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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What daughter said happened

234 replies

hils1979 · 16/01/2017 22:57

First post, please be gentle!
My 5 yr old daughter has told me tonight that 6 boys in year 2 have twice (today and last Friday) cornered her in the playground, pulled her tights and knickers down, and looked and laughed at her girly bits.
This is the first I've heard of something like this and I'm shocked!!!
I know boys will be boys... but seriously?? Also she said she told 2 teachers and the head. But why hasn't anyone told us?
AIBU to think be the school should have contacted me and told me? Reassured me they were aware and dealing with it? Have they told the parents of the boys? Awkward as 3 are pretty good friends of mine.

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 17/01/2017 12:46

I'm fed up of upset about the sexualised bullying of little girls being dismissed as "hysteria". (The

In a normal situation, where the school had taken appropriate steps, I might agree that there was no need to involve the police - as I said, not to take action, but to log the incidents. In this case, where the school have not even thought to tell the mother that this has happened, I would err on the side of caution and make sure there was a separate record.

Overkill? Possibly. But better than it being swept aside as of no great matter.

SparklyMagpie · 17/01/2017 12:46

Hope you got on ok OP!

Gemmaxo · 17/01/2017 12:49

?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/01/2017 13:05

I don't really see why little girls should be expected to pit up with something that would be considered horrific for an older girl or a woman. Especially the fact that it has happened twice.

At six, my DD and her friend were enticed into the cloakroom by a little classmate who then showed them his willy. DD, who has a slightly older brother, was totally blasé about it and just told him not to be silly. But her little friend was really upset. Both of us mothers were called into the school though, there was no attempt to underplay the incident.

Mollyboom · 17/01/2017 13:10

Can I just repeat as I have done on other threads the age of criminal responsibility in this country is 10. The police cannot make a record or log anything in relation to anyone under that age. I wish people would understand this before screaming for the police to become involved.

picklemepopcorn · 17/01/2017 13:16

I mentioned it Ailpartout, as I am pleased these things have mainly changed and are no longer considered normal or acceptable. It certainly was normal in the school I went to, and I'm not alone in that I know. Minimising it would lead us back there, potentially. It made sense in the context of my original somment. Anyway, you and I bickering isn't helping OP any.

waterrat · 17/01/2017 13:18

It doesn't even have to be sexual to be clearly humiliating. I have a 5 yr old son and he would never ever do this. It's disgusting and serious.

ailPartout · 17/01/2017 13:29

picklemepopcorn

I agree. It's sad this happened to you and I'm pleased it's no longer typical or accepted.

The only point I've tried to make is that it should be treated as what it is (nasty bullying) and not made more of. For example, flashing a willy at 6 is not the same as an adult doing it to 6 year olds.

This is by no means brushing it under the carpet or minimising it.

kittybiscuits · 17/01/2017 14:02

Wow. Partout you don't know what happened and you don't know whether or not it was sexually motivated. You are definitely minimising. It may raise wider safeguarding concerns and I have known this to be the case.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/01/2017 14:07

Sexually motivated? By 6-7 year old boys?

ailPartout · 17/01/2017 14:23

Thank you SuburbanRhonda.

You're right kitty, I have as much information as you but the main difference between my approach and many on this thread is that I (as a headmistress), would see this as fact finding as opposed to a hang 'em high situation. There may end up being extremely serious consequences, but based on what I know at the moment, there wouldn't be.

If this was forming a pattern it would be treated differently.

If I was worried but this plus additional information from teachers or parents then may well react differetly.

After decades in my role I had a gut feeling that there was more to this than currently known I would act differently*.

At the moment, this would be viewed as inappropriate and nasty bullying.

*the greatest gift any non-state head is given is running things their own way. I have official and non-official reports for every child (parent and teacher). The non-official reports tell me everything I ever need to know about a child. This would be flagged immediately by our database.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/01/2017 14:26

Mollyboom nobody is talking about the kids having criminal responsibility. The school do have a responsibility to act promptly and responsibly, though, and they haven't done so this far. I hope the OP gets some sense - and some action - out of them at her meeting.

Why are you so desperately trying to minimise these incidents?

Original poster
hils1979 · 17/01/2017 14:52

Thanks for everyone's responses. Heart goes out to all those that have had similar experiences. We went into school this morning and the head teacher was away at a morning meeting. We spoke to dd teacher who was visibly shocked and clearly knew nothing about it. She said they have firm processes in place to deal with instances like this and she would action those. I've since spoken to the head on the phone and he is fully investigating. Dd decided she didn't want a fuss made this morning but I explained her teachers needed to know.
I feel fully confident in the school and that they are following correct processes.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 17/01/2017 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ailPartout · 17/01/2017 15:06

That's good Hills.

It's sad others had such little faith in your school.

If you feel you need further help pending the outcome the feel free to PM me.

Italiangreyhound · 17/01/2017 15:11

hils well done for acting quickly. I understand your dd does not want a fuss. This may be because society encourages females not to make a fuss. Allow her to express how she feels but make sure (IMHO) that she knows that this is wrong and making a fuss is OK. It is OK to be upset/angry and to make a fuss would be quite normal.

SuburbanRhonda how would this not be sexual?

It involves controlled and coercing a female by males. How is it not sexual?

Maybe the boys don't know exactly what they are doing. Maybe. Maybe this kind of thing happens at one of the boys homes. Maybe they have seen porn. Maybe one of them/more of them has seen porn and/or this has been done to them.

Don't minimise. It won't help the girl. It won't do the boys any favours. This is not the same as playing.

Daisiesandgerberas · 17/01/2017 15:15

It sounds like you & your DD have a lovely open respectful relationship. She is lucky to have you, to be able to talk to you. You must be so proud of her Flowers

kittybiscuits · 17/01/2017 15:16

I appreciate your comments Italiangreyhound

LagunaBubbles · 17/01/2017 15:16

Thats good OP.

kittybiscuits · 17/01/2017 15:18

I'm glad you're happy with the response and plans to deal with this hils.

xStefx · 17/01/2017 15:18

That's good OP

Italian Greyhound you are spot on, ignoring it wont help the girl or the boys as they get older

HardcoreLadyType · 17/01/2017 15:23

@allPartout

"He was a 21 year old rapist. If you can't see the difference then god help us!"

He didn't suddenly become a racist on his 21st birthday. He had a load of messages along the way that it was all right for him to sexually abuse women. Those may well have started at the same age as the children from the OP, and younger.

These children are not currently sexual abusers, but if they are not taught that what they did was wrong, then they could become sexual abusers.

If you, and people like you, can't see that, then god help us.

HardcoreLadyType · 17/01/2017 15:23

*rapist

kierenthecommunity · 17/01/2017 15:26

Glad you feel happier now you've spoken to the school and I third what Italian greyhound said. There could be an underlying reason for the behaviour and it needs fully investigating. The NSPCC pants thing looks like something the school could utilise too.

I do agree with the posters saying there's no need to involve the police though. Time after time you see comments like 'so they had a log of the incident' but the police aren't some sort of filing system for every occurrence in the world. How would anyone here feel if their son was logged on the police systems with a question mark about them being involved in a sexual assault at the age of six? Is it appropriate to criminalise children? There's an age of criminal responsibility for a reason.

kittybiscuits · 17/01/2017 15:27

Also Partout you may be a headmistress but you're not my headmistress. I think you should consider an update to your safeguarding training.