To have called in sick (again!) and now not know what to do?

[username1317]

I've been ill with a string of back to back colds/fluey viruses since before Christmas. I have a toddler in nursery who of course gets everything and brings it home.

I had a long break at Christmas but was really ill with an awful cough and cold for all of it and we went to stay with family for a week (was planned for ages and they live the other side of the uk so rarely get to see them) which with lo wasn't very restful. When is Christmas with kids!

I've had quite a few days off here and there since being back. Some mornings after no sleep with ill toddler on top of being ill myself I just can't imagine getting through a day's work. Some days he's been ill and I've had to stay home with him rather than send him to nursery. Whenever I've been off he's been home (two times I was off sick nursery phoned me to pick him up because he was sick too) so I don't feel I've really had any time to rest or get better. I had to call DH home from work yesterday and Friday because I was too ill to look after toddler all day.

To add to the mire I've just told my boss that I'm planning on leaving. Not officially handed in my notice yet but said I plan to soon and would spend the next however many weeks getting things ship shape to pass on to someone else. It's a stressful job in a disorganised organisation. Boss appreciated me telling them and stressed how highly they regard me.

I've just called in sick again (was off at the end of last week) and sent my boss an email saying I need to actually rest and get better rather than drag myself in and hang on by the skin of my teeth again until I can't do it any more and have to take another random day. I stressed this had nothing to do with my decision to leave but is just terrible timing and I want to get better so I can do a good job.

DH and DS have just left in the dark to do a day at work / nursery and I'm here in bed with the house to myself for the first time in 18 months. I think I'm having some kind of existential crisis! I feel so guilty but at the same time so full of dread at the idea of more struggling through illness and sleep deprivation.

Have a done the right thing and what the hell do I do with my day to properly rest but not feel like a useless lay about? How on earth do other working mums get through winter with constant illnesses? Am I just rubbish at life?

Turn of MN, have a warm bath, put on nice clean night clothes and snuggle down and sleep, sleep, sleep...then when you wake, hopefully you will feel a little better xx

This sounds a hell of a lot like what I have been going through for well over a year.

Im a lone parent with no family and it sucks. I often go into work having 4 hours sleep.

However I have turned a corner these past 2 weeks, fingers crossed.

Here are some ideas;

My DS has a Cows milk allergy, that caused the coughing all night & the constant runny nose, vomiting, rash and zero sleep.
We changed to Soya milk and it cleared up within 7 days.

I had Glandular fever, post viral fatigue, then Pnemonia.

Its hard to rest when you are on a constant merry go round, but try if you can.

Multivitamins and early nights help a bit. Im usually in bed by 8pm.

If you're going to leave why don't you do so now? Part of the problem may be that you don't actually want to be there.

It does sound like you've had a lot of time off, especially if you've now got to the stage you're concerned what your husband thinks as he will know how sick you are. As a manager it's difficult when someone becomes unreliable even for the best of reasons.

I think on balance it would be better if uou handed uour notice in.

Are you moving to a new job when you leave? It sounds as if your household can't cope with both of you working, and if you are just moving to a new job nothing is going to change (except maybe you will have a less understanding employer). If you are ill enough yourself not to be able to go to work, then there is nothing you can do. However, you are also taking days off for your sick child which is increasing your absence. Is this always down to you? Is your DH also taking his fair share of days off?

You probably need some time alone as much as anything else. I'm the same I crave a bit of peace and time to myself but then feel guilty for sitting around doing nothing (on the very rare occasion that I get some time on my own). Have a snooze then a nice long bath then spend the rest of the day reading a good book or a magazine or watching a film. Like someone else said plenty of fluids and some comfort food.
I would try taking an echinacea supplement to ward off the colds, some people will scoff but it seems to work for me.

I can't afford to hand my notice in. I'm applying for stuff that's less stressful so I can. My boss knows how stressful work can be and that I've been incredibly reliable for the time I have been there and taken a lot of flack and extra responsibility that I'm not paid to (for example when my last manager left at a moments notice and I was left holding the fort).

I'd love to just quit and get off this merry go round of work/nursery/illness tbh but it's just not an option. I'm naturally a conscientious person and want to do a good job while I'm there. Hence wanting to get better and not carry on like this.

If you're going to be looking for a new job, you are going to need to pull yourself together and set the threshold much higher. Many, many of your colleagues are going in "tired" or with a cold. The majority of people (especially those without sick pay) would not consider those good reasons not to turn up at work, and your employer is unlikely to. How do you think all those people with newborns in the house who aren't on maternity leave cope? they're up half the night but can't call in sick for three months because they're sleepy. Any prospective new employer is going to ask reasons for your poor sickness record and "I was tired and had a cold" is not going to get you the job.
Go to bed at 8pm and go in to work dosed up on whatever day nurse / cough mixture combo your symptoms require.

Why don't you and your husband alternate the nights on you look after your dc, when it's your night off sleep in a different room.
I have a childminder who comes to my house (I have 3 dds) and looks after the children if they are unwell and can't go to school/Montessori.
There is no way I could take a day off each time they are sick (unless it's serious).
These problems do get better as the dcs get older, become more resilient and better sleepers.

I think you need to prioritise your health and work, and let everything else go for a bit. Make the most of this day to rest, eat nourishing food, drink plenty. Get stocked upon multivits, Lemsip etc, whatever you think will best support you getting better. Sod the housework, do basic meals, get yourself to bed once the toddler is down, and prioritise getting some extra sleep. Don't do anything fun for a bit (sorry), no social stuff, just focus on maximising sleep and recovery at home, and managing to get to work.

As a manager, I would by sympathetic but I would expect you to be doing the above - cutting out everything except the essentials.

I think you've got yourself into a bit of a pickle here. Why did uou tell them you were leaving in a few weeks if you don't yet have another job to go to and need the work? Normally people only say when they hand their notice in. Finding a new job is seldom as quick and easy as it seems.

I can see myself being in your shoes when my ds starts nursery. I'm a very conscientious and dedicated worker but I admit in the past I've had a low threshold for taking a day off. I think today like other people have said- have a lie in, a warm bath, nap, make something nice and healthy for lunch and go back to bed or doze in front of the tv- these are some of the things I miss from pre-baby days. Take today to recharge your batteries and try and get through your notice period.
Like other people have said- if you're looking elsewhere to work you'll still need to stop taking days off but maybe you'll find somewhere less stressful that doesn't require so much when you're there.

OK, if you need to move to a new job then you are going to have make some improvements somehow. Although your existing boss is supportive and may well provide a good reference, there is no way around confirming your sickness record which is a fairly standard question on most reference requests. From the sound of things, you've had quite a lot of time off even since Christmas, which is only a few weeks ago. Although you say your existing job is stressful, is there no possibility of moving to a different area of the same company or perhaps going part-time? Your existing company is supportive, a new one may not be, particularly if you start taking days off as soon as you arrive.

Although toddlers do pick up all sorts at nursery, this may hopefully improve as the weather gets better and also as your child builds up their immunity. You should't be picking up everything that he brings home though to the extent that you can't go to work, so it sounds as if you are run down yourself. Apart from lack of sleep, do you eat properly, can you take a multivitamin to help a bit?

People are not unsympathetic to parents who are struggling with lack of sleep and child/their own illness BUT at there is a limit to how long they can continue to support someone who cannot be relied upon to turn up every day.

If you've been coughing since before Christmas you need to see your GP.

Make sure you are sleeping slightly propped up at least, if you've any sort of chest infection then lying flat is the worst thing you can do.

As for what to do with your day - rest. Sleep as much as you can. Lots of fluid and as much sleep as possible. Don't feel like a layabout because you are not being a layabout. If you had a busted ankle you'd rest it. If you had a busted arm you'd rest it. You have a busted body - so rest it.

dont go on AIBU if you are ill fgs

stay off this area. Unless you want an argument?

rest means rest

As you both work why haven't you both been alternating days looking after your sick child? You never mention your husband doing his share.

How on earth do other working mums get through winter with constant illnesses? Am I just rubbish at life?

They have partners who do their fair share and also take time off when DC are ill. Before someone shouts what about single parents I have no idea, but that is how I coped.

But it sounds like you are ill anyway, so what is unreasonable about calling in sick if you are unwell?

In the past six months I have had sinusitis, bronchitis, gastroenteritis and the flu as well as various coughs and colds. Whilst I don't have a baby keeping me up at night, I do have terrible sleep through anxiety.
I started a new job (possible reason for all the illness!) in August and basically if I took a day off work, I'd likely get sacked. So I haven't. (I'm a Nanny, so I do have a baby during the day)
"Fortunately" the flu came during the Christmas holidays, I wasn't physically capable of getting out of bed for that one, but the rest I just really really suffered through. It was foul, and crippling but I did it.

This is an extreme example but I do agree with PPs that it seems like your threshold is low, and you're struggling with the demands of a job and a child.

People rarely see this from the business's side; whilst it is in the business's best interests to have their employees at their best - they lose money when employees don't turn up (regardless if they pay sick pay).

This is an extreme example but I do agree with PPs that it seems like your threshold is low, and you're struggling with the demands of a job and a child.

I had one year when DD1 was a toddler that I had loads of time off sick because I was, constantly and then ended up with Shingles finally. Then for 3 years following had no sick days at all. It's the way it goes and competitive illness is pretty pathetic. Not least because on another thread there will be people trilling about the selfish ones who go to work ill and pass on their germs....!

Wow if only we could all phone in sick when we were a bit tired, the country would come to a standstill!

My eldest didn't sleep through the night until he was 5, and yes I had to suck it up and go to work tired, because that's what grown ups do

You sound like a drama queen tbh

To those asking about the DH, he may not be doing his fair share (not entirely clear) but OP says he has ended up coming home from work both last Friday and yesterday because she was too ill to look after the toddler so it sounds as if he is also missing work at short notice which is probably going to cause problems with his employer.

Yeah I should probably get off AIBU! Just wanted some feedback really but maybe not the best place to get it. I'm waiting to speak to my boss and then back to bed.

DH is self employed doing a very physical job. He doesn't get paid when he misses a day, earns a lot more than me and can lose clients. He's out in the cold lugging stones and tree trunks around Sonia more physically tired than me most days. He does his share but mostly the night time and sick days have fallen to me. Also DS is a total daddy's boy but when he's ill he wants his mum.

I went through something like this. Turned out to be a few things. I was badly anemic, had a really low vit D and had a borderline vit B12. If you haven't recently, I'd get a full bloods done.

Also there's a difference between being sleepy and sleep deprived! Sleep deprevation is bloody horrible. There's a reason why it's used as torture!

It's done now so why drive yourself mad wondering what strangers think??

Some will think it's fine, some will think you're taking the piss. None of us will be affected by it, only you.

So my advice is to shut down the internet and get some sleep!

Agree with no capes, you sound like a bit of a drama queen! You shouldn't be off sick because of a cold and you feel a bit tired because your child has been up.

We can only take 3 instances of sick leave in 12 months before we get taken down the poor performance road.

If you've previously been a reliable employee and your employer is aware of your recent poor health, your employer will probably agree you should rest and recover properly rather than continuing to dip in and out of work (which is disruptive for everyone). If you're ill enough to have had repeated absences during the 3 weeks since Christmas you're ill enough to need to see a GP though (imo) so do get yourself there today if you can.

Btw, this whole "DH earns more than me so I have to take time off to look after ill child" is a terrible attitude. I doubt your employer has sympathy for that situation - parents have equal responsibility for their children and the sooner that becomes a mainstream attitude the better.