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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH drink driving

183 replies

fryingpan · 17/01/2017 20:25

About 5 years ago, DH lost his driving license for drink driving, and I said to him that if he ever drove drunk again I would split up with him. He has been impeccably behaved since then.

Tonight he had 3.5 pints of average strength lager and then we ordered a takeaway. He went down to get it while I looked after the baby. I thought he had walked down but it turns out he drove. Half a mile round trip on a very quiet road - it's unlikely he'd pass another car at this time of the evening. He thought that because it was so close and he didn't feel drunk, and the weather was so awful, it would be okay.

He's staying here tonight as he obviously can't drive to a friend's, and he has to leave for work at 6am. I've told him that from tomorrow he can find somewhere else to stay.

I feel sick to my stomach. Aside from this, he's a wonderful husband and father.

What the hell should I do?

OP posts:
badtasteflump · 18/01/2017 12:43

I'm sorry - it may be obvious but I didn't RTFT.

But I would still say he needs to stop drinking.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/01/2017 12:44

How am I shoving the boot in. What hes doing is wrong. Its nothing to do with boots being shoved in.
I'm going to leave this thread now as I can see you're upset and believe me that is not my intention. However my feelings still stand.
I wish you well.

Trainspotting1984 · 18/01/2017 12:45

"Today 12:35 Awwlookatmybabyspider

If me having a zero tolerance attitude to drink driving makes me unkind. I wear my badge with honor.
Ive already stated op is not to blame."

Why? You're not actually doing anything positive, which would be a badge of honour. Just making someone in an already bad place feel even more shit about themselves just because drink driving EXISTS. Well done you

Snifftest · 18/01/2017 12:46

What if I have to tell my kid in 5 years that she's growing up in a broken family because her daddy didn't want to walk to the takeaway in bad weather?

What if you had to tell your kid they can't see their dad because he killed someone because he couldn't be bothered to walk to the take away?

It's be a deal breaker for me.

I doubt those saying your reaction is extreme would be saying that if you'd come one here to say he'd injured someone or worse and you were sticking with him.

WellErrr · 18/01/2017 12:49

My point was that she's having a go at the wrong people

No, YOU are having a go at the wrong person.

Original poster
fryingpan · 18/01/2017 12:50

I think I'm giving my husband as much misery as I'm getting on here. I've sent him links to stories about people who've died at the hands of drunk drivers. I've told him to imagine our baby dead under the wheels of a drunk driver's car, ive sent him statistics about just how little alcohol can impair judgement. It's torturing me to have to think like this but I'm not giving up until he understands what his actions could cause.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/01/2017 12:50

How many times do I have to say op is not at fault.
No where did I say. Your husband drinks and drives and you're responsible, and if I have show me my comment please. !.
Also you don't know what I do in my personal life. Train.

diddl · 18/01/2017 12:51

" he can't lapse back into drink driving."

He sadly has though.

There's nothing wrong with a couple of drinks in the evening, but for a lot of people if they drive to work, it's easier to just not take a risk when they are driving the next morning.

It's also that he was willing to take the risk when he could have walked, asked you to drive or taken a taxi.

Trainspotting1984 · 18/01/2017 12:51

If you don't think she's responsible why are you having a go at her? You may not have said it but that's the impression your posts are giving clearly

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 18/01/2017 12:52

He clearly isn't an alcoholic, OP, I see where you're coming from.
Would I call the police in that situation? No. I wouldn't.
I would, however, be fucking fuming though, the absolute ignorance of driving when he wasn't 100% that he was under the limit and that he could have very, very easily walked, would make me so angry.
Hand on heart, I probably wouldn't leave a marriage over it to be honest. I would make it clear I was furious and that it wasn't, in any way, acceptable behaviour and I would probably buying one of those breathalyzer things to keep in the car.
You know what is best for you though, essentially, what a group of strangers say on the internet doesn't mean anything.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/01/2017 12:56

I'm not having a go at her. I'm having a go at her husband.

I don't want a bun fight with you but I'll offer no apologies for saying He is wrong for drink driving, of course its not her fault what he does

WellErrr · 18/01/2017 12:57

I'm not having a go at her. I'm having a go at her husband

But he's not on the thread, so actually it is her you're having a go at.

Original poster
fryingpan · 18/01/2017 12:58

This is all getting totally out of hand. Thanks for all the advice and support from those who came from a place of goodness, those who posted just to preach well I hope you've enjoyed yourselves at least. I'm off.

OP posts:
WellErrr · 18/01/2017 12:59

Don't blame you. Best of luck with it.

Personally, I wouldn't leave an otherwise good man over this. But it's obviously your choice.

Flowers
Trainspotting1984 · 18/01/2017 13:00

Me neither, especially in a country with lax drink driving laws/ attitude. Is easy to judge with 30 years of culture change in this country

Darmody · 18/01/2017 13:00

*Would I call the police in that situation? No. I wouldn't.
I would, however, be fucking fuming though, *

FWIW, my OH would be exactly the same if I was to drink and drive (not least because, if I lost my licence, we would have no choice but to move house). Wouldn't be something we'd split up over, but would tarnish things.

I have always thought that you are at your most dangerous after about 3-5 pints - you're drunk enough that it's affecting you, but not drunk enough to realise it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/01/2017 13:02

I don't blame you. Flowers

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/01/2017 13:02

I'm with WellErr. Best of luck, OP. Sounds like your DH is very remorseful.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 18/01/2017 13:02

As PPs, don't blame you OP. I hope you resolve it Flowers

xStefx · 18/01/2017 13:06

Don't blame you OP
Hope you both sort it , take care x

ShatnersWig · 18/01/2017 13:07

Handonheart you said "I probably wouldn't leave a marriage over it to be honest. I would make it clear I was furious and that it wasn't, in any way, acceptable behaviour". How many times would you do that? If you'd already told him once it was unacceptable and you would leave him and he did it again, would you say "look, I've told you once, I'm furious, it's not acceptable" and hope that this time he listens? And if he didn't? Surely there has to be a line?

OP I know it is very difficult for you, I think you did absolutely the right thing sticking by your guns. If you do, at some point, allow him to come back, and you don't want to "police" him with keys etc, then the only way I can see it working is that he goes tee-total (not because he's an alcoholic, he isn't, but to ensure your piece of mind). And know that it really would be third strike and out. But even with that, I suspect you will always wonder when he's not there if he's sticking to it, and sadly, it might only take one slip for it to be the one where something awful happens. The thing then, is that you will beat yourself up for the rest of your life as you may feel partly responsible for "forgiving him" this time. It is a bit no-win situation. But, for what it's worth, it isn't of your making, and you need to think of your piece of mind, your child's safety, and that of others.

Silentplikebath · 18/01/2017 13:15

Op, I'm sorry to hear about what had happened.

Hopefully you and your DH can sort things out between you. Would your DH be prepared to give up all alcohol forever in order to remain married to you?

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/01/2017 13:39

2 drinks on a night out in uk would put you /dh over the limit

Not sure what the legal limit is where you are

Zero drinking if driving would be my policy with your hubby

thisgirlrides · 18/01/2017 13:44

I know you're not posting anymore op but in case you read....my DH was done for drink driving about 2 years ago (incidentally for 3 pints then driving about 200yards down the road from the pub to home to save him having to walk back in the morning Envy) so know what a massive deal this relapse must be for you as I too took a "if it happens again we're over" approach.
In your shoes I would certainly kick him out and hopefully put the fear of god into him but not sure I would end my marriage over it assuming there wasn't an underlying drink problem. I do agree that it isn't unreasonable to now insist on a zero drink & drive rule as he clearly hasn't grasped either the limits or the seriousness of his actions.

Welshwabbit · 18/01/2017 13:58

OP, in case you are still reading I'm sorry this has happened to you. I did have a thought that I don't think has been mentioned yet - how about as a condition of your DH's return, he has to attend marriage counselling with you so that you can have a full exploration of how damaging and hurtful to you his decision to drive drunk was? I hope you're OK.

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