MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

Your DH needs to sort this instead of you being the bad guy. I sometimes work from home and despite not having kids myself, a lot of my friends think that because I'm at home, I'm doing fuck all so they used to 'pop' round for hours or ask me to look after their kids on the days I was off.

I work from home and people have THE hardest time accepting that I am not just sitting on the sofa browsing MN in front of the TV, I am actually working (I am - it's research!).

Chain on the door, noise cancelling headphones, maybe park the car round the corner so she doesn't know whether or not you are in. If, by chance, she does bulldoze her way in, pick up your phone and be on a very, very, very long and involved call, if she waits it out (with you mouthing, 'got to deal with this'), then put the phone down and tell her that you've GOT to go out somewhere to deal with this matter...

Rinse and repeat. And get DH to tell her (again) that your work is important, and he will take her wherever when he can. What did she do before you moved?

Fizz No don't get a Rottie they are soft as shit, my boy is lovely. What the op needs is my Cairn 'ish' small bundle of fucking constant hairy yapping.

Oh my god I had one just like that. Divorce solved it

This is hard. I love my MiL to bits now, but when DP and I first bought a house and moved out she cried for 3 hours and accused me of bullying her son into it

We bought the house with MY deposit and on MY wage... she shut up when I said "Gosh, I wish all the bullies in my house had effectively bought me a house.. I'd be rich!"

First and only time I've ever stood up to her but it bloody worked. Not a peep out of her since.

In the first few months we had the house she would let herself in using her emergency key and I'd regularly get home and find her sat on my sofa wit a cup of tea.. completely on her own. When asked why she was there it was "Oh I'm just waiting for DP" or "I was just popping in on my way back from XX". It was just ODD.

I sent DP to have words with her and FiL about boundaries, and we removed her key subtly (DP took it off her keyring when he went to fetch her something from her car).. it was never mentioned so I think she thinks she lost it but never told us!

We have a better relationship now but she really struggled not eing the only woman in DP's life and acted horribly to begin with.

It's tough but you need a chat.

If she helps herself to food from your kitchen I would hide it all somewhere she'd never think to look, then I would fill the kitchen cupboards with the biggest dildos I could find, see what she says to that!

My favourite idea so far has been the naked frying pan one
Though I only take my frying pans in the shower with me on Tuesdays.

DH has some fancy new headphones so I'm going yo try barricading the door tomorrow and putting those on and seeing how it goes.

FIL is away at work all day, and cannot drive anyway.

In my madder moments I've considered putting laxatives in the food I know she tales (I obviously wouldn't actually do this)

Change locks again ad put a chain on (just in case). If she insists on banging on the door, leave the house via the back door, and make sure she sees you going - in fact say to her :I've got to go out," and refuse to let her into the house to wait for you as you don't know how long you'll be. Drive away and go round the block and spy on her. Work via a laptop and the library/internet cafe if necessary. If she's still on the doorstep when you go back, say - "You can't come in as I'm working," Shut the door on her and put the chain on.

With a bit of luck she will get the message.

That sounds tough. Yes to a chain on the door, plus headphones. But your DH needs to have a word - if that means having another word each week as she tests your boundaries, so be it.

As to her health... it's tough, but I'd keep reinforcing that between 9 and 6 or whatever you are working, so you can't volunteer for that kind of thing.

Do you work for yourself or for an employer? If you work for someone, I think I would pretend that I've been told off and need to work harder, so need to make some changes. I suspect from what you've said, you've been a bit too flexible in your working from home rules which muddies the waters a bit about what working from home actually means.

Get a load of brochures of houses far far away, leave your laptop open with this thread, let her let herself I and hide upstairs while she noses through your things
(Don't really do that obviously) just start standing up to her and be strong, no caving at tears or you are in for this for years!!

She sounds like she needs therapy, terribly unhappy and lonely.

That said, of course you can't be at her mercy.

It is time for plain speaking and lots of patience.

I suggest you are all there, FIL, MIL, DH and you. Explain your working hours, explain when you might have time to do something with/for her. DH mainly. Make the boundaries clear, tolerate no weeping.

Blimey - no to the laxatives! Suppose she got caught short at tyours and you couldn't use the bathroom for a fortnight!

I think if you were to either keep 'treat' food under lock or key or else eliminate it and have ONLY fresh vegetables and meat (not even cheese - too nickable) she would be less willing to steal food.

just a thought

How does she get to you OP? I have a vision of her driving to your house, letting herself in and then getting you to take her for a drive.

Agreed, home workers are targets for piss takers, but at least we can be preyed upon whilst wearing our loungewear and no make up.

This has nothing to do with being fat (more to do with you and DH having no backbone) so I think the title is quite nasty.

So she has a glandular problem, her salivary glands are making her nick food from your cupboards!
Why can't fil chauffeur her around?

You don't need an excuse not to give her a key. "You don't respect my boundaries, particularly when I am working at the job I am employed to do" is sufficient reason. Tough shit if she doesn't like it.

She doesn't understand that you are working...

If your DH is on board I would sit down with him and his DM (and FIL if you think it would help) and explain that as she has been disturbing your work that you both would like her to give back her key as what she is doing is the same as letting herself into DH's or FIL's office - which I imagine she wouldn't do.

Though I only take my frying pans in the shower with me on Tuesdays.

I just snort laughed and tea came out of my nose

With regards to her health, if you've been in the room when she's been told her obesity is lifestyle related and not glandular etc, I speak as a fellow moribidly obese woman when I tell you the kindest thing to do is be honest.

Thankfully, I'm now on the right path (thanks to some honesty from DP and some CBT) but I've been obese all my life because people tiptoed around me and I was quite happy blaming everything else under the sun for what is essentially my issue with food. It took DP to have the following conversation with me for me to finally change. He's also obese so we're now losing weight together:

me: "What do you want for us in the future?"
him: "I want us to live happily and healthily for as long as we can together"
me: "awww"
Him: "That won't happen though. We'll both be dead at 55"
Me."...... "
Him: True though isnt it? If we stay the same as we are now we'll be dead before we retire
me: Fuck.

And that was that.
Trust me, she KNOWS the obesity is her problem and she's ashamed of that, hence the excuses. The kindest thing you can do is when she mentions her pain, have this exact conversation:

"I'm sorry you're in pain with your insert problem , to feel better you need to lose weight"
"I can't lose weight, I have a insert common excuse here "
"Don't be silly MiL, I was with you at the Dr's when they told you that's not the case, remember? there's no reason at all why you can't lose weight"

Rinse and repeat.

The more you pretend to believe her, the more she'll normalise her weight and behavior.

I would just leave the chain on, when she next comes, & tries to get in, you stand up open the door, demand she return the key, & tell her this has to stop, you cannot be disturbed every day, you are getting grief from your boss/other story. Your income is necessary.
If she needs something specific, she can email/text her son, & he will try to fit it in after work. For shopping, if she needs to be taken, it can be one shop a week. tell her you have no sympathy, she eats too much, she is jeopardising her own health, & it is not your responsibility, nor do you have the time or money to be her unpaid assistant. & close the door.

How exactly are you discriminating against her medical condition? Discrimination is treating someone less favourably than you'd treat someone WITHOUT the condition - does she think you'd ferry her everywhere if she was a size eight and fit and healthy? Try pointing that out, and explaining that you don't actually have an equality policy written yet for treatment of family members and have yet to put a complaints procedure in place.

I have every sympathy with the working from home thing, my family think if I'm home on the computer I could be shopping/visiting/chatting/helping out or anything else they want. Try a notice on the door, that convinces my mother (sometimes), but it's going to be persisting and repeating every single time, No, I'm Working. And shutting the door (which was on the chain). She will cry. And throw tantrums. She may turn her breath and turn blue. It won't hurt her, and she just needs to work through it until she realises it won't make you behave any differently.

ApplePaltrow21 I didn't mean to cause offense but its a lot to do with her being obese; her "medical problem" is the reason she is over so much, and she steals a lot of our food.

I'm guessing that the concept of online supermarket shopping wouldn't be completely beyond her, or would she claim ignorance and helplessness on that point?