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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH drink driving

183 replies

fryingpan · 17/01/2017 20:25

About 5 years ago, DH lost his driving license for drink driving, and I said to him that if he ever drove drunk again I would split up with him. He has been impeccably behaved since then.

Tonight he had 3.5 pints of average strength lager and then we ordered a takeaway. He went down to get it while I looked after the baby. I thought he had walked down but it turns out he drove. Half a mile round trip on a very quiet road - it's unlikely he'd pass another car at this time of the evening. He thought that because it was so close and he didn't feel drunk, and the weather was so awful, it would be okay.

He's staying here tonight as he obviously can't drive to a friend's, and he has to leave for work at 6am. I've told him that from tomorrow he can find somewhere else to stay.

I feel sick to my stomach. Aside from this, he's a wonderful husband and father.

What the hell should I do?

OP posts:

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/01/2017 12:09

The police won't be interested at this point.

Original poster

fryingpan · 18/01/2017 12:15

But these are your personal standards rather than the law. Yes, it is better for noone to drink at all ever, but I don't really think it's fair to be so aggressive towards me because I don't meet your own criteria?

You do realise I'm an actual person, don't you? A real person living in a foreign country with no family around me, now left on my own to bring up a baby? A person whose baby is waiting in their highchair for food while I hide in the kitchen and try to stop crying for long enough to feed her? I'm starting to feel like I'm such an appalling person for keeping on the right side of the law that they might as well lock me up too and then my poor child can be a fucking orphan.

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/01/2017 12:15

No. They'll only be interested when there's a grieving devastated mother father, husband wife, son or daughter, burying their loved one. Rather than preventing a tragedy before it unfolds, because it terrifies me to say this, but. It probablywill happen one day. If they don't clamp down on it.

Original poster

fryingpan · 18/01/2017 12:18

And it's my fault. I killed them all because I didn't call the police. Come and take me away and lock me up and leave me to die like the murderous dog that I am.

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/01/2017 12:19

Frying no one is Having a go at you. You're not the one getting behind the wheel, but. Things like drink driving will stir up emotions in people. Especially so if they have been directly effected by it.

Trainspotting1984 · 18/01/2017 12:22

I'm sorry OP people are being really fuckimg unfair- talk about kicking someone when she's down. Her family has just fallen apart FFs.

And her husbands actions are never her responsibility. Ridiculous to suggest so

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/01/2017 12:22

I'd back off, OP. People are being unkind and unhelpful. Your DH is not your responsibility.

Seems to me you'd do best to leave this thread which has turned really nasty. Sorry you're being attacked like this.

inniu · 18/01/2017 12:25

From what you have said it seems your normal pattern is he guesses that he is under the limit after 2 pints and this time you discovered that he had stretched it to 3.5 pints which you are fairly sure is over the limit.

I think it is surprising that someone who already has a conviction for drink driving would routinely drink and drive and assume that they are under the limit. I would expect that a conviction would be a huge wake up call.

It is good that your husband is going to examine his relationship with alcohol. Did he do any drink driving awareness programme after his conviction? If not maybe it is time to do one now.

In your case I would support him if he was trying to change. If he doesn't try to change his behaviour then I would feel differently.

Katy07 · 18/01/2017 12:28

You do realise I'm an actual person, don't you? A real person living in a foreign country with no family around me, now left on my own to bring up a baby?
But it's not the fault of anyone on here is it? It's your husband's fault for driving when he'd been drinking. You may not like some of the opinions being expressed but the fact is that your husband had a lot to drink and then got in the car. He could have killed himself, he could have killed others. Luckily on this occasion he didn't. And hopefully you kicking him out will be enough to make him change his thinking permanently. You can take him back in an instant if you want. But if he gets behind the wheel again when he's been drinking it might screw your life up a lot more than it feels like it is right now.

Trainspotting1984 · 18/01/2017 12:30

"The fact is your husband had a lot to drink and got in the car"

And katy, what the fuck do you want her to do about that? It's not her fault, stop bullying and jabbing at the poor woman.

WellErrr · 18/01/2017 12:31

Frying

Don't forget that many posters on here love a bit of pious preaching. No one on Mumsnet ever makes a mistake or does anything wrong.

My opinion? He did a really stupid thing. He's otherwise lovely.
I'd leave him in no doubt of how much he's disappointed you, but leave him over it? Leave your child with a part time daddy over it? No. That's ridiculous.

The people on here baying for his blood and telling you you must leave him and report him to the police are being daft. They don't have to actually deal with this, and if they did, I would seriously doubt whether they would shop their lovely DH to the police.

Be mad. Be serious. But be sensible.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/01/2017 12:32

Hear, hear, Trainspotting!

Original poster

fryingpan · 18/01/2017 12:32

No it's not anyone's fault, but does it hurt to show compassion? I can really see why all this bullying of teenagers online can lead to such nasty consequences. I'm a grown adult and it's made me feel like absolute shit. I feel like the scummiest and nastiest of humans.

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/01/2017 12:35

If me having a zero tolerance attitude to drink driving makes me unkind. I wear my badge with honor.
Ive already stated op is not to blame.

RogueStar01 · 18/01/2017 12:35

what a horrible situation to find yourself in frying. Personally I think you've shown great resolve by kicking him out. I'd be inclined to give him one more chance but given he's broken your trust I'm not sure I wouldn't suspect that he will do it again. Can he make you some assurances like handing over his car keys to you when he starts drinking going forward? i.e. remove his access to the car, and he has to sign up to that to move back in.

WellErrr · 18/01/2017 12:36

You're not. The sanctimonious fuckers on here are the lowest of the low.

Pretending to be all caring and holier than thou while actually just behaving like utter cunts.

You're not the one that comes out of this looking bad, frying.

RogueStar01 · 18/01/2017 12:37

yy i agree with wellerr it's so easy to be morally unbending on a computer screen whilst giving some unknown stranger a good pummeling.

xStefx · 18/01/2017 12:37

OP, Some people here are being really harsh. I wonder how perfect their husbands and lives are. Im sure most people mess up (including us and our partners)
Rather than split up (if you don't want to) , can you help him to take control of this and work round it. Keys go to you when alcohol is opened in the house???... I don't know anything. You came on here cos you knew it was a bad thing for him to do, people are using it to lynch you rather than be supportive and helpful.

Original poster

fryingpan · 18/01/2017 12:38

Awwlook, it's an admirable attitude and one I totally agree with. What makes you unkind is seeing someone who is clearly distressed and trying to do the right thing, and shoving the boot in.

OP posts:

badtasteflump · 18/01/2017 12:39

This would definitely be a dealbreaker for me.

The fact that he doesn't think it's a problem speaks volumes about him IMO.

If you decide to stay with him, I would be doing so only on the basis that he stops drinking completely. He may not be an alcoholic but that's kind of irrelevant - he can't be trusted to drink because he behaves dangerously when he has a drink.

Original poster

fryingpan · 18/01/2017 12:40

xStefx it's a good idea in theory, but the idea of having to police him will I think just cause suspicion and resentment all round. I need to be able to trust him again, somehow, if I'm to let him come back.

OP posts:

Katy07 · 18/01/2017 12:42

My point was that she's having a go at the wrong people. She needs to be expressing these emotions at her husband - it might be what he needs to change his behaviour permanently and get some counselling or whatever. If he carries on and does it again then he could kill himself or kill someone else and end up in prison and then she'll be permanently on her own with no way out. As it is she can take him back in (and probably should if he looks like changing his ways) and it'll (hopefully) be fine again. But he needs to change. Not her, not us, him. And she can help him do that - it sounds as if she already is by following through with her ultimatum. We can't.

Pallisers · 18/01/2017 12:42

Only on MN could you get a conversation like this:

OP: My husband had a conviction for drunk driving. I told him if he ever drove over the limit again I would leave him. He did and I told him to get out. I feel terrible.

Poster: You have a very cavalier attitude toward alcohol and I hope your children don't pick up on it.

Best of luck OP. You have a very difficult situation on your hands.

HopefulHamster · 18/01/2017 12:42

If this is a big deal to you, which I think it is, then it is perfectly reasonable to say that he doesn't have ANY drink and drive. No one needs to have 'just one', after all.

It is worse that he thought bad weather made it better. Bad weather would just impede his judgement further.

I'm not having a go OP. I sympathise - but I would say no more drink if you intend to drive.

Original poster

fryingpan · 18/01/2017 12:43

Thanks so much to wellerr and everyone who's come to my defence! I've seen this nastiness time and time again on here so goodness only knows what, apart from sheer desperation, encouraged me to post on here.

OP posts:

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