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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH drink driving

183 replies

fryingpan · 17/01/2017 20:25

About 5 years ago, DH lost his driving license for drink driving, and I said to him that if he ever drove drunk again I would split up with him. He has been impeccably behaved since then.

Tonight he had 3.5 pints of average strength lager and then we ordered a takeaway. He went down to get it while I looked after the baby. I thought he had walked down but it turns out he drove. Half a mile round trip on a very quiet road - it's unlikely he'd pass another car at this time of the evening. He thought that because it was so close and he didn't feel drunk, and the weather was so awful, it would be okay.

He's staying here tonight as he obviously can't drive to a friend's, and he has to leave for work at 6am. I've told him that from tomorrow he can find somewhere else to stay.

I feel sick to my stomach. Aside from this, he's a wonderful husband and father.

What the hell should I do?

OP posts:
Cheby · 17/01/2017 21:20

I would leave him. He has obviously normalised drink driving in his head. He would rather risk someone else's life than walk a mile to pick up food. That is not the mark of a good person.

CockacidalManiac · 17/01/2017 21:20

Only you know where your boundaries are, and if you can move on beyond this.

OliviaBenson · 17/01/2017 21:20

Better than telling your children daddy isn't coming home because he knocked someone down having driven when drunk?

This would be a deal breaker for me. He's was banned before and yet he still does it? He's learned nothing then. The distance makes no difference. He will always justify it one way.

I say this as the daughter of an alcoholic who also drove when drunk. It's impact is profound on me. I was so stressed as a child when I knew he'd taken the car keys. Horrific upbringing.

Please think about this long term. Are you sure he doesn't have a drink problem?

Oldraver · 17/01/2017 21:20

This is the thing, he didn't think it was a problem.

Why did he think it not a problem ? You posted at 8.20 he had had 3.5 pints... that's quite lot of units and would put him over the limit if he drank that over a short space of time.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/01/2017 21:21

Agree Macca

allchattedout · 17/01/2017 21:22

Maybe if I can impress upon him how unacceptable this is, regardless of the length of the journey or how much or little over the limit he is, it might scare some sense into him

Would he be prepared to give up drinking completely? If it makes him dice with other people's lives, surely it is not something that he should be doing? I might be prepared to give him a second chance if he went completely teetotal. Otherwise, I just don't think you can trust that it won't happen again. You would think that being convicted would scare the shit out of most people, but not him. Therefore something more drastic is needed.

Blacksox · 17/01/2017 21:23

I think giving up on a good marriage is over the top, but I can see why you're upset.

He needs to agree never to drive after any alcohol whatsoever.

HandbagCrazy · 17/01/2017 21:23

I think if I were you I would let h m stay somewhere else for a few nights then have a discussion about it. His reaction would tell me everything I needed to know.
If he's very apologetic and explains to you (without any prompting) how he understands why you're so upset / angry and is remorseful enough, I would consider a [final] chance.
If he makes a thing of you being OTT, that would be the end of the line for me.

And if you did split, it wouldn't be because 'daddy didn't want to walk to the takeaway' it would be because 'daddy was irresponsible and could have killed someone.' (This is not an overreaction. I work in car insurance claims and the damage a drunk driver can do is staggering)

joystir59 · 17/01/2017 21:23

I don't think I could end a relationship for this, unless its part of a wider drink problem.

Wolfiefan · 17/01/2017 21:24

A couple of small beers? But 3.5 pints suddenly on a Tuesday night? Before dinner?
I would suggest he is drinking more than you think. And every night?

kath6144 · 17/01/2017 21:26

Op, depending on what time he drank, he could still be over the limit at 6am when he goes to work too.

Original poster
fryingpan · 17/01/2017 21:26

oldraver, he had the drinks over a period of 2 hours after finishing the early shift.

I'm really sorry for everyone who has dealt with alcoholism Flowers at the same time, I can say with absolute confidence that he is not an alcoholic. And I do have alcoholism in my family so I know a bit about it.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 17/01/2017 21:30

If you think it's potentially a misunderstanding rather than him not caring, you could leave it for a day or two basically to impress that it's serious (this doesn't feel quite right to me - like putting a toddler in time out).

But in short perhaps the boundary just needs to be clearer. He didn't try to hide it, which is good, but maybe "no more drink driving" is ambiguous because he felt fine. Does he in fact know he was over the limit? Perhaps getting a home breathalyser kit so that he can see for himself that just because he "feels fine" he's not, OR just restating that you mean zero alcohol.

I'm in Germany and here the limit is zero tolerance for the first two years, so I use this calculator to work out when I can drive the day after drinking (I'm a lightweight): celtickane.com/projects/blood-alcohol-content-bac-calculator/ - the UK limit it also 0.08 as mentioned on the site, unless you're in Scotland, then it's 0.05.

I can see that it needs to be more serious than just "Oh well, maybe he didn't know!" because he fucking should know, he should make it his business to know.

Perhaps he should leave and not come back until he has a solution you're happy with. Instead of giving him the answer, give the responsibility to him to come up with it.

Also in answer to your last question, what would be fucking stupid would be having to tell your kid right now that her Daddy is not coming home, ever, because he lost control of the car unexpectedly due to bad weather + poor reactions and your lives are torn apart for the sake of not getting wet collecting a takeaway. Yes, tell him how stupid you would feel for breaking up with him, but tell him this as well.

PastysPrincess · 17/01/2017 21:33

My husband and two friends were ran over by a drunk driver who only had 2 or three pints. Fortunately none of them were killed but one needed an operation and another will eventually need his leg amputating due to poor blood flow.

OP you are absolutely right. I sat in court and listened to solicitor arguing that it wasn't done with malicious intent the driver just "thought it would be alright".

Original poster
fryingpan · 17/01/2017 21:34

Please don't let this turn into a Mumsnet witch-hunt to get my alcoholic husband. Yes it's a lot to drink early evening in the midweek. He and his friends have a game they play which is like cards with beer, and is the last vestige of their silly youth. They get together for a few hands when everyone is available, once every two or three weeks. I don't think it's a problem, any more than is my habit of guzzling half a bottle of red while quietly reading glossy magazines on a Friday evening.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 17/01/2017 21:36

And if he thinks you're being overdramatic invite him to share that opinion with your local police officers - I'm sure they'll be happy to correct him. People can and do cause crashes when they are only just over the limit.

FireSquirrel · 17/01/2017 21:39

I wouldn't be able to trust him now. If a conviction wasn't enough to knock some sense into him, what will be? If he doesn't appreciate the severity if what he did tonight then what's to stop him doing it again in another few months? What's to stop him doing it with dc in the car? Even if they were weak beers, 3.5 pints is more than enough to significantly impair his reactions, and yet he doesn't seem to see it as a big deal. I would spend the whole time worrying waiting for him to do it again and I wouldn't ever feel safe leaving dc alone with him, and that's no way to live.

BertieBotts · 17/01/2017 21:40

He doesn't sound like an alcoholic to me, it just sounds like he has a skewed idea of what his capabilities are after drinking. I suppose that it's easy for me to be cautious because I absolutely feel affected even after one small drink. If you don't feel it until later it must be more difficult to tell, but in my opinion, that's just a reason to be hardline about it and give yourself a zero tolerance approach rather than guessing.

If you look at the calculator I put on, if he's about average weight he'd probably not have been very far over the limit, but that's the whole point, isn't it? If he can't tell, he shouldn't risk it.

Original poster
fryingpan · 17/01/2017 21:40

Bertie very good idea to get him to come up with a solution.

Our rule has always been that if he stays within the legal limit it's okay to have a drink. So he might have two drinks slowly, and he is a big guy. If he's ever wanted to go over that, I drive, and if I can't drive or want to go home earlier he stays with friends. It sounds like these rules need restating very clearly.

OP posts:
allchattedout · 17/01/2017 21:41

I don't think it sounds like he is an alcoholic. But he has a problem with alcohol in that he will take a risk that could result in someone dying or being seriously injured and your husband going to jail for a long time. I would genuinely stop drinking if I realised that I was incapable of stopping myself from driving.

I know someone who drank four pints in the pub and went for a drive. He killed a middle-aged couple who were just out for an evening stroll on a country lane. I have nothing to do with him now as he was full of self-pity, pleaded not guilty and his parents rang around his friends who had been in the pub with him and told them to lie to the police about the amount he had drunk (one of them had tried to take his keys off him). He got a shamefully short jail sentence.

OliviaBenson · 17/01/2017 21:42

I think you need to stop minimising this op. Would he give up drinking?

garlicandsapphire · 17/01/2017 21:43

I wouldn't throw away the marriage for a stupid unthinking mistake. Say what you need to say, be very pithy but love, to me, means forgiveness.

happypoobum · 17/01/2017 21:44

This would be a deal breaker for me Flowers

Stickerrocks · 17/01/2017 21:45

Sit him down & show him www.isledrivesafeiw.com/. It may put his actions into perspective.

Bluntness100 · 17/01/2017 21:45

This would be a deal breaker for me too, I couldn't be with someone who drink drove, I think it's abhorrent behaviour. It doesn't matter how quick the journey is, all it takes is a cyclist or a kid to run out, and he will either seriously injure or kill them, and even if he doesn't he will go to jail. And rightly so.

I genuinely mean this when I say I'd kick him out,