MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

Hope you got a chance to speak with your DH. He must be mortified.

I can't believe what I've just read! You're way more tolerant than my OP- brilliantly handled

I admire you for being so calm with her. I would have lost it after the line of "don't you take your PMT out on me, young lady" and would have screamed like a banshee at her effing and blinding while physically shoving her out of the door. I find the "young lady" bit especially disrespectful. Good luck getting through to her without a restraining order.

The doorstep dinner.... did she literally eat a plate of food on your step

There are no words. You have shown such restraint that i would not have been able to do, but she is still dh's mum and well done to you for treating that with respect. To lose your shit would be what she would want as she would have ammo to try and divide you and DH, and if you'd punched her round the chops (which none here on MN would have blamed you) he might not have been so on side.

You need to move really, no compromise. Sounds like you are a prisoner in your own home when dh away worried about what she will do next - you can't live like that.

Incredible fortitude in the face of extreme provocation
I am humbled by your remarkable stoicism op!

🏆🏆🏆

Hope you're ok OP and managing to get some work done in peace and quiet!

Honestly, I hope you're really proud of the way you've dealt with all this, and I'm sure you're DH will be aswell, as well as keeping in mind that she's still his mother and this must be incredibly hard and embarrassing for him also.
Really hope you've managed to have a chat and some chill out time with him.
I don't think it'll be easy and you'll continue to have issues but you're doing all the right things.
I've literally never been glued to a post like this before, you've seriously got the patience of a saint!!! Xxxxxxxx

I have RTFT, and I am adding my voice to the chorus of "move house". Yes it would be a massive ball-ache, but it would be nothing compared to the relief of getting your life back.

Whether your MIL has undiagnosed MH issues, or is truly just a massive arsehole, you have done incredibly well to not resort to physical violence.

and for you yellowblinds

Hope things are calmer today Yellow. I feel for you and your DH? It must be really hard to know where to go from here.

I don't think I could get past this behaviour, and would want to move away as soon as possible. For whatever reason, MH or controlling behaviour, she doesn't respect you in any way. Your time, your job, your opinion, your privacy.

I think. FIL needs to massively step up, but it doesn't sound like he will. Your DH can't be there during the day to run interference. You can't be expected to avoid the door, or wear earphones just to do your job.

I'd put the house on the market and find a temporary solution for work out of the house, even if it costs money. Are there are shared office spaces near you that you could rent an office or a desk if you can't go into your own office HQ.

Really sad that it's come to this, but your marriage will not withstand living in such close proximity to them. It would be different if your FIL was accepting of the problem and actively trying to help, but if he won't, it will all fall to you and you will end up hating her if you don't already.

Hope your DH has massively taken her to task on this. Do update us when you can.

Hi OP, hope today is going ok. Please can you start a new thread soon if you're going to be kind enough to keep updating us- this is nearly at 40 pages and it's a real pain if someone other than the OP starts a second thread. You can't do a quick update check!

Thanks

I have rtfh during today and wow, I am impressed you haven't snapped honestly, I don't have anything to add other than the medal you clearly deserve! Keep strong yellow

Just read the full thread, my jaw is on the floor. Well done to you OP.

Hope you had a good talk with DH YellowBlinds

Come back!

Who the hell eats dinner on someones doorstep, fakes a heart attack and raids people's kitchens?

Good question.

How's your DH reacted to all this OP?

I suspect the OP is taking the opportunity to get some work dobra. And we're all nagging her like her MIL!

Overinvested

Wow... no advice just... just wow...

Oh you poor thing, Yellowblinds. I feel so, so sorry for you and send some (((hugs))).

I've sat open-mouthed through every page of this thread - and do you know, I started to have a kind of photographic image of your MIL in my head.

My mind's image of her is to be similar to that of the actress Kathy Bates as she appeared the excellent movie she starred in with James Caan in the movie, "Misery" (although your MIL would be much larger in physical appearance). She portrays a woman with a personality disorder whose behaviour becomes more and more obsessive, with shocking results.

The movie is based on the Stephen King novel with the same title and Kathy Bates won a 'Best Actress' Oscar for it. (If anyone wants to watch the movie it is available online new or used with Amazon, eBay, HMV etc.). HIghly recommended.

As others have mentioned, I think to keep your mental health intact - and your marriage - it would be best to move house. However, if you put your house on the market I would not have a 'For Sale' sign posted up in the garden and would ask that any estate agents coming round for a valuation to not have any business signs on their cars. If the MIL spots any people coming round to view, then they are just 'clients' for your home based business.

Wishing you all the best, Yellowblinds x

I suspect strongly she doesn't have dementia, but that she is just manipulative. I'm not sure someone with dementia would have the wit to fake a heart attack or pretend to lose their keys.

I agree Twerp.

Many people are generously positing that she may have dementia etc, but I think she is just a greedy, controlling, manipulative narcissist who is determined to get her own way by hook or by crook. Faking a heart attack is not the action of someone who is dementing.

Sometimes people are just unpleasant self-centred buggers, and there is nothing that can be done about it.

You could argue that any narcissist has a MH problem - but you could argue that about any murderer or any rapist or any child abuser - after all, what mentally healthy person would want to do any of these things? But it is a matter of accepting responsibility for our own actions, and accepting that other people have rights and needs, too,

Can you imagine what she would be like if she knew you had people coming round to view your house?

I wouldn't put a For Sale sign up if you do list the house, OP. You don't have to. And it would probably cause all kinds of hysterics if you did.

40 pages?? Change to 100 per page. Much easier 😂

Op. have you seen or heard from mil today?

Is dh back with booze for neighbour