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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bully and party invite

339 replies

bonnieweelass · 17/01/2017 12:52

My DD is going to be 9 in a few weeks and is at school in scotland. There are two classes for her age group due to pupil numbers and every year they tend to change pupils around. There's another wee girl (let's call her jenny) who until this year, with the exception of primary 1, has been in the other class.

Jenny has taken a real dislike to my DD this year. Kicking, pulling hair, shouting, scratching. DD has not yet retaliated but I worry it will happen as she's getting more wound up by jenny.

Jenny's mum until this year was a teacher at the school but now teaches elsewhere.

I've spoken to the school twice now both by phone and by letter. Most recent call was yesterday so will see if anything changes. Both girls were spoken to apparently but Jenny refused to apologise or shake hands DD tells me.

However DD has given out her party invites. I told her not to exclude Jenny because she needs to be kind even if Jenny is not. DH number on the invite and we've just had this text from Jenny's mum:

"I am texting you with regards to the invitation we have received to your child's party. Jenny will not be attending this party".

I'm a bit Hmm as there's no "thank you" or "sorry" and it's all really formal, not even mentioning DDs name which she knows having taught DD two years ago.

DH has not replied, he's just shrugged his shoulders and said "tossers".

What do MNetters think?

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 20/01/2017 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonrach · 20/01/2017 07:03

Im impressed jennys mum let you know they wont coming. Id have not invited her but luckily theyve turned it down so your dd can enjoy her party. Dont give her text any more thought. She let you know thats polite. If shes like every other person shes busy and did it quickly without thinking.

HookandSwan · 20/01/2017 07:05

You have the moral high ground, you have taught your daughter to be kind even to a nasty bully and invited her to the party.

Feel good about that and don't worry about the mum she's clearly raising her daughter to be rude and your raising your daughter to be a good person so you will win in this situation.

lottieandmia · 20/01/2017 09:48

I think there is a time to be the bigger person but really that doesn't reasonably extend to inviting someone who has inflicted violence on a child to their birthday party. Being the bigger person is rising above it in the future. Inviting a child who has been unkind can take the heat out of the feud in certain situations but it sounds like this is not one of them at all.

LagunaBubbles · 20/01/2017 09:49

Ds has been bullied. If I was inviting the whole class I would have invited his bully

And that is something we will never agree on. No way would I ever have invited the bully who terrorised my child psychologically and attacked him physically on a regular (so much so he was charged twice and we eventually had to move house as it was my neighbours son). I dont need to be a "better person" or "take the moral high ground", I dont care about sending messages out to the bully or the bullys parents - all I ever wanted was for him to leave my son alone and all I cared about was protecting my son and his self-esteem. Inviting someone like that to his party - wtf actual message was that sending to my son? That i cared more about being kind to his bully than him?? Dont think so!

LagunaBubbles · 20/01/2017 09:50

You have the moral high ground, you have taught your daughter to be kind even to a nasty bully and invited her to the party

I would rather teach my son the message that his feelings matter more than the bullies.

NavyandWhite · 20/01/2017 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HookandSwan · 20/01/2017 11:06

LagunaBubbles I totally agree but also we are talking about a child and excluding her is unkind.

The OPs child's feeling absolutely do matter, and I wouldn't want to invite a bully either but sometimes you have to at least try and be the bigger person.

It's a good life lesson.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 20/01/2017 11:09

I would be delighted Jenny wasn't coming ( but wouldn't have had a whole class party or invited her in the first place if she was bullying my kid).

Timeforteaplease · 20/01/2017 11:24

Inviting someone like that to his party - wtf actual message was that sending to my son? That i cared more about being kind to his bully than him??
This!
Who gives a toss whether the Bully's feelings are hurt or she feels excluded. Not me. I'd only be interested in creating a safe place for my child to enjoy their party and relax with friends.

Timeforteaplease · 20/01/2017 11:50

I think some people hold kids to a higher standard than they do adults.

An adult would never ask someone who was threatening them and/or being violent with them to a party or round for dinner. So why do we expect kids to do it? If somebody is bullying you, you cut them out of your life, not invite them in.

LagunaBubbles · 20/01/2017 11:54

LagunaBubbles I totally agree but also we are talking about a child and excluding her is unkind.

It is not unkind to exclude a bully. Yes only my opinion.

LagunaBubbles · 20/01/2017 11:58

The OPs child's feeling absolutely do matter, and I wouldn't want to invite a bully either but sometimes you have to at least try and be the bigger person

Why? I dont think you do. Why does someone need to feel the "bigger person" anyway when its your own childs feelings that are more important. My sons feelings matter more to me than theirs. And I dont necessarily agree either that inviting the bully is you being the "bigger or better person", I think that mindset makes you passive to letting other people treat you badly in life.

LagunaBubbles · 20/01/2017 12:02

Laguna you are talking about what has happened with your child. I can't say that you are wrong to not invite a child that has put your child through that. I'm just telling you that I wouldn't not invite them if the whole class were invited

Of course Im talking about what happened with my own child, fairly standard experience at the hands of a bully. Navy are you seriously saying if your child was being bullied and you sat and had to patch up the emotional and physical scars, constantly worried about their safety and watched their confidence ebbing away on a daily basis...you would actually invite the perpetrator to your childs party? Really? If so then I really dont get it and Im glad I dont get that either because I feel thats insane.

CaraAspen · 20/01/2017 12:07

"londonrach

Im impressed jennys mum let you know they wont coming. Id have not invited her but luckily theyve turned it down so your dd can enjoy her party. Dont give her text any more thought. She let you know thats polite. If shes like every other person shes busy and did it quickly without thinking."

The bully's mother was seething... which is good. The crime of her "polite" message was far too formal so clearly the OP's invitation had struck a jangling chord.

CaraAspen · 20/01/2017 12:07

"londonrach

Im impressed jennys mum let you know they wont coming. Id have not invited her but luckily theyve turned it down so your dd can enjoy her party. Dont give her text any more thought. She let you know thats polite. If shes like every other person shes busy and did it quickly without thinking."

The bully's mother was seething... which is good. The tone of her "polite" message was far too formal so clearly the OP's invitation had struck a jangling chord."

NavyandWhite · 20/01/2017 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/01/2017 12:48

I was the victim of bullying from the age of 10 to 16, and I still bear the psychological scars.

It would be a cold day in hell before I invited any child who had bullied one of mine to any social occasion whatsoever.

I wonder if ANY of the posters who are saying that inviting the bully was the right thing to do, and was a good life lesson, would invite someone who was bullying them to a party?

And can they explain why it is a 'good life lesson' for a child to be bullied and/or made miserable by the presence of the bully at their own birthday party? All it teaches the child is that the bully can do what they want to them, and there will be no negative consequences for the bully - only for the victim!

Frankly, I think it would be a damn good 'life lesson' for the bully NOT to be invited to a whole class party - it might show them that what they are doing is not acceptable.

Floggingmolly · 20/01/2017 13:17

Well exactly, STD. There's a life lesson in there alright; but it's not one I'd be teaching my child...
How did your child enjoy his party, NavyandWhite? Hmm

CatThiefKeith · 20/01/2017 13:30

I'm with STD on this. My neice went through a prolonged period (4 - 7ish) of being a bully and a not very nice child to be around. My dsis used to say 'if she's that bad how comes she gets invited to so many parties'?

It was only when the party invites dried up and nobody at school wanted to be her friend that dsis took it seriously and addressed the issues.

I'm pleased to say that now, aged 9, DN is a happy, kind and confident child with lots of new friends, but she had to change schools to get there.

misshelena · 20/01/2017 13:40

Timefortea: "An adult would never ask someone who was threatening them and/or being violent with them to a party or round for dinner. So why do we expect kids to do it?"

We don't "expect" kids to do it. We DO IT to them!

KERALA1 · 20/01/2017 13:45

I met DH at work. His immediate boss was a friend of mine. She was lovely to me but utterly vile to him (and other junior staff members) to the extent HR were involved. Like fuck was she invited to our wedding. Why is this any different.

Also this getting to feel like the bigger person. Its at your child's expense.

Timeforteaplease · 20/01/2017 13:53

How would you advise an adult friend who had been assaulted (kicking, pulling hair, shouting, scratching) by another adult?
Would you tell them
a) to be kind to the person who assaulted them, and invite them into their home/party/other social event?

b) or steer clear, stay safe and avoid contact?

I honestly do not have a clue why anybody thinks it is OK to make a kid invite somebody to their birthday party when that person has attacked them.

Timeforteaplease · 20/01/2017 13:58

To all those PC parents who would invite a bully who has assaulted their child:
You are supposed to protect your child.
You are supposed to listen to your child.
You are supposed to put their needs first.
You are supposed to provide them with a safe place away from crap like this.

You are absolutely not supposed to put the feelings and needs of the Bully ahead of those of your own child.

LagunaBubbles · 20/01/2017 14:00

It wasn't as physical and emotional by the sounds of what your DC went through but please stop trying to minimise what I would do. It's not right. We disagree with it's perfectly fine but leave it there

What you Navy call "minimise" I call complete madness and putting a bullies feelings before your own childs, which I think is disgusting actually.