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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wrong or am I being unreasonable?

165 replies

Tracker4 · 19/01/2017 02:21

'D'h and I have two children, both a little poorly tonight. the baby won't really settle and is still in our room, the 4 year old has joined us and been sick about an hour ago. She has now settled but the baby is waking every half hour or so just unsettled. I'm attempting to comfort both at various stages of upset and unsettled!
About half an hour ago husband just buggered off into the 4 year olds room, he has work tomorrow so needs sleep!
Aibu to think he should at least stay here and help even just a little? Even just to cuddle the 4 year old when she's getting sad! Or aibu because he has work tomorrow and I don't!

OP posts:
ApplePaltrow21 · 20/01/2017 19:56

And if you are confused as to why I am so angry, I was nearly killed by a lorry a few weeks ago and I'm still annoyed about it. I am so sick of the terrible commercial drivers on the road today. I wish every white van man, lorry driver idiot would just lose their license.

How many more people on the road are going to die because of them.

In fact, I hope they tighten up the law so that people start to get heavily penalized for irresponsible driving. And then when your DH does into work on an hours sleep and loses his job, people will begin to respect the TON OF METAL they are moving around.

diddl · 20/01/2017 20:00

Tbh if he had gone to bed at 2 & got up at 8 I would have said that was OK-6 uninterrupted hrs with 2 ill youngsters in the house.

But he actually went to bed at 9.30!!!

StarlingMurderation · 20/01/2017 20:51

I really don't think it takes two of you to deal with this, there is no reason for you both to miss sleep, especially if DH has got to get up to go to work tomorrow, and you don't

Fuck that shit. I've been a SAHM and a WOHM, and it's so so much easier to get by on a crap night's sleep on the office than looking after a child the next day. Unless he is a surgeon or airline pilot or truck driver, if he works in an office, he can coast for one bloody day.

pteradactyl · 20/01/2017 20:52

Depends what his job is I guess.
Also applepaltrow whilst I understand your point to a degree, I suffer from insomnia and quite often get to sleep between 3 and 4 and have to get up for work at 7. I then drive to work. Much as I would love to take time off I am fairly certain my boss would not be amiable to me taking the equivalent of at least 1 working week off a month because I am lacking in sleep.
I reckon in the scheme of things OP's DH could have got through today even on a full day's sleep, as so many where both parents work do. Potentially OP could hve had a nice easy day today but equally 4 year old could have spent it vomming all day and baby also may have been unsettled during night as a sign they were coming down with it too. Nobody could have known during the night how today would pan out so saying OP can chill all day the following day so lack of sleep is irrelevant is a bit much

Ab1000 · 20/01/2017 20:52

Blimey if you've made the decision to be a sahm and your other half is bringing in the money let him sleep. Staying at home is in no way like going to work and don't get me started on those that say it's a job! It isn't it's staying at home being a mother, it's not paid work therefore not a job !!

CrispPacket · 20/01/2017 20:53

ApplePaltrow I hope you are starting to recover now

Its a really tricky situation and i think youd be thinking differently about it had he pulled his weight all the time. You deserve downtime too :)

Original poster
Tracker4 · 20/01/2017 20:56

I'm not a stay at home mum I'm on maternity leave at the moment.
I completely agree sending an overtired person out on a road is very dangerous but in that 11 hours of sleep I guess I just hoped for a little more help or perhaps he helped until midnight or from 6am or the like! I wasn't expecting an all nighter from him by any means just slightly more than the half hour in 11 hours!

OP posts:
BearsDontDigOnDancing · 20/01/2017 21:00

When I was on Mat leave, if the kids had a bad night, i would do the bulk of the stuff and leave Dh to sleep, as at the end of the day he did need sleep more than I did. But I would probably do practically nothing housework wise the next day if I was super tired and Dh would get home, take over for the kids, allowing for me to go upstairs even for an hours quiet if not a nap, while he cooked dinner.

Once back at work, we would tend to take turns.

Now, if I am on an early shift, ie up at 6 am, and the kids are bad in the night, DH will deal with them and leave me to sleep (as he work from home most of the time and does not have to do set hours, so can have an hour nap or so midday if he needed)

If I am on a later shift again we both share. If Dh has to be in the office, and I am on a day off the next day, then I deal with it leaving him to sleep.

So in our house it changes, depending on who has to be up earliest or who has a day off etc. If I am on an early, I am up at 6, if he is in the office he has to be up at 5 for a fairly lengthy drive so we just leave each other to sleep if that is the case.

VioletRoar · 20/01/2017 21:01

Massive yanbu from me op. If your kids aren't sleeping at night due to illness, unsure why so many posters think they'll magically sleep all tomorrow so you can "rest". It's pitiful how much mothers value each other.
Hope you have a decent night tonight op.

Original poster
Tracker4 · 20/01/2017 21:02

Thank you dd was so much better yesterday so got a good sleep last night and hopefully the same again today

OP posts:
Nemosnemsis · 20/01/2017 21:08

Your OP suggested that your DH had stayed up until 2am which seems like a reasonable contribution, so the fact that he actually went to bed at 9:30 is a bit of a drip feed that changes things. YANBU to expect more than this, although there's no point in you both staying up all night, it has to be give and take.

What he does for work is relevant. I have to counter the blanket statements from PPs insisting that working out of the home is easier than looking after young children - this may be true in some cases but not all. The job I used to do (and the one that my DH still does) makes caring for 3 (even sick) kids feel like a piece of piss. My DH also has a fairly long commute in the car, so in this situation, while I would expect help, I would want him to get a decent bit of sleep, say 5-6hours.

Ultimately, you can always spend the next day in pjs, stick 4yo infront of tv etc. and sack off all but essential chores. It won't hurt occasionally. Then DH can take over when he gets home and you can go to bed.

Original poster
Tracker4 · 20/01/2017 21:13

It was a total drip feed but it was 2am I was shattered and my brain was not engaged! I think the other side is dh did not take over willingly I still cooked did bed times etc I'm on mat leave therefore I do everything whilst he works!

OP posts:
Catlady1976 · 20/01/2017 21:20

One night of poor sleep is not going to cause an accident. The accident is more likely to be caused by prolonged lack of sleep. But Sah / people on maternity leave have to suck it up.
So unfair.

funkky · 20/01/2017 21:32

Dh normally does 9pm - midnight with baby and gets up with toddler in the morning. I deal with the core night hours and most of day time.

mum2Bomg · 20/01/2017 21:42

DD is 6 weeks old. Any opportunity for either one of us to sleep has to be maximised. BUT it has to be fair. DH stays up to do the 'last feed' and then I take over. When one of us is completely knackered the other one steps up. There is zero point in both of you being awake all night.

Gymnopedies · 20/01/2017 21:46

Yanbu
Outside of his working hours he needs to share children care and household chores with you.
In this case, I would have asked him to take care of the 4 years old (also prevents 4 years old waking baby and vice versa so everyone gets to sleep better).

Catlady1976 · 20/01/2017 21:49

I remember posting on here about a particular night when Dd1 threw up in the night. I also had a 3 month old at the time who woke regularly. I was who comforted Dd1, cleaned up the vomit and breastfed the baby whilst dh slept.
I posted saying that he should have got up to help on this one occasion but for many people I was unreasonable as the special prince had work the next day.
At that point I hadn't had a full nights sleep for 3 months but I can just rest all day being a Sah. Well no I still had to get one child to school.

SunshinenSparkles · 20/01/2017 21:52

*I'm a bit hmm at all these husbands and partners who are bound to make mistakes and cannot possibly function on one crap night's sleep, but a great many of us have to pull it out of the bag and be a shit hot mum on less than 5 hours of broken sleep for months or years on end.

**Same here. I know a few husbands who can't seem to manage to get up with babies and children because work but can stay out drinking in a Sunday or Bank Holiday until 4 am and drag themselves to work the next morning.

^^ This is my OH exactly! When my son was a few months old there were a few nights my OH actually asked me to take the moses basket downstairs and sleep on the couch because he could hear the baby wriggling a bit when he realised his dummy fell out.

fluffiny31 · 20/01/2017 21:52

I haven't got 2 kids but i was poorly tge other day so was my child. Up loads in the night i was struggling, first trimester pregnant too. i huffed and puffed until my partner woke up then he took her so i could get a little sleep he had a good chunk of sleep not the normal amount and i slept for about 3 hours but the following night i had to just deal with it. He drives for a living and was at work the next day. So i slept when my toddler slept and didn't particularly do anything apart from cuddle play and eat. Obviously change bums give medicine etc. It would be fair if your partner could of taken the load for a couple of hours at the beginning of the night or in the morning so at least you had a couple of hours undisturbed sleep anything is better than nothing.

pilotswife · 20/01/2017 21:57

Does your DH have a job where it doesn't matter what cognitive state he's in ? If so then share the unsettled nights.
It's essential for my DH to be rested and alert for his job which is part of the reason it made sense for me to be a SAHM.
Just plan on having a pyjama day with the children - dont complicate it by being resentful of DH !

Ab1000 · 20/01/2017 22:01

Cat lady. I understand you still had to get one to school but I presume you then could come home. As opposed to running for the bus And working all day?!

Original poster
Tracker4 · 20/01/2017 22:01

It makes me feel better that others have similar with their dh's! Though it's not good is it! He does have to be relatively alert for his job but it's not surgeon pilot lorry driver or anything like that!
I think I was more resentful of the lack of help than the actual amount of sleeep he got, it still astounds me he just went into dd's room whilst I was still trying to sort the kids out but never mind I am over it GrinHmm

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 20/01/2017 22:08

It's funny that once I went back to work after ML it magically became ok for me to drive when tired, and work (same job as dh) while tired.

Catlady1976 · 20/01/2017 22:09

My point though is that dhs attitude was very much I need my sleep as I have to work. As a consequence I always do all night wakings. However, in certain situations like the one discussed I felt it reasonable for him to get up for maybe an hour to help in an all hands on deck situation.
After all he could have sorted bedding whilst I comforted older child. We could have all for back to sleep quicker..
One disturbed night is different to 3 solid months of disturbed nights. I also had to take youngest downstairs or into spare room because we made too much noise.

Mammyashy1 · 20/01/2017 22:11

In my house we work it that if I'm off work the next day and he's at work I look after the sick child and vice versa. The person who is at work comes in and picks up the slack Then when the weekend hits he does everything (housework/kids) and lets me recover if we are both at work/off work we share the duties

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