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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel absolutely dreasful about asking parents for equity release.

383 replies

Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 10:33

Just that really.

I'm in a very difficult position with a one pre school DC and one school aged dc and working part time. Unfortunately h left me two years ago (there were problems but I would have worked at it- he is now unemployed and living at his mums). Our home is rented and the land lord has made noises about wanting to sell for the equity. A little, cheap house has come up locally to buy (unusual as is an area with low housing stock) and I could just about do it if one or other of my parents released a relatively small amount of equity (about 100K each) Between them their homes are valued at about 3.5 milion. They have never given me any money before.
My mum is livid I have even asked her and says I am spoilt and grasping. My dad simply put the phone down on me. My brother said I should expect these reactions.

I feel dreadful. Is it so bad to ask this of them? At the end of the day it is security for their grandchildren while still school age and the money will go to them eventually in some form.

Am I naive, grabby, entitled?

Perfectly prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable. Go easy though I'm a bit sore from all the stress!

OP posts:
CamemRoberta · 21/01/2017 11:34

I am very happy you had a constructive conversation with your DF, Melua.

And thank you so much for those posters who offered sympathetic comments on my situation with DD. I was feeling a bit of a rubbish parent after some of the earlier posters who suggested OP's parents were selfish and uncaring for not just writing out a big cheque. I want to help all of my DC but i believe that it is important that people also help themselves. It sounds as though OP's parents are going to try to do exactly that, which is a good outcome, and lovely to see that there is no lasting rift in the family.

LumelaMme · 21/01/2017 11:59

Glad you're making good progress, OP. Equity release is definitely a duff idea - I've seen the stress it can cause in a family.

Camem, you have with your DD what I would consider backstory. I don't think you;re being unreasonable at all. In the situation you're in, your responsibility as her parent is to get her to stand on her two feet.

Which is bloody hard work with some DC, as I know all too well.

DebbieDownersGiveItARest · 21/01/2017 12:13

Only on MN is it seen as a crime to broach any sort of financial help from anyone as a crime. Confused

If I had assets of 3.5m I wouldn't see my children and grandchild without a secure roof over their heads

I am firmly in this camp.

I sincerely hope if my adult DD have any issues they feel comfortable enough to ask me for help and I feel comfortable enough to kindly say no and explain why if needs be. If I can't say yes.

I would never want my DD to feel as awkward as op and would hope never to slam phones down.

This is the relationship I have with my Own DF both our fortunes have gone in swings and roundabouts and I lent him a substantial sum when I was younger which he paid back and more - then recently I have lent him more - then he lent me.

Good luck with your DF tonight op.

DebbieDownersGiveItARest · 21/01/2017 12:16

OP well done, hopefully your parents can be more supportive of you now and helpful. Flowers

anahata · 21/01/2017 12:25

I'm in a simolar position due to divorcing cheating violent ex. Yes I feel dreadful for asking for help. It literally feels like I've gone to them with a begging bowl.

I'm so sad for you about their reaction because I know how much strength it takes to even ask.

I think there's been a very cold over reaction on their side.

What are they like with you normally?

3luckystars · 21/01/2017 12:38

Ask them to buy the house as an investment? It will be their house but you would do it up and live there.

Changednamesorry · 21/01/2017 15:13

For what it's worth if I was in your parents' position with 3.5mill in houses I would have offered to do this myself ages ago. In fact I am in the process of buying a flat in the centre of the city I live and the idea is that we buy somewhere that will go up in value on the understanding we will sell it so we can set our sons up in a home each when they have a family....at which point we will downsize to a place either outside the centre or much smaller. There is absolutely no way I would live in a 3.5mill pile that I own and watch my kid and grandkids renting. YANBU. Families are supposed to take care of each other.

Changednamesorry · 21/01/2017 15:14

(Incidentally I am 32....my older son ismost 6 and I am pregnant with another boy.....and already planning for downsizing so they can get on the property ladder when the time comes).
You have been given a very hard time here, OP

Atenco · 21/01/2017 16:34

Changednamesorry

Those are lovely intentions, but maybe when the time actually comes there will be reasons for you not to want to move house. Like living in a neighbourhood that you really like or being surrounded by close friends, for example.

Sometimes when we have small children we are very ambitious about how much we would like to support them as adults in everything from babysitting to buying them a house. But things change as they get older and our ability to help isn't necessarily the same.

altiara · 21/01/2017 16:37

OP sounds like your DF is doing what a parent would do. You haven't given details and maybe (rightly) don't even know his financial situation if he has a new partner (e.g. Partner could have put in all of the house equity) etc and same with your DM.

carnem don't feel bad! I feel like my DCs will also be like this as DH and I were brought up with next to nothing and now they have EVERYTHING! I can't imagine them moving out, why would they move from our house into a small flat! (They are only 10 and 7 but have naturally higher levels of entitlement)

SecondsLeft · 21/01/2017 16:44

Brilliant, good luck

clarehhh · 21/01/2017 17:21

Yes you are being unreasonable different if they offered but to ask is just appalling.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 21/01/2017 17:32

You also have to consider if ex husband might make a claim on it as part of a divorce if one goes ahead

NewYearNewNames · 21/01/2017 17:44

I find it a bit unsettling that your df didn't know you were renting, working part time etc surely a parent who showed an interest in their child's life would be concerned about the roof over their head aspect of this before now.

Purplealienpuke · 21/01/2017 17:46

Their houses their money their choice!!
Even if you've never asked for a bean before I don't think you've a right to ask them to release equity regardless of the amount!
I would never in a million years ask my dps to do that whether their house was worth 3.5million or 300k!!
You chose to get married and have kids. It's not their fault your marriage hasn't worked and your ex is not working. Will he ask his dps to do the same so you and your kids can buy a place??
I'm not sure I'd put the phone down on my dc if I was in that position but I know my dc would never put me in that position! !

Atenco · 21/01/2017 18:06

Just saw your last update, OP, great news!

HazelBite · 21/01/2017 18:11

OMG one of my DC's suggested that we sell up our home and "downsize" to provide him with a deposit for a flat!
The fact that if we do this (which is likely) it will be because we need to supplement our pensions just to live!
Protecting your main asset as you grow older is necessary, you never know what life is going to chuck at you or how much your caring requirements are going to be in the future.
The OP is being very self centred.

PrimalLass · 21/01/2017 19:31

CamemRoberta it sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your duaghter, and that she does not deserve help at the moment until she pulls herself together.

But there was no need for the OP's story to have 'touched a nerve' as it is a totally different situation. I am sure you appreciate how fortunate you are to have six houses and be retiring in your late 50s rather than worrying about keeping a roof over the heads of your young children. The OP works, has no financial support from her children's partner, and is just panicking at being homeless.

I'm afraid your post was a bit inappropriate and tactless under the circumstances. Or in 'old money', it came over as a stealth brag.

PrimalLass · 21/01/2017 19:34

*father, not partner

Allthebestnamesareused · 21/01/2017 19:45

Not sure if I missed whether divorced or just separated - do be careful that ex will have no claim against new property if not yet divorced!

RogueStar01 · 21/01/2017 20:10

lovely news! I'm glad your DF is helping you, and hoping you find something nice to buy soon.

TrickyD · 21/01/2017 20:11

Primalass' Carmen clearly explained that she was concerned to read that other parents gave their DCs large sums of money, and wondered if she was doing the wrong thing by not doing so. The detail about her finances was needed in order to make sense of her DD's demands.

I cannot see where she mentioned 'old money'.

If she says her nerve was touched, fair enough. We can do without Nerve Police on the forum.

dailymaillazyjournos · 21/01/2017 20:41

So good your df understands how things are for you and is going to help.

And I don't think you were unreasonable to ask in the first place. I was left homeless and penniless by my ex. I couldn't ask for financial help because I'd have had to make my df homeless in order for him to do so! But I know in a heartbeat if he'd had the means he would have helped. I'll never be in the position where I could help dd out financially and I hope to goodness she never needs to be. But if I had the money to do so and she asked, I would give her it in a heartbeat. I'd not want anyone to go through the shit I went through if I could help them. Good look OP, I hope things start to look up for you soon.

dailymaillazyjournos · 21/01/2017 20:42

And if you do get any money make sure you have changed your Will otherwise your ex may be entitled to it.

Scholes34 · 21/01/2017 20:49

I've a fair bit of equity in my house, but that's meaningless, because this is the house I want to live in. I'm servicing a mortgage that I took out on it 18 years ago and its current value is irrelevant until I don't need to live here any more. I've also suffered negative equity, which is quite unpleasant. Value of assets can go down as well as up.

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