Is this wrong or am I being unreasonable?

[Tracker4]

'D'h and I have two children, both a little poorly tonight. the baby won't really settle and is still in our room, the 4 year old has joined us and been sick about an hour ago. She has now settled but the baby is waking every half hour or so just unsettled. I'm attempting to comfort both at various stages of upset and unsettled!
About half an hour ago husband just buggered off into the 4 year olds room, he has work tomorrow so needs sleep!
Aibu to think he should at least stay here and help even just a little? Even just to cuddle the 4 year old when she's getting sad! Or aibu because he has work tomorrow and I don't!

I think you're getting to the crux of the issue now OP, in that he's an unhelpful git in general.
I was coming on to say ywbu as well...I'd see no sense in having my dh up all night to tend to sick children when I'm there, as he has to work in the morning.
However, if your dh is a self-prioritising wanker at the best of times, it's understandable that you would see this as yet another occasion whereby he has put himself first and left you to take up the shitwork.
My dh is quite hands on and while I was a SAHM (for 11 years btw) he took an equal share in the housework etc and never placed any demands or expectations on me to be the household drudge.

God I hate all this, poor DH needs his sleep as bless him he has work tomorrow. I think it just shows people's true views on SAHMs. I have a DH who has one of those 'someones life is in his hands' type jobs. I will be dammed if it means he doesn't parent when he's at work then doesn't parent at home as he needs his rest. He chose the job, he chose the kids. I've went onto a ward and did 13hr shifts in 2hrs sleep because of the kids. It never occurred to me to stop looking after my sick children because I needed to sleep I just knew I would need to suck it up the next day.

Mrs Ryan - there are two issues here. One is that the op thought her DH didn't need some quality sleep before getting behind the wheel of a vehicle. That is simply ridiculous.

The other issue, which wasn't initially mentioned, is that the op's DH isn't pulling his weight the rest of the time. Clearly that is unacceptable.

I think that in the situation where you're both working, it's horses for courses...neither gets first dibs on sleep before work the next day.

But when one parent is able to stay at home the next day, I think the other gets the kip. SAHP can have a dozy day in front of the telly if needs be and maybe even a nap. Working parent can't.

I was a SAHM for 11 years and my dh never under-valued what I did. It's just a common sense thing.

I think he should be let sleep for 5-6hrs but help otherwise. So if he helped till midnight or alternatively got up early to give you an hr to sleep. It's hard though because I feel anxious when mine are sick and just recently I had a 3, 2 and 1 yr old all sick at the same time. DH did come out to help but I was very distressed trying to go between them and figure out who needed mummy most. When all was calm he slept while I continued to get up to whoever needed me through the night. It made me quite anxious and lonely but really it was right that he got some sleep.

Oh, I work full time 9-5 too by the way, but his work is horrifically stressful and he's been ill for the last few weeks. My job is a walk in the park so I take all the heat with the kids.

He is very good when he has a day off he does a lot, however when he is working that's it that's all he does! However when I'm back at work I go to work come home and still do 90% of everything in the evening! I'm probably just tired and grumpy!

Now that bit's not right!

As if he should take a day off for "dependent care leave"! What a load of rubbish. Heaven forbid there might be an actual reason to take time off for this, and if he's used up his allowance/goodwill of his employers, he's screwed.

YANBU OP.

I did FT mumming and FT working and working is undoubtedly easier to do on less sleep. DD has just started sleeping through at 2yo and I went back to work quite early so I spent 18 months working despite broken nights. I still think that was entirely the right way round as at work I can at least grab a coffee / shut my eyes on the tube / zone out for 10 minutes if things get desperate, whereas DP had to deal with the constant demands of a toddler the next day.

I have SO many (male) colleagues who think the same way as your DH, that because they're earning they're entitled to the sleep, I'm not allowed to mention my home setup to their wives

How the fuck is the OP supposed to have an easy day tomorrow with two sick children? My 4yo was sick last week and the first thing I had to do in the morning was hold him while he puked. Then cradle him back to sleep as he'd been awake all night puking. Then I had to get up and rinse the vomit off the sheets and both our pjs that he'd puked on overnight and I hadn't been able to deal with at 3am. Then I had to put the laundry on and dash back half way through as he was puking again. Then I got him up, made him a nest on the couch, cleaned out the fire and got it going. Then I had to sit with him while he puked again, then change his clothes as some of it got down his top. Then rinse off his clothes but I couldn't wash them as the machine was already on. Then I risked breastfeeding him, as I was worried he'd dehydrate and breastmilk is so quickly absorbed, but as I had had no sleep the night before and am anaemic at the best of times, I was at serious risk of passing out after wards. I don't think I'd have stayed upright all day if it wasn't for the fact that there was a few cans of coke left over from Christmas still in the house. I barely had a chance to eat breakfast between DS vomiting or needing carrying to the toilet with diarrhea, feeding the fire and doing what I could to manage my poor neglected dogs. My mum actually called around to me with my dinner because there was no way I was getting a chance to cook anything for myself.

And that's with one child. The OP has two. Falling asleep with a 4 year old in the house isn't safe. It's an actual risk to the child's life in many cases as there are plenty of 4 year olds who will climb a heavy bookshelf to get something off the top or decide to cook their own eggs, if they aren't being supervised. As for looking after a baby, well falling asleep on the couch with a baby is actually one of the leading causes of infant death in the western world. It's so, so, so fucking dangerous. So unless the OP's husband is a pilot, surgeon, air traffic controller, etc, the OP making a mistake at work actually has a much, much greater consequence. Because a baby dying on the couch or a preschooler pulling a bookshelf on top of itself or getting first degree burns from the hob, is actually much worse than a mistaken on an invoice.

I think it just shows people's true views on SAHMs.

I think this too actually. Nobody bats an eyelid at a SAHM having to do her day's work on almost zero sleep, as long as DH has had enough rest to get him through his 9-5. Would you be happy for a paid nanny or childminder to watch your children when she was on her knees with tiredness? I would consider that dangerous and would not feel that my children were safe.

Because a baby dying on the couch or a preschooler pulling a bookshelf on top of itself or getting first degree burns from the hob, is actually much worse than a mistaken on an invoice.

And far, far less likely.

OP I reckon it was just one of those times then...both of you are legitimately tired, stressed and over burdened.

It's not great that your dh does nothing at home when he's working so here's a suggestion to run past him. Allocate him one significant household job that is always required to be completed and make that his responsibility. You can discuss what that is between you.

An example of this is that my dh does all the laundry. He gathers, washes, hangs up or pegs out, folds and puts away all the clothes, sheets, towels etc...basically the whole shebang. I do no laundry at all and haven't done for years. I open my drawer and my clothes are there, clean and ready to go.

This was decided after my dh noted just how much I seemed to hate doing laundry - he had always considered laundry one of the better household tasks. Likewise, I had always puzzled over his disproportionate hatred of food shopping. From that day on we allocated those tasks accordingly. Both are essential, time consuming and relentless...he does one, I do the other.

See if you can come up with something significant that you hate doing, which he doesn't mind so much and make it his baby. My dh is like an old fishwife over that washing machine.
It works for us - and well.

I once "sleepwalked" across a main road without looking with Dd in the pram. Luckily no one hit us.

My husband is a web developer.

How important really is it that someone is able to book their holiday online?

Nearly six years later I still slightly hate him for putting Dd at such risk that day.

Some children may be fine with a dozy day in front of the telly, others will be climbing up the wall. All depends on the situation.

In the present situation, it seems likely a lot of holding head of one child and cleaning the sheets of the other simultaneously will be involved.

OP, I feel your pain

the four year old puked once from my reading and went back to bed, i'd have expected help settling/clearing up perhaps but there's no sense in everyone being knackered.

and yes, I was a SAHM for many years, and did the night waking, that said, he could have got up with them this morning around 7 and let you lie in until ten mins before he goes to work.

it's not a competition, you do need to address the work/house balance though before going back.

Because a baby dying on the couch or a preschooler pulling a bookshelf on top of itself or getting first degree burns from the hob, is actually much worse than a mistaken on an invoice.

And far, far less likely.

It may be less likely but it doesn't necessarily mean that it's a risk worth taking.

Dh gets up to strip sheets and clean up any puke while I settle the sick child. Again, common sense job allocation.
When I was a SAHM he'd then go back to sleep - or do his best to anyway. The nature of my job now means that I can call in with an ill child no problem, so he'd still go back to sleep - or try to.

He stayed up until 2am to help out though didn't he? Or was he just sort of there and not doing anything? In which case he wasn't helping much before so does it make any difference?

Talk to him about it and try come up with a plan for next time. Seems daft 2 of you being awake until 2am anyway if the kids were being so consistent with their waking up. In future split the care. Split the night and one does the first half the other does the second. That way you both get some sleep.

Thanks for he replies! The 4 year old is much much better today thankfully but that also means zero rest, I would unlikely get a sleep anyway they definitely tag team being awake and asleep!
Dh woke up at 2 and helped with the sick then disappeared
I am very grateful to everyone who said I was unreasonable as I probably would have had a pop at dh this morning for sleeping which I now see is ridiculous! I think my problem last night as at a few points I was holding the baby to settle the 4 year old was crying and I had no idea how to settle both!
The work home balance is annoying but perhaps as I'm back soon maybe I just suck it up for now and discuss again when I'm back at work? He obviously feels I need to do everything now and I disagree but I am also not working. It does make me feel better that there is such a difference of opinion here

When I was on maternity leave Tracker (and at one point had 3 under 4) DH was leaving the house at 7am and getting back at 7pm. I would always try and take care of things at night but when he walked through the door on an evening he always took over and did Bath, bedtimes if they were still to do, cook, put washing in etc. That's where your DH is going wrong!

I think I agree, often in a weekend afternoon I'll say I'm going for a bath and his response is has x, y or x been done yet! I tell him to bugger off and obviously go for my bath or whatever but I think he has this vague thought in here to do everything for him and I'm definitely not that sort of person. He does pull his weight at times but other times he's just so lazy and I'm so tired it gives me the rage!

Mid-week after work and evening, I shop and cook, dh cleans up kitchen after dinner. I do homework, dh does showers. We take it in turns to do tuck in and story.

I may give it a couple more months and then when I'm back at work see if it changes! If not I'll hand out more jobs, I probably don't have as much weight behind my argument at the moment!

When I had babies/little ones, DH would insist I went for a lie down on weekend afternoons. He also got that, while his commute and day at work may have been more tiring than mine (and often it was), I just needed regular breaks from the relentless demands of looking after small children.

I have 3 DC aged 9,7&5. Dc1 has ADHD and ASD so struggles to go off to sleep. Dc2 has severe disabilities and wakes at 2am after being sedated with two drugs!

Most mornings I get up with DC2 and look after him until 6pm... Go back to bed and DH gets up ... We swap. DH has a demanding job!!! He needs more test than me!!'