To have called in sick (again!) and now not know what to do?

[username1317]

I've been ill with a string of back to back colds/fluey viruses since before Christmas. I have a toddler in nursery who of course gets everything and brings it home.

I had a long break at Christmas but was really ill with an awful cough and cold for all of it and we went to stay with family for a week (was planned for ages and they live the other side of the uk so rarely get to see them) which with lo wasn't very restful. When is Christmas with kids!

I've had quite a few days off here and there since being back. Some mornings after no sleep with ill toddler on top of being ill myself I just can't imagine getting through a day's work. Some days he's been ill and I've had to stay home with him rather than send him to nursery. Whenever I've been off he's been home (two times I was off sick nursery phoned me to pick him up because he was sick too) so I don't feel I've really had any time to rest or get better. I had to call DH home from work yesterday and Friday because I was too ill to look after toddler all day.

To add to the mire I've just told my boss that I'm planning on leaving. Not officially handed in my notice yet but said I plan to soon and would spend the next however many weeks getting things ship shape to pass on to someone else. It's a stressful job in a disorganised organisation. Boss appreciated me telling them and stressed how highly they regard me.

I've just called in sick again (was off at the end of last week) and sent my boss an email saying I need to actually rest and get better rather than drag myself in and hang on by the skin of my teeth again until I can't do it any more and have to take another random day. I stressed this had nothing to do with my decision to leave but is just terrible timing and I want to get better so I can do a good job.

DH and DS have just left in the dark to do a day at work / nursery and I'm here in bed with the house to myself for the first time in 18 months. I think I'm having some kind of existential crisis! I feel so guilty but at the same time so full of dread at the idea of more struggling through illness and sleep deprivation.

Have a done the right thing and what the hell do I do with my day to properly rest but not feel like a useless lay about? How on earth do other working mums get through winter with constant illnesses? Am I just rubbish at life?

Why is daddy not taking some time off, doing his share of nights, housework etc?
You are one of 2 parents...

Get your cough checked, rest even if you have to say I'm ill going to bed so baby needs feeding bag preparing etc....Have you thought there is any chance you have PND?

Why is daddy not taking some time off, doing his share of nights, housework etc? - Jannier the OP said in her last post he is doing his share of nights, he has also come home twice in the last week alone to look after his family, but he is self-employed so the consequences of him taking time off are probably more serious than for the OP, who presumably is at least getting sick pay.

How on earth do other working mums get through winter with constant illnesses?

We don't have constant illnesses! I have several children, two of them have had a cold this winter. That's it. I only hear about these children who are constantly sick on MN, not in RL.

Could you book a weeks AL and used that to rest, make good nutricious food and fill the freezer with the same?

I always think that cold viruses you can work through. Although you feel awful, it doesnt actually make much of a difference to your performance.

I think a GP appointment would be a good place to start. If you have been coughing for mor ethan 3 weeks you need to see a GP. I would mention the fatigue and ask them to check thyroid and iron. Do you take any supplements? Now might be a good time to start. I found that when I started taking a multi vitamin all those coldflu things stopped.

Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting any exercise?

I sympathise, OP. I have no toddler, but have had this plague since early December. I did have a few days off before Christmas when I just couldn't get out of bed, but now I'm spluttering and sneezing my way through the working day, then pretty much spending evenings and weekends in bed. I had a course of ABs for sinusitis, but it's just come back! It seems to be a particularly nasty virus this year. I'm a teacher and I think every single person I teach has it (currently supervising a student doing an assessment who is struggling to write between blowing his nose...).

I've got two under fives who don't always sleep. Had my share of coughs, colds on top of a permanent chronic pain condition. I eat well and rely on coffee when needed. No sick days, I hate the thought of others having to do my work. In would only be sick for something like surgery.

Are you really calling in sick because you haven't slept properly?

Why not? I was so sleep deprived I actually fell asleep in a meeting once. If you're that tired you shouldn't be in work because you're not capable of doing your job.

Btw, this whole "DH earns more than me so I have to take time off to look after ill child" is a terrible attitude. I doubt your employer has sympathy for that situation - parents have equal responsibility for their children and the sooner that becomes a mainstream attitude the better

Agree with this. It is constantly trotted out on MN. Plenty of us are up all night with children but then still get up and go to work in the morning. No decent husband would have a full nights sleep every night while the mother of his child is ill and constantly waking at night to deal with an ill child.

Agree with pps to see your GP and get screened for thyroid issues, vit D, anaemia etc.
It's clearly a really difficult time but what comes across is a lack of commitment to your job which your manager will not appreciate. It isn't something you can pick up and put down again.
Would it be possible for you to consider other work, perhaps on a self employed ad hoc basis like temp admin supply or being a cleaner?
I wouldn't resign because it will affect any benefit claim you might make but if you're struggling to maintain adequate attendance I'm sure your manager would be open to a negotiated mutually acceptable exit rather than have to go down a lengthy disciplinary route.

I've just spoken to my boss who said she thinks I'm doing the right thing, has kids herself and knows what it's like when they're small and knows that I wouldn't be taking time off unless I needed it because I care about my work and worry too much.

I've got a GP appointment this avo and until then I'm going back to bed (and hoping beyond hope that I don't get another call from nursery to say DS is too ill to be there).

You shouldn't be off sick because of a cold and you feel a bit tired because your child has been up.

It's not just a cold though. She said she's had back to back colds since before Christmas, so must be at least a month. That will wear you down and working through everything will wear you down even more. Add in lack of sleep and an ill child as well and it's no wonder she's having time off.

It's a bit more than a runny nose and a couple of disturbed nights.

all you can do is to sleep it off, and do your best to recover including

vitamins
water
rest

there is a fuck all point going to a GP as there is no drug they can give you

and yeah get off MN, and if you really feel awful take a couple of vacation days- a week of rest and turbo vitamins might get you back on track

I've taken DS to the doctors I don't known how many times because of a constant cough and streaming nose and they listen to his chest and tell me it's viral and what to expect with a toddler's first winter in nursery

That is just part of childhood. They need to build up immunity.

Stay in bed, do nothing except drink water tea and oj and watch Netflix. Don't feel guilty at all about it!!

Would it be possible for you to consider other work, perhaps on a self employed ad hoc basis like temp admin supply or being a cleaner?

wow that's really great advice NOT!!!!

some people have these years when you just get suck, its a bummer and a wake up call that OP needs to press reset

I've had this cough virus since about the 17th December and I still don't feel fully recovered. The coughing leaves you exhausted and run down, and my DH was getting very annoyed with me until a GP was on the news saying that the winter cough virus was very virulent this year and lasting around 4 weeks for most people. It didn't help that I caught it literally a week after my grandchildren gave me norovirus, so I was run down anyway. I do swear by taking a good multi vitamin every day, and eating as well as you can. Lots of home made veg soups and casseroles, no junk food at all as that can make you feel even more sluggish. You need to do something before your employer starts to take disciplinary action about your sickness record. Do you have any other childcare options than nursery ie a childminder or family where perhaps your little one won't pick quite so many bugs up? Their immune system is better by about 6/7 but that's a lot of illnesses until then coming your way.

Sounds like you are really suffering OP, but think about if you will regret leaving work. My DD is doing her third winter in nursery and each one gets better. She and we have barely been ill this year. If you can hang in there and get well, it should get much better from here in theory.

Go to your GP, be militant about hand washing for everyone and start DC on a good quality multivitamin like Eskimo Kids or similar. Good luck! xx

OP, if you are genuinely too ill to work at the moment (I can't really tell how much is illness & how much is extreme tiredness) - then wouldn't it be better to go to your GP and ask to be signed off for a week or two to concentrate on getting better properly?

The trouble with soldiering on & being in work some days and not others is that a) you never really have long enough to recover and b) you look unreliable and like the type of person to take a day off sick every time you sneeze (which I'm sure you're not). At least with a proper sick note, from a GP, work know not to expect you for the next 7 or 14 days and can plan accordingly. This is probably actually more helpful to them than not knowing whether you'll be in from one day to the next.

In terms of having no sick pay, losing one block of 7 or 14 days pay may well work out cheaper for you than continuing with losing 2 days here or 3 days there for the rest of the winter.

For now though, get back to bed and rest while you can .

If you're applying for other jobs, you're going to need a reference from your current employer. Our reference request asks for both number of absences and number of sick days overall, and we must have a reference from your most recent employer.

Get your sleep in today, get your DH involved in nights with the baby and start upping the days you're attending work, paracetamol is your friend for this. You aren't going to get another job if your current employer has to give you a reference, with your absence record.

This time next year this won't be on either your mind or your managers. Have today to properly rest.

I am surprised by you advising your manager that you would be leaving, that's never something that I would do unless looking an internal move.

OP sorry if I missed this but have you been to doc/got antibiotics? Sounds so similar to me as had horrid cold managed to shake before christmas then on new years eve came down with horrific flu, coughing so hard I've bruised my ribs. Antibiotics have finally cleared it. Forgot how horrific flu can be, especially with DC to look after.

Could you move DS to a childminder? Fewer children to catch things from and often a more flexible approach to looking after those with colds.

Ignore the self righteous people who apparently go to work with every disease going and pass it on to everyone around them in the process- that is somehow laudable??

It's shameful and ridiculous that in a supposedly first world civilisation any employer can get away with paying less than full sick pay. Time for some serious government policy changes in that area. When I started work 25 years ago it was quite normal that after a qualifying period employees would get proper sick pay- I was in offices and my DH in retail, nothing at all prestigious but it was still standard. Why are some people so desperate to propel us back into the early Victorian age? I assume most of them don't realise that back then they wouldn't have had 'important' office jobs or even shop work- they'd be selling water cresses on the street or working in a sweatshop environment. And earning far less than their male counterparts in the case of posters here!

Yes, this is my 'soapbox issue' but seriously...

Can't believe how unkind people have been. You sound absolutely exhausted. Hopefully by having some proper downtime on your own to rest you'll start feeling better. Sounds like your boss is lovely -please don't feel guilty, no one will be better off if you collapse through trying to 'push through it'. And yes. There is a really nasty virus going round this year -apparently it's adenovirus rather than rhinovirus so hangs around longer and makes you feel dreadful. Hope you feel better soon op

Also I meant to say that the bugs from Nursery do ease and apparently means that they are off school less.

The first winter when your kid is in nursery is *so tough. They catch everything, you get it too, you get no sleep, it's cold and dark... it's easy to feel very bleak.

The first thing to say is that it gets better. The next year their immune system is better and yours seems to be too.

The second is that it does sound like you're struggling emotionally as a result of all this, so please take this day and do something nice, relaxing and kind to yourself with it. I'm worried that now you've started this thread you'll just check it compulsively all day instead - and maybe you know that and that's kind of why you started it, because you've forgotten how to let yourself rest.

It sounds like your work values you, and anyway, you aren't even very worried about how they perceive this day off, so just let it go. It's only a day. Everyone I know has had this endless coughing virus, it's really miserable, it's worse if your kid has it too, so just take some time to try to get better.