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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:

Thread gallery

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2017 16:45

The weight is an absolute red herring-this is about boundaries. You and your dh need to decide what's acceptable and stick to it, regardless of the tears and guilt trips.

Scaredycat3000 · 17/01/2017 16:49

Has nobody suggested casually leaving emigration forms for Australia lying around in the food cupboard? That always sounds like a very possibly effective plan.
I don't know why I can't pull MIL up on her weight lies, but I'm building up to it by firmly telling her that she is committing fraud against the state. She has perfected her cats bum face.

Goldenhandshake · 17/01/2017 16:51

I would ask for the key back, and when she asks why, say 'Because you repeatedly use it to interrupt me during my working hours and it is affecting my deadlines and performance'.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 17/01/2017 16:52

Set out firm boundaries. Obesity will bring a whole raft of medical issues as she gets older and she will rely on you more and more. You may well end up as her carer.

It's best to set out your stall now as all this resentment will destroy what could be an amicable relationship with MIL (if it hasn't already )

Formerpigwrestler9 · 17/01/2017 16:52

you'll have to be very firm with this woman or she will wrap her tentacles around you and never let go, she's clearly prepared to use any kind of blackmail she can think of to get her own way

she sounds horribly parasitic

Formerpigwrestler9 · 17/01/2017 16:53

she's lining you up to be her full time carer, no doubt about that!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 17/01/2017 16:56

She sounds horribly parasitic

Christ when you're no longer of use to her, she may eat you.

Kskifred · 17/01/2017 16:57

Fuck that...I really feel for you she sounds like an absolute nightmare!

I would straight up tell her that she is taking advantage of your good nature and the next time she tells you that you are/look fat suggest that you both attend Slimming World together then as it was clear from what the dr confirmed also that she needed to lose a lot of weight - see how she likes it!

She sounds horrendous and I feel bad for you OP but she clearly isn't appreciating your move to be closer, what a bloody cheek saying you are turning him against her! Start asking her for the petrol money and she will soon change her tune.

I'm pregnant right now so that probably has something to do with it but I'm raging for you on this one!

CotswoldStrife · 17/01/2017 16:57

It is a difficult situation. Do you have your own business, OP, as you don't mention working hours. Set some, and let MIL know in advance that you need peace and quiet so will have a chain on the door and be unable to answer it (long conference call, etc).

As for the food pilfering - obviously if you can keep her out it will be less of a problem. I am tempted to suggest emptying the cupboard and hiding the food but that will be a lot of hassle for you!

I know at least two other posters have asked how she gets round to your house? Does she walk?

You may have to push through the tears (hers) and if she claims discrimination again, gently point out that the only problem the doctors have identified is her lifestyle and the food scoffing at yours

Kskifred · 17/01/2017 16:58

Scaredycat yes that will shake her up a bit!

Kskifred · 17/01/2017 16:59

Scaredycat yes that will shake her up a bit!

Formerpigwrestler9 · 17/01/2017 16:59

I would ask for the key back, and when she asks why, say 'Because you repeatedly use it to interrupt me during my working hours and it is affecting my deadlines and performance'

Dont explain or try and justify, you're just inviting her to challenge your explanations.
I'd change the lock and if she comments just stick to a one liner 'we needed new locks'

FGS op please grow a back bone!
I cant imagine how you've even put up with this unless you are somehow (consciously or not) attracted to the role of martyr.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm trying to be constructive with my criticism, really I am.
Good luck :)

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 17/01/2017 16:59

don't invite her around for the chat!

that's kind of like rubbing her nose in it - "come here so we can tell you to stay away"

go round to hers and have the chat. it might be an eye opener for fil as well if she's been giving him the 'medical condition' excuse.

Ethylred · 17/01/2017 17:04

She sounds insane. Move. Or your marriage will suffer.

Original poster

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 17:10

that's kind of like rubbing her nose in it - "come here so we can tell you to stay away"

That's true. We'll pop round hers I'll let myself on and eat her biscuits first

How does she get to us? She walks - we live in a teeny hamlet, she's four doors away I know I know....

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 17/01/2017 17:14

What LivingOnTheDanceFloor said.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 17/01/2017 17:15

Since you've already done a number of 'chats' which have worked for a few days and then she creeps the boundaries again, I'd make it clear this is the last and only one she's going to get and then cast iron limits. Your issue isn't that she doesn't know you don't want her to do it, or doesn't understand what you're saying, she knows perfectly well. Your issue is that she doesn't care. She wants her own way and believes she can manipulate you into giving it to her.

For some drama llamas the chats and meetings can also be highly rewarding in themselves.

ToadsforJustice · 17/01/2017 17:15

🙈

rookiemere · 17/01/2017 17:17

Can you work somewhere else?
If you aren't there then she can't bug you.

Original poster

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 17:19

Can't really work anywhere else as I have a lot of equipment that is already set up and the nearest town with rental offices in is about 40 mins away.

I think we're gonna take the key away, and deal with the fallout of that. And do as PP have said and not engage with the inevitable hysterics.

OP posts:

VivDeering · 17/01/2017 17:21

What did you want from this thread?

Original poster

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 17:27

VivDeering mainly to check I wasn't being a complete bitch. She HAS got a medical problem, technically her ankles, though it doesntbprevent her from driving. I have no family of my own so I don't know what is reasonable and what ones obligations as a family are.

OP posts:

VivDeering · 17/01/2017 17:29

But your initial post makes it very clear that you know she's being unreasonable.

JulesJules · 17/01/2017 17:29

Exactly what Amelia Jack says

Only 4 doors away! Where is FIL when she's round at yours eating your food?

AyeAmarok · 17/01/2017 17:31

You need to get one of those locks (or add an extra one) that when the key is in the lock on the inside, she can't get in. Or a snib one that again you can "lock" on the inside and she can't open. Then you can go in and out the back door (or pretend you have, and ignore the banging, though make sure your phone is on silent).

I'd talk to her first though, in addition to the above.

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