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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel absolutely dreasful about asking parents for equity release.

383 replies

Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 10:33

Just that really.

I'm in a very difficult position with a one pre school DC and one school aged dc and working part time. Unfortunately h left me two years ago (there were problems but I would have worked at it- he is now unemployed and living at his mums). Our home is rented and the land lord has made noises about wanting to sell for the equity. A little, cheap house has come up locally to buy (unusual as is an area with low housing stock) and I could just about do it if one or other of my parents released a relatively small amount of equity (about 100K each) Between them their homes are valued at about 3.5 milion. They have never given me any money before.
My mum is livid I have even asked her and says I am spoilt and grasping. My dad simply put the phone down on me. My brother said I should expect these reactions.

I feel dreadful. Is it so bad to ask this of them? At the end of the day it is security for their grandchildren while still school age and the money will go to them eventually in some form.

Am I naive, grabby, entitled?

Perfectly prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable. Go easy though I'm a bit sore from all the stress!

OP posts:
RandyMagnum2 · 21/01/2017 08:06

A small loan of £200k, that's more than I've borrowed from the building society, small loan my arse.

Reminded me of when Donald Trump said in an interview that his dad gave him a "small loan of a million dollars" to start up a business; when I first read it.

BBK6 · 21/01/2017 08:12

Yabu. You have to look at yourself in this life. I would never ask parents for money.

In any case, They might be pissed off with your choices in the past as let's face it your ex sounds like a right dead head.

TrickyD · 21/01/2017 08:17

Camem, your DD's attitude is very hurtful. We certainly would not have given big sums to our DSs had they not both always worked their socks off and been sensible with money.

The OP's parents, though, don't seem to have any reason not to help her, other than that they are not inclined to do so.

cansu · 21/01/2017 08:19

I think you might have been better off getting full time job and then asking for help with deposit so you could get mortgage.

Neglectedbythesun · 21/01/2017 08:24

Yanbu. I think it's a perfectly normal thing to do. They can say no of course, but you were not unreasonable to ask or hope they'd give it to you.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 21/01/2017 08:29

If parents are cold when it comes to helping struggling children they will be expecting said children to be similarly cold if they need help when they are struggling

What goes around.....

This.

That said, I hope your dad suggested some way of helping you with a deposit since he clearly could afford to if he wanted to. And if he doesn't want to ... the above.

Ciutadella · 21/01/2017 08:42

Haven't read the whole thread yet but just interrupting to respond to this

"to even heat the size of properties that £3.5 m gets you together even in London they must have decent pensions."

Not necessarily the case. They could have been self employed, or in a private pension which hasn't done particularly well. Maybe one of them wasn't working, or not working full time.

CaveMum · 21/01/2017 08:46

Equity release loans are notoriously expensive. My MIL took £20,000 out of the value of her house 10 years ago. We phoned recently to find out how much she now owed (as she's been unwell and it looks like we will have to sell her house) and it's now £42,000!

Be very very careful of them, I wish MIL had talked it through with her family properly instead of going ahead and doing it all herself as I'm convinced she's been given a very bad deal.

Sixisthemagicnumber · 21/01/2017 08:49

though, don't seem to have any reason not to help her, other than that they are not inclined to do so.

Well if the only way they can get the money to help hernia through equity release them they don't actually have the money to help her and would be potentially risking their own homes to provide OP with a home.

scaryteacher · 21/01/2017 08:58

If they do it for the OP, then perhaps they'd feel they had to do it for her brother, so that's then £400k you are looking at. Given that care costs are extortionate these days, would the OP be happy to see her parents in crap homes later because they had helped her now? Would it also count as a voluntary diminution of income for care assessment purposes?

I think that amount of money is a huge ask.

Headofthehive55 · 21/01/2017 09:09

I'm afraid relocating is something that is normal, for many reasons. We've done this several times, not because we are in rented, but because we have to largely due to the job relocating.

DopeyDazy · 21/01/2017 09:33

I have experience of the othervway. Our ds who was around 30 at thevtime came back home when his landlord sold up. Drove us mad out partying,ringing up at 2.00 to say he wasnt coming home,bringing different girls back home. In the end we took 20k out of pension and lent him it as deposit on a fixer up home on condition we got the monet back when I retired (7 years) . He couldnt afford to pay full amount back and it hit pension fund so have had to work another couple of years to make up shortfall so I can see why they are reluctant. We couldnt see any alternative as we were at wits end. Good news is that he is well settled with a nice partner so probably worth it if I dont have a heart attack from work :-)

Graceflorrick · 21/01/2017 09:40

You are very rude to ask for the money, but having said that, if you were my DD I would have offered the money without you asking!

What's your relationship like OP?

Original poster
Meluamelua · 21/01/2017 09:42

Many posters have been really supportive, thank you Flowers

Df and I had a heart to heart and I explained position re having to work part time, mortgage probs, single salary , ll potentially selling, ex unwell, wanting to give the kids stability- he said he'd never realised things were so tough. I guess I don't moan enough! He explained as other posters did that the thought of equity release upsets him because its a horrible scam, which I didn't realise.

Df has offered to help me with a deposit for a help to buy scheme and see if he and dm can do some extra childcare so I can increase my hours and get more of a mortgage. I actually felt a lot better talking to him about it. Thanks all for the support and financial education! Flowers

OP posts:
Helloitsme87 · 21/01/2017 09:43

A happy outcome! Understand his reaction more now and glad it all seems to have worked out

Sallygoroundthemoon · 21/01/2017 09:53

A good outcome. Your DF sounds lovely.

TrickyD · 21/01/2017 09:57

Well done, both you and your DF.

Bantanddec · 21/01/2017 09:58

I don't think it's completely unreasonable op, they sound very wealthy and you are in need of financial assistance. I'm a big believer in family helping each other I wouldn't want my child struggling and getting themselves in to further debt when I could help them.

throwingpebbles · 21/01/2017 10:01

That's a happy outcome Smile

And yes, equity release is a really bad idea. I wouldn't ever recommend it!

Ciutadella · 21/01/2017 10:05

About the suggestions to move away somewhere cheaper - that's not that easy as op and h have split up, so moving away will make contact with h harder.

One problem with downsizing is the deadweight cost of stamp duty - even if dps each moved to a house worth, say, £1mn to release capital, the total stamp duty would be hefty. (Every now and again someone suggests an exemption for downsizers, but no sign of that happening yet!). But anyway op is not suggesting downsizing.

Remortgaging might be possible if both dps are on final salary pensions, though probably not for a full 25 yr term, so repayments on a repayment mortgage may be quite high, even on a low loan to value mortgage. Though op says that dps have other investments which they could use - but then on the other hand it is sensible to keep a financial 'cushion' if you can even if you're on a final salary pension.

Anyway, it looks as though df is considering options now, so the thread has moved on. The only thing I would add is that if there are siblings, I as a dp would want to ensure everyone got the same! Regardless of their financial position.

Oh, and I second the pps who are saying 'never assume you will inherit' - dps may spend it all, need care, remarry, or just leave the money elsewhere.

Original poster
Meluamelua · 21/01/2017 10:05

Thanks all for good wishes Flowers

OP posts:
witsender · 21/01/2017 10:18

That's a lovely solution. As I tried to say earlier, I'm not at all against borrowing money from parents, I've done it! It was just the equity release bit that was unreasonable to me.

Congrats OP, I hope this leads to a more secure and supported future. Wine

Original poster
Meluamelua · 21/01/2017 10:33

thanks wit. Much appreciated Flowers

OP posts:
Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 10:39

Really happy for you op. Equity release is the work of the devil. Glad you got a workable solution.

alltouchedout · 21/01/2017 10:43

I'm glad you and your DF have had a proper conversation and that he is looking at ways to help you. You were BU re the equity release- but you definitely seem to realise that now! I hope things work out for you.