Bully and party invite

[bonnieweelass]

My DD is going to be 9 in a few weeks and is at school in scotland. There are two classes for her age group due to pupil numbers and every year they tend to change pupils around. There's another wee girl (let's call her jenny) who until this year, with the exception of primary 1, has been in the other class.

Jenny has taken a real dislike to my DD this year. Kicking, pulling hair, shouting, scratching. DD has not yet retaliated but I worry it will happen as she's getting more wound up by jenny.

Jenny's mum until this year was a teacher at the school but now teaches elsewhere.

I've spoken to the school twice now both by phone and by letter. Most recent call was yesterday so will see if anything changes. Both girls were spoken to apparently but Jenny refused to apologise or shake hands DD tells me.

However DD has given out her party invites. I told her not to exclude Jenny because she needs to be kind even if Jenny is not. DH number on the invite and we've just had this text from Jenny's mum:

"I am texting you with regards to the invitation we have received to your child's party. Jenny will not be attending this party".

I'm a bit as there's no "thank you" or "sorry" and it's all really formal, not even mentioning DDs name which she knows having taught DD two years ago.

DH has not replied, he's just shrugged his shoulders and said "tossers".

What do MNetters think?

I do agree that teaching children to be kind to people who bully them or nasty to them can lead them to have difficulties in adult relationships, such as people pleasing traits in their personalities. The world is made up of all different adults, and being a people pleaser, with people that take advantage and don't deserve it causes all sorts of difficulties. You see it day in day out on threads here.

No Navy I didn't claim - I stated my opinion - not that you were disgusting - go back and read what I said before you make something else up about me - but that inviting someone who has bullied your child to their party is disgusting - the actual act is disgusting because it's putting the bullies feelings before your child's.

Navy in case you haven't realised it's an Internet forum, you don't get to Police what people are allowed to say.

OP I've said it before and I'll say it again. I think you did a very good thing encouraging (NOT forcing as some PP have implied) your DD to include Jenny in spite of her behaviour.
I think that your DD has seen you stick up for her with the school, you have shown her that you won't accept her being bullied, but that there is always a high road when it comes your time to make decisions.
And well done to your DD on her certificate, that's a very special thing.

"LagunaBubbles

I do agree that teaching children to be kind to people who bully them or nasty to them can lead them to have difficulties in adult relationships, such as people pleasing traits in their personalities. The world is made up of all different adults, and being a people pleaser, with people that take advantage and don't deserve it causes all sorts of difficulties. You see it day in day out on threads here."
Good grief. That's a bit of a leap.

No it's not Cara, I see it day in day out in my job to. You don't need to agree with me obviously but I see the psychological effects of being raised to feel that other people's feelings matter more than your own. It is a danger. Of course one incident doesn't automatically mean this, that would be ridiculous but if a child is raised with this message then this can happen.

Navy it is clearly you who can't read, the act of inviting a bully is disgusting - that's not backtracking because at no point did I say you were disgusting. Not the same thing.

The OP is teaching her child the right way. It's not about showing her she is less important - the very opposite, in fact. It is teaching her that it is not necessary to be vindictive.

No Navy sigh I don't "obviously think you're disgusting - how can I - I dont even know you? I think it's disgusting to put a bullies feelings over your child's, that's all - a disgusting act, if you can't see the difference then we could go round in circles all day. We will never agree so need to leave it at that.

At no point in the last post you've quoted with a "there you go" gave I called you disgusting either.

"NavyandWhite

Yesterday 15:20 LagunaBubbles

I stand by my opinion Navy whether you agree or not or respect it or not that inviting your child's bully to your own child's party is disgusting.

There you go."

To be fair , that "disgusting" is a reference to such behaviour or actions, not you personally.

It wasn't a personal attack because it wasn't aimed at you, Navy. Laguna sad the act of inviting your kid's bully to their party is disgusting; a view shared by most people on this thread.
If you're so certain you've got the moral high ground, why does it actually matter what other people think?

@NavyandWhite - I disagree that saying someone has done something disgusting is a PA way of calling them disgusting. I think it is separating the deed and the doer (I first heard it described as loving the sinner but hating the sin - but that might have overly religious overtones for some).

It is a principle I used, when bringing up the children - ie. I tried not to say that they were bad, but that they had done a bad thing - labelling the deed not the child. I thought this was a fairly mainstream thing.

Going back to the topic - I do worry that encouraging/persuading/making a child invite their bully to their party is a bad thing to do - because it teaches the child that they should put up with - and even reward - bad behaviour towards them.

I am sure we all want our children to be treated with respect, and we want them to know that they don't have to put up with being treated badly by anyone else. We don't want them to know that it is OK for the bully to victimise them - and so we tell our child that it is OK for them to tell a teacher or us that they are being bullied, and we expect the school to deal firmly and appropriately with the bullying.

We would not be happy if the school's response to a child bullying our child was to reward the bully with a party - that would be completely inappropriate. We want boundaries put in place, and appropriate sanctions, to teach the bully that their behaviour is unacceptable.

Above all, we want our child to be safe.

But then some people want to throw that out of the window entirely, when it comes to inviting children to a party. They think it is a good lesson for their own child, that the bully gets rewarded with a party invite, and that someone who doesn't respect them enough to treat them decently, still has to be treated decently in return, and we show them that their own party is not a safe place for them, by inviting the person who has hurt them repeatedly into it.

This baffles me.

I think people said it was a disgusting thing to do because they think it is a disgusting thing to do, @NavyandWhite - not just because they disagreed with it.

To me, making a child invite their bully to their party is akin to saying, "Yes, I know that X has hit you/kicked you/excluded you/called you names/isolated you/made you cry/made you afraid every school day - but that doesn't matter - you still have to entertain them to your party. Their feelings of being left out of a party matter more to me than your feelings of hurt and fear".

I doubt anyone would actually say that to their child - it would be a pretty disgusting thing to say - but to my mind, that is what you are telling them when you make them invite the bully. And yes, I think that is a pretty dreadful thing to say to a child.

How would you describe it, then, Navy, when you (not you specifically - you meaning the bullied child's parent) tacitly tell a child that their bully's feelings matter more than their own feelings, and that you are happy to risk them being bullied at their own party?

Because the bottom line is that, if you invite the bully, they may well bully your child at their party. How would you describe that?