To feel absolutely dreasful about asking parents for equity release.

[Meluamelua]

Just that really.

I'm in a very difficult position with a one pre school DC and one school aged dc and working part time. Unfortunately h left me two years ago (there were problems but I would have worked at it- he is now unemployed and living at his mums). Our home is rented and the land lord has made noises about wanting to sell for the equity. A little, cheap house has come up locally to buy (unusual as is an area with low housing stock) and I could just about do it if one or other of my parents released a relatively small amount of equity (about 100K each) Between them their homes are valued at about 3.5 milion. They have never given me any money before.
My mum is livid I have even asked her and says I am spoilt and grasping. My dad simply put the phone down on me. My brother said I should expect these reactions.

I feel dreadful. Is it so bad to ask this of them? At the end of the day it is security for their grandchildren while still school age and the money will go to them eventually in some form.

Am I naive, grabby, entitled?

Perfectly prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable. Go easy though I'm a bit sore from all the stress!

We have given DCs money towards deposit on mortgage. We don't have a 3.5 million pound home.
If you've got the money why wouldn't you?

Yes I'm a single working parent of 3 Aldo but never expected others to pay for me ever.

OH and just to add to my earlier post about receiving zero from parents and grandparents, I now own my own house. and was a single parent too - anything is possible if you want it enough

Unless the OP's parents are cash rich then what their houses are worth is irrelevant. She's asking her parents for 100k, the bank won't give that away for free, it would require remortgaging. There are equity release schemes but then you're basically trading in part of your equity for a lot less cash than its worth. Some parents might do this, not many children would ask I imagine.
Bottom line is, if you can't afford it then working full time and moving area are probably the best options. I could have a great house if I asked my mum for £100k, it's neither here nor there if her house is worth £200k or £2 million. It's still £100 k I'm expecting her to give me for nothing

If you have a really close relationship and they're in a position to help then I can see why you would ask. Tbh if my parents owned a house that valuable I know without a doubt they'd have downsized and insisted on giving me money without me even suggesting it as they are so self less abd generous (probably why theyre so poor) ponders....

I understand from listening to radio 4 this isn't the case,, and parents must make 'reasonable provision' for their children

Thats only for when they are still children, ie under 18. When you are an adult you are legally entitled to nothing.

Joins JaquieFromTheBlock in not having received much at all in the way of financial help from parents and grandparents (I am 43). And I don't expect them to, at all.

All my grandparents died over 30 years ago and all rented and left very little, although one elderly aunt did have a lot of hats of the kind that the Queen Mother used to wear - we kept a few for the dressing up box and stocked an entire charity shop with those.

We did receive £1000 when PILs sold their house when FIL was terminally ill. MIL is now renting and likely to remain penniless.

As said above my widowed DM owns a 4 bed house and a few other bits, but in the north of England, so worth £200k tops. My wishes for her assets are that they make the rest of her life, which could be 20 or 30 years or more as she is still in her 60s, as comfortable as possible - not worrying about putting the heating on, paying for cleaner or gardener if she needs it, nice food and travel while she still can, that sort of thing. Not saving as much as possible to pass on as an inheritence.

We don't have a 3.5 million pound home.

Neither do OPs parents. It is the value of both homes.

If parents are cold when it comes to helping struggling children they will be expecting said children to be similarly cold if they need help when they are struggling

What goes around.....

I think the fact you think 100k is a "small amount" of equity suggests you are spoilt. Even if they are millionaires.

I don't think YABU and I would do the same if I was in a mess and my parents had that much equity in their houses. In my family we ask and OK you might get a 'no' but I wouldn't expect the hostile reaction you have had. Lets face it, it is coming to you eventually (I would expect) and this is the time you really need it!

My parents have just given my brother £20k to buy his house, they have just altered their will so that eventually, he will get £20k +interest less inheritance. He couldn't buy a house otherwise, so now he has a mortgage and is building for the future, instead of the money just festering in a bank earning minimal interest.

£100k sounds a lot though - could you get away with a smaller deposit?

Either way, that is what families are for, you would do the same for your kids if you could and I don't think you should be a pariah for asking the question out of genuine need.

Of course on the other hand depending on the age/relationships/prospects of the parents they aren't necessarily being smart about minimising inheritance tax. If the family set up is relatively straightforward (although I'm assuming divorced) then Hmrc will be in line for a lovely big 40pc chunk of everything over the thresholds. So if you want to maximise what your family gets and minimise what the taxman gets it does make sense to think early.

I have adult DC and my dh and I are lucky to live in a quite expensive home. Yes, we've been fortunate with the housing market but we have also had a very large mortgage all our adult lives. For most of our generation, paying off our mortgage is the 'golden goose'.

I would love to help my DC buy one day. When I say help I mean with a deposit. I would expect to see serious saving of their own towards the purchase and a clear ability to pay the loan and cover costs. In short, I am not a charity or a bank but a loving parent.

We have to remember that our homes are the vast bulk of our net worth. We may have huge care costs in the future, or even want to travel etc. For those who cannot believe how selfish parents sit in their luxury homes whilst their kids struggle....well that's exactly what our own parents did and those before. We have to make outer own way.

OP,my our parents haven't been kind in their reaction but you were U in asking what you did. Make a plan to save for a deposit and share this with them and maybe one day they will help you. Help is really very different from handing on a plate.

my parents have helped all of their DC and their GDC with substantial financial amounts (not £200k though), and they're not a fraction as wealthy as Op's parents. My Auntie helped both her adult DC with deposit help. My ILs helped their DC with deposits. 2 friends I know well enough to ask both had deposit help from their parents - one of them made £60k on a small property because she bought just before prices took off. So I certainly think plenty of parents that can help, do help. Idk whether your parents feel that you hadn't saved enough yourself - I'm not sure how you could in your circumstances though?

OP, there are so many unanswered questions that it makes it very difficult to judge whether you or they ABU. I suspect a little of both.

Do they each own their £1.75m-ish homes, or are they mortgaged?

Do they have partners/spouses and any further children?

Did you phone rather than a face to face conversation?

Did you request a loan/equity release that you had researched, rather than asking whether they could offer any help or advice?

How much is the home you are looking to buy, and how much mortgage could you secure? £200k as a deposit on a £300k house is a 60% deposit so will give you access to great mortgage deals, but if you are paying your own £100k mortgage at, say, £500pcm then you would be looking to pay your parents' loans at 4.4% x 200k so around £700pcm (interest only) so that's £1200 gone before you can put food on the table.

Is your DC father paying maintenance? He is obliged to contribute towards housing you and DC.

Did you suggest buying the house to your parents as an investment if they had capital free, and renting it from them to make it fairer than them gifting you money from the inheritance you might or might not get eventually?

Obviously we're not asking you to post your finances on here, but unless you are earning around £25k you would be unlikely to get a £100k mortgage, but if you are only earning £25k you would not have enough take home to support the mortgage payment, equity release payments and live on (unless receiving decent maintenance payments).

I wish you all the very best of luck in finding a lovely new home for you and your DC

OP you have no legal entitlement to money from your parents estate I'm afraid
Given everything youvee said about them being cold, I think you need to life plan on the basis they will leave you nothing
But you owe them nothing too. Remember that.
Sorry if this hard to hear.

Sorry, just re-read OP and see there is unlikely to be maintenance from XH. Makes it far harder mortgage-wise :-(

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You can ask and they can say yes or no. Simples. It might be unreasonable to expect or demand it, but its not unreasonable to ask.

I'm sorry but I am staggered at some of the responses on here, and real ignorance about what wealth is / isn't and how accesible it is.

some of you seem to be suggesting that OP's DPs who have worked hard all their lives, paid off their mortgage, just settling down to enjoy their retirement in a home they probably love, and they should give that all up (move fucking house - are you for real!) for their DC so she can have 60% deposit on owning a home? Outrageous and entitled expectation. Why the fuck should they?

There are also loads of ignorant posts surrounding "if I had that much cash" - owning a house isn't having cash FFS. Its an asset. An asset they bloody live in!

Sorry OP but I assume they hung op, got pissed off, based on a background of you being grabby and spoilt, and here's another example of OP expecting something for nothing.

There are loads of ways parents can help their children without giving up their bloody house! You should have outlined the situation you are in (face to face) and asked if they had any ideas of how to move forward. Like, I dunno, a grown up would!

How do you know what their homes are worth ? Think YABVU I've a sister similar to you who'd have no issue asking and expecting she even knew how much my dad's ( we have different DF ) house was worth and happily sat there telling me I'd be rolling in it when he pops his clogs .
I've never been given anything and I'm glad I haven't.

My parents are generous and helpful but they would have reacted in exactly the same way if I had done this.

If I was actually facing homelessness and all other options had been exhausted I think that they would probably offer equity release if I was actually up against it. But if I approached them with vague noises that there was a possibility at some point in the future I might have to move but I'd seen a house I liked right now and please would they buy it for me - and here's a plan I have detailing exactly how you can do it. They would tell me to fuck right off to the far end of fuck and not come back.

There's a big difference between helping out someone who's desperate and someone who makes pretty vague noises of foreboding to justify asking for something pretty unreasonable. Especially when there are plenty of alternative options which have not been exhausted.

Also, given inflation is expected to rise steeply there is no guarantee that either the OP or her parents could continue to make interest repayments. I doubt they want to risk homelessness and the rest of their children's inheritance over this when there are plenty of viable alternatives.

My parents have just done similar to help my brother out of a tight spot - the thing is with people saying "oh just get a mortgage" is that no lender will give OP that much money on 1 salary nor would she get particularly good rates.

The sad fact is that those who can least afford it get the shitty rates and those with some money (even if tied up in property and not actually cash) generally get access to the better deals.

It's costing my brother less than £200 a month to cover the costs of my parents releasing this amount of money because the bank is basically throwing it at them because the house is worth much more than they have borrowed. There isn't the need to downsize or take out huge repayments.

YANBU to ask your own parents to help prevent their own daughter and grandchildren becoming homeless.

But this is MN so God forbid your mother should even buy you a cup of tea once you have turned 18

'But this is MN so God forbid your mother should even buy you a cup of tea once you have turned 18 '

Yes because £200k is equivalent to a cup of tea.

Owning property is not a right. If you can't afford it then you have to rent, like millions of others.

£100K each is definitely not a "small" amount. Your parents equity may be worth millions but their income may not match that.

Yabu