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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date a tory?

382 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 17/01/2017 14:57

I know you don't have to date anyone you don't want to. But I'm currently dating someone who's told me he's a tory. He's a good person and I like him but I can't really get to grips with his ideologies about things. I'm politically aware but not active iyswim? I'd basically be ending the relationship purely because he's a tory but he's not actually a bad person so I feel a bit ridiculous.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 17/01/2017 21:58

I would feel I had failed at parenting if I brought up a Tory.

Really Hmm - I guess my parents must be really disappoiinted then, they are Conservative and I am Labour - interestingly they get on far better with me than with my two right wing siblings. Grin

And my DS is lookling as though he will vote right wing - am I therefore a failed parent?

There are so many narrow minded points of view on this thread, I volunteer in the community for a project for the vulnerable and margnalised - the vast majority of those who help probably vote Conservative - should I hate them all, should I alienate myself from them all? Where are all the left wing/liberal minded when there is a practical project to be involved in?

HelenaDove · 17/01/2017 22:02

As a social housing tenant i couldnt date someone who thinks rented homes shouldnt have to be fit for human habitation.

So its a no from me.

HelenaDove · 17/01/2017 22:03

Vindaloo I LOVE cats.

Cant understand ppl who hate them Sad

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 17/01/2017 22:04

Pre 2016 I'd have said you were being ridiculous. With all that has happened since June last year, and with the shit that is going on at the moment, I'd be the same as you.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 17/01/2017 22:06

It would be a deal breaker for me YANBU

Elvisrocks · 17/01/2017 22:24

It surely depends on how right-wing he is. My DH is a Tory but on the left (socially liberal, voted Remain etc). I can cope with that and our views are fairly aligned on some important issues (e.g. NHS, immigration). However, no way could I be with a very right-wing Tory.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 17/01/2017 22:27

Helena thanks Grin my cat is the love of my life!

ChickenVindaloo2 · 17/01/2017 22:28
To not want to date a tory?
Valentine2 · 17/01/2017 22:35

I have not read the full thread but your OP made me laugh Grin.
yes I won't do it either. No polictical party is perfect I think but stories right now are disgusting in general. May and Gove and Boris

LTB Grin

Valentine2 · 17/01/2017 22:36

Stories = Tories (although all they seem to come up since I was born are stories and stories and stories but no action)

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 17/01/2017 22:40

A sadly missed (and hot) Tory

To not want to date a tory?
MuteButtonisOn · 17/01/2017 22:46

My oh is waaay more right-wing than I, I'm an old leftie, but honestly recently I've seen just as much abhorrent and disappointing behaviour from some sections of the left as they accuse the right of by default. If we can't get on socially we're screwed globally. I've met some lovely philanthropic generous Tories and some utter spoiled twatty lefties. So it would depend on the person. However if I ever vote Tory my family have been instructed that its time to call for the special ambulance.

SeaWitchly · 17/01/2017 23:03

In my experience the people I know who vote Tory seem to vote in the spirit of self interest. They have limited knowledge of hardship or the reasons why people might need to rely on benefits and are unable to just pull themselves up by their bootstraps. They see the Conservatives as the party of the strivers and as they identify with this they vote Tory.

I personally couldn't date a Tory as I am a supporter of both Corbyn and Labour. I feel that Corbyn is finally sorting out the Labour party and meeting plenty of opposition along the way, from Tory lite Labour politicians and sections of the mainstream media but that he is on the right track and has the strength of character and conviction to see his vision of a fairer and more decent society through.

I have a couple of friends who vote Tory and I love them dearly for who they are as people but we mainly try to avoid discussing politics as we are just too dissimilar in our values and priorities and can argue about this until the cows come home... Not ideal in a romantic relationship methinks!

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 17/01/2017 23:21

Corbyn sorting the party out Grin

Mmm that's why Labout are so far behind in the polls and voters are not coming out to vote labour he is an absolute fucking disaster for the party

HelenaDove · 17/01/2017 23:30

Aw Vindaloo shes lovely Thanks Smile

my girl cat passed away back in October. I love and miss her every day.

To not want to date a tory?
justanotheryoungmother · 17/01/2017 23:38

I spiritually relate to this so much- no, I could never date a Tory Blush

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 17/01/2017 23:40

Do people now decide their political affiliation, and vote for that party regardless of policies, manifestos and leaders, then?
Cos I was of the understanding that you were supposed to consider each election and each party on its own merits - I voted Lib Dem once, then voted labour next time, as the Lib Dems had insane education policies in their manifesto the next time around.
I don't think I've voted the same way in any two consecutive elections. I don't feel any political tribe is 'mine', it's just a bunch of people saying 'we want to be in charge because blah blah and do X,y &z' each time. You pick the best fit, and vote, no?

Servicesupportforall · 17/01/2017 23:41

There's is nothing less sexy than total agreement and capitulation.

hot sex is opposites

LouisevilleLlama · 17/01/2017 23:42

That's what I thought also but many do not

BadKnee · 17/01/2017 23:46

I get the bus and the tube . I work. I go out. I am out and about all the time.

I occasionally see a shiney-shooed, blazered Tory. I sometimes see a sandal-wearing, veggie-munching Loony-Lefty. I even see that rare bird the ineffectual, smiling, wishy-washy Lib Demmer and the odd white-vest clad, shaven -headed UKIP voter.

But all the rest are normal, reasonable, randomly dressed people.

So who the fuck do all these others vote for??? Grin

Baylisiana · 17/01/2017 23:47

DP and I have totally different political positions and views on many things. In fact before we met people had said to both us they wanted to introduce us as we'd have great arguments (we do!). Sometimes it is difficult but I would say it can definitely work if the following apply -

  1. You look past the label and examine who they really are as a person. People have different reasons for labelling themselves left or right and the instincts that led to it might not be what you think. They might not fit in that much with the label they have adopted. Do you find the person underneath compassionate, or in keeping with your values? That will count for much more. Often when DP and I disagree on something I find when we really break it down that we don't disagree on the core thing, just come at it from very different angles.
  2. As with above, it forces you to examine things deeply. On the surface there is a clash, so you keep digging and look at issues more meaningfully. It also challenges you both, you don't get complacent and only hear what you want to hear from people who already agree with you. You will both have more balanced and better thought out views in the end.
  3. It can be fun if you both enjoy heated discussions but can set them aside and not take them too personally. Or if you are both happy to never talk about these things. What wouldn't work is wanting to talk about them but taking it too personally.
  4. You have to respect each other, and be sure you are not at risk of seeing them as less intelligent/kind/thoughtful due to their views.

If someone has really thought about things, their politics will not be a surface thing and you will not really know their significance till you dig a bit deeper. If they haven't thought about it much then they probably don't even really understand what they are saying and may well change their mind.

We all change anyway.

BadKnee · 17/01/2017 23:50

Baylisiana A very wise post.

NumberOneTricky · 17/01/2017 23:51

It depends on your temperaments.

If you're both able to enjoy a healthy debate, disagree on political issues but then put all that aside to happily watch Breaking Bad together and have some good sex you'll be fine. But if you're the kind of people to lie awake at night seething and thinking 'I can't bloody believe he thinks the NHS should be privatised' and 'I can't bloody believe she thinks the NHS shouldn't be privatised' well then it's best not to go out with someone who has drastically different political views.

I know my character and I know I certainly couldn't date a Tory. I used to think I could shag Zac Goldsmith as my guilty Tory sex secret but I've gone right off him too since his vile behaviour last year. At this point if I had to shag a Tory it would probably be Ken Clarke. He's the only one who talks sense. I'd lie back and think of Europe!

GloriaGaynor · 17/01/2017 23:56

I'd lie back and think of Europe!

Baylisiana · 17/01/2017 23:56

Update ...DP and I are now arguing about this issue Grin

He has referenced this from his copy of 'More Sex, Lies and the Ballot Box'...

To not want to date a tory?