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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel absolutely dreasful about asking parents for equity release.

383 replies

Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 10:33

Just that really.

I'm in a very difficult position with a one pre school DC and one school aged dc and working part time. Unfortunately h left me two years ago (there were problems but I would have worked at it- he is now unemployed and living at his mums). Our home is rented and the land lord has made noises about wanting to sell for the equity. A little, cheap house has come up locally to buy (unusual as is an area with low housing stock) and I could just about do it if one or other of my parents released a relatively small amount of equity (about 100K each) Between them their homes are valued at about 3.5 milion. They have never given me any money before.
My mum is livid I have even asked her and says I am spoilt and grasping. My dad simply put the phone down on me. My brother said I should expect these reactions.

I feel dreadful. Is it so bad to ask this of them? At the end of the day it is security for their grandchildren while still school age and the money will go to them eventually in some form.

Am I naive, grabby, entitled?

Perfectly prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable. Go easy though I'm a bit sore from all the stress!

OP posts:
HyacinthsBucket · 20/01/2017 12:13

I can see why you asked them OP, however I think I'd have done it face to face and by way of explaining how worried and stressed you are about your home situation etc so they had the chance of offering help. DH and I are always having to bail out one of our DCs to the point now that it is expected of us, and in truth, it's not a nice feeling.......... so I can see both sides here. It must also be hard for your parents when your ex isn't contributing as he is unemployed.......

BarbarianMum · 20/01/2017 12:19

Because they love her? Because she and her children are one of the most precious things in their lives? Because its not her fault her prick of an ex is now unemployed and not supporting the family.

So sorry that's not how your family feel about you, or you about your kids.

SpringTown46 · 20/01/2017 12:19

Why did your brother that you should expect these reactions?

Elendon · 20/01/2017 12:25

Is your brother the precious son who can do no wrong? I have a relative who is a carer to her mother. Both her brothers will benefit from her mothers death, her situation is precarious. Sometimes it's not an equal playing field.

Floisme · 20/01/2017 12:26

We've talked about doing something similar when our son is older. However when we mentioned it to our financial adviser he sucked in his breath and warned us to be very, very careful. We've not looked into it further as the time isn't right yet and we may still go ahead. But it's clearly more complex than it sounds and certainly not risk free.

Have you looked into it? Do you actually have any idea of what you're asking them to do?

Original poster
Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 12:28

Because they are quite cold, really, I guess. They have never, ever spoken to me about money etc. Just a taboo subject.

OP posts:
ExConstance · 20/01/2017 12:33

I think you made the request in the wrong way. It sounds as if you spoke to them on the phone. I'd have made this a long term approach, perhaps raising it over a family meal as being a general problem for younger people then talking about how it would be so much easier and better for your children if you could afford your own home. "Equity Release" was probably the wrong phrase to use, it means taking a lump sum out of your equity and rolling up the interest, with the possibility of using up your full equity if you live long enough .I'd leave it a while and then, if you are brave enough, start a gradual inclusion of your problems into general conversation. I must say that if it was me I'd be downsizing to help my children and grandchildren, the little bit of a financial leg up my father gave me helped me enormously to buy my first house.

NamedyChangedy · 20/01/2017 12:33

A slightly different perspective OP - my parents sold their very large property in order to release equity for me and my siblings (4 of us).

We got £50K each, and they bought a less smart, but still nice property a bit further out. It was always their intention to help us all get on the ladder, and it made perfect sense to downsize when they did. I regularly thank my lucky stars because there's no way I'd be where I am now without their help. Things are much harder now than they were in their day.

So I can understand why you asked, just on that basis. Maybe it was the way you asked that they didn't appreciate!?

(Incidentally, while my sisters and I used our money for house deposits, my DB frittered his away on cars and holidays, and has now moved back in with them, so they might regret that particular gift!)

SmellySphinx · 20/01/2017 12:35

The op said "Relatively small..." Their homes are worth around 3.5 MILLION. I don't know if it's just me but fucking hell, I 'd say 100k is small comparitively. It doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with them at all so perhaps you asked out of desperation. I suppose the only thing you can do is exhaust every single other option open to you and never ask again!

Elendon · 20/01/2017 12:35

There isn't any particular back story

My dear, (dons Miss Marple hat), there is always a back story when it comes to wealth.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 20/01/2017 12:36

Not being able to afford a £300k house is categorically NOT struggling. Not being able to afford rent is struggling.
If the parents have always believed that children find their own way in life, then I could see that a request like this would come as a bit of a shock.

and the money will go to them eventually in some form.
Well it might, or it might not. Inheritance isn't guaranteed. The grandparents might well have planned to sell their house and live a live of riotous hedonism until they die, or they might leave it all to a cats' home.
OP, you seem to have thought about whether this is reasonable or not, but not really thought through how your parents were likely to react. Have they ever said or done anything to make you believe that they would do this for you? And just for clarity, were you saying that you'd pay the interest on a loan, or that you'd make the full repayment?

Original poster
Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 12:37

Because they are quite cold I suppose and they have never, ever discussed money with us in any detail.

OP posts:
Elendon · 20/01/2017 12:38

Are there step parents/children involved?

Carollocking · 20/01/2017 12:40

I would always help my daughters any way I can and could in the future though it would depend on how much they help themselves also.
Sometimes as a mum you feel like mumsbank,however I want them always to be able to come to me and discuss everything and I'll weigh up everything at the time,I'd not put the phone down on you however I guess it depends on how you asked them as to the reaction you got.
If you feel you are entitled then I can fully say you'd get nothing off me either.
Plus why do you assume you or your siblings and children are going to inherit anything in the future.?maybe both parents plan to spend there accumulated wealth on themselves.!

AyeAmarok · 20/01/2017 12:42

You asked your retired parents to give you £200k! Shock I thought you were going to say a deposit top up of 5k or something.

So you offered to pay the interest, but not the capital?

YABVU

Bushymuffmum · 20/01/2017 12:43

They sound parsimonious as well as cold. I can understand why it's made you feel shit, but u absolutely should not feel guilty for asking ur parents for help (financial or otherwise) in any situation.
As a parent to 4 dc's I would feel it quite a normal process when borrowing money that they ask us first - in fact my dd11 is already asking us whether we'll be her guarantor when she buys a house! I told her we'll cross that bridge when we come to it but I have no doubt that, if we're in a position to do so at the time, we absolutely will. It would give me a great sense of pride to know I've helped my child get on the property ladder.

Carollocking · 20/01/2017 12:44

There's Also another scenario too here.
My own place cost very little in the grand scheme of things as my mother bought it when she was young and were talking like 20 k or there abouts it's a high value today been rural ,barns,stables and quite large land.but it dosent mean I have access to big money unless I sold it,are they in this situation too

MrsSthe3rd · 20/01/2017 12:46

It is a relatively small in comparison to the joint worth of their homes, no? In the south east so 300K seems to be how much small house costs. I could relocate but I'm trying to avoid instability of house moves for the kids.

I completely missed this when I RTFT earlier!

So, are you wanting them to buy 2/3 of a house, out of their equity, then you'll pay 1/3 mortgage and nothing to them?

Original poster
Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 12:52

Sorry thought the other post didn't go.

In terms of this post - and the money will go to them eventually in some form.
Well it might, or it might not. Inheritance isn't guaranteed. The grandparents might well have planned to sell their house and live a live of riotous hedonism until they die, or they might leave it all to a cats' home.

I understand from listening to radio 4 this isn't the case,, and parents must make 'reasonable provision' for their children

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 20/01/2017 12:55

Many people from that generation have hugely benefitted from rises in house prices which has made them asset rich whilst locking out younger people on lower incomes who am no longer able to buy their own modest home

This
The OP will have a harder time affording a house than her parents did

If my children were ever in need of money to achieve stability for their grandchildren I would happily downsize (not equity release)

I find it very, very odd that empty nesters continue to live in large houses with several empty bedrooms, whilst their children and grandchildren live in uncomfortably small homes

I would want to live in a home that suits my current needs, not one that suited my needs 30 years ago before my kids moved out, and now has several empty bedrooms that are only used once or twice a year, but still need furnishing, maintaining, cleaning. Why not downsize and use the money for other things, and sell to a family who need that space?

I don't understand the British attitude to housing, getting as big a house as possible then staying there as long as possible

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 20/01/2017 12:57

So you do see this money as your right, then? That they have an obligation to you?

GloriousGoosebumps · 20/01/2017 13:00

Have either of your parents remarried or in a long term relationship? If so, how did you see your request for £200k affecting those relationships?

GloriousGoosebumps · 20/01/2017 13:00

Have either of your parents remarried or in a long term relationship? If so, how did you see your request for £200k affecting those relationships?

LanaorAna1 · 20/01/2017 13:02

YANBU. MN has the opinion that the moment a child hits 16 she's not entitled to so much as a teabag from the family pot. Life doesn't share that view. The huge majority of parents and grandparents help their desendants with significant sums.

If the parents were financially savvy they would already have found ways to think about giving some wealth away to avoid death tax. But these parents are mean, which is not the same thing as being good with money. As OP is sadly finding out.

As for all the posters who are howling 'your parents don't owe you anything', well, OP, now you can say you don't owe them a cent. Tell everyone and ask other relations if you can. Move away if you want (actually, do this before the oldsters get dependent, because you know who they're eyeing up for unpaid skivvying and care.)

QueenyLaverne · 20/01/2017 13:02

relatively small amount of equity (about 100K each)

Lets set the record straight, 200k is far far away from being 'a small amount' regardless of wealth status

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