How the heck do working mums manage this?!

[LosAngeles444]

Returned to work after maternity leave, DS 6 months old. DH works longer hours so I'm responsible for the nursery drop off and pick up. Morning, I drive DS to nursery, drive back home to park the car, walk 10 mins to train station to get into work. Have to leave work at 4pm to pick up DS from nursery.

Only just started this new routine and already knackered! How the heck do mums manage this? Aibu for thinking this is unsustainable and you just burn out at some point? I've only got one DS so know I can't really complain but it's already damn tough. How do you do it?

You just do it!

I'm a single mum to 4 have have been for 8 years

I do everything, all school runs, drop off pick ups to gym, rugby, dance, brownies, netball not to mention parents evening, school plays, awards nights, competition etc etc

I also a self employed cleaner and clean 3 full days a week

You just do it because it's life and you have to, you will get used to it

I never understand why people say it's easier when they are older..from an emotional perspective, I think it only gets harder, not the other way around. I worked ft with my first child, and like you are experiencing op, it was a real shock to the system. I dropped baby off at 7.30 and usually arrived home 12 hours later. In the respect my life barely changed..I just get to see much of my child. As she got older and started school, this became a massive problem. She didn't want me earning my nice pay packet..she wanted me. She wanted to do normal things like come home to her own house or bring a play date home for tea. Things I just couldn't do. So I switched to pt and ended up being called in more and more..nothing changed much but the pay packet..so in a spur of the moment reality check one day..I jacked it all in. Enough was enough. And 7 years on I'm so glad I did.

I split it equally with DH.

Welcome to the world of the working parent...... although it does get easier as they get older......... and go to school.........

I have 5 and no car. You just have to get on with it.

Oh and no husband....you will get used to it OP

Not sure. DH does these things.

He works PT, primarily from home.

We hired help.

And have less sex. And less sleep.

Hi. I was forced to go back to work 8 to 17 5 days a week every other Saturday when DD was 4 months old by my ex. Even though he earned enough to support us. Killed me emotionally. Put up with it until I wanted another and he didn't. Worked until second DB was born (different partner) 4 years later. I used to buy lots of quick cook veg and meat. Clothes out pm for us all. I even did all housework am. Got up early to vacuum etc. Haven't gone back to work yet and DD is 13 now and brother 9. No holidays or x boxes etc. Clothes only bought as necessary ie uniform. Children save for what they want or get for birthdays. Just break even every month. Cut your cloth to suit.

Did you not discuss this at all with DP when you decide to have children? And you said, sure, I'll do it all?

See, when I hear men can't do it, I'm a bit . My friend always moans, but then when I say get DP to do a drop off she says he can't possibly, he's a Director. So I say, well he's well paid, hire in some more help. Then I say, can't he set a precedent and say he has to do it, what of you died tomorrow? Then she says its a very made environment and wouldn't be acceptable.

You can't be working crazy hours with children and not wonder where it all might fall apart or fall on your partner and she falls apart. What does your DP do? Those hours are crazy. Is he so senior he can ask to change hours? Can he change jobs? There has to be some give surely.
What about changing childcare, you might find a childminder with more flexible hours.

It does get easier especially when they start sleeping through, no idea how I coped in my sleep deprived state!

My situation of DH doing am and me doing pm wouldn't work for you. You need to find a nursery nearer to your work so that you're not doing such a crazy day.

Very few people have thus far mentioned getting yourself a local parents' network. If you don't have family nearby, people in a similar position to you but with slightly different working patterns could be mutually helpful. For example could someone who works at home one day a week do the drop off/pick up for you in return for some evening or even overnight babysitting at the weekend? You'll need to work your contacts, friends and neighbours to find someone though.
Or find a local childminder as well as/instead of nursery: bit more flexibility and/or could do wraparound care?

It is very hard. Commuting is awful but everyone else is also right: you're having to adjust your expectations of work alongside parenting; your DP is going to need to do the same if you're going to stay sane.

I used to get myself and 3 mth DD up at 6am to take DH to work for 7am, his work was 12 miles away. Then back home, get us both washed and dressed then drive to city centre and drop dd at nursery at 8.45. Into the office for 9. Leave at 5pm toget DD from nursery then drive the 20 miles to get DH from work at 6.30pm thenhome and collapse. If I was lucky...

I'm a single mum so I am very all or nothing, and have the space when dd is with her dad to go to yoga, prepare for the next few days, shop etc. This is what has worked for me.

Be organised, have routines, sort out everything the night before.

Choose convenience wherever possible.

Put your own health, wellbeing, state of mind first - no point in being so stressed out you get sick. So that means taking time for yourself, sleeping (early nights if that is the only way), lowering your standards, enjoying all of the little moments and picking your battles.

I work a 4 day week with a wednesday off, so have quality time with dd and am not rush, rush, rush, hurry, hurry, hurry in the way that I am the days I work. I am very grateful I can do this.

The last thing you should contemplate if you have a dh who doesn't pull his weight is giving up work. I did and it just made him lazier and more entitled and I felt like an employee - the nanny/housekeeper. Being a working single mother and the stress that entails is far preferable.

You need to get your dh to change his hours so that he can either do drop offs or pick ups and you do the other.
Our nursery is 7-7 which is enormously helpful.

Yours is exactly the same as mine when I went back to work and put DS (6 months old) with a childminder.

• It does get easier because you get used to it.
• I used to unashamedly snooze on the train going to and from work, which made a huge difference
• at w/e DH and I tag-teamed so we could each catch up on sleep.

It really isn't that terrible once you get used to it. :)

I did the nursery drop off/pick ups and dh the school (logistics). Now, they are both in school I really appreciate being able to just leave and go to work in the morning.

So, yes I echo everyone else. It's not fair that it's all on you.

It does get easier. At the moment it's still a massive change to what went before. But you do settle in to it. My son is now 5 and at school, but my routine is similar as I drive him to drop off at breakfast club, then drive home to park the car before going on to work. I just do it without really thinking about it now, it's a well rehearsed routine.

Personally I don't think that a partner changing their routine necessarily makes it easier. If my husband is doing drop offs or pick ups it throws me out and I actually find it harder. And for me, he arrives home at 7pm just in time to do bedtime, which is then my time to sit down and catch 5 minutes peace. It can't be helped if one parent can't do drop offs and pick ups, but obviously they do need to shoulder some of the other tasks to achieve balance.

And the tiredness does get better too. I'm assuming that your child still wakes in the night? Either this will get better, or you'll get better at dealing with it. The above mentioned 5 year old still rarely sleeps through, but I've adapted to hat now too.

You're always up-skilling as a parent. This will become second nature (and then there will be other challenges)

Agree with Antigrinch.

There's no way you should be carrying all of this on your own, life changed for both of you when you had this baby, you are not the default parent.

I had a 1.5 hr commute when I went back after my 1st. I found a new job, shorter commute, flexible workplace & better paid - if it hadn't been so hard I'd never have had the impetus to leave.

I haven't read all the replies OP however I have sympathy for you.

I've been saying to DH for years (I'm older than you) that I don't understand how women can do this.

There is so much (relatively speaking) money in the UK, yet our lifestyle has deteriorated so much.

We are going backwards.

Oh and un-mumsnet like hugs to you, it's bloody hard and sometimes people forget that and like to tell you how hard they had it. Not very helpful.

~ Take it in turns with your DH to have at least one lie in each weekend.
~ Ensure your DH does his share at weekends if he is not able to during the week.
~ Keep muttering 'this too will pass' on those days when it really seems too much and you are physically weak with exhaustion
~Do whatever to survive e.g. let household standards slip, hire a cleaner, eat quick and simple scrambled egg type food
~ Redefine/simplify goals - e.g. instead of constantly worrying that you are not doing anything well enough, when you go to bed take time to feel immensely proud that everyone in the house has gone to bed fed, clean and alive!
~13 years later when your DS is a grunting 6ft teen eating you out of house and home, reminisce fondly about the baby/toddler years when your weekly grocery shop was still well below the GDP of a small African nation. Revel in the smugness that you kept your career going during the gruelling early years such that you are now able to comfortably afford the weekly shop ££ plus whatever else having both parents working means for your family's lifestyle.

Try it as a lone parent with 2 children under the age of 2. Knackering!

I gave up work 9 months after returning from maternity leave. We were spending 3 hours a day travelling to/from nursery/commute and the children's days were so long. We were stuffing breakfast down them, rushing out the door, then hurrying to bathe and put to bed as soon as we got through the door in the evening. Decided it wasn't worth the money with me working to miss this precious time with them before they start school.

Bath/shower at night, clothes set out/bag packed. Your DH can do this. Quick cook meals, cleaner. We split morning and afternoon drop offs although realise not an option for you. Can your DH wfh one day a week or adjust hours so he can do drop off one day? Otherwise find your favourite drink and stock up! It does get easier though