Bully and party invite

[bonnieweelass]

My DD is going to be 9 in a few weeks and is at school in scotland. There are two classes for her age group due to pupil numbers and every year they tend to change pupils around. There's another wee girl (let's call her jenny) who until this year, with the exception of primary 1, has been in the other class.

Jenny has taken a real dislike to my DD this year. Kicking, pulling hair, shouting, scratching. DD has not yet retaliated but I worry it will happen as she's getting more wound up by jenny.

Jenny's mum until this year was a teacher at the school but now teaches elsewhere.

I've spoken to the school twice now both by phone and by letter. Most recent call was yesterday so will see if anything changes. Both girls were spoken to apparently but Jenny refused to apologise or shake hands DD tells me.

However DD has given out her party invites. I told her not to exclude Jenny because she needs to be kind even if Jenny is not. DH number on the invite and we've just had this text from Jenny's mum:

"I am texting you with regards to the invitation we have received to your child's party. Jenny will not be attending this party".

I'm a bit as there's no "thank you" or "sorry" and it's all really formal, not even mentioning DDs name which she knows having taught DD two years ago.

DH has not replied, he's just shrugged his shoulders and said "tossers".

What do MNetters think?

Navy Its all very well telling a bunch of strangers on the internet that you would be the "better person" by inviting your childs bully to their party but its a different matter altogether if you actually would do it.

Also this getting to feel like the bigger person. Its at your child's expense

Totally agree with this. Its quite sad really and says quite a lot about someone who would do that.

I would just have to reply to that, I couldn't leave it there!

She's an ex teacher & probably bffs with the head so she'll be getting a different story.
Again I wouldn't be able to leave that, I'd ask demand an incident book set up and every incident logged. If the school still not doing anything I'd be havibg a meeting & saying its nit acceptable to be treatibg this differently because you're friends with the mum

Both mum and dd are tossers

That text says Jenny's mum thinks your DD (not hers) is the problem.

Fact the school asked them both to apologise and shake hands also says to me that it hasn't been one sided.

Have school confirmed your DD's version of events (i.e. all the attacks by Jenny, nothing from your DD). If not, I'd tread carefully as you don't really have the full picture.

Navy: "We disagree with it's perfectly fine but leave it there*"

So Navy -- why don't you? Why do you keep responding? Why must you have the last word? You can absolutely unilaterally stop this argument between you two!

Also, the reason why it feels to you like Laguna is picking on you is because you are the most vocal of the proponents of being the "bigger person" at the expense of protecting your own DC. Don't take it personally.

Are you absolutely sure Jenny is the bully?

Navy - would you invite someone who had bullied you physically, mentally or psychologically to a party you were giving?

And what lesson does it teach your child and the bully, if you make your child invite the bully to their party? I would say it tells your child that you aren't really listening to them, don't care about their pain, and are putting the bully's feelings above those of your own child, and teaches the bully that they can get away with bullying.

If you know that the presence of the bully at the party will make your child unhappy, why would you do that? Why is it a good thing to do to your child?

I cannot comprehend why someone would force their child to entertain their bully at their birthday party. I was bullies and afraid and miserable every single day at school, from age 10 to 16. Outside school, away from the bullies, was my only sanctuary, my safe space. You can't take that away from a victim of bullying and tell me that is a good thing to do.

Navy: "We disagree with it's perfectly fine but leave it there*"

misshelena: "So Navy -- why don't you? Why do you keep responding? Why must you have the last word? You can absolutely unilaterally stop this argument between you two!"

Navy: "Don't want to be accused of sculking off and ignoring people now."

Sooo... which is it??

I stand by my opinion Navy whether you agree or not or respect it or not that inviting your child's bully to your own child's party is disgusting.

Schools making the bully and the victim apologize and shake hands is the stupidest thing ever! This just gives the bully more opportunity to terrorize the victim. I can't believe any school is still doing this nonsense.

YANBU but I can't believe you invited your child's bully to the party, tbh. Sounds like they certainly should not be in the same class.

I'm guessing that Jenny told her mum that your daughter is bullying her. Still an extremely rude reply, especially from an ex teacher of your daughter.

You just did, Navy.

You just did, Navy.

You just did, Navy.

Well this thread got nasty

Bloody hell I feel sorry for your daughter that this girl's (who is bullying her) feelings were put before your daughter's feelings. And so making her own birthday party a place she couldn't even feel entirely safe.

Just send the mum a quick 'thanks for your prompt reply, we're sorry Jenny can't attend' text and leave it at that.