To have called in sick (again!) and now not know what to do?

[username1317]

I've been ill with a string of back to back colds/fluey viruses since before Christmas. I have a toddler in nursery who of course gets everything and brings it home.

I had a long break at Christmas but was really ill with an awful cough and cold for all of it and we went to stay with family for a week (was planned for ages and they live the other side of the uk so rarely get to see them) which with lo wasn't very restful. When is Christmas with kids!

I've had quite a few days off here and there since being back. Some mornings after no sleep with ill toddler on top of being ill myself I just can't imagine getting through a day's work. Some days he's been ill and I've had to stay home with him rather than send him to nursery. Whenever I've been off he's been home (two times I was off sick nursery phoned me to pick him up because he was sick too) so I don't feel I've really had any time to rest or get better. I had to call DH home from work yesterday and Friday because I was too ill to look after toddler all day.

To add to the mire I've just told my boss that I'm planning on leaving. Not officially handed in my notice yet but said I plan to soon and would spend the next however many weeks getting things ship shape to pass on to someone else. It's a stressful job in a disorganised organisation. Boss appreciated me telling them and stressed how highly they regard me.

I've just called in sick again (was off at the end of last week) and sent my boss an email saying I need to actually rest and get better rather than drag myself in and hang on by the skin of my teeth again until I can't do it any more and have to take another random day. I stressed this had nothing to do with my decision to leave but is just terrible timing and I want to get better so I can do a good job.

DH and DS have just left in the dark to do a day at work / nursery and I'm here in bed with the house to myself for the first time in 18 months. I think I'm having some kind of existential crisis! I feel so guilty but at the same time so full of dread at the idea of more struggling through illness and sleep deprivation.

Have a done the right thing and what the hell do I do with my day to properly rest but not feel like a useless lay about? How on earth do other working mums get through winter with constant illnesses? Am I just rubbish at life?

There is a nasty virus going around this winter causing a cough for weeks

Yes such virri do spread very well indeed being usually droplet and airborne people travel on trains and coaches and spread it that way it can go most anywhere very quickly by such a transmission route!.

Gosh, I think some of you are being harsh on the OP. She's hasn't had enough sleep to get by, she has then become ill with viruses which have taken their toll! She isn't taking time off work "because she is a little tired"! OP I feel for you and yes it is hard. Most small children are ill a lot and then some gets passed on to you as you can't work if you are looking after an ill child! As for people asking why isn't her DH getting involved well lots don't you know! Hope you feel better OP and find a job with less stress.

Like many others on here, I don't have enough sleep to get by. Fitbit reckons 4 - 5 hours a night. Such is life. I have colds (asthmatic so they hit me hard) and coughs but turn up day after day. As do so many people on here. I think that is why some people are being a bit hard. It's life - some people just get on with it however hard it is, some people need special treatment.

Depends as well if others are put out by your absence.

If I was your manager, given what you have told us you have told them about intending to leave as well as your sickness absence record, I think I would be talking to you about what measures you are going to put in place to improve matters, or discussing an exit plan. S/he will probably be thinking that you are on something of a go slow having made the decision to move on. I think if that isn't the case you should try and improve the situation, especially if you are reliant on them for a reference. (Most references ask for disclosure of sickness absence in the last two years).

I hate when these threads turn into competitive tiredness comparisons.

OP your DH working/being self employed is not a good enough reason for you to be on your knees with tiredness.
Repeated illnesses indicate your immune system is a bit shot. What is your diet like? Do you need multi vitamins?
Also, general hygiene at home and when you're out, including meticulous hand hygiene can help stop picking up as many bugs.

And lastly if you're off work sick, go to bed, stay in bed and SLEEP. AIBU is the last place you need to be hanging out for rest and relaxation!

OMG
OK I've just read a few really pages of this so far, and I am really surprised about how unsympathetic some responders are. I'm a manager, but I am sane one. If one of my employees dragged themselves in when they were as ill and miserable as the OP is I'd think they were very off their rocker. The bottom line is that most organisations squeeze people like lemons and discard them when they are wrung out. That's not nice, but its true. At the end of the day you know that you are ill and need the rest and frankly performing below par and possibly spreading the lurgies is in no-one's interest. OP, you stick up for yourself to yourself! Don't listen to the voices that play to your paranoia about how your sickness is being perceived. Also... would it help you to realise that when you're properly gone from the job, that they will have to crack on with it anyway? Get well soon, OP and if your manager is decent that's all they will be hoping for.

OP - a pharmacist can listen to your chest and tell you if you have an infection etc. easier than GP

When DC is ill I insist my DH takes every other day off with DC until they are better. That way my sick record does not look so bad. We do earn about the same money though.

Get sleep properly at the weekend and go to bed early. Stop being a malingerer.

Did you say you are taking sick days when your child is sick? You shouldn't be doing that. Annual leave or unpaid leave.
I think you need to balance your time a bit more. IMO, you can't be ill Mon - Fri regularly and then be really busy doing fun things at the weekend or over the holidays. That is an easy way to annoy colleagues who are possibly having more low key weekends/annual leave intentionally.
If you need a recovery day, sort your weekend out to do just that. Make DH take your child out for a day at the weekend & sleep (or just hide in the bedroom and ignore them).

Dh is self employed so is normally the first port of call if ds is off ill. It's a financial hit for us but we normally find clients are understanding if you are honest and keep then up to date. Ds quickly got used to it being either mum or dad there when he was ill.

It sounds like you are at the end of your tether and are having trouble seeing the woods for the trees.
I am worried that you might be on the verge of being depressed. You need to take a step back and ask yourself if it is really possible to do the job you are doing and be a mum. Being a mum is the most important and in the early years, you may have to just take a drop in lifestyle to manage it. You say you r husband and son left in the dark, I think you feel that you and your son are missing out on this important time in his life. Take some time to be objective and ask yourself how you really feel

Hot bottle fluids sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Chicken Soup. Sleep. And again tomorrow.

I know this won't help you op but I really hate the way sickness pay and employment rights seem to be getting eroded. A few people do take the P and throw sickies for nothing but the rest of us should be able to have time off when we are ill and be paid for it as it is just better for everyone. You are less likely to pass in your illness and more likely to be productive long term.

However it sounds like your current boss is understanding. If you are about to start something new you need to try and be as fit as possible. Can you possibly afford to just take a week off and rest rest rest? See your GP as well. You would not be being a lay about. You are a really important member of your family. People rely on you. So you need to try and sort this if only so you can continue looking after your son and being a partner to your husband.

But this will pass. Your DS will have an iron clad immune system as he gets older and as the nights get lighter and the weather warms up I hope you will all feel better and more energetic. Hang in there!

I had walking pneumonia. Whilst I didn't feel great, I'd been plodding along and thought it was a cold. I only saw my GP because DH was pissed off with me coughing and made an appointment for me. I was very apologetic going in with what I thought was a cold.

I hope you've had a useful appointment with your GP and that you start to feel better soon.

OP I know that feeling of not sleeping more than 3hrs a night for a year then struggling into work. It was unbearable. Maybe you attend to your child during the night cos you're breastfeeding? You need to cut yourself some slack: commit to some serious baby sleep training so you can have more sleep, can you switch to formula bottles for nighttime feeds? can you get rid of the dummy (a few days of pain for a future life of ease?), if you and your partner both work full-time you'll have to insist on splitting childcare 50/50 - why is it that your work is allowed to suffer but not his? Are you taking any multi vitamins and / or protein drinks as you sound completely rundown. I hope things start to improve soon. There are a fair few things you can action now which will hopefully give you some respite. I know it might not feel like you've any options but you have, even if they're small. Ultimately, be kind to yourself and ask for help and take it and rest whenever you can.

Hi Op
Why did you tell you boss you were intending to leave before you gave notice? That's what notice if for. Your boss prob thinks you don't care now.
If my kids are sick I do have local family who will have them but if you don't then I can't see any option but to have a day off. If you have a cold you should take paracetamol and go to work. If you have a productive cough then you need a GP and maybe anti - B's to clear it.
You shouldn't be in MN - get some sleep.
Having said all of that I have 4 DC and worked full time until Christmas. I gave up my job (teacher) then as I had similar to you, constant coughs and colds, sick kids and a stressful job. I just felt as though I was unsuccessfully treading water and something had to give. It's the best thing I could have done, yes we're less well off but I'm healthier, happier and able to recharge. Will work agin in September after being rested but will go for something part time. Quit work if you possibly can and enjoy your children whilst they are little. It feels really good to be writing this with a cuppa right now rather than rushing for work prep and feeling guilty that I wasn't on top of everything. Good resting and good luck. X

I work and have kids. My to do list is endless and it's tempting to burn the candle at both ends day after day, week after week, month after month etc. But you get to a point where you're constantly knackered and getting run down and ill all the time. You end up in a downward spiral.
You need to make changes.
It is OK to schedule in rest! It is not the same as being lazy. If you take a day off sick. Rest and recuperate. Don't keep busy and then stay ill, that's not doing, you, your family or your place of work any favours.
Go to bed earlier, take care of yourself.

Don't feel bad about taking time off to look after yourself properly, your health is the most important thing, without it nothing else works! If you keep going you'll really crash at some point.

I'm a manager to a large team some have small children (ditto for me) people should be happy and healthy at the job that way they will deliver much better results and it makes for a much better working environment.

Not sure how old yours is but the first year of nursery is a nightmare after the first summer they (and you) will get far less ill.

Good luck & spoil yourself!

Do you work full time op? Perhaps cutting back rather than stopping completely would help. I work three days and have two still under three, zero sick days taken, have needed unpaid leave a couple of days when they have been sick though. Tiredness/a cold you just battle through imo, cutting back hours if it is all too much beats taking the piss with sick days

Whilst I understand that you are feeling ill (I am 20 weeks pregnant and have had 2 colds in the last month) I really do think you are taking time off too easily. Kids have colds for about the first 5 years of their lives almost constantly! And I really, really don't understand why you are saying you have 3 hours sleep a night when you have a DH as well. Take turns to get up with the toddler, do alternate nights, you both have jobs, you both deserve a full nights sleep!

People with more kids and no DH cope

Forgot to add, well enough to visit family on the other side of the country and then need time off work/nursery, perhaps cancelling that visit and resting when you had time off work would have been more beneficial, family would understand that you are ill...

I agree with northern, you must get some rest as you'll not get better if you're constantly run down. You probably feel guilty, but still ...

In recent years I had a bit of a cough which wouldn't go away. I ignored it but was persuaded to see the GP who diagnosed pneumonia. After six weeks of antibiotics (and lolling about on the sofa) I eventually got better.

I thought that only the old and vulnerable got this, but not so. My lovely neighbours did the shopping for me - I wouldn't have got better without their help. Good luck and get well.

As an employer (in a small business that employs 12 people), we try and be responsible (and legal!) about sick pay. Yes, it cripples us when we have people off - missed deadlines, lost sales, cancelled meetings and pissed off customers etc. but we have to take this on the chin. And of course we log how much time individuals are off. We also try to give as much flexibility as we can to employees (like working from home) to cope with one-off child care crises, other emergencies and the occasional request to attend "my DS school concert" or whatever. The big no-no is regularly taking time off to look after sick children. When you took the job, you should have factored in that small children get sick - especially in their first few years in school or nursery. If you (either as a single parent or as a couple) cannot make these arrangements, you don't work. Otherwise, you are, in effect, asking your employer to pay for something that is your responsibility. End of.