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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel absolutely dreasful about asking parents for equity release.

383 replies

Meluamelua · 20/01/2017 10:33

Just that really.

I'm in a very difficult position with a one pre school DC and one school aged dc and working part time. Unfortunately h left me two years ago (there were problems but I would have worked at it- he is now unemployed and living at his mums). Our home is rented and the land lord has made noises about wanting to sell for the equity. A little, cheap house has come up locally to buy (unusual as is an area with low housing stock) and I could just about do it if one or other of my parents released a relatively small amount of equity (about 100K each) Between them their homes are valued at about 3.5 milion. They have never given me any money before.
My mum is livid I have even asked her and says I am spoilt and grasping. My dad simply put the phone down on me. My brother said I should expect these reactions.

I feel dreadful. Is it so bad to ask this of them? At the end of the day it is security for their grandchildren while still school age and the money will go to them eventually in some form.

Am I naive, grabby, entitled?

Perfectly prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable. Go easy though I'm a bit sore from all the stress!

OP posts:
GogoGobo · 20/01/2017 19:11

YANBU. 3.5mil and you are asking for them to help by a home, not a round the world trip. I would do it for my son in a heartbeat.

HamletsSister · 20/01/2017 19:13

My children ask me for things all the time (lifts, beer, money) and I mostly say no. But I am not angry at them for asking.

What must be distressing, OP, is their extreme reactions.

Sorry, can't do that or something would be understandable.

Glad your Dad has come round and agreed to talk.

BTW my kids are teens!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/01/2017 19:23

DH and I have ridden the boomer wave: free Uni, property value increases and some inheritance from older relatives. It seems blatantly obvious to us that our children will struggle far more than we have to secure decent housing.

It is in our plan that when we are 60, and our oldest is 30 and our youngest leaves for Uni, we will downsize and free up money for deposits for our kids. We are fortunate to be in the position to be able to do so.

SleepingCitySidewalk · 20/01/2017 19:25

I think anyone relying on an inheritance in this day and age is extremely naive as much as entitled, with the possible care costs. Not to mention people leaving money to cats Grin I had an extremely wealthy relative who needed specialist care and the vast majority of their assets and liquid cash went towards their high quality care. Which is totally as it should be and I was pleased they were cared for so well for so many years.

I don't think it's necessarily wrong for someone struggling very much, to ask their parents to lend them money. However I do feel it's extremely unreasonable for a grown adult to ask parents for almost a quarter of a million pounds for their GC' sake, when you are only working part time, and more unreasonable to kind of expect this, especially via equity release on their own homes.

I do wonder what your parents and siblings take on this would be, given the strong reaction they had to you. Perhaps they feel you and your DC's father aren't doing everything you can to maximise your income or have made different choices in life with financial implications etc.

It does seem they may see things differently from you, given that you blithely refer to £200,000 as "relatively small", assume that you will receive an inheritance and that your own mother called you "spoilt".

nokidshere · 20/01/2017 19:32

I don't think yabu for asking at all. Regardless of the answer I hope my own children would always come to me first for help whatever their age. And even if I had to say no I would always try to help them find a solution.

My MIL took an equity release when she upsized to live near us 10 years ago (property dearer here). She was 86 at the time. There were no payments to make, the interest was fixed, and the loan will be paid back from her estate since she died a few weeks ago. She wasn't wealthy but taking the equity release loan didn't impact on her life at all. She left everything to us and all we have to do is make sure the loan is repaid before anything else.

If she had needed care before she died it still wouldn't have made a difference, her assets would have been calculated minus the mortgage that needs repaying.

It's really not as big a deal as its being made out to be, but in any event all they had to do was say sorry we can't do that but maybe we can help you find another way

limon · 20/01/2017 19:33

Yabvu. It's a hell of an ask to expect them to fund you by increasing their own mortgage

DeadGood · 20/01/2017 19:41

"YANBU. MN has the opinion that the moment a child hits 16 she's not entitled to so much as a teabag from the family pot. Life doesn't share that view. The huge majority of parents and grandparents help their desendants with significant sums.

If the parents were financially savvy they would already have found ways to think about giving some wealth away to avoid death tax. But these parents are mean, which is not the same thing as being good with money. As OP is sadly finding out. "

Completely agree with LanaorAna1 - OP, I am sorry. Ignore the howls from the other posters who are screaming that £100,000 is a lot of money/your parents don't owe you a penny/blah blah blah.

Your parents should be ashamed - if not for refusing to lend you the money (reasonable) then for not offering any sort of help to you, ever, and for reacting so completely disproportionately and hurtfully.

W8woman · 20/01/2017 19:48

Equity release schemes are a shit financial instrument, but it's very easy to release capital on a property or two of that value in other ways. £200k costs about £800 a month repayment and about £500 interest-only on a good rate. How much are you paying in rent to fund a stranger's retirement, OP? Flabbergasted that your parents are blind to the economic benefit as well as the moral and emotional one.

iMatter · 20/01/2017 19:48

It's their money.

It's up to them what they do with it I'm afraid.

And equity release is a hiding to nothing for them.

DeadGood · 20/01/2017 19:53

"ShatnersWig Fri 20-Jan-17 14:45:32
The huge majority of parents and grandparents help their descendants with significant sums

Like another poster, I'm going to challenge that.

My beloved nan died last year. She left very little other than the cash she stored in the house.

I am 42 and have never asked my parents for money. They've never been remotely well off... They offered practical help as that's wh.at they could do. Last year I needed to buy a new car .. They offered me £1,000... they made a point of being very insistent, that they wanted to help, that they could afford this now they had no mortgage (they both still work) and always felt bad they couldn't have helped financially in the past."

ShatnersWig do you not see that you are reinforcing the point that most parents want to help their children, regardless of their means?

Of course someone who doesn't have the money can't give it. But the point is that if they did have it, and could afford to help, they would.

That is what the OP's parents have failed to do, and continue to fail to do.

People who refuse to give their children a leg up, preferring instead to "teach them independence", do them a huge disservice.

As a PP has said, the adults who received help from their parents at the right time, now enjoy much easier lives and are freer than those who will be stuck renting forever.

iLoveCoffeeAndChocolate2017 · 20/01/2017 20:36

I don't think you were BU at all, hope they change their minds and offer to help you.

Kennington · 20/01/2017 20:45

Your parents reaction is odd. They could have easily said no politely.
Most cultures pass money down to their children. Most British people do too however there are people who disagree.
I see their point but the future is so uncertain we cannot rely on the welfare state anymore, so I really don't blame you for asking.

londonrach · 20/01/2017 20:51

Seriously yabvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvu. You know that 100k is alot of. Money.

londonrach · 20/01/2017 20:53

They might have needed that backup themshelves.

harshbuttrue1980 · 20/01/2017 20:55

Are you a teenager? Why is it your parent's responsibility to look after you and your kids, and yet not your responsibility to look after your kids by working full-time and providing for them? I'm not surprised your parents hung up. You do realise that many people need care when they get older and need to save their money for that? You sound like a "me me me" person - get a full-time job and woman up. Parents are not a personal cash machine.

LumelaMme · 20/01/2017 20:59

A kind parent might voluntarily help out, but there is absolutely no reason why they should.
See, this is an attitude I just don't understand. Provided there is no epic backstory of the parents or the child being awful to each other, surely the point of family is that you help each other out? It's what we do. It's an odd mix of love and obligation. God knows, we put up the Aussies rellies when they turn up, without question. If we do that for them, surely we'd do more for our DC?

Either we're reeeeeally strange, or there are some fucking peculiar families out there.

And I also second the posts about tax planning.

iLoveCoffeeAndChocolate2017 · 20/01/2017 21:03

Also, I believe that being a parent is a job that lasts till you pass- and if you can help your children then you should.... I'd give my last to my children, and I wish more people would think like that....instead of being so selfish.

Chelazla · 20/01/2017 21:04

Tinklylittlelaugh you are great parents! That's all!

RandomMess · 20/01/2017 21:05

In the South East the reality is that it is very difficult to buy without some sort of inheritance/family assistance.

If I were your parents I'd have done my best to try and help you with secure accommodation long before this!!! Even if I'd have a bought a property and let you rent so you had secure tenancy without it costing me any £

iLoveCoffeeAndChocolate2017 · 20/01/2017 21:09

@Tinklylittlelaugh I think your idea is great, you realise that you've had benefits that we don't have the opportunity of today and want to help your children.... I wish more parents thought like you do.

dowhatnow · 20/01/2017 21:16

If you put it to them as a sound investment opportunity, it comes across much better than just asking for it outright.

user1477282676 · 20/01/2017 21:25

We rent....have done for years. My FIL is sitting on a million pound property but NO WAY would we ask this of him. It's his home! MIL also has a house of her own with a lot of equity in it but we just wouldn't ask!

Of course you want stability for the DC>..don't we all? We have to provide that in different ways...other than bricks and mortar.

Italiangreyhound · 20/01/2017 21:25

Meluamelua YANBU to ask. I hope it will work out. If you ex, the father of your children (I assume?) is living at his mum's I would hope he is paying full maintenance for his kids.

iLoveCoffeeAndChocolate "Also, I believe that being a parent is a job that lasts till you pass"

I tend to agree, but I know if a parent can't afford to help a child (adult child) out that is understandable (or if the request for money is not for something appropriate). Housing one's grandchildren seems a very appropriate thing for the OP to wish to do.

(I have not read all posts, just so you know OP.)

Ceaser1981 · 20/01/2017 21:38

You might want financial advice first. If it is a lifetime mortgage you are asking them to take out your looking at the repayment being made when the last client passes away. It ends up with a pretty hefty repayment and can cause family disputes.

Atenco · 20/01/2017 21:51

I hope you remember this attitude when they ask for help wiping their bums in their final years?

There you go, OP, you have an excuse to get out of filial responsability.

I had my dd because I wanted to and have enjoyed very much being a mother, but why do so many people on mumsnet think that if parents don't babysit and hand over money on demand, their children don't owe them anything?