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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:

Thread gallery

TwistedReach · 19/01/2017 20:23

Personality disorder is a mental health issue. Not saying op should not enforce boundaries but the posters trying to say pd means no mental health issue are spreading ignorance and prejudice.

lunchboxtroubles · 19/01/2017 20:23

This is PD, I'm sure of it (with usual caveats about not making a diagnosis online). it's not going to get better. Move. Far away.

THirdEeye · 19/01/2017 20:24

Classic enabler behaviour from your FIL....as long as it is not effecting him/anything for a quiet life he just lets her do what she wants!

You really do need to move....she may settle but she will up the anti again.

It says oh so much, that she's done this to friends.....probably why they keep her at arms length.

WyldChyld · 19/01/2017 20:29

Good God, Op! I think she's pretty much pissed all over any chance of a reconciliation, hm??

Stay strong and get the house sold!!!

juneau · 19/01/2017 20:32

Wow - I'm in awe of your calm handling of her OP. for you.

I was under the impression that this behaviour is a new thing, but if she's always been like that then no, I doubt it is a breakdown. More likely she's a narc - god almighty there are so many of them

She doesn't like it one little bit that she thought she had you just where she wants you, under her control, doing her bidding, giving her the run of your home and then, damn it, you've gone and spoiled everything!

I really think I'd have to move, if it was me.

QuackDuckQuack · 19/01/2017 20:32

Do you own your house OP? I'd guess that your MIL would do her best to sabotage any sale you arranged.

Astro55 · 19/01/2017 20:34

but I still think the best way to deal with this is through kindness

The OP isn't being unkind - she is being kind to herself by setting boundaries and previous nice requests haven't registered/worked

She is entitled to a peaceful work:home balance rather than instant demands in her time ....

orenisthenewblack · 19/01/2017 20:35

Omg, She sounds horrendous. Stay strong and move away x

Mix56 · 19/01/2017 20:35

Yay !!! Bravo !
re dementia, there are lots of different symptoms, so even if FIL know his mother's they will not be the same every time.

So I think you will discover she has been doing this a very long time, to a whole series of "friends"

She may have eaten dinner with FIL, but she was eating another outside your door (in hiding) He doesn't even know she is binge eating, he has completely switched off. & lets her bug others, so at least he doesn't have to be the victim, nor responsible.

I suggest you OH tells her, that if this happens one more time you will be moving the diametrically opposite end of the country.

Watch out she will be round about 10pm

TwistedReach · 19/01/2017 20:36

'Narc' - I think you mean narcissistic personality disorder - this is a psychiatric diagnostic classification- it is appalling how these terms are flung out with such vitriol and ignorance on here.

SeaEagleFeather · 19/01/2017 20:37

The close relative who behaved very much like this - absolutely similar - but was violent had diagnosed severe BPD and also histrionic.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 19/01/2017 20:37

For the sake of everyone concerned (including MIL) I think you will need to move before this gets totally out of control. It isn't your job to get treatment for her or to work out what the underlying problem is. In any case, anything you try to do will be undermined by FIL's determined denial.

thequeenoftarts · 19/01/2017 20:38

Completely agree to getting cameras installed asap

Usernamegone · 19/01/2017 20:39

Well done Op for putting your foot down.

You need to consider moving. If you ever have children she will get 10 x worse. She doesn't see that she has done anything wrong and you need to be controlled like a naughty little girl according to her.

SeaEagleFeather · 19/01/2017 20:41

I suspect OP that FIL will never really stand up to her. His behavoiur to date shows that he's stepping well back and not interfering at all; he must know what she's been doing and just how unreasonable she is.

I suspect he's been beaten into submission. Hopefully wrong, and he'll stand up to her!

blankmind · 19/01/2017 20:50

I second/third/twentieth the idea of recording her both outside and inside (if she's ever asked in again) to remove any 'he said she said' doubts whenever she has another episode.
I hope she leaves you and DH alone tonight, you need some time to yourselves to think and plan and well, be alone.

for you Yellow you are a

maggiecate · 19/01/2017 21:11

It's an awful situation to be in, you and your DH have my sympathy. You don't say (unless I've missed it!) how long you've known her, or how close you were to her before you moved, but presumably the fact that you did move meant that you hadn't noticed any overt red flags.

However I wonder, is It possible that some underlying mental health issue that's been ticking along at a low level for years, to the point where it's become the accepted norm by her friends and family, has escalated? Her behaviour does sound as if it's verging on psychosis, where she's perceiving a reality that's different from everyone else's. She seems utterly adamant that her behaviour is reasonable and normal, and it's very clearly not.

My mum, after lifelong moderate anxiety that was managed effectively by medication got 'stuck' in a low mood about five years ago, which got worse and worse until she was completely detached from reality. She's older than your MIL (mid 70s at the time). Initially we went with 'well you know what she's like' when she seemed to be worrying more than normal, but eventually it got to the point where a line was crossed and it became very clear that there was a serious problem. The tipping point came very quickly in the end, where she went from low-but-lucid to utterly terrified and living in her own reality, where everyday issues became utterly catastrophic and she couldn't be left alone for even a couple of minutes. She had to be admitted by the emergency psychiatric team. Her consultant recommended ECT quite quickly because her situation was becoming dangerous, and again it was a very rapid change where she 'tipped back' - I went in the day after her fifth treatment, she turned and smiled and it was mum instead of a terrified stranger.

Your MILs behaviours and focus seem different on the surface, but it does seem as if she's escalating, and I think you really do need to get some advice, at least so you know one way or the other. Her age may mean that hormonal changes are exacerbating or uncovering something that's always been there, just not as extreme. If you weren't there then it's very possible that someone else would be dealing with her on their doorstep, or it might have found a different outlet, but this isn't the behaviour of a healthy mind.

RosyGold · 19/01/2017 21:17

We're all proud of you hen, keep up being strong and not letting this evil bully win!!!

SouthPole · 19/01/2017 21:33

Isn't it clear that the woman isn't right!

She's not just a bully, she's not well.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 19/01/2017 21:47

So FiL will never step up clearly - her bugging you keeps the batshit flowing away from him! Privately he's probably all for it. And he'll have raised his son in the head down, ignore it, hope she goes away tradition.

I'm sorry she's piling all this stress on you, and agree the 'young lady' says a whole lot about what's going on for her. In her mind you just don't have the authority or right to say no to her or set boundaries, you're being naughty and she's justified in bringing you back into line. You're not going to reason with that, you won't change her perspective, you can only set your boundaries and hope she's able to learn them.

Screenburn · 19/01/2017 22:01

OP you are absolutely amazing, I'm in complete awe of you

Your MIL doesn't sound unwell; just a brat that has always had her own way.

LauraPalmersBodybag · 19/01/2017 22:02

I'm aghast! Do let us know what your DH's reaction is Op

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2017 22:02

I've been lurking and a bit late to the party, but I think you handled MiL's intrusion today perfectly.

FiL has obviously bought his 'peace at any price'. You'll get absolutely NO help from him. He's not going to allow anyone to disrupt that peace, not you, not his son. I'm afraid you and DH are 'on your own' with MiL!

Bubblysqueak · 19/01/2017 22:15

Wow! I really don't know how you stayed so calm! Well done OP. I can't believe she even dragged the poor cat into it!

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 19/01/2017 22:17

Well done OP.

Time for an ostentatious parade of estate agents to come and value your house, I think.

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