To feel absolutely dreasful about asking parents for equity release.

[Meluamelua]

Just that really.

I'm in a very difficult position with a one pre school DC and one school aged dc and working part time. Unfortunately h left me two years ago (there were problems but I would have worked at it- he is now unemployed and living at his mums). Our home is rented and the land lord has made noises about wanting to sell for the equity. A little, cheap house has come up locally to buy (unusual as is an area with low housing stock) and I could just about do it if one or other of my parents released a relatively small amount of equity (about 100K each) Between them their homes are valued at about 3.5 milion. They have never given me any money before.
My mum is livid I have even asked her and says I am spoilt and grasping. My dad simply put the phone down on me. My brother said I should expect these reactions.

I feel dreadful. Is it so bad to ask this of them? At the end of the day it is security for their grandchildren while still school age and the money will go to them eventually in some form.

Am I naive, grabby, entitled?

Perfectly prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable. Go easy though I'm a bit sore from all the stress!

You weren't BU to ask for help and I am glad you got it in the end.

Prima, I am sorry if you think I was being insensitive. I was just trying to make the point that the OP's parents may not be as well off as she thinks or appearances suggest. They may not be poor, but they may not have ready access to a substantial sum to give to OP, especially if they have mortgages, other financial commitments etc.

Cam, you weren't being insensitive. You were making a valid point.

I'm pleased you've had that chat with DF. My mum helped me and Dsis with our deposits as she understands how difficult it is.

I cannot see where she mentioned 'old money'.

In old money is a saying.

If she says her nerve was touched, fair enough. We can do without Nerve Police on the forum.

Well I'll just shut up then.

If the parents are in a good financial position to help their single parent child out and grandchildren then it would be a nice thing to be able to help them. Perhaps the way you asked instead of explaining the situation was not the way to do it (by phone was quite inappropriate and the way you describe it sound rather like a demand).

People however saying my parents would never even give me £1k that's hardly something to brag about, as families do and should help each other. I would help my child out if I could in that situation.

Just read the outcome. Nice to hear it all worked out in the end with your chat with your dad and that he offered to help I think the problem is in this country it's all stiff upper lip when people would be better talking about their problems to their family.

That's such a relief op.

I just can't imagine having a house worth £3.5 million and not helping my dc. Life is tough. I don't get peoples' horror at reaching out and asking for help. £100k is nothing set against 3.5 million. It's a vast amount otherwise yes but in this case, no.

Your parents may have their money locked up the two houses and intended for when they need care. They might have to sell up to help - is that what you thought? A house of £1m is common in some areas, not necessarily massive or special - a factor of local rises

I feel for you. When my husband and I were divorcing he offered me a deal where I gave him a cash sum and he gave up his interest in our house. I couldnt borrow the money so I asked my parents to give me the money most of which I expected to inherit in due course. They refused and my sister was very angry I had asked at all. As it turned out they had changed their Wills in her favour after her husband's death but didn't want to tell me. I was very hurt when I eventually found out, more for their lack of understanding or sympathy for my position than for their refusal to help me financially. Ruined our relationship really. I still feel sad when I think about it.

Actually, Atenco I am quite sure that this is what we will do. It is what has been happening in both our families for several generations - both my own parents (Northern UK) and my partners parents (Southern Japan) have been quite prepared to make huge sacrifices for their children, (not moving house, but other major things on a similar scale) as did their parents before them - it will just be our turn.
I understand that in some ways people have great intentions until the time comes and then it changes as reality hits them - but this won't be the case for us. One of the reasons we are stopping at 2 kids is that we will be able to afford to set up each one with a decent house deposit when the time comes - but a third would be a stretch. I was a single parent for several years with my first - had an abusive ex etc etc - there is literally no chance I would leave my child floundering. I'm by no means as wealthy as 3.5 million and won't be in the future either (unless we win the lottery) but I absolutely would NOT react in the way OP's parents have.

What surprises me from this thread is how many people seem to think it's ok to ask for so much money. While I do agree it is kind to help out your children if able but I am surprised that posters think they should move house or get loans on the houses to help out. I thought I mixed with quite well to do people but any help from parents has been helping towards a deposit (a couple of thousand) and not pay for 2/3rds of the house. From what I gather these have also been generous gifts, not from the children expecting it from their parents.

In the future I do plan on helping my children out with housing and whatever they need if I'm able but I'm not sure I would like to feel forced to downsize or remortgage. I also don't like the patronising posts saying 'they should be downsizing anyway because of house being too big/ inheritance tax' etc etc. We have no idea about their affairs and the only people who should be deciding if they downsize is them! It's their bloody property.

OP has already reached some sort of agreement with her DF, so that's good. However, some posters are still banging on about the parents downsizing their £3.5m property. As OP had already explained, this I'd not one property. The parents are divorced and each has their own home. The combined value of the homes I'd £3.5m. In this area, mid terraced houses, bog standard 3 bedroom homes with an OK sized garden - mine is 60feet - are asking around £600,000 and up. This is on a busy road. Anything in the side roads, nearer to schools, shops, railway etc, are starting at over£800,000. So I can see it is perfectly feasible to have a house worth over £1m and for it to not be 'special'or especially big. By the time parents would have covered the costs associated with selling and buying, they would in effect be giving op way more than £100,000. If they did equity release, depending on how long they live, there's a very real possibility there wouldn't be enough equity left for the ops brother to have any inheritance the parents would have liked him to have. I suppose that's 'just tough'? And don't even begin to think about how it might affect ability to pay for care homes if ever they were needed.
I would like to be able to help my dcs , but the fact is, that we have no way to do that. So sadly, they will have to wait for us to die when they will inherit whatever is in our estate at that time. Unless anybody else leaves them anything before then, but unlikely as my mum is in rented accommodation and if MIL shares hers out equally (not a given) it will be split lots of ways so no-one will get a substantial sum anyway. It's hard knowing that you can't do what your heart wants to, but that's the way it is.

I'm really pleased that your DF heard your whole situation out, and is prepared to help. I imagine you're very relieved.

Now, that's how families are supposed to work! You tell them you're in trouble and they tell you what they can do to help. You'd made the decision for them before they even knew there was a problem so forced their hands, and no wonder they pushed back.

Once you all sit down and talk about it, you can solve the problem together. Glad it all worked out, and hope that that continues. Good luck for your future!

Bearing in mind the IHT liability the OPs parents have, if I was in their position I would rather my own family had the benefit of the money now rather than the revenue have this money when I have passed away.

If they do equity release faraway the amount that will be owed upon their death due to interest being added will far outweigh the IHT on that proportion of the property

Remember that the interest rolls up/compounds, this is what many people fail to grasp, the amount owed increases exponentially

Equity release is very inefficient for most people, downsizing makes more sense, but people don't like the loss of status that comes from living in a more modest property

That's just it former. I don't think people realise how expensive equity release is. I imagine that £100,000 taken as equity release will end up
With in excess of £200,000 owing if the person lives for 15 years plus. The IHT on £100,000 would not amount to £100,000.

Moving in with one of your parents for the short term (to enable you to have a full time job and to facilitate childcare) would be more helpful in your scenario. That's what I would hope my parents would do for me - this would improve your job prospects and help you acquire your own savings/deposit/mortgage in the near future.

Equity release gives the opportunity to have your cake and eat it
But at a price far in excess of the value of the cake

All of you banging on about "how do you expect them to pay the loan back" need to actually research and understand how an equity release loan works! If both parents own their houses outright and release equity her parents don't pay anything back. It gets deducted from their estate when they die. I think everyone is misunderstanding the concept here. If OP is due to inherit their houses eventually anyway It is essentially just a way of her recieving her inheritance money early when she ACTUALLY needs it. I'm currently in the process of this with my Mum at the moment. Fed up of not having any security in rented properties and disgraceful Landlords. My DW and I just want some security and stability for our DC. I was having a moan to my Mum about the state or our third rental home in 3 years (first 2 LL sold up and this one we have a LL who is making our lives hell and as such we don't have a good relationship with and probably won't renew the tenancy in April). She said jokingly "shame I can't snuff it and let you have your inheritance early to get on the property ladder". I replied that there is actually ways i.e Equity release and even though it was a joke to start with after looking into it we all realised what a fantastic Idea it was. My S is struggling financially, myself and DW are dragging our 2 DC around moving houses which isn't fair, my Mum has just her and my Dad's pension to live off and isn't exactly having a fantastic enjoyable retirement. She doesn't want to move as the house has sentimental value and she likes where she lives. So it was a no brainer. I get enough money to secure a deposit, my S gets enough to sort her finances out and put whatevers left in savings. My Mum will have a chunk so she can finally start to enjoy her retirement. Fair dos when she dies the house gets sold and doing it this way means myself and S get no inheritance that's that, but why live in poverty for 15 - 20 years when there's money sat in a property doing nothing and can help everyone be comfortable and financially secure now. I don't think you're being unreasonable. Fair enough my family have always supported each other of we can and I know that's not the case with every family so you were bound to get some negative comments, but those that are having a go, do your homework before bashing the OP as half of these replies you're going on your soap boxes offering your moral opinion when you don't even know what you're talking about.

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