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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:
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5
AmeliaJack · 17/01/2017 16:06

Big girl pants time.

Sit her down with DH and explain that you love her but this cannot continue.

The locks will be changed.

She will not be allowed into your house while you are working.

You go shopping on x day and will complete a list for her at that time. In between times, in an emergency, she can text your DH to pick things up for her on his way home from work.

Explain that no matter how much she cries, or how often she hammers at the door you will not let her in.

And then stick to it.

SenseiWoo · 17/01/2017 16:07

Let. Her. Cry.

It is very very hard, admittedly. But when someone uses tears (whether or not consciously) like this, the only way to counter it is to remain unmoved. Ride it out without apologising or comforting her.

When she is cried out, you gently resume telling her what your boundaries are. If you get accused of not caring, you calmly say you do care about her and you hope she cares about you and wants arrangements to work for everyone.

Only when it is clear that crying and shouting won't make you or your DH give in are you likely to see her and FIL even begin to engage with discussion.

Good luck. You're a better woman than me-I'd have squirted something at her through the letterbox by now.

Mollyringworm · 17/01/2017 16:10

yellowblonds you are obviously a doormat far too nice. I can't believe u even have to ask Aibu! You are normalising her behaviour by allowing her to let herself into your house/have you ferrying her around/blame everything under the sun but herself for being obese. She sounds like an absolute 'mare.
Put a lock on the door and don't answer when she comes round - she'll soon get the message.

Slimmingsnake · 17/01/2017 16:11

Oh my god you have my sympathy x no advice ,but my sympathy x

TheMysteriousJackelope · 17/01/2017 16:15

Set your work hours and available help hours and tell her. Put chains/bolts on the doors. Put on headphones. Ignore any external noises. Eventually she will get the message that you are available to help her on certain days and times.

Every time you give in just teaches her that she has to hammer on the door for 10 minutes/20 minutes/30 minutes to get a reaction. You have to never give in.

If she starts getting hysterical or crying when you are talking to her about this say 'I can see you are upset, we'll leave you and come back when you've had a chance to calm down'. Once tears and histrionics don't get her attention, hopefully she'll switch to more adult methods of communication that are pleasanter to deal with.

EweAreHere · 17/01/2017 16:20

Why on earth have you allowed this to continue.

You need to sit your DH down and tell him it must be sorted. Immediately. He needs to go to HER house, sit her down, and tell her it's over. She must hand the key back. She must never come to your house without an explicit invitation to be there from one of you. She must never stand outside your house making a scene because, gasp, you work for a living. And she is banned from entering your kitchen and helping herself. He also needs to tell her that if she doesn't stop, you two will be moving far away again. Because this is not reasonable behavior.

He doesn't get to leave the mess of his mother for you to sort out. He needs to spell it out for her clearly.

I really would threaten to move away if she doesn't change.

I would also call her out on her weight Every Single Time she says it's because she has a medical problem. She doesn't. "No, it's not your glands. You just (eat too much and don't exercise). I've spoken to your doctor with you, remember?"

And cut her off if she insults you or calls you fat. Tell her time's up / the visit's up since she can't be polite.

You really do have to stop this. It will take a serious toll on your marriage and mental health if it doesn't. And your DH has to take the lead on shutting her down.

ijustwannadance · 17/01/2017 16:22

I suspect she tells FIL that she hardly eats then goes to yours to fill her face.

I would have to tell her straight. Key back, do not come round uninvited and do not take any food from your fridge or cupboards ever again. Tell her you can't afford to feed her every day and that if she must stop disturbing your paid employment.

Your DP needs to tell her in front of FIL. Do not pander to this shit.

TheNaze73 · 17/01/2017 16:23

She have nothing but my full sympathy.

She & the situation, sound hideous

TheNaze73 · 17/01/2017 16:24

You have my sympathy, not her!

ollieplimsoles · 17/01/2017 16:25

Get the fucking key back! What were you thinking!!

Original poster
YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 16:26

When DH is back we'll invite her around for another chat.
DH is fortunately on my side, and has been the entire time so at least there's that!

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 17/01/2017 16:27

Treat her tantrums like you would with a toddler - ignore.

Don't answer the door - no matter how much she shouts or whatever.

And make sure she does not have a key anymore.

Mamia15 · 17/01/2017 16:28

And call her out on the pilfering of your food cupboards.

ChuckSnowballs · 17/01/2017 16:29

Move. Away. Far away.

Scaredycat3000 · 17/01/2017 16:30

YABU Wink , you moved near your MIL and wonder why you have a problem?

bimbobaggins · 17/01/2017 16:31

if she is unable to drive herself or go anywhere unaccompanied how is she actually getting to your house?

FlaviaAlbia · 17/01/2017 16:33

Move house. To somewhere they're unlikely to follow.

MrsBobDylan · 17/01/2017 16:33

When you talk to her, get yourself ready for tears, emotional blackmail and basically anything she can throw at you so that she continues to get what she wants. Which is to bully you and make you unhappy.

She cares not for you or her son. If she did she wouldn't want to cause you distress and waste your time in the way she does.

Stop dealing with her as though she is a reasonable person. She's not and likely never will be.

Change the locks, tell her she's not welcome to come round unless invited or if you can't face that, just move very, very far away.

Sparkletastic · 17/01/2017 16:33

Be consistently assertive and tackle it every single time it happens. Give it 3 months.

If that doesn't work then deffo move.

Pogolphin · 17/01/2017 16:35

You are enabling her obesity. Change the locks and tell her is because she steals your food! Good luck!

Branleuse · 17/01/2017 16:36

move house

GinIsIn · 17/01/2017 16:39

As PPs have said, you need to be brutally honest. Your DH needs to sit her down and TELL her that you are taking back the key because she is using it inappropriately, and that working from home is just that - work - and she mustn't disturb you. When she cries, don't engage - just say 'we will talk about this further when you've calmed down' and leave, then repeat repeat repeat until she gets the message!

pasanda · 17/01/2017 16:39

Sometimes I wonder why people feel the need to ask these questions on AIBU Confused Do you honestly expect anyone to say what she is doing is OK. Surely you must trust your own judgement enough to know that she is a PITA and not need mumsnet to tell you?

Of course YANBU!!

Justcurious000 · 17/01/2017 16:40

Oh another mumsnet bashing mil thread Hmm

Joke op! I'm just surprised the pro milnetters haven't made an appearance.

Your mil sounds very selfish, YADNBU.

Baylisiana · 17/01/2017 16:43

Clearly this can't go on and you have to be firm, and I agree about the absolute consistency too, if you ever give in even one time, it will undermine all your efforts. I also agree your DH should be doing most of the work of dealing with this.

I actually do have sympathy for your MIL though. Overeating can be part of a complex mental health problem that is a medical problem. It may not be exactly the one she meant, and she does definitely need to confront the truth, but it is still a medical problem and so are many of the other physical changes associated with obesity. These won't disappear if she eats less, in fact her metabolism will probably be severely disrupted by an extended diet. She should still lose the weight, I totally agree it would be life changing for her, but it isn't a simple matter. It is a medical issue. It just isn't the case that she has a diagnosis of something that makes her weight inevitable.

She is obviously also very emotionally unstable and unhappy, all this sounds completely humiliating and most people would not put themselves through it.

You can't be expected to cope with it though, and you must be able to work. So you have to do what you have to do, and in fact tough love may be what she needs to help her change things. I would definitely make sure that when you and/or DH speak to her about this you emphasise that you love her etc, that is what she needs to hear but also you need to stop her using that as emotional blackmail. Tell her that these issues of your work time and disruptions to daily life have nothing to do with that.