How the heck do working mums manage this?!

[LosAngeles444]

Returned to work after maternity leave, DS 6 months old. DH works longer hours so I'm responsible for the nursery drop off and pick up. Morning, I drive DS to nursery, drive back home to park the car, walk 10 mins to train station to get into work. Have to leave work at 4pm to pick up DS from nursery.

Only just started this new routine and already knackered! How the heck do mums manage this? Aibu for thinking this is unsustainable and you just burn out at some point? I've only got one DS so know I can't really complain but it's already damn tough. How do you do it?

It's no different for a working mum as it is for a working dad. We have both always worked ft and manage.

We have a 2 yr old dd and I work 4 days and dh works full time but can based all over the country.

I'm ruthlessly organised.

Dh does drop offs as it's on his way to work where he can't it's fil who picks dd up.

I cover housy things

On Sundays activity bags are packed for the week, swimming, dancing, gymnastics and put in a plastic box so I'm not hunting for a ballet slipper the morning of her class.

I write and stick to a menu and prep ahead where I can don't be ashamed to have a convient meal now and again (jarred sauce and microwave rice)

We have a couple of jobs each to do each night to keep on top of house work as we don't have a cleaner.

We also have a magnetic "battle board" in the kitchen where we jot things down as we run out, have a copy of the weekly menu, key dates for the month - dental appointments etc, my dhs whereabouts in the country etc

haven't rtft but personally if there is any way to cope financially I would always choose PT over FT. I would go bonkers trying to do FT and never see the kids. Too stressful - life is too short to feel constantly in a rush.

It's really tough isn't it! But at least the bits when you're at work equal a bit of a break when you get to have loo breaks and coffee breaks! I found returning to work totally blew my mind, because suddenly I was doing the same job I did before but with all the extra things to juggle around it. Getting ready in the mornings is carnage. It does get a bit easier x

You get used to it. Prepare everything you can the night before. I found it hard when dc1 was a baby, but its all just normal now.

Not read the whole thread but thought I would offer what I have learnt as i have done all the childcare as DH works away:

1. Having one child is easier than corralling more.
2. An earlier get up to play with your child is better than keeping them up in the evening so you get to play with them and they'll be more perky in the morning.
3. When they're babies, get yourself up and dressed and ready, then them up.
4. When they're older get them ready and breakfasted then plonked in front of toys/tv while you get dressed.
5. Always get them washed fully dressed, hair and teeth done before you go downstairs/into living area.
6. Always use a bib because see point 5.
7. Find a nursery/childminder where you don't have to fartarse around with taking food in.
8. Find a nursery/childminder where they have a named storage box for you to fling spare clothes and nappies etc in so you don't have to faff about with a bag every day.
9. Throw out the old lovely maternity leave evening routine of bath, reading, lullabies etc. Bath only a couple of time a week and save it for the nights you have more time.

10. Your baby will fall asleep on the way home from nursery and its shit that you get to spend no time with them. Sleep is actually more important though and see point 2. 11. Eat your main meal at lunchtime.

Oh I forgot, I got a gardener, a dog walker and a cleaner. I shopped for food in my lunch break or at weekends.

So yeah, nobody mentioned this when you made the baby did they :-)

It's about being super organised and making sure you make life as easy as you can for yourself (within your means of course)
If you can afford one, get a cleaner, ironing lady (husband)
Rope in grandparents where possible so you can have some downtime and some married-couple time because if that goes out the window, it all does.
Get a slow cooker, cook ahead, etc. - it's a ballache but it really does help.

More importantly - don't give a fuck. I mean that, dont give a fuck. You need to learn that as soon as possible because the more children you have, the less fucks you are going to need to give, especially when they start school and the admin gets even worse.

So what I mean is, pick your battles. If you used to straighten your hair each morning, stop. Your hair looks fine. If you need to provide a birthday cake or some other domestic goddess thing, fake it. The kids dont care and you work to hard to come home and slave over a homemade peppa pig cake. Don't get wrapped up in doing things you think you should be doing - do what you WANT and what makes you HAPPY.

hang in there OP

Does get easier but takes a while. I did this for both for my 6 month and 23 month old at the time. Bloody hard, travelling into london and back everyday, go back for pick up etc. OH away a lot. If you are not sleep deprived count your blessings, that was my biggest killer for the first 3 years ugh, so much so I used to go and sleep in the work toilets in my lunch break. Lovely.

Wish I could think of one piece of good advice, you will find your own way and what works best, Biblewanda has some good straightforward advice. Organising the simplest of tasks makes all the difference.

Preparation is vital. I work and have 2 at school and 1 at nursery and I have to be so planned or it all falls apart. I do the fruit snacks and clothes for the week on a Sunday night so I can grab and go, I have a childminder 2 days a week and I have to make sure she's on top of things. It's bloody hard work and why I drink gin.

Kevin and Goldilocks spot on

I have now become the I dont give a F person for the first time in my life since having kids, and it's actually wonderful as it extends to everything I do now, within reason.. I don't worry at all about all the silly things that i used to sit up and worry about, so irrelevant in life.

Is there any way your DH can ask for some leaway at work to share the burden ? HR departments have to consider legitimate requests. It might be for one or two days but it isn't right the onus is on the female all the time. If this isn't possible then maybe your work could be more flexible ? Although it does get easier as the routines become second nature.

I have not RTFT but it's really tough sometimes. Figure out what works best for your family and what is most value for your money and available time. I'm a single mum who works full time with a 1.25 hour commute each way. DS1 is 7 and at school, DS2 is 3 and at nursery. I have a childminder who comes to my house at 7.30am and does the nursery/school run for me. I couldn't do my job otherwise. I walk out the door at 7.35am. On Monday's my lovely childminder picks them up and brings them home to hang out. Tuesday to Friday it's either me or the ex who collects. I work from home one day a week and have a very flexible start and finish time (public sector). I know I extremely lucky. I have a cleaner and have organised a gardener for the coming summer in order to maximise what time I do have. Ditto the bath advice - twice a week if necessary. Meal plan and use online food shopping if you can. Easier to not run out of milk that way! Sort out monthly auto delivery of nappies, wipes, vitamins and anything else you use all the time. I use Amazon but lots of companies can do this. Cook easy things - fresh pasta takes 5 minutes to cook and if you make a sauce then freeze it/ use bought then dinner can be on the table in 15. Scrambled eggs with spinach and cut up tomatoes is easy too or a slow cooker if that's your thing. I find vegetarian meals on a weeknight quicker and easier. Embrace microwave 2 minute rice. Mostly - forget what everyone else thinks you 'should' be doing and work out what is right for you, your DP and baby. Trial and error and you'll get there.

And no one has mentioned when they start school - that really is a whole new challenge.... sorry unnecessary that's an age off for you yet.
I agree with most above , it's a massive shock to the system after mat leave but you will get used to your new routine. The only thing I found was I was constantly on the clock, always rushing about. But you'll get there ...

Also Kevin and Goldilocks absolutely bang on!

Twins at 22 months old. Both of us work full time
Constantly knackered
But being organised helps and who cares about a little dust ....

Dh does one day a week of school drop off and pick up to save my sanity and allow me one night a week that I can work a bit late if I need to make up time (from attending assemblies etc). I have 3 dc and had a period of school and nursery drop offs and pick ups with work in between. I'm just grateful they're in one place now! We also have a cleaner!

Lots of good advice. Mine is to look at a daycare that provides food and is as close as possible to your home or work. Since you take the train in see if you can find a daycare on your walk to the train station. If you can pick one that is open until 7pm go with that so your DH can do pick up.

My username is a pointer of the exact same issues I had when I was pregnant with my first. I gave up before I started. Three kids later you adapt, hire more help and accept lower standards. DH travels a lot for work and thank heavens I live in an urban area in America. Laundry is 80c/lb so all the kids stuff goes to them and comes back folded when he is away. I am too cheap to do it full time.

You also need to push your dH to do his fair share. Throw the baby at him and leave. Did it with my DH who was too important/busy and I was doing everything. I disappeared and no one died. Accept that he will care for your DC differently than you. Let him get on with it. He will learn just like we all have.

Also, do not lose sight of the fact that you are important. Don't put yourself last.

Don't allow your husband to treat you like a single parent. Men can be really good at putting themselves and their careers ahead of their partners even after they have kids. He is not the senior partner in your relationship and he needs to share the responsibility for looking after your child.

1. Acknowledge that it is hard. This means that there is nothing wrong with you for finding it hard. Actually you are doing brilliantly. You are a hero.

1. Things need to change for your DH too. If you absorb all the work associated with the child and the childcare, etc, you may misguidedly think that you are doing your relationship a favour. YOU ARE NOT. You can't take all this on and stay the same person. this WILL have a knock on effect on the man who loves you. (I hope he does.) So you have to sit down as a couple and CHOOSE the effects on him (and you) of having a child. Either he chooses to switch some hours around and support the household practically, as well as doing his WOH job; or he is complicit in gradually destroying his DW and and this WILL take an effect on him which he will not like.

1. If you can't effectively have that conversation then start thinking about your exit plan. I'm serious. Really fucking serious. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR JOB because you're strung out because your husband won't help and thinks you should find all this easy. You may want to leave him instead and you will need the job. Or he may leave you because you are so exhausted and resentful you are no fun any more.

1. If you can afford holidays, plan holidays which are genuinely restful. Do not just book some cottage somewhere and then find you are waking up at 6 am and trying to entertain a toddler in a house with no toys. If you can, think medium term about how to get a weekend away without the baby. Or just take a day off while the baby is in childcare and have a rest.

1. ocado.

1. do not neglect your health. If you have or had an exercise habit, don't drop it because you "no longer have time". When negotiating with your husband over this new regime, that needs to get built in.

You just get used to it. The worst bit for me was working full time, being pregnant and having a young baby. I went back to work when DS1 was 4 and a half months old - there are only 13 month between my two so I spent the next 8 and a half months dropping and picking up from the childminder by foot and then getting the bus to and from work, coming home and having to sort out everything for the next day and feed DS, bath and bed DS. Sometimes DH would be on late shifts and would do the childminder drop off but then I'd have the entire evening shift at home to do myself.

It's hard OP but it does get better.

You will manage. My DD is 3 and In nursery full times, my DH also works shifts away from home (1-2hr commute) so I'm responsible for everything and have an hour commute myself. I make sure I plop in front of Netflix in the evening and try and chill out and I agree with others - get a cleaner. There is no easy answer except you get used to it and the sleep deprivation. I arrive at work and need a sleep but manage on coffee apparently. Good luck

It's hard, hard, hard. Full time since DD was 6months old. Wonderful, wonderful childcare from grandparents made it easier, but 8 years later I'm still constantly knackered and wish every day I could be a SAHM. The value I placed on my career took a massive nosedive when DD was born and I'd still rather be around for the drop off and pick up. I think accept you'll feel guilty and tired for the next century and do less ironing

I've kept this up for 13 years now but I work 4 days a week and 1 of those is from home. DH works very long hours, usually 6-8. So I do all drop offs and pick ups. Now children are older working out how to get them to & from clubs is difficult. I'm at the swimming pool at the moment, collect DD from childminders 5:45, swimming lesson 6pm. At least my eldest can now be left home alone! It's doable until someone gets ill, when the wheels fall off the Milk household. I would find FT hard, I do tons on Fridays that make weekends much more fun - cooking, cleaning, shopping, present buying (helps at Christmas), get cars MOT and service, organise holidays and admin, gardening. And it means I see a bit more of the DC and can go to a few school things.