MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

Tell FIL he has personal experience of one type of Dementia only.

As i'm currently experiencing with my own parent, dementia is an umbrella/generic term for memory/behaviour illness.
Each type of dementia has its own presenting symptoms and speed of further decline.

Like my dad. He's been a difficult, stubborn, pigheaded, narcissistic control freak for as long as i've known him. I've been almost nc with him for 16 years.

My siblings see him every day so they were desensitised to a degree.
As an 'outsider' i saw all his bad traits amplified and i could predict the general direction of what would happen next.

and whilst the whole family was in denial and insisting on 'it's depression/it's just the way he is', he was behaving in a similarly unacceptable and embarrassing manner.

The night after i outlined a worst case scenario of not facing up to it and doing something.....he took a knife from the kitchen and went for my mum.
He's always been an angry man but lately he's been full of rage all the time, paranoid, both needy and controlling at the same time.
Even faked a stoke and now a fainting episode in front of the psychiatrist - 10 minutes into his mental health assesment! -courtesy of the police or he could choose to be arrested--

well, we all now what happened to the boy who cried wolf......
now he's an inpatient at the same hospital!
(Genuine breathing difficulties - we've not locked him up in the bottom block!)

I hate the PMT comment, as if women can only be cross because of their hormones

Poor FIL

PMT!

In the same way like the menopause is making her unreasonable?

I've read the whole thread.... just one thing to say.....

52!!!!!!!!

Wow Yellow you did brilliantly.

I agree with those who have suggested trying to get medical help for her.

Your mil has serious issues !!!

Def need cameras at your door and ideally aimed at kitchen /from neighbours.

TO spend hours outside yours in the dark banging etc is not right

FIL obv doesn't care what happens as long as he has an easy life :(

Must be hard on dh as well - he needs to be firm and strong

TBH you shouldn't have opened the door as she got her own way BUT well done for saying the right things and shutting the door.

Omg what a monster she is 😡

Well done OP.

Sometimes there is not any underlying health condition and some people are just arseholes.

Good luck in the future OP, I do hope your DH and FIL help in some way, but you know you have to move.

Would you seriously consider moving house? Would it be feasible? It would mean a quiet and peaceful life again.

Don't know how you'd cope with the fallout when she saw the For Sale sign go up though.

TO spend hours outside yours in the dark banging etc is not right

Sorry this made me

Sometimes there is not any underlying health condition and some people are just arseholes.

While this absolutely could be right, the FIL doesn't exactly sound like the most reliable ally in the fight to deal with the MIL. A mental health problem can't just be ruled out on his say so.

Really hope you and DH can go away for a night or the weekend this weekend just to be together away from her

If not, then go and spend the day out walking in the countryside or an art gallery or cinema or anywhere that you can be a married couple together on a date sometime over the weekend

I don't know where you are in the country but I think the weather is going to be sunny and chilly this weekend so quite nice for a day out

I realise it doesn't change anything but might just let you relax together

Please get some cameras set up with sound inside & outside the front door but you did so well

Feel a bit sad for DH as she is still his mum

OMG
WTF

I think the gloves have to be off now
if she wants some let her have it with both barrels
shoot from the hip
show no mercy
take no prisoners
etc etc

Well done in standing up to her.

Your father in law lied. He would have known exactly what she was doing when she was popping in and out. What did he think she was up to. He knew she was going to your door and chose not to get involved. She may have eaten two dinners though.

He's probably embarrassed. Her behaviour is beyond irrational. This is not just a very determined person. You seem to be the only person able to deal with her.

However, I don't think you've heard the end of it, I think it will now escalate further. I'm sorry, and your husband and father in law will need to step up.

She blocked it with her foot and said "don't take out your PMT on me, young lady
that would have done it for me, how did you not just slay her on the spot?

What has your DH said?

Well done! That must have been really difficult to do.

I agree with Blutness100 the bloke is probably in denial or just ignoring how much of a NUT his wife is for an easier life - and because she's harassing someone else instead of him. It's still wrong and out of order - this bloke needs to acknowledge and deal with his wife! They are not infirm!!!! Feel perhaps OP has become some kind of scapegoat for FIL - and that is just unfair and wrong. OP - I can only admire you for your class shown and strength and resilience!!!!

RTFT.

I have no words.

AragornsManlyStubble Fri 20-Jan-17 06:06:38
RTFT.

I have no words.

Is this what you mean darlin <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Grin" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/grin-D7Eg_B6y.png">

I'm sorry. Who the hell eats dinner on someones doorstep, fakes a heart attack and raids people's kitchens.

She's obviously got serious psychiatric problems. There's no way anyone unqualified could possibly deal with this.

The doorstep dinner.... did she literally eat a plate of food on your step?!

If this really is the first time your dh has observed his mother behaving like this it means something has changed - if this is normal for her he must have noticed her behaviour growing up?

How are you and DH today OP?

I hope you're ok op, I feel so sorry for you going through this. Sending love and hugs xx