DH drink driving

[fryingpan]

About 5 years ago, DH lost his driving license for drink driving, and I said to him that if he ever drove drunk again I would split up with him. He has been impeccably behaved since then.

Tonight he had 3.5 pints of average strength lager and then we ordered a takeaway. He went down to get it while I looked after the baby. I thought he had walked down but it turns out he drove. Half a mile round trip on a very quiet road - it's unlikely he'd pass another car at this time of the evening. He thought that because it was so close and he didn't feel drunk, and the weather was so awful, it would be okay.

He's staying here tonight as he obviously can't drive to a friend's, and he has to leave for work at 6am. I've told him that from tomorrow he can find somewhere else to stay.

I feel sick to my stomach. Aside from this, he's a wonderful husband and father.

What the hell should I do?

I don't like either of your attitudes to drinking and driving. He hasn't changed his attitude since his arrest towards drink driving, he has just started guesstimating when he'll be just under the legal limit and thus unlikely to be prosecuted and loose his licence and thus cause him and you inconvenience, well it seems he he can't even be fucked with a token degree of restraint and he's back to belting down there and a half pints and getting behind the wheel.

He was a drink driver when he was arrested and has continued to be a drink driver ever since. You've condoned it. You both need to look at yourselves. The only way I'd consider continuing a relationship would be if he's had any alcohol at all he doesn't get behind the wheel of a car. No exceptions.

I hope your children aren't picking up this complete indifference to other people's lives and when they start driving don't think, 'yeah it is okay to have a few, but try and make sure the law doesn't catch you.'

You've condoned it. You both need to look at yourselves.

Gilmartin The OP has done absolutely nothing wrong. She hasn't gotten into a car and driven after a few pints.

Nor has she condoned anything - first time she knows he has driven over the limit she has told him to get out.

Why does she need to look at herself - oh yes - because she is a woman and thus responsible for her man. Fuck that.

I really hope YOUR children aren't picking up your attitude that women and wives are responsible for everything that happens including their husbands' actions.

OP you are in a truly tricky and difficult situation and anyone on MN telling you there is a simple solution of LTB is not seeing the full picture of how people live their lives.

I am the last person to condone drink driving but like others I would hesitate to end my marriage over this - hesitate - not think it out of the question. And this does not mean I have nothing but sympathy and horror about the destruction wrecked by drunk drivers.

I do wonder if this was the first time he ever drove after a few drinks? It seems likely that since he was so blase about this incident, it wasn't the first.

You may go with your original thought of "that is it - I am finished with him" But if you are not, I suggest he must enroll in a class/program/something that deals with drunk driving because he is clearly not getting it. And I think you and he need someone to sit with you over a number of sessions to discuss this.

If you split up, then I don't think I would trust him with the baby on his own.

After all I couldn't trust him not to take baby in the car after a few drinks.

It'd be a deal breaker for me. I don't understand the thought process of "well it's been 5 years since he fucked up last time" or "love is about forgiveness" - the OP did forgive him, she forgave him the first time he showed no regard for the safety of anyone else on the road.

If he'd been convicted less than a year ago and drove drunk again people would be up in arms about his irresponsibility... For me the fact that it was 5 years wouldn't make a difference.

What was the consequence of the conviction? Was it a 'slap on the wrist' so he hasn't taken it seriously?

It'd be a deal breaker for me he'd have been out at the time of conviction.

I'm disgusted by drunk drivers, my sisters best friend at primary was killed by one outside school (a school run mum twice the limit pissed collecting her own kids, horrific situation)

A couple, friends of my parents were killed on their way home from visiting us for the weekend

My mums cousin is still suffering pain as a result of being hit by one as a child (over 50 years ago)

A friend lost her baby (she was 8.5 months pregnant) and her mum lost her leg. I've no sympathy for them it should be zero tolerance on drink driving and first time caught permanent ban. A driving licence is a privilege not a right.

for others who've suffered at the hands of such selfish dicks.

EveOnline2016 makes a good point, if he doesn't think his behaviour is a problem what's to stop him from driving with your child in the car.

I doubt very much this is his only transgressions in 3.5 years, he over estimates his capabilities while under the influence. His behaviour is only an issue now because you saw it, how many times do you think he 'didn't realise' before? It's a mindset, he can't control who was out at that time and he couldn't control a cat running out in front of him but he could but chose not to, walk or moderate his alcohol intake. He may not be an alcoholic but his attitude to his capabilities while under the influence is a problem. He's an adult, you can't babysit or parent him but you can say this is where I draw the line.

His attitude needs to be challenged and your mitigation of his behaviour is part of the problem because you perpetuate his excuses by accepting them.

If he's such a wonderful H then he won't want to risk his marriage to drink and drive.

It's not the alcohol... It's his relationship with it....

He's just not taking DD seriously is he? .. All this ' it wasn't very far/it was raining' etc...
I'm sure the people who were driving in graphista's post would say similarly...
They probably would say it wasn't 'intentional'.?

He's proved again and again that he can't be trusted to not drive when he's drunk.

I wouldn't throw him out... But I would insist on a zero alcohol policy if he's intending driving.. As in NO alcohol at all... Yes it's a pain... But better than killing /seriously injuring someone due to selfishness..

I gave been close to a family tragically affected by a DD death... Nothing makes me want to go through that..

I don't drink anything if I'm driving... It's just too risky

Iamthedevilsavocado

The mum who killed the little girl was an alcoholic.

The person who hit my parents friends was driving the morning after the night before, he thought he was 'safe' as in under the limit, he wasn't.

The person who hit mums cousin had been drinking at lunchtime and thought the food 'soaked it up'.

The one who hit my friend that lost her baby was a little shit who didn't care - was also high and was racing his friend along a notorious road (friend also drunk and high also convicted) and had been convicted previously too, but the sentencing was woefully inadequate - not even custodial. Left court smiling.

I don't know stats on those convicted how much over limit they are etc but I know numerous studies by various driving safety organisations have shown repeatedly that the smallest amount affects judgment, response times etc.

Plus if the law was simply zero tolerance people couldn't minimise by saying things like 'I can handle my drink' 'I only had a couple' 'I didn't think I was over the limit' there's no grey area then.

I'm in Scotland where the 'limit' has been put lower than England and Wales I believe it has been successful in reducing the amount of people that choose to drink and drive.

Ha just to explain not my friend that was also drunk and high but his (the driver who hit my friend)

I'm so sorry to everyone who has been affected by drunk drivers

He's gone now. He sent me a long apology, the gist of which is that he won't ask for forgiveness as he knows he did something unforgivable, and that he needs to re-examine his relationship with alcohol as he can't lapse back into drink driving.

because she is a woman and thus responsible for her man. Fuck that.

I really hope YOUR children aren't picking up your attitude that women and wives are responsible for everything that happens including their husbands' actions.

What utter bollocks.

Where did I say she was responsible for him drinking and driving? I said both of their attitudes towards drink driving stink.

Whilst the op's idiot husband bears total responsibility for his actions, both he and the the op has a very caviller attitude to drink driving 'oh he's okay, just so long as he's probably/possibly under the limit' and has considered this evidence of him being 'reformed' and going five years without a slip up.

He is responsible for his actions, they are both responsible for her views, which will influence their children's thinking on the topic.

OP, im so sorry that your otherwise lovely DP has an issue with alcohol. I hope he manages to resolve the issue for the sake of your family. I genuinely don't know what I would do , as I read you have a young child. Chin up x

That's very good news, OP. He's taking it very seriously which is so important.

Thanks xStefx. The whole situation is just a million times harder emotionally now there's a child involved.

Gil, please could you tell me what an appropriate attitude towards the consumption of alcohol would be? I really don't think a large man (he weighs over 15 stone) having two drinks within a four or five hour period is all that bad. It certainly isn't sailing anywhere close to the wind as far as the legal limit is concerned. And do you have children? I really hope they haven't picked up your judgemental, preaching, aggressive personality.

Thanks Prawn, yes he does seem to be. It's not going to get him off the hook though

Its not two drinks - thought you said 3.5 pints? My DH is a big bloke but there's no way he would drive after sinking 3.5 pints over a couple of hours.

Remember actions speaker louder than words. Much easier to say the right words than to do the actual hard work of exploring and resolving his issues.

3.5 pints is at least 7 units - half of the recommended weekly alcohol consumption for an adult male :/

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mamia, she was referring to his usual behaviours rather than this one-off situation. When we go out, he'll normally have two drinks over the course of the evening. I think that's okay. PP thinks it's appalling and a reckless law-breaking attitude. You're quite right that no-one should drive after 3.5 pints, and that's the reason why his doing it upset me enough to throw him out and post on here.

And I have to give him another chance if he wants to put words into actions. I'm not sure I want to risk it.

How do you know he hasn't drunk driven on other occasions? ie. when you aren't there to know?

Two drinks on a night out and he would drive home? I don't agree with that

The thing is - it's only even possible for you to think of giving him another chance because he didn't hit anyone and kill them. His behaviour - the decision he made - is exactly the same as it would have been had he gone out and hit someone. What he did is the same.

If you let him back at all, don't let him back too soon.

And why do you accept that he should drive after "one or two"? There's no need for it. Alcohol isn't an essential.

OP, WHY do you have to give him ANOTHER chance? You were very clear after his conviction that if he ever drunk drove again, you'd split up with him. He had his chance. He chose to blow it. He chose to drink and drive over his marriage to you. That may sound very black and white, and some will disagree, but in effect that's what he did. And I'm afraid if he was so blase about it, the likelihood that this is the first time since that conviction is, I'm afraid, unlikely.

You gave him a very clear position. He chose to ignore it. You have to carry out your warning, otherwise he will do it again, maybe not this year, maybe not next year, but he will - because you will have basically shown him you didn't mean it and that it isn't really that important after all.

A PP said "love means forgiveness". I wonder if the OP would have forgiven her husband if their child had been in the car and the child was injured or, God forbid, killed, or he killed someone else? I doubt it.

I wouldn't throw away the marriage for a stupid unthinking mistake

The thing is it took quite a bit of thinking. He thought about walking and decided not to. He thought about how much he'd had to drink and decided it would be OK . He thought about the distance and decided it wasn't far so would be OK .

It was far from an 'unthinking mistake'.

I'm with Northern. The police should be informed. He could have killed have killed or seriously maimed someone.

Gil, please could you tell me what an appropriate attitude towards the consumption of alcohol would be? I really don't think a large man (he weighs over 15 stone)

That you don't get behind the wheel of a car if you've had a drink. No exceptions.