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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wrong or am I being unreasonable?

165 replies

Tracker4 · 19/01/2017 02:21

'D'h and I have two children, both a little poorly tonight. the baby won't really settle and is still in our room, the 4 year old has joined us and been sick about an hour ago. She has now settled but the baby is waking every half hour or so just unsettled. I'm attempting to comfort both at various stages of upset and unsettled!
About half an hour ago husband just buggered off into the 4 year olds room, he has work tomorrow so needs sleep!
Aibu to think he should at least stay here and help even just a little? Even just to cuddle the 4 year old when she's getting sad! Or aibu because he has work tomorrow and I don't!

OP posts:
Caper86 · 19/01/2017 05:25

it doesn't matter if he's at work tomorrow. You are the one who won't be getting a break. He should help.

blackteaplease · 19/01/2017 05:25

Me too bluebird, I can think of very few things I would rather do less than look after a sick baby and a hyper bored 4 yo who is overtired.

ExpatInPasturesNew · 19/01/2017 05:29

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry, that's just what it is when you are at home with small children. Presumably your DH has to drive somewhere tomorrow so needs a decent amount of sleep to be able to drive safely.

As your DD has been sick, you won't be out anywhere tomorrow, so you can have a slow day, films, tv. She's also old enough to understand "mummy is tired as she was up all night looking after you two and needs to rest." Use a tablet if need be, on quiet, and doze next to her. Simple plain food for DD (and you) as she's been sick and you're tired. It is horrible trying to get through the day on next to no sleep, you have my sympathy.

sksinfood · 19/01/2017 05:32

He can help.

Unless he's a surgeon, pilot, bus driver etc where lives are in his hands. Or he has a one off important meeting.

Otherwise he can help.

Or he has both kids ALL day on Sat or Sun, leaves the house with them and you get to sleep/relax.

Littlelegs19 · 19/01/2017 05:40

I think you should let him rest, he has work tomorrow and will be no good to anyone on little or no sleep.
In our house, I do all the night time stuff for the baby. Husband needs to sleep and I can rest during the day. It's not worth him being tired, one mistake could cost him his life

icklekid · 19/01/2017 05:52

Wow a lot of people who think working is harder than looking after 2 small children at home. Yanbu op - I would expect dh to help. I would be at breaking point looking after 2 children on no sleep. Mine have tag teamed since 2am but at least I got from 9pm-2am. I woke dh at 5am and he's had ds. Being at home with 2 poorly children can be just as hard as being at work (obviously depending what job they do...) all these folk who recommend pj days probably have older children. Toddlers don't play by the same rules!

ExpatInPasturesNew · 19/01/2017 06:02

Nonsense ickle, a 4 year old is not a toddler Hmm I have a 4 year old and SN 6 yr old (so pretty much a hyperactive, destructive 4 year old with twice the strength). Both started sleeping through when the youngest was 1.5, in the same week. I did not get more than 2 hours sleep at a time for that 1.5 years. It was hard, awful and that was on good nights, not when one of the Dc was ill. Yes it is shit. But DH is the one who if he makes mistakes through tiredness could have a car accident on the journey to work, could get sacked. Then yippee, another pair of hands to help out at home. Oh, but wait a minute, no food to eat, no home to live in. My Dc will happily spend the emergency day watching tv/playing with a tablet because it is a treat.

I don't think working is necessarily harder than looking after two Dc at home. But they are both important,

Batteriesallgone · 19/01/2017 06:11

In our house, having a child under a year old means we go to bed at 8 or 9, so that I can try and squeeze in enough sleep in that time and if not, DH is up at 5am anyway to take the kids so I can get 2 or 3 hours of unbroken sleep.

In this situation we'd likely have gone to bed at 8 or whenever the 4 year old did and DH would have been waken at 3 or 4am to deal with the 4 year old.

Trouble is it's impossible to say who is being unreasonable without knowing what his job is, how difficult it normally is to look after the two of them, etc. I consider 4m as still recovering from birth tbh but then I don't do pregnancy and birth 'well' which skews my view.

BillSykesDog · 19/01/2017 06:19

I think the thing is, it's not a matter of whose day is going to be harder. Nor a matter of whether somebody will create real danger or not, but consequences.

If you're up all night with the kids then home the next day you feel shit and have a horrible day but that's it. If you perform badly at work and make mistakes it has consequences. It might not mean someone dies, but if you type in a few numbers wrong, cock up an invoice which pisses off a customer or screw up the month end accounts then that is going to affect how you are viewed as an employee and that can have long term knock on effects for the whole family. It sucks but that's the way it is. Your children aren't going to give you a poor appraisal if you spend the day in your pyjamas watching movies.

thatone · 19/01/2017 06:22

I would say YABU. Work is a different kind of pressure. Being at home with sick children is no fun but, having done it myself many times, you can still squeeze in some rest.

Gubbins · 19/01/2017 06:39

I'm obviously tougher than I thought; all these delicate flowers who can't get through a day's work without a cock-up unless they've had their 8 hours. One wonders how all those other working parents/insomniacs/junior doctors manage to get through the days.

YANBU, unless he's a pilot or lorry/bus driver. It's one night, he should have taken the four year old in with him and gone to bed early tonight.

CPtart · 19/01/2017 06:43

Will he be driving to work?

lalalalyra · 19/01/2017 06:45

I'm torn. He should have helped, but if he stayed up til 2am and he's got to be up at 6ish for work then he has helped, but if he's going to be driving to work he needs at least some sleep.

That said tomorrow you should be planning/doing nothing other than basic childcare. Sleep when they sleep, tv/tablet/easiest way of amusing the 4yo, simple breakfast/lunch and then he should be all hands on deck when he gets home to give you a break.

CocoLoco87 · 19/01/2017 06:48

He should take today off as 'dependant care leave' and take both kids for a bit this morning to give you a rest.

WidowTwonky · 19/01/2017 06:51

YANBU. A day st the office is infinitely ore easy than a day at home with 2 DC, let alone I'll DC.

I'd be mightily fucked off if OH just buggered of in the night without discussing

WidowTwonky · 19/01/2017 06:53

Sorry for typos there. I'm so tired, I need a day off at work to recover Wink

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 19/01/2017 06:59

If your DH has a job which would be compromised by lack of sleep (driving job, medical profession, others where tiredness could lead to big mistakes) then YABU. If he doesn't, he could at least let you both sleep "in shifts" so both of you get at least 4 hours as a block.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/01/2017 07:02

you can still squeeze in some rest.

Perhaps that was possible with your children. It most definitely is not the case with mine. It's not the same for everyone.

I'm a bit Hmm at all these husbands and partners who are bound to make mistakes and cannot possibly function on one crap night's sleep, but a great many of us have to pull it out of the bag and be a shit hot mum on less than 5 hours of broken sleep for months or years on end.

1DAD2KIDS · 19/01/2017 07:05

What is the nature of his job? In my line of work I can't just fall asleep at the controls, hundreds of people's life's would be in danger. So I would understand his need for sleep depending on his job. Also does he have a long driving commute home? You'll want him back in one piece if that the job. But if there would be no danger to him or others or to hos job through lack of sleep he should be helping.

Whatsername17 · 19/01/2017 07:07

My dh would never do this. When our dd is sick he is usually the one running around fetching calpol/sick buckets/ doing the washing whilst I sit under the puky child. He only ever sleeps elsewhere if I ask him to (dd takes up a lot of room) and once she is settled. Being tired for one day when your kids are sick isn't career ending. I have to cope when I go into work after being up with dd. Currently on mat leave awaiting no2 and dh still wouldn't just leave me to it. It's part of being a parent. Plus, there is usually a point where things settle and a couple of hours can be snatched for sleep. When I'm at work, that gets me through, as it does dh. You have my sympathy op. But you need to talk to your dh about pitching in.

1DAD2KIDS · 19/01/2017 07:15

icklekid to a certain extent yes I do think working is harder than being at home with my kids. I have to do both. I have a 1 and a 5 year old. When I am not in work (strange working patterns in my job) I can have a late night. The house work takes maybe 1 hour of my day and I am often watching the kids at the same time. I get to watch a bit of TV. I get to have some fun playtime with the kids.

When I am working I have to go bed v early. Go to work. Pick up kids. Dinner. Kids bed time. Squeeze in some house work. My bed time. V. Lucky if I get 30 mins TV in.

I will probably get some flack for this but although looking after the kids is work it's not anything as hard as going and doing a full days work. It's just not. I can get loads more done and a bit of time for myself(ish) when it's just me looking after kids.

Bythebeach · 19/01/2017 07:17

YABU providing you aren't working tomorrow and have a day in with the kids-you can catch up a bit on rest tomorrow when baby naps/4tr old in front of TV. You say kids are both a little bit poorly'. You can deal with that, no need for the dad to be exhausted too and hopefully when he gets home from work tomorrow, he can take over for a few hours. If they're both really poorly or baby needing to be held whilst 4 yr old vomiting/needing a dose of calpol then wake him up for 30 mins for help but no need to just keep husband in the sleepless zone just because!

Original poster
Tracker4 · 19/01/2017 07:18

Thank you for all the replies!! I've had the grand total of an hours sleep and dh is still asleep!!!
Thanks for the replies telling me I am being unreasonable it has stopped me going into him and having a moan! I appreciate he has work but I don't handle tiredness well! His job does involve driving so he can't be shattered but he's still asleep now!
I guess I would have liked some help! He is off tomorrow though so he can take tonight!!!

OP posts:
Notso · 19/01/2017 07:22

I'm a bit Hmm at all these husbands and partners who are bound to make mistakes and cannot possibly function on one crap night's sleep, but a great many of us have to pull it out of the bag and be a shit hot mum on less than 5 hours of broken sleep for months or years on end.

Same here. I know a few husbands who can't seem to manage to get up with babies and children because work but can stay out drinking in a Sunday or Bank Holiday until 4 am and drag themselves to work the next morning.

Bythebeach · 19/01/2017 07:23

Perfect-he can do tonight!