To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

I assumed that the breast area was exposed, I would definitely offer a friend a top if their breast area was exposed inadvertently over dinner, regardless of scarring or no scarring. Could that be what she meant?

I think it sounds like your friend was very unpleasant. A message along the lines of " I'm struggling to to understand why you felt it was appropriate to say what you did to me in the toilet of the restaurant..." you may be able to gauge from her reply what her motivation was & whether it was just her.

I'm appalled at your "friend". She should be trying to boost your self esteem not make you feel ashamed.

Absolutely agree with TitaniasCloset. I feel upset on your behalf just reading this. How shit.

Just echoing most other posters to say yanbu! Horrible attitude your friends have. I would ditch them and I usually don't advise that lightly on here. How would they feel if someone with a facial scar was in the restaurant? Shallow idiots.

1. You can wear whatever the hell you like
2. If you were my friend I'd be so grateful you had survived, so in awe of your strength, that seeing your scar would make me feel proud of you.

I suspect (given my innate ability to see the best in people who seem to be arseholes) that the intentions came with kindness, but that the words came out wrong. She could have said, "I can't help noticing that you're tugging at your neckline a bit. Are you uncomfortable? I've got just the thing in my bag if it will help...?"

Did she really say "we don't want to be looking at that..."?

Hmm. Yeah okay, she's an arsehole then. A very ignorant insensitive one. In these situations I tend to use my DH's favourite phrase, which is FUCK 'EM.

My gorgeous best friend has multiple operation scars all across her abdomen. If anyone dared to say anything about it that upset her i would go bananas. Your body, their problem. No she is not a friend. She is a bitch.

I'm sorry but just NO. Who says things like this? It sounds as if she was saying "you're putting us off our food, please cover up"

Fuck. That. Fuck. Them.

It wasn't bothering you, only so much so that you realised it was a bit uncomfortable because it was falling down a little. We've all been there when wearing something. Thinking it's a beautiful dress/top/skirt great when you're stood still looking in the mirro, then you actually wear it out!

I was reading your post like

You're a grown woman who has been through a hell of a lot. All she -or in my mind a FRIEND or normal person had to say was... Is that top falling down too much, can see you're pulling it up a bit I've got a vest top with me you could wear if you like :)
You say... oh no it's fine thanks, just didn't realise until now! Let's go eat

End of story. I don't think I could speak to this woman ever again to be honest, I'd be too pissed off

There's no excuse for what she said. It was utterly shocking and thoroughly unpleasant.

Maybe your husband can have a chat with one of the guys about what went down while you were at the bar and get a feel for things? If the other couples are shocked by what she said or if they squirm and look embarrassed.

Had a bit if a sleepless night.

All hell broke loose last night. DH rang one of the group, a man who was actually sitting at the end of the table, directly opposite me and asked him what had been said because i was really upset. So, this friend said:
'I had no idea what was happening. You two went to the bar and there was a lot of talk going on but i could not hear/make out what was being said. I knew it went quiet when you came back, but had no idea why and just tried to carry on as normal (he did, looking back he was making the most conversation). I thought Ella looked upset when she came back from the loo. When we were driving home i asked xxx (his wife) what had been going on and she said that everyone was shocked that Ella had worn something that showcased her scars - a bit attention seeking and that it looked bloody awful so it was agreed that one of the women would have a quick word to tip her the wink. To be honest EllasDH, i did not even see Ellas scar, i never noticed them and i was sitting oppisite her.l told my wife she and everyone else were utter bastards to have said anything and we had a row about it. Tell Ella i thought she looked gorgeous'.

So, DH went balistic and rang the other two couples. It was horrible and things were said that cannot be taken back, thirty years of friendship gone in one night. DH really ripped into them and now i feel even worse!

Pineapple, yes, a diep.

My top was not particularly low cut or revealing, it just slipped enough at times to show the top of my scar and the difference in colour between old skin and new.

I do not know why friend had clean vest in car. I know she goes to the gym most mornings before work and assume she repacks her bag every night?

Anyway, thank you all for your supportive messages, it has helped.

I think if someone had just said 'Ella, i HATE seeing your scars, its me not you, stick something over them' i would have laughed and been fine. It was the fact that most of them onviously find me physically repulsive that really gets to me.

As for supporting me going through treatment? Not particularly, BUT, that was my choice. I pushed everyone away at the time, was perfectly polite, but really only wanted my family, so have no idea how supportive they would have been, given the chance.

Anyway, enough blub. Thank you for replies.

Crikey Ella what an update. How upsetting for you, awful to realise that old pals are actually wankers.

If your friends have any grace at all they will be round with flowers and apologies. Let the dust settle, maybe with space and time and good intentions all round you all can move on (if that's what you want).

for you. Awful.

Wow!!!!! As in WTF!!!

ella - I'm so so sorry that these so called friends turned out to be such assholes. Although it sort of sounds like it was more the women - I know that's not helpful but at least the men are hopefully not so spiteful? Good for the one dh who stood up for you.
Again, really sorry these people turned out to be so nasty and shallow. I hope you find new friends who are genuine. Please try not to lose any more sleep over this - those women aren't worth any of your brain space as I like to call it.

Oh Ella, I am so sorry.

Just when you think people can't stoop any lower. I'm absolutely stunned that so called friends would behave this way, Ella, you deserve better. Which is the most ridiculous understatement but I'm not very articulate at this time of the morning.
Whether your scar is on show or not, it doesn't define you, but it should never, ever, be an issue for anyone. It's your body, and you have won a battle which nobody has the right to pass comment on other than "you're a hero. Well done!"

Wow! That's just awful. It would take a lot more than a bunch of flowers for me to forgive that. I'm sure you look beautiful, inside and out, which is a lot more than can be said for those bitches.

Good on your DH, and I'm so sorry some of your friends turned out to be such self centred tossers. I guess at least you know their true colours now, even if it was painful to find out.

Ella I've had the same reconstruction I think. The DIEP? It's such a tough operation to recover from. Much worse than mastectomy I found.
People say all sorts of bloody stupid things to those who have had cancer.
The thing is you're different now. You've been through something which they are terrified of. I wouldn't ditch the friends just keep an emotional distance. Maybe say to the Top Woman the next time you see her, 'Do you approve of what I'm wearing?'
on the five years.

Oops I didn't read your update. Good luck Ella. Your DH sounds great.

I haven't rtft but wanted to respond before baby starts screaming. I actually reared up a little bit (possibly overinvested, definitely sleep-deprived!) Because I can imagine exactly how wounded and deflated you felt. You are not being u at ALL. The only thing I wound say is that I would not assume all of them were in on it. The conversation may have gone, "gosh, poor Ella seems uncomfortable, her top keeps slipping, what a shame to have a constant reminder when she's just got good news" "oooh, I've a vest in my bag, I'll offer it to her" & then your one friend went off-piste. Maybe?

If there's one of the group you feel closest to, maybe talk to them?

You have a supportive husband and those people aren't your friends! New year new friends!!!

My friend is recovering from cancer and if anyone said this things to them I would go just as ape shit as your husband!!

Congratulations on getting the all clear x don't let those horrible ppl drag you down xx

OH MY GOD. Just saw the update. Jesus. I'm speechless. I'm so so sorry.

I can't believe these people op.Wtf is the matter with them? 'Attention seeking'.Just, honestly-that's a breath takingly disgusting thing to say of a friend in any situation but so unjustifiable in this particular circumstance that I can't get my head around it.
Well done to your dh and to the other husband who thought the attitude of the rest of them wrong.The rest of them need to be very very ashamed.

Having reread the first post after your update I think their insinuations are disgusting and unforgivable- that you're 'flaunting' it and being attention seeking by wearing something that semi-reveals your scars. They're seriously unpleasant people and it sounds like they made up all this shite in their minds to justify their own discomfort with what you've been through, or maybe even to just put you down after seeing you looking happy in a nice top.

Either way, there's no reasoning with people who have such uncharitable and unpleasant personalities. I'm glad your husband called them out on it.

How awful!

Good on that bloke for kicking up a stink with his wife about her and the other women's hideous attitudes.

Wow. Just seen the update. I actually can't believe how spiteful and unnecessary the women have been. I would never dream of criticising my friend's choice of outfit in any circumstance but the fact they've done it after everything you've been through?! People never fail to amaze me with their shittiness.

I would definitely let the dust settle. If they were any kind of friends they would realise they're in the wrong and apologise to you. If not, then at least now you know what kind of people they are. You don't need friends like that.