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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:
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5
rookiemere · 17/01/2017 17:33

You tell her and FIL (and your DH if necessary) that you're going to lose your job if you keep on spending time away from it.
Can you sit everyone down together and tell them this and explain that this is why you are changing the locks and getting a door chain.

It does sound as if she has some sort of unaddressed MH issue but this is not yours to sort.

Bluntness100 · 17/01/2017 17:34

What ever possessed you to buy a house four doors away from the in laws? Seriously, I would move. That's never going to stop, four doors is just too close.

Mrsmadevans · 17/01/2017 17:35

I think she has a lot of mental health issues . It sounds like she has food addiction and/or binge eating disorder , this is just horrendous for her and she is living in total denial. I realise this is not making things easy for you but it may well help you see things differently if you see that she really does have an eating disorder my dear good luck

SenseiWoo · 17/01/2017 17:39

Don't get pulled into any discussion that is effectively challenging you to solver her problems or manage her feelings!

Any 'What am i supposed to do?' type questions, just tell her it is for her to decide. It is important not to let her continue in a child role where she puts responsibility for her issues or solving them onto you.

This is not meant to be uncaring-it is in fact the only kind and sustainable approach to take.

Megatherium · 17/01/2017 17:41

You don't need an excuse for saying you don't want her to have the key for emergencies - you can tell her that you prefer to make other arrangements because you have repeatedly asked her not to use it to let herself into the house uninvited and she doesn't seem able to stop, and therefore it just isn't working. Even if she promises to stop, point out that she did that before and couldn't keep it up.

Never, never give in to her sustained knocking and calling - shut the door, put on the radio or noise-cancelling headphones and ignore it: she'll stop when she realises it isn't working. And repeat that you have to work during working hours and are not there as her taxi driver. Suggest she organises a taxi or online shopping. If she cries and rants, tell her it just isn't going to work.

Givemestrength12 · 17/01/2017 17:42

Definitely change the locks..and get a door chain...when we'd not long been married, our PIL used to call around and burst through the door...giving us quite a shock. After that we used the chain...and gave her a shock instead, I then resorted to locking the door...even if dear husband had unlocked it, knowing they were arriving...cant abide anyone just walking in on you..
Also you need to tell her quite clearly that you work from home and that she is not welcome to call round.

Formerpigwrestler9 · 17/01/2017 17:44

I think as far as the MIL is concerned 4 doors away is to all intents and purposes the same as living in the same premises.
That is very close

amidawish · 17/01/2017 17:45

You work from home and you moved in 4 doors away from your MIL. What were you expecting would happen? Confused

but no, YADNBU.

AmeliaJack · 17/01/2017 17:46

Actually 4 doors away makes it easier to send her home.

She has a perfectly good home 4 doors away, she doesn't need to be in yours.

Your responsibility to family is to be kind to them, not to be a doormat.

If she needs help with shopping trips, that's fine - but it's at your convenience not during your working hours.

It's good that your DH is on side. Consistency is key.

MonanaGeller · 17/01/2017 17:46

What ever possessed you to buy a house four doors away from the in laws?

Indeed! Surely there was some inkling of her behaviour before you moved - I can't imagine she suddenly became the vilest MIL MN has ever seen the day after you moved house.

user1484578224 · 17/01/2017 17:46

how old is said lady?

dollydaydream114 · 17/01/2017 17:49

The obesity thing is a bit of a red herring, really - the issue isn't that she's fat, it's that her behaviour is unacceptable. I suspect she'd be just as much of a nightmare if she was slim. The demands to be driven around are just an extension of her conviction that she is entitled to walk into your house without knocking and go through your cupboards.

Your DH needs to be the one to speak to her. If she becomes hysterical, then you don't talk to her again until she can be rational.

dollydaydream114 · 17/01/2017 17:50

Could you have a word with the FIL? He must know that she is being difficult and that her behaviour's not on, surely?

PenguinsandPebbles · 17/01/2017 17:51

FOUR doors away!!!

You need to move and get a moat

Backt0Black · 17/01/2017 17:51

what rookiemare said.

I work from home and would be fucked if various family members just rocked up whenever, more so if they monopolised my time for chauffeuring.

I'd tell her to fuck off home drop some heavy hints too , if no good maybe try the below as 'training' to respect your business.

  • I'd buy a bolt for the inside of front and back door and lock it when in alone. Buy a headset. Sit at laptop with headset on in view of window ..and when she shes banging on door, and looking in windows smile and make 'I'm on a video call' actions, and don't answer the door. I'd do this lots When she rings DH to complain you wouldnt let her in explain it was a 'video call' and you couldnt leave your seat.... and had to go on mute so everyone wouldnt hear what a fuss MiL was making at door.

Hopefully in time this denial of entry and ultimately, food will train her that its not worth her time coming round.

DartmoorDoughnut · 17/01/2017 17:51

Good luck OP! Flowers

Backt0Black · 17/01/2017 17:52

....and make plans to move.

RubyWinterstorm · 17/01/2017 17:54

sorry, but in this set up I'd have to move away, about a 2 or 3 hr drive away.

hate manipulators!!! And your DH needs to back you up.

He either backs you up, cut out the crap with the key (nobody has my keys! apart from neighbours in an emergency) or you MOVE

Goodness sake, feel angry on your behalf.

The obesity is neither here nor there, the behaviour is what's wrong.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 17/01/2017 17:55

Move house.

Or get a divorce.

Seriously, this will not resolve itself (bitter and surprisingly similar experience here).

Astro55 · 17/01/2017 18:04

Put an estate agent sign up in the garden - and wait till she asks

Baylisiana · 17/01/2017 18:05

I would emphasise that you are taking the key away because she was misusing it and would not listen. She could have had her key indefinitely if she had behaved appropriately and respected your boundaries.

Purplepicnic · 17/01/2017 18:10

Why on earth did you go to the trouble and expense of changing locks and then give her another key?!

No one needs an emergency key. You bury one in the garden and in the unlikely situation that someone needs access to your house quickly without you there, you tell them where it is.

Gooseberryfools · 17/01/2017 18:13

Lock the door internally. Have a note in the door saying 'quiet please. Working' Don't be weak and give in. Just don't answer the door however hard she hammers. Let it go on for weeks.

Baylisiana · 17/01/2017 18:13

Actually probably not a bad idea to say that if the disturbances don't stop you will definitely be moving, as you need to be able to do your job. You shouldn't feel you have to pretend to be on a call either, even when you are not you are still working. If someone is working from home then even reading/thinking/taking a quick break, they don't want their concentration broken. I bet she is quite young, isn't she?

confuugled1 · 17/01/2017 18:14

Also if she is stealing food from your kitchen each time she comes then each time she is about to leave you need to take the food back off her, tell her that she can't take xyz as you need it and don't have time to replace it before then. So that she doesn't get into the havit of knowing she can take your food rather than bothering to go to the hassle and expense of buying her own.