Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wrong or am I being unreasonable?

165 replies

Tracker4 · 19/01/2017 02:21

'D'h and I have two children, both a little poorly tonight. the baby won't really settle and is still in our room, the 4 year old has joined us and been sick about an hour ago. She has now settled but the baby is waking every half hour or so just unsettled. I'm attempting to comfort both at various stages of upset and unsettled!
About half an hour ago husband just buggered off into the 4 year olds room, he has work tomorrow so needs sleep!
Aibu to think he should at least stay here and help even just a little? Even just to cuddle the 4 year old when she's getting sad! Or aibu because he has work tomorrow and I don't!

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 07:26

With 2 poorly kids he should be helping out, but it sounds like he did and didn't leave until the eldest one was settled. I get you are tired and I know how much that can make you want to kill for the smallest misdemeanour. But I think in this instance he did help and he has now gone to get some sleep ( yes maybe you should have had that option) before work. I know my hubby would struggle to just take a day off work ( bugs the hell out of me sometimes that I seem to be the default take time off work with sick kids parent) but he is also far worse on no sleep than me. I would give him a break this time but grab a really early night tonight. Hopefully dd will allow you a slightly easier day..,

Original poster
Tracker4 · 19/01/2017 07:27

To be fair to him he doesn't often do the going out til silly o clock but I am a bit Hmm he's still asleep! He does shift work so I guess when he disappeared to get some sleep last night I assumed he was starting early but he can't be in til gone 9!

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 19/01/2017 07:28

Well tbh it's stupid both of you being up all night and useless tomorrow.

I would however he pissed off should he not come home do dinner and enable you to rest in the evening and have an early night.

Having two zombies around the house is just pointless it's going to result in everyone being moody and snappy and nothing getting done

Where's If one gas a decent night they cab at least take over in the evening

GinIsIn · 19/01/2017 07:29

In view of the fact his job is driving, he stayed until 2am and you don't have to leave the house, as others have said - YABU, but I can totally see why.

Nobody is saying that being a SAHP is easier than holding down a job or minimising that you are going to have a shitty day, merely pointing out that a 4yo and a baby won't fire you if you aren't on top form! Good luck today, lots of Brew

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 19/01/2017 07:31

If his job involves driving then he must get enough sleep. Driving when tired can kill people unfortunately.

You have my sympathy though OP.

Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 07:32

shame you don't know what time he is due in. You could have maybe grabbed and extra couple of hours kip this morning which would have made a huge difference

Original poster
Tracker4 · 19/01/2017 07:32

Thank you thank you thank you for all the perspective but also the sympathy!!! It definitely helps! 4 year old is awake and very demanding! It's gonna be a looong day!!!

OP posts:
shockthemonkey · 19/01/2017 07:36

I really feel for you. It's going to be a very hard day for you today.

If it helps at all, I would have let my DH sleep and resigned myself to a shitty day with the kids.

I think you did the right thing, as hard as it is.

Original poster
Tracker4 · 19/01/2017 07:37

Thank you! I don't usually let my dd have many to days so bring on CBeebies!!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 19/01/2017 07:39

I'm on the side of the DH. He has to work to financially support the family. He can help at the weekend instead, you just have one day to get through

I'm a single parent of 3 and have been a single parent since I was pregnant with the third. You will survive.

Flowers
Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 07:40

Oh yes tv is your friend today.. and easy lunch/ tea.. of and lots of caffeine...explain to the 4 yr old that mummy is tired but will do her best.. surprisingly it actually works sometimes ( my DS has been known to bring me a blanket when I have told him this and promised to be good... it doesn't always last but at least he tries)

SoupDragon · 19/01/2017 07:41

The amount of CBeebies mine watched and the amount of crap they ate when I or them were ill is unmentionable... they are now fit,healthy and unscarred at 18, 16 and 11!

ExpatInPasturesNew · 19/01/2017 07:43

That's the best bit if she doesn't have many tv days Tracker, it will seem like an extra special treat so she is more likely to sit and accept it than if she's allowed it all the time. I know if I have to go somewhere and I need the children to be quiet e.g. smear, then I surreptitiously ban all screens for a few days beforehand so they are so excited at having the tablet that I know it will keep them quiet the whole time I need them to be.

Hope you manage to get some rest today Brew

Original poster
Tracker4 · 19/01/2017 07:46

Unfortunately furchester has now come in she's not so keen on that Grin so she's gone in and woken dh up!
Gizlot that's very sweet your son used to bring you a blanket

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 19/01/2017 07:59

Notso - that's a good point. I distinctly remember doing the same pre kids - I could go out and stay out late and cope in work the next day. My dh has his faults, but posts like this remind me of why I'm glad I'm married to a man who just parents 50-50. There was never a discussion- no cajoling on my part, he just does it because he sees it as parenting.

1DAD2KIDS · 19/01/2017 08:10

Tracker4. Sorry if I come across insensitive. It's horrible sleep deprivation. Something I know from my old career with sometime days with little no sleep. I also know how it grinds you down and can make you negative. Like I say it all depends on the nature of his work and commute. I can judge because I don't know his work situation. He could be a bed/mattress tester for all I know. But I know in my line of work I couldn't do it fatigued. It would be too dangerous. Obviously you need to consider his safety at work and protect is capacity to earn and keep a roof over you heads. He is no good sacked or dead. Put all the non eseeinal work on the back boiler and try your best to take it easy at home. I am sure you fella can do some of the house work when he gets in from work before he goes to bed. The kids will get better, recover your self and things will get back to normal. Hope the kids get well soon. Both of mine were sick the other day. Take care.

stonecircle · 19/01/2017 08:16

it pisses me off he gets to sleep all night

You said in your op at 2.21 thar he'd stayed until half an hour ago - so 10 to 2. Hardly all night.

YABU - his job is driving. So he has to consider the safety of others on the roads and if his tiredness causes an accident then the possibility of losing his licence and his job. Thank goodness he had the sense to make sure he got at least some decent sleep.

ChristmasCwtches · 19/01/2017 08:26

If this was our family DH would sleep to enable him to work tomorrow, I would muddle on and we would get through the day as best we could, dressing etc would be low priority! DH would get home from work asap, sort a meal and take over from me so that I could sleep.
We work as a team, there are days when it is really hard but I have a disabled child who sometimes doesn't sleep at all, we prioritise DH sleep when he has work the next day.

questioningitall · 19/01/2017 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

questioningitall · 19/01/2017 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tracker4 · 19/01/2017 08:49

The main thing here seems to be everyone else's dh will still help out in some way in a work day! I will still cook tea for us all, and I was even told this morning I should be grateful he moved the breakfast dishes to the kitchen from the dining room table and I can't complain in tired because I haven't worked for 7 months - I'm on maternity leave! It's potentially this that narks me more!

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 19/01/2017 09:11

I don't think you can judge off one evening, and it sounds like his lack of help spreads wider than this one night...

But I would prioritize the person who had to drive any distance the next day, I crashed the car, no-one injured but it was a wake-up call to me that I couldn't continue long-term sleep deprivation and working f/t without actually endangering someone (of course lots of mums have to do the school run in the car as well).

In this situation, I'd let him sleep for the bulk of the night, but expect help the next day, and then a lie in on weekends/him taking them out on Sat/Sun to allow you to get a nap/claw back some sleep. I'm guessing it is his all-round lack of parenting that is bothering you more than one night.

pipsqueak25 · 19/01/2017 09:16

you might be on maternity leave but you are at home so therefore will probably be able to have a short nap here and there.
you don't need to 'be grateful' he cleared some dishes away [i presume he used some of them too] that's just petty, but then he doesn't need to take the day off work just because the dc are poorly though.

Original poster
Tracker4 · 19/01/2017 09:19

He is very good when he has a day off he does a lot, however when he is working that's it that's all he does! However when I'm back at work I go to work come home and still do 90% of everything in the evening! I'm probably just tired and grumpy!

OP posts:
Namechangenurseryconcerns · 19/01/2017 09:21

I think YAB a bit U if he stayed up to. 2 and he's got to drive today.
But you do have my sympathy. Definitely a CBeebies day!
My 4 year old likes to play 'father Christmas' where I pretend to be asleep and he brings a pile of toys. That's quite a good one for snatching a few minutes rest! Especially if you tell him a list of things that might take a while to find.