Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel absolutely dreasful about asking parents for equity release.

383 replies

Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 10:33

Just that really.

I'm in a very difficult position with a one pre school DC and one school aged dc and working part time. Unfortunately h left me two years ago (there were problems but I would have worked at it- he is now unemployed and living at his mums). Our home is rented and the land lord has made noises about wanting to sell for the equity. A little, cheap house has come up locally to buy (unusual as is an area with low housing stock) and I could just about do it if one or other of my parents released a relatively small amount of equity (about 100K each) Between them their homes are valued at about 3.5 milion. They have never given me any money before.
My mum is livid I have even asked her and says I am spoilt and grasping. My dad simply put the phone down on me. My brother said I should expect these reactions.

I feel dreadful. Is it so bad to ask this of them? At the end of the day it is security for their grandchildren while still school age and the money will go to them eventually in some form.

Am I naive, grabby, entitled?

Perfectly prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable. Go easy though I'm a bit sore from all the stress!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/01/2017 11:45

I think they're unreasonable as much as they don't seem to have tried to offer any help at all.

If the OP were my daughter I would have had a long chat to see what I would be able to do to help, if only because of my DGC.

Elendon · 20/01/2017 11:46

Why would you even think of this? It's bizarre. Your parents have each got homes and asking to release equity is unreasonable.

You would be better off renting and getting housing benefit. Then upping your hours. They may well help out with a new deposit for a flat, to rent.

However, your parents could just both have said a straightforward 'No' to your request.

Fluffy40 · 20/01/2017 11:48

Move in with your parents if they let you, and pay them rent.

LumelaMme · 20/01/2017 11:49

I cannot image (literally cannot) imagine sitting on a million pound house and watching one of my kid's kids and my grandkids struggle in rented accommodation.
This. If the OP's parents' houses are worth £1.75mill each, that's the value of a 5-bed detached in a nice part of London. I'd feel dreadful if one of my DC was struggling to find housing and I had that much in the way of assets and did nothing to help.

I certainly wouldn't get shitty with said DC, not unless there was a monumental backstory and probably not even then (I'd just say, 'No, sorry, not under XYZ circumstances').

Original poster
Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 11:50

Thanks for all the good discussion points.

I have retracted my request with apologies to both.

They both live in large houses with final salary pensions in the home counties.

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 20/01/2017 11:51

I think it's how you sell it to them. If you pitched up saying I need 100k, please do equity release I would have told you where to go!!! You're basically asking to give up part of their house, giving them debt and I'm assuming they're mortgage free? If you went to them and explained the situation, asked for help and THEY suggested equity release then that's different. The first way is very entitled and pretty grabby

Bushymuffmum · 20/01/2017 11:53

I am shocked you felt the need to apologise op. It sounds like your dp's have drummed it into you that it's impolite and unacceptable to ask for help, ever.
I hope you remember this attitude when they ask for help wiping their bums in their final years?!

Original poster
Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 11:53

There isn't any particular back story, btw

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/01/2017 11:55

I hope you remember this attitude when they ask for help wiping their bums in their final years?!

Wow Hmm

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/01/2017 11:57

OP have you tried to get a mortgage?

Bushymuffmum · 20/01/2017 11:58

what, are you worried now piglet? Grin

icanteven · 20/01/2017 11:58

My dad would give me 100k if I was in your situation, or rather, I suspect the house would be in his name or held jointly

until I had paid off the loan, which would be fair enough.

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask, but equally I don't think they were unreasonable to say no. I think they responded a bit more vigorously than necessary. Do I gather that your parents are not together? That would probably impact how they view equity and how you were able to pitch it to them.

RogueStar01 · 20/01/2017 12:00

of course they do. well at least you can take comfort in the fact that you've been a nice person and apologized, even if i don't think you've been particularly U.

Allthebestnamesareused · 20/01/2017 12:00

If they are pensioners it is unlikely they would get an actual mortgage though if this is the only way they would be able to release cash to you (ie. they are not sitting on a pot of money which they could dip into).

Thus then they would have to enter an equity release scheme which would in effect tie them to staying in that property until they die. The rates on those types of schemes are not as low as 4.4% but a lot higher and involve signing the house over to the company with a life interest to remain there.

I am mystified that people would expect parents to leave their homes they presumably they have decorated, gotten to how they want so that they can enjoy their retirement just to hand some cash over to an ADULT child. As many have said what if there are siblings then expecting similar handouts. At what point are they allowed to chose where they live and with what money available to them.

ScuttlbuttHarpy · 20/01/2017 12:01

Thing is, you do have other options, not ideal but if the landlord does decide to kick you out you can apply to the council for a council house if you cant muster up enough money to put on another deposit.

That in mind i think you are being unreasonable, 100k is a lot of money when you have other options. Even if they are loaded.

MrsSthe3rd · 20/01/2017 12:05

I was thinking you may have been unreasonable to ask them, until you got to the value of their property. It also explains why you think £100k is only a small amount. Which it really isn't.

I don't think they're being unreasonable to refuse, but they could have explained it better.

What would they do if you weren't able to be there for them in the same way?

Elendon · 20/01/2017 12:05

Based on your latest post. They could release the equity by moving into smaller homes then. I would do this in a heartbeat for my children. However, it seems to me that your parents are selfish bastards strange. Sorry that they couldn't help you.

RogueStar01 · 20/01/2017 12:06

pensioners with huge assets and final salary pension schemes. Where's my violin?

sparechange · 20/01/2017 12:07

OP has made it very clear that she wasn't asking parents to downsize so can we all stop ranting on about that please Hmm

I don't think it was unreasonable to ask, but presumably you knew your parents attitude to money before you made the calls? Hence your siblings not being surprised

I'm also in the camp of not being able to get my head around them being happy to sit on that much wealth while you are in insecure rented, unless there is a backstory you aren't telling us about your attitude towards money in the past.

Your dad was unbelievably rude in his reaction though.

P1nkP0ppy · 20/01/2017 12:08

Talk about being precious! Why on earth should they?
£200k is an enormous amount to lend you, I'm not in the slightest bit surprised they said no.
Mine would have refused point blank if I'd asked for £1k!

RogueStar01 · 20/01/2017 12:08

it was me that started yacking on about downsizing, indeed. I hope you're not feeling too bad op.

SingingSilver · 20/01/2017 12:09

The Op agreed she was BU.

But her parents could have communicated that without shouting at her/hanging up. There is something wrong there.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/01/2017 12:09

sparechange the OPs parents would be tied to the equity release company until the loan is paid off.

They are taking all the risk. Not OP.

TheAtheist · 20/01/2017 12:12

Many people from that generation have hugely benefitted from rises in house prices which has made them asset rich whilst locking out younger people on lower incomes who am no longer able to buy their own modest home

^This

I'd be pissed off too OP, YWNU to ask, and I agree that whilst in absolute terms, the loan size was pretty large, relatively speaking, it was quite reasonable.

I think it would work out at about 5% Loan to Value for them - it's pretty selfish of them not to help you out.

CripsSandwiches · 20/01/2017 12:13

Bloody hell if I had a 3.5 million pound house and my child was struggling to keep afloat while looking after my grandkids I'd have offered to help (with a lot more) without being asked.