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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH drink driving

183 replies

fryingpan · 17/01/2017 20:25

About 5 years ago, DH lost his driving license for drink driving, and I said to him that if he ever drove drunk again I would split up with him. He has been impeccably behaved since then.

Tonight he had 3.5 pints of average strength lager and then we ordered a takeaway. He went down to get it while I looked after the baby. I thought he had walked down but it turns out he drove. Half a mile round trip on a very quiet road - it's unlikely he'd pass another car at this time of the evening. He thought that because it was so close and he didn't feel drunk, and the weather was so awful, it would be okay.

He's staying here tonight as he obviously can't drive to a friend's, and he has to leave for work at 6am. I've told him that from tomorrow he can find somewhere else to stay.

I feel sick to my stomach. Aside from this, he's a wonderful husband and father.

What the hell should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
fryingpan · 17/01/2017 21:47

Bertie, he was about 45 minutes away from being under the limit again Sad

OP posts:
modzy78 · 17/01/2017 21:48

My dad was killed by someone drinking and driving, so you don't even want to know what I'd do in your case. At the very least, kick him out for a week or two. Maybe that will be enough of a wake up call for him. If you let it slide, there's too much of a chance he'll do it again. And someone could die.

Stickerrocks · 17/01/2017 21:48

If you throw him out, will it prevent him from doing it again? You sound as though you love him & monitor his driving if he's with you. Will he self-regulate?

blueskyinmarch · 17/01/2017 21:49

You can buy an alcohol breathalyser easily and cheaply. Get one and he agrees to test himself before he drives anywhere?

allchattedout · 17/01/2017 21:50

I wouldn't throw away the marriage for a stupid unthinking mistake

Sorry, but that is massively minimising this. The man has a fricking conviction for drink-driving. Every time he gets behind the wheel, that should be in his mind. This is not a stupid unthinking mistake- it is about putting his wish to avoid walking half a mile ahead of the safety of other innocent people on the roads, despite his full knowledge that it is illegal and very dangerous.

allchattedout · 17/01/2017 21:51

modzy78 Flowers

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/01/2017 21:51

Does he have a drink every night ? There are diff types of alcoholism (sadly I know ,dh was one. I say was as although got him detoxed and was dry maybe 6mths when he died he was heavily drunk) :(

Having one glass every night , binge drinking at weekends , etc means you have a problem with booze

Anyway back to your dilemma. Yes if you say something you need to carry it out. Maybe talk tomorrow and say he needs to leave. It may make him think about drinking and driving next time

And after a few days talk and he comes home

It seems insane to break up a family over one mistake (if it is his first time since lost license) but he needs to know you mean it

If you know he is drinking then hide the car keys

EweAreHere · 17/01/2017 21:53

On the fence.

How did he react when you told him he needs to find somewhere else to stay tomorrow, OP?

blankmind · 17/01/2017 21:53

I'd definitely have a chat about it and try and work out a way that it wouldn't happen again, something like could he always put his car keys in a place you can both see e.g. mantelpiece, then if he needs to go out and forgets he's over the limit again, you can easily remind him not to drive when he gets up and goes to pick them up.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/01/2017 21:53

he had had 3.5 pints... that's quite lot of units and would put him over the limit if he drank that over a short space of time.

It'd put him over the link even if he'd sipped them slowly!

But I do think it's not helpful theorising whether or not he 'is' an alcoholic. All sorts of people have unhealthy attitudes to alcohol for all sorts of reasons. The key thing is his actions.

I do think, though, it is utter nonsense to call this 'a stupid unthinking mistake' or to talk piously about 'love' meaning 'forgiveness'. That's the sort of crass and selfish attitude to other people's safety no one needs.

TwoFs · 17/01/2017 21:58

How is your DH feeling about what he did now? Is he sorry/upset with himself or does he think what he did was ok? Is he agreeing to leave tomorrow?

Original poster
fryingpan · 17/01/2017 22:00

Modzy78 Flowers I'm so sorry about your dad.

I'm really not trying to minimise it, though yes I will get defensive when people start slapping massive labels on my husband willy-nilly. I've seen it far too often on here and it's counter-productive.

I think what he did was horrific and that is why I'm on here to try to talk it through, rather than pretending it didn't happen.

He tried to sleep in the car but I wouldn't let him as it's so cold out there. He's packed a bag and is leaving in the morning. He's also shuffled downstairs twice to apologise.

OP posts:
Trainspotting1984 · 17/01/2017 22:04

There is no reason to think he's an alcoholic. Stand down ffs.

Op I think you're doing exactly the right thing. What I think it's quite concerning is he's been caught once, which must've been extremely humiliating, and that wasn't enough to terrify him for life. Research has shown time and time again it's not the idea of killing someone that stops people DD (because they know, realistically that the chances of that are extremely small) but of being caught, arrested, put in a cell, potentially losing job/ license/ money all of which is humiliating and stressful. But hasn't quite worked for him Confused

CupofTeaTime · 17/01/2017 22:04

Splitting up over this when he is fantastic and a good dad etc etc is way over the top. Yes what he did was stupid and irresponsible but you really want to never be with him again and have your DC not have their father live with them over this?!

MaryMargaret · 17/01/2017 22:06

I think as an absolute minimum it is no driving (for either of you!) after any alcohol whatsoever.

I have teenaged driving children and I think its crucial us parents model that behaviour to them. Your dcs will be teens too before you know it. And it removes any ambiguity.

There is no reason for one of you not to drink Becks Blue or similar when you are driving. If you can't hack a night out without alcohol, then you have a problem, but assuming you don't, then no alcohol at all when driving seems a lot cleaner and clearly, the only safe option here.

But as pps have said it should come from him, and he should commit to this if you split or not. He should want to. I hope he is horrified with himself.

Baylisiana · 17/01/2017 22:08

Does he claim that he can safely drive in that state? If yes, he needs to accept that he cannot and also cannot judge his own ability. If yes or no, then what does he say about how he would be feeling now if he had maimed or killed someone tonight? How would the victim and their family be feeling? What would happen to him and what would be the consequences for you and your dc?

That didn't happen tonight, but in a scenario where it had, how would his intentions, decisions, actions have differed from tonight? Up to the moment of impact they wouldn't. Not at all. He did everything and took every risk to make that worst case scenario happen and by pure luck he got away with it.

What is he proposing to do? I would be thinking a minimum of give up alcohol or give up his car. He clearly cannot be trusted to have both.

Wolfiefan · 17/01/2017 22:08

I think drinking that much and then thinking you are sober enough to drive suggests an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I'm not starting a witch hunt.
He was 45 minutes away from being under the limit? What? You can't actually know this though. The rate the body processes alcohol varies. It's not safe to have a couple and drive. It is a really bad idea.

Original poster
fryingpan · 17/01/2017 22:08

Trainspotting, we don't live in the UK and my husband isn't British. It simply doesn't carry the stigma here that it does in some places, despite the obvious and devastating consequences.

A good proportion of DH's friends have lost their licences at one time or another. I'm really in the minority fighting against it, though I think the situation is improving.

OP posts:
chocolateworshipper · 17/01/2017 22:08

Of course it is your decision, but it sounds like you would like to stay with him IF he can change. How about the following:

He agrees to have education on the horrific consequences of d-d.
He agrees to always use a home breathalyser test before driving if he has drunk any alcohol in the previous 24 hours.
NO driving within x hours of drinking x amount of alcohol (I don't know enough to fill in the x's)

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/01/2017 22:10

Good for you staying firm.

It could be he'll learn his lesson from a bit of separation time. I really hope so. But I think you are absolutely right to show him how bad it is and how upset you are.

Trainspotting1984 · 17/01/2017 22:11

That makes sense OP. And puts a bit of a different light on it really. Hadn't realised you were in a country it was more acceptable. I know, for example a couple of wonderful smart caring South Africans who think nothing of DD there but would never do it here due to the stigma

ChristmasEvePJs · 17/01/2017 22:12

I think the link is also very subjective... I have put my details in and it says I would be fine to drive after two and a half glasses of wine. That is utter nonsense... I would be squiffy for quite some time.

wannabestressfree · 17/01/2017 22:13

For all those saying you are being unreasonable my cousin was killed on Christmas Eve by a drunk driver. His father. He hit his head and had a massive internal bleed.

littleoysterslittleoysters · 17/01/2017 22:14

Please don't split up over this. Yes he has been a dick but it was thoughtless not evil. We all get things wrong, all fuck up, thats why the marriage vows say what they do I suppose! Your baby deserves to have the best chance at a family and you love this man.
There are lots of LTB obsessives on MN but there isn't a massive queue of perfect men out there for single women! If you have a man you love and this is his one error in 5 years I think you are doing okay.
Scare the shit out of him if you want drink driving is stupid and selfish in the extreme but don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Flisstizzy · 17/01/2017 22:14

You reckon 2 drinks sipped slowly is still ok to drive? I can't believe that that is acceptable to be honest. How can you say he was 45 mins away from being over the limit, based on what?? I think you both have a skewed idea of what is acceptable where this is concerned