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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH drink driving

183 replies

fryingpan · 17/01/2017 20:25

About 5 years ago, DH lost his driving license for drink driving, and I said to him that if he ever drove drunk again I would split up with him. He has been impeccably behaved since then.

Tonight he had 3.5 pints of average strength lager and then we ordered a takeaway. He went down to get it while I looked after the baby. I thought he had walked down but it turns out he drove. Half a mile round trip on a very quiet road - it's unlikely he'd pass another car at this time of the evening. He thought that because it was so close and he didn't feel drunk, and the weather was so awful, it would be okay.

He's staying here tonight as he obviously can't drive to a friend's, and he has to leave for work at 6am. I've told him that from tomorrow he can find somewhere else to stay.

I feel sick to my stomach. Aside from this, he's a wonderful husband and father.

What the hell should I do?

OP posts:

Rogue187 · 17/01/2017 22:14

Sorry to hear you have been put in this position .

In 2009 I was hit by a car while I was crossing the road. It turned out the driver was doing 50mph on a 30mph road and was 3 times over the drink drive limit. It totally turned my life upside down for a year and i was unable to look after my young son for 2 months.

Unfortunately I've met a lot of people that think they would be okay to drive after a few drinks but the possible consequences are just so not worth it.

If he's a good husband and father hopefully you can eventually work through this.

Bluntness100 · 17/01/2017 22:15

That does change it actually a little, as you're not in the uk. I don't know where you are but in many European countries it's not frowned upon like it is here. it's often a bit like it was here in the seventies when it wasn't seen as that bad.

I'd still kick him out for a few days though.

Poocatcherchampion · 17/01/2017 22:18

Do you live rurally op? That seems to change attitudes too.

AskBasil · 17/01/2017 22:21

Alcoholic isn't usually used anymore by those who work in the area of treating people with alcohol misuse problems, because it's too black and white - someone is either an alcoholic or they aren't.

Wheareas in reality, drinking behaviour is on a scale, with none at all on one end and completely out of control on the other and several stops in between. Your DH has a problem with alcohol. If he drinks beer every day, then that's a dependence and that's well on the way to being a problem.

Plus, he risked his licence and his marriage because he couldn't be arsed to walk. That shows a total lack of judgement. And either a lack of concern for his marriage, or a lack of respect for his wife's feelings and opinions. Either way, people saying it's just a small slip are massively minimising.

Original poster

fryingpan · 17/01/2017 22:22

flisstizzy, I think a big man having 2 drinks over 4 or 5 hours wouldn't put him over the legal limit. The 45 minutes thing was from an app that a pp pointed me to, and we've already established that it's not reliable. Don't let that stop you from having a go though

OP posts:

CountUpTo3 · 17/01/2017 22:23

I don't think you're over-reacting fryingpan, I think your OH has shown really bad judgement, and you're at a turning point in your relationship. Whether he's willing to accept it or not, he's the one who chose to threaten your marriage by not taking you seriously.

I know it's tough but if you back down now, and minimise the potential danger of the choice he made, he will do it again. Maybe next time it will 'just' be a lifetime ban, but it could be so much worse. His behaviour will be imposing a lifetime of worry on you.

If he cares for you and your family, he will do something radical to sort this out and win back your trust. It's a pain, but our rule is that the designated driver doesn't touch a drop of alcohol (mainly because I'm rubbish at sticking to just the one glass) - maybe that would work for you too?

Good luck, and stay strong!

Justaboy · 17/01/2017 22:23

3.5 pints of most any beer is enough to exceed the UK limit but we don't quite know where this is happening.

However you are in a very awkward situation with him now if you back down it'll give him the green light to do it again and it does seem as if he may have another issue with drink somewhere?

Is it possible you can get him on some sort of drink driving awareness counseling program if one exists where you live at all and make him attend as a condition of having him back at all?.

If my wife or partner did this drunk driving then they'd be hell to pay over the issue FWIW!.

seven201 · 17/01/2017 22:26

I don't think you should end your marriage over this but you do need him to get the message that it is not ok, ever. I think kick him out for a few day while you think things through. Hopefully he'll realise what an idiot he's been and you can both return to your happy marriage.

Original poster

fryingpan · 17/01/2017 22:27

Yup, we are in a rural area in Europe. Bluntness you are exactly right, it's like the UK in the 70s.I'm hoping it'll change soon

Basil, it really does show a massive lack of judgement. I have no idea, after 5 years of perfect judgement, what the hell possessed him to drive in that state.

OP posts:

littledinaco · 17/01/2017 22:31

His judgement and decision making are obviously very poor, especially as this has now happened twice (that you know of). I think you need to get him to address this as there are going to be similar situations and he needs to be able to make an appropriate decision that keeps him and others safe.

In a way, it's more worrying that he didn't try to hide it, he actually thought it was ok and not a problem. The reason he gave was also strange-bad weather, if anything, this would make driving even more dangerous.

I would be concerned that someone who seems to lack the ability to judge a situation safely could look after my DC appropriately.

MaryMargaret · 17/01/2017 22:32

Realise I cross-posted but I would say the same, and add that 'under the legal limit' is not the same as safe (as evidenced by the fact that different places have different legal limits - just avoiding prosecution is hardly the main thing, it's avoiding killing someone that's crucial). And doing an online calculator is definitely not the same as safe - please don't conflate the two, OP or anyone else.

No alcohol at all is safe, and really shouldn't be a problem.

KirstyJC · 17/01/2017 22:35

I wonder whether part of the problem is that he does sometimes have a couple of drinks and then drives because he is under the limit - ie it is acceptable to drink a little bit and then drive. If so then it means it is OK to drink and drive, just only a little bit. So when it's cold and dark and wet and he feels OK, well....it's just a little bit more than normal and so what difference is it really? Just a little bit more.....?

You should never plan to drive after a drink. Not even one, not even if you are well under the limit. That makes the whole 'drink then drive' thing acceptable in some instances - which could maybe blur the lines at other times. If you open a can - you don't drive until the next day. Full stop. No room for ambiguity then. We live rurally, and this is our rule. So much so that when we needed to take DS to hospital the other night, even though we were probably legally OK after a large glass of wine each, we didn't drive and we called a family member to collect us instead. Once it's OK after one glass it becomes easier to be OK after 2 or 3.

If you really don't want to kick him out, then suggest this and see what he says. His reaction to this should make it clear whether the drink is more of a problem than either of you think.

Audreyhelp · 17/01/2017 22:36

It was wrong and a stupid thing to do.
But to chuck in the marriage over this is mad.
Everyone deserves a chance keep an eye on the keys next time he starts drinking.

HerOtherHalf · 17/01/2017 22:38

That's the problem with making threats, when the time comes, if you can't or won't carry them out you end up embroiled in an emotional conflict of your own making. Forget about the threat, it didn't work, you need a better solution. Kicking him out won't stop him doing it again, it will probably make it more likely.

sj257 · 17/01/2017 22:41

I don't think I could let it slide because it's something I feel so strongly about and for someone I loved to do that would make me feel I didn't know them at all really...

MipMipMip · 17/01/2017 22:42

I want to thank you OP for being This Person. Drink driving has gone down because people have stood up and said it's not good enough, that even if you aren't caught there are consequences. Whatever you choose to do in the end you will be making him think twice. It's people like you who save lives.

Thank you and I hope whatever you decade doesn't hurt as much as expected.

justanotheryoungmother · 17/01/2017 22:42

I do understand why you're so upset, I would be too, but I think ending a marriage will be very painful and, in my opinion, not worth it. Maybe take his keys off him when he's had a drink?

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/01/2017 22:44

I had a friend killed by a drunk driver when I was in high school. I'm really very anti-drink driving and I totally understand why you issued an ultimatum, especially if you're in a place where there is next to no other social pressure to stop. But in an otherwise good marriage, one transgression in 5 years doesn't seem like enough to throw the whole thing away on.

So, despite the ultimatum I would encourage you to try to find another route. Not letting it go, but not insisting it has to lead to a break up. It may be that this is just the start to him drink driving every week and it may not, but I suspect you'll regret it if you don't try.

Maverickismywingman · 17/01/2017 22:47

It's a deal breaker for the OP. I think that's fair enough.

TBH, as someone who has been directly affected by drink driving, it almost tore my family apart.

OP, your DH is aware that there is risk of jail time and/or a fine?

In your shoes OP, I would have offered the same ultimatum. I think - let him stay at a friends then have a chat. If he drinks there is no way he should be driving. He needs to decide what one he needs to do more of a night unwinding.

SpringerS · 17/01/2017 22:58

To anyone saying she is over-reacting take 91 seconds to watch this. Not one of these people are actors.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/01/2017 23:02

Would all the 'ooh, don't leave him, think of your marriage vows!' people guilt-tripping the OP please read her post and notice that it's not 'one mistake'. She's had to deal with this problem before.

scottishdiem · 17/01/2017 23:12

One of the flaws of making anything deal breakers or making ultimatums is what happens if you dont follow through. If you dont leave or least seperate for a while then he will know you are not able to follow through on the threat.

I think those who are concentrating on how much he drank, when he drank it etc are missing the point. Its not about the alcohol (and no-one can diagnose with this level of info). Its about the relationship between the OP and her husband and their levels of trust and respect. The husband did not respect the OP enough to not drink drive and now the OP cannot trust him. That needs to be addressed one way or another due to the ultimatum made about this.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/01/2017 23:16

If drink driving is really a deal breaker for you and a previous ban is not enough for him, then I fail to see how you move forward from this. Your attitudes and expectations are miles apart.

PickAChew · 17/01/2017 23:25

3.5 pints is 7 or more units, even of weak as piss lager.

I've had 5 units, tonight (it's been a long day), and need to concentrate on typing, extra hard.

PickAChew · 17/01/2017 23:28

And I live fairly rurally. Plenty of JustEat options, here. No driving required.

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