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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How the heck do working mums manage this?!

432 replies

LosAngeles444 · 17/01/2017 16:45

Returned to work after maternity leave, DS 6 months old. DH works longer hours so I'm responsible for the nursery drop off and pick up. Morning, I drive DS to nursery, drive back home to park the car, walk 10 mins to train station to get into work. Have to leave work at 4pm to pick up DS from nursery.

Only just started this new routine and already knackered! How the heck do mums manage this? Aibu for thinking this is unsustainable and you just burn out at some point? I've only got one DS so know I can't really complain but it's already damn tough. How do you do it?

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 18/01/2017 21:51

Most women I know don't actually manage a full-time demanding job, commute several hours, have three kids at the same time without much help, with a full-time partner doing the same. The ones I know a) have one child and work demanding hours commuting b) have a dad who stays at home or works from home or does part time c) a lot of family help d) work part-time, I have lots of friends who work four days, three days, two days e) get a nanny who does wrap around care.

I just don't think sometimes the lifestyles represented on MN are typical of most women. We know 50% work part time for a start, and some of those working full-time will be a primary earner, so their partners can help out. Yes there are some super-women out there, and many of the women I know are great at juggling, but in general, those I know have shifted things over the years as it's extremely difficult to live this lifestyle, have several kids, have no family/paid help and so on. I'm not saying no-one can do it, clearly some can and some have to, but there really are casualties along the way and it isn't sustainable for a lot of people to live with this type of physical and emotional toll for years.

I work full time in a demanding job but with a short commute, and that's made the biggest difference to me in terms of being able to function long-term.

garlicandsapphire · 18/01/2017 21:53

Managed it. Used to work 4 days a week doing this but I had a range of arrangements over the years - nanny share, managed to get a nursery rota with another family, later had an au pair and then for the last 10 years been working full time - I haven't had any childcare at all for 2 years now. The benefit now as my kids are in their teens? I have a great career that will see me through when they've left home.

monstiebags · 18/01/2017 22:06

Your child spends their waking life at nursery it must cost a fortune.
Why don't you just stay at home instead - it's probably more tiring but surely would be better for you and your child

TooBusy4TV · 18/01/2017 22:16

Tough times really. When my first son was 2 years old i was a single mum working full time getting trains into the city. I would collect him from the childminder about 6:15pm and he would be asleep before we got home. Having not spoken to him all day i would put him into bed and have a cry.

Kiwiinkits · 18/01/2017 22:18

Why don't you just stay at home instead

--> because in four years time she'll be wishing like hell that she'd hung on to her career, as she trolls through the job ads trying to find a job, any job, that fits into 'school hours' (here's a hint: they don't exist, and if they do, they'll be paying you half what you earn now)

--> because her husband and kids will start taking her non-paid labour for granted

--> because she might need the extra money working provides

--> because her husband is equally able to stay at home and do the drudge of laundry, bum wiping and unpacking the dishwasher

--> because her child likes nursery

--> because working provides stimulation and non-monetary reward

--> etc

(sorry, I took the bait. As you were folks).

Kiwiinkits · 18/01/2017 22:19

Toobusy4TV that's sad. That's NOT the way it should be.

SubordinateThatClause · 18/01/2017 22:21

It does get easier and you will establish your own routines etc. If someone had told me 10 years ago that I'd be working full time as a single parent of two with no local family support, I think I'd have upped and offed to Timbuktu!!

SubordinateThatClause · 18/01/2017 22:24

Biting my tongue at the 'hire a nanny' and 'get a cleaner' comments... if only my pay packet stretched THAT far.

TooBusy4TV · 18/01/2017 22:30

Kiwi long time ago now but it was hard. My son is 18 now and a total joy. Sweetest young man you could meet x

Tigresswoods · 18/01/2017 22:31

You get super organised as others have suggested. The one thing that's changed my life is the online shop.
I paid £60 to Sainsbury's and can get shopping delivered free any time so long as basket is over £40.
We usually get it regularly on a Friday & I top up if necessary.

Honestly it's a total life saver & I never would have believed it before.

minisausage · 18/01/2017 22:35

Is there a nursery closer to your work?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 18/01/2017 22:39

You need a live in nanny or get boss to start nursery at work
I picked a nursery closest to my work but it is a rush and stress sometimes

StripeyCover · 18/01/2017 22:39

most mothers who manage the juggling

  • have a supporitve partner
  • supportive family e.g. who babysit
  • a supportive employer e.g. family-friendly hours
  • enough money
  • good health
  • maybe a cleaner or other help
  • easy children (no illnesses or SNs)
  • low standards

and so on!

I (personally) think most women work way too hard and its sort of become weirdly competitive!

Delatron · 18/01/2017 22:46

It has become weirdly competitive! All this 'lean in' business. If you can make it work, fantastic but many women are running themselves ragged with the culminating health issues as they have no time to exercise of time for themselves.

Men would never be having this conversation..

midsummabreak · 18/01/2017 22:49

Very true Delatron I am currently rethinking my full time job, as I have a youngest DS who is seeing opthamologist weekly, and now ear, nose throat specialist this week, all while we are on holidays. And he had kept his symptoms quietly to himself as did not want to upset busy full time working mum and dad :(

unlucky83 · 18/01/2017 22:52

I agree with getting a nursery who does all the food - mine did . I would have hated having to sort that out. (I just had to sort out milk when she was really wee - at nursery she had a mix of formula and expressed bm ( I wasn't very good at it ) and I had to take the bottles in ready)
Lots of people saying get a nursery nearer to your work...whilst it is handy if they are ill etc and you don't have to leave work as early -I wouldn't. I would look at one on the way to your train - slightly less faff in the morning.
But at the moment you have however long you are on the train as time to think - plan your day - get your brain into work mode...or do small admin things...read - fiction for pleasure!- or snooze- or just daydream...a tiny bit of head space... and with no guilt - you can't be doing anything else...like washing or playing with DC or something for work - you are 'stuck' on a train!

AGuiltyConscience · 18/01/2017 23:05

Hi OP,
It is tough but it gets easier as you settle into a routine.

  1. nursery run sounds like a feck. Can you find alternative childcare on way to station?
  2. can you work part-time? I did 3 days a week until DD was 2. Gave me a chance to breathe.
  3. failing part-time can you work from home one day a week? This is a life-saver for me.
  4. can your DP change his working hours to help with nursery run? All employers have to consider a flexible working request and I do think we let our men and employers off the hook too easily!
LaPampa · 18/01/2017 23:12

I think the best advice is you will get used to it. My husband and I both work full time, have an hours commute into central London and 2 kids, one school one nursery. I've just gone back after mat leave and finding the commute exhausting but it was like this last time and I got used to it. We are not uber organised, don't meal plan and don't lay out clothes the night before. We manage though and even at times dare I say it, enjoy it.

mumindoghouse · 18/01/2017 23:16

Repeat to yourself: This too will pass.
You've reminded me how often I used to say it, and what a comfort it was.
And you are not the only one so don't feel alone.
And it definitely does get easier... Before you know it DC at high school and independent.
And be kind to yourself at every opportunity.
Big hug. You will be ok.

Londonmamabychance · 18/01/2017 23:23

It gets easier with time! Vividly remember the first weeks back at work after maternity leave, thought I'd never make it, but once you're in a routine and learn a few tricks and short cuts, it's not so bad.

foxyloxy78 · 18/01/2017 23:25

What do you do for work OP? Have you tried to find something closer to home?

AntiGrinch · 18/01/2017 23:46

"I (personally) think most women work way too hard and its sort of become weirdly competitive!"

I agree that many of us are sustaining unsustainable lives, but it isn't though choice, through the determination to compete.
This family needs my salary so I have to work full time.
And the stuff at home that I do isn't going to get done by anyone else.

If I could afford to take 20% less money home (in theory perhaps I could have done before ex left, although he was such a spendthrift I didn't feel in control enough to think seriously about it) - it would be really hard to arrange cutting the work load in proportion. We all know women who lose a day at work get a salary cut without losing any of the workload.

If I had looked for a more junior, local job to cut the stress - AND had been lucky enough to find one - I would have found myself in a situation which is likely to be more stressful, as working junior roles with little autonomy is more annoying and difficult than just getting the hell on with a senior job, especially as you can't even think of the money (without getting annoyed. "I just had one of the nastiest days of my life for a really paltry amount of money."

It's really tough. I don't think the issue is that women want to work so hard; I think the issue is that work life balance is kind of out of our hands in many cases.

Fruitbat1980 · 19/01/2017 00:03

I have absolutely no bloody idea. I'm two years in. I am permanently exhausted. I am constantly wound up with guilt. Bad mother. Bad wife. Bad employee. It's a fucking nightmare. Sorry. Not helpful but good to get it of my chest. Yanbu. Yana. (You are NOT alone)

MrsMac74 · 19/01/2017 00:24

Can any of the nursery staff take him in or take him home for you? We used some of the staff who lived nearby. Or hire someone independent to help with drop off and pick up.

HandsFaceTeeth · 19/01/2017 00:40

Unhelpful comment, Twitterqueen! Yes, you've pointed out you have 3 kids, and bloody well done you for coping. But that's not the issue here! LA looking for advice, and a bit of empathy.
LA, you'll get there. It's knackering. No advice to offer that hasn't been said here already. Good luck. X