or just rent, half the bloody country does.

Their responses sound rude, but their attitude is not unreasonable.

Peanutandphoenix · 20/01/2017 16:23

I feel for you OP and I'm sorry that your LL has put you in this awkward position but there are ways that you can sort it out without needing the bank of mum and dad and making yourself sound grabby and entitled look at houses to rent in diffrernt areas I know you don't want the upheaval for the dc's but it's easier to move now than when they are in the middle of doing their GCSE's and it will be less stressful for them now. Go and speak to your local council tell them that your LL is wanting/talking about selling up they might be able to help you out if you end up homeless because you have 2 young dc's your last option is to look in to getting a mortgage yourself but as you work pt it might be difficult for you to pay back so maybe wait until your youngest has started school and think about going ft like you say you want to that will make it easier to get a mortgage and you will be in a better position to pay it back. I hope you get sorted out soon OP.

EssentialHummus · 20/01/2017 16:24

That sounds like progress OP.

I have to say, in my culture (I'm Jewish) there is much more of an expectation that parents/older relatives will help wherever they can*, so I'm truly shocked at both your parents' reactions, but it looks like your DF has since calmed down a bit. I hope it's a productive conversation even if you don't get material help.

*To the extent that at the age of 31 and on a very good salary I still have random aunties stuffing £20 notes in my jacket when I visit.

Gazelda · 20/01/2017 16:27

That's good news OP. I hope you and he can chat over some ideas to help you work towards a settled and happy home for you and DC.

Lorelei76 · 20/01/2017 16:37

Thats good op
Now take the right approach
Say you'd be grateful for help including a loan that you repay
Do not mention guff you heard on radio 4 or mention that you assumed you would inherit! I don't have kids btw but I'd be happy for them to inherit - I'd have lumbered them with being in the world after all
But this very idea gives some people the rage p, your cold parents might be in that group.

JaxingJump · 20/01/2017 16:44

I wouldn't have asked my parents. I wouldn't have had to. They would have offered it if it was affordable or whatever they could afford.

Every family is different but I can't see me ever not helping my children in their lives where I can. There will be solid expectations of them helping themselves but I will always be behind them emotionally and yes, financially when needed. The plan is to get them to adulthood well able to stand on their own two feet and not needing financial help from us but life is complex and I'll always be there for them.

Original poster
Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 16:48

Exactly jaxing. That's how I feel.

OP posts:
witsender · 20/01/2017 16:52

But they don't have the money. Their house is worth a lot, but unless they have loads of cash stacked away they don't have it!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/01/2017 16:56

But they don't have the money. Their house is worth a lot, but unless they have loads of cash stacked away they don't have it!

^ this

People seem to be mixing up cash and assets.

This whole thing involves OP taking no risks at all.

steff13 · 20/01/2017 17:13

I'm not sure I understand the scenario here. The OP gets $100K from each of her parents, uses that to buy a home worth $300K, and then what does the OP pay? Just the mortgage on the remaining $100K? If the parents are expected to take home equity loan to obtain the $100K each, who pays that?

Whatthefoxgoingon · 20/01/2017 17:16

Asking your parents to release equity on their own home which they live in is a bastarding thing to do.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 20/01/2017 17:18

If my children asked me to do that I would not be happy.

Asking for £100k I've got spare down the back of the sofa, is another matter and I'd loan that.

mambono5 · 20/01/2017 17:27

The huge majority of parents and grandparents help their descendants with significant sums

Right OK that's a rather upper middle class statement if ever I heard one

I don't know, I am most obviously working class, and in my experience it's true. At least parents and grandparents help as much as they possibly can. It's only on MN that I have discovered the hatred against the concept of helpful family, never came across that in real life.

mothertruck3r · 20/01/2017 17:30

I cannot image (literally cannot) imagine sitting on a million pound house and watching one of my kid's kids and my grandkids struggle in rented accommodation.

This ^. I think your parents sound incredibly selfish.

Original poster
Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 17:36

I should point out tha they also have an investment portfolio etc. I don't know exactly what they have as its not been openly discussed. The hysterical hand wringing of some posters - whatthefox- speaks more of their insecurities than anything written about my situation.

I will take all good advice given here and have a sensible discussion with Df this eve.

OP posts:
Whatthefoxgoingon · 20/01/2017 17:44

Oh get over yourself. You asked a ridiculous question and got the phone put down on you. Lots of people have told you you were unreasonable and entitled.

I haven't got any insecurities about my parents. We have a great relationship and thankfully don't have to ask them for any money as I make more than enough.