MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

I have no family of my own so I don't know what is reasonable and what ones obligations as a family are.

The answer to that is it depends on a whole host of things. For a start, there's obligation, there's ability and there's financial considerations to be taken into account.

MIL is definitely trying to take advantage of your naivety and shoehorn you into feeling obliged to indulge her every whim. Your DH needs to ask her, if you weren't there, what would she do?
Put that into place for her.

How many hours' work is she costing you a week, let her know, I expect it runs into £hundreds.
Whether or not she can "see" what you do is work because you're doing it from home and it doesn't look like the sort of work that was done in her day, your DH needs to lay the law down to her about your being able to fulfil your requirements, being on the verge of being in trouble because you're not doing your allotted work and the quality has noticeably fallen as you are interrupted so much.

Your DH needs to explain to her that what started out as a very nice situation in theory has now turned into a dire one in practise and the only way to recover it is for her to return your key, keep off your property during your working hours and other times you need some space like prepping, cooking and eating your evening meals, relaxing together etc.

I've read the whole thread and don't see FIL involved in any of this, he's probably thanking his lucky stars that when she's at yours he doesn't have to have the pleasure of her company, but he needs to be on-board and help with the new boundaries that your DH is going to lay down at the first opportunity you all have to visit them.

Please don't feel obliged to do anything for your inlaws, that's not how family relationships should work. Be firm, get your DH to set new boundaries, he needs to explain to the PILs before he says anything that histrionics will be ignored and new boundaries will be put into place, whether it upsets MIL or not.

Good Luck OP I hope your DH steps up and sorts MIL out so your living so close to them becomes bearable, if not, you'll need to move further away to keep your sanity her away.

You need a backbone, you don't need to give her an excuse not to give her a key tell her why she isn't having one. She steals from you? Can you afford to feed an extra mouth continually? Get a door wedge under front door and get lock changed and don't tell her, when she asks for keys say no. No one needs an emergency key, if you get locked out you call s locksmith if you need emergency services they'll break in if needed. Change the lock and tell her if she dies not stop interrupting your work you will need to move and will consider areas at least 3+ hours away.

I'm afraid it looks like it is time for you to move, OP.

If your MIL is ever interested in dealing with her weight problem, AA have a wonderful section "Overeaters Anonymous"

Good luck with the talk.

My mother is on a subtle campaign to kill off some of her "bastard colleagues" by causing early onset diabetes. Bakes them a very sugary cake twice a week and leaves it in the staff room. They think she's being a lovely mumsy type.

You could try that if you're evil enough. Or be assertive.

She HAS got a medical problem, technically her ankles, though it doesntbprevent her from driving.

Can your FiL not drive?

Where is the FIL in all this? Is she on her own?

Read the thread. FIL is at work and doesn't drive.

You say you don't know what's normal in families. Well in my family l only got a key to my mother's house when she grew infirm and needed care. She does not have a key to mine or any of my siblings houses.
I wouldn't dream of taking food fromy mothers house and no one in my family would take food unless l offered them leftovers from a family party. Your Mil is completely out of order. You sound reasonable and ready to help in appropriate ways.

She must be extremely obese if it's at the point where she can't drive. Call her out on her bullshit. When she goes on about the glandular problem, tell her 'no, you must have misunderstood. The doctor said you just need lifestyle changes.' I suspect even her husband thinks she has some incurable thyroid condition and if things are that bad then she needs to make changes now.

With regards to the boundaries, get an internal lock and let her bang and yell. Giving in will just teach her that she can get her own way.

When she asks for lifts and favours say no. Don't make excuses. That gives her a way in. Just no.

The OP has mentioned earlier that the FIL is out at work during the day.

Thanks dimots-it easy to miss one sentence in six pages.

I'd suggest changing locks (another lost key) and just not giving a spare. If she asks say that you don't feel the need for another spare as you and DH already have one each and if you need her to do anything (water plants etc) while you are away, she can borrow your key to do it.

Get some noise cancelling headphones and refuse to open the door when working.

If she raises this then get DH to explain again that yes, you are at home but you are working and need P&Q and no visitors.
If she needs help for an appointment she can ring in advance and ask if you are free.

I don't understand why her obesity/eating disorder means she has to come to you? Does she not have food at home?

If she were an alcoholic and she was letting herself into your house to pilfer that, what would you do? If she wanted you to stop work and drive her to buy more alcohol, what would you do?

4 doors away?!
What's the biggest issue in this? The disturbing you when you're working,the munching of your food, the lies about her health,the fact you probably want to move?!

four doors away

God's teeth.

Also if she is stealing food from your kitchen each time she comes then each time she is about to leave you need to take the food back off her, tell her that she can't take xyz as you need it and don't have time to replace it before then

I'm really struggling to comprehend why anyone would let someone walk out of their house with items they had stolen from them! I'm not at all confrontational, but if my MIL was stealing from us I'd pull her up about it immediately.

Why don't you leave a loaf of bread and 10 packs of biscuits on your doorstep in a box addressed for her. "Binge eating MIL"

Change the locks, get a "do not disturb" sign.

Phone her GP and tell her that your mil is binge eating you out of house and home. There is treatment for those with an eating disorder as she has.

Tell your fil that you're thinking of moving so you can work without interruption, as constant noise is interfering with your targets. Let on you don't know who it is and you're thinking of calling the police as you feel harassed.

Good luck. I've had to give my own mother a telling off as she kept popping in for tea and a chat when I was working from home. Work is work wherever you do it. No tea breaks as they eat profits.

Phone her GP and tell her that your mil is binge eating you out of house and home. There is treatment for those with an eating disorder as she has.

What do you expect the gp to do about it?

Holy fuck

Bloody glad your dh is on board, but if you're going to do this then you need to be consistent and keep your barriers in place. No means no, but if you back down then she'll do it again and again and again.

The FIL is at work, from what the OP said originally - he works during the day (and doesn't drive) so MIL is free to wander into the cupboards!

Four doors down would explain it then. Does she drive the car much? Have any other friends she can visit for the day?

It's not going to be pleasant but I think you'll feel better after the initial hysterics. I would also get FIL involved.

You are enabling her obesity. Change the locks and tell her is because she steals your food! Good luck!

You say her ankles don't prevent her from driving, so she doesn't need you to drive her. You do need to stop allowing her to disrupt your life, it's way over the top, what she's doing. Pull her up on everything, consistency is key. Don't EVER give in to her demands. She does not need to be driven everywhere, she can go herself. She needs 're-training' like a child: controlled crying, ignore, remove key. I'm amazed at her behaviour, it's hugely unreasonable. I would go ballistic at the stealing, I mean wtaf?!

I'm so incredibly angry.

We went over tonight and sat down with MIL (FIL was out) and told her very seriously that whilst we love living so close, the drop ins have to stop. I explained that I am very busy with work and do not have time to help her out during the day. DH said that as this was not the first time this conversation had happened, he would like our key back to avoid temptation in the future.
MIL cried again, and wrapped herself around DH wailing that she was his mother, she birthed him and how could he banish her like this. She got really quite hysterical.
DH pulled himself away and said he's sorry, will always be there for her but we need our space to ourselves.
MIL was sobbing and giving me the evils, said (in front of me!!!) "its that bitch wife of yours! She refuses to help her own mother!" (She refers to herself as my mother).
DH said that he'd call her later when shed calmed down and we stood up to leave and whilst we walked to the door MIL FAKED A HEART ATTACK.
She started clutching her heart and saying "oh! Oh!" and fell to the floor, holding her chest, wheezing and spluttering.
DH obviously ran over to her whilst I fumbled in my coat for my phone to call 999 when I saw her open one eye to check we were watching her - like a bloody toddler having a tantrum.
DH fussed over her (fair enough, he thought she was having a heart attack) but I then said loudly I better call an ambulance - cue a rather miraculous recovery

I'm so so cross and upset, my father died of a heart attack when I was a teen - whilst I was in the room - and she is more than aware of this.

She actually behaved like that? Unbelievable.

WTF??!!!!! What did your DH do when he realised she was faking? And for that matter what did he say to her calling you a bitch?! She's absolutely off her rocker!