To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

Really nice top and even if it slipped down, your boobs were in no way hanging out. Wonder if you were looking quite hot (attractive hot) actually and they were a bit jealous and thought you should cover up? Is that a terrible/outrageous thing to suggest? The friends (frenemy) husband said you looked 'gorgeous' after all.

They are grade A solid gold cunts, OP. How DARE she use the words 'using the cancer card' and 'playing the victim'?!?! And how thick do you have to be to equate a scar to knickers showing, or bad breath?

Move on, OP. Get better friends.

It's awful, isn't it, how you can go years thinking someone was your friend, and then one day the fog lifts and you see a horrible person standing there and you wonder why you ever missed it before! The whole story is shocking, she's awful. There is no defence at all. Look at the good people that are around you, embrace them and get rid of the bad. You're worth a million of her.

I'm so sorry OP, completely understandable that you'd be upset. Fwiw I think you're incredibly brave.

That's terrible. Her apology denies any responsibility- if she was sorry she'd be acknowledging the pain she caused instead of pushing the ownership onto you by trying to make you feel like you're in the wrong. Friends accept you for whoever you are, scars and all. Sounds like you'd be well rid and shouldn't waste another moment thinking about them. What a terrible way to treat a friend!

Ella, your former friend is a bitch and, I suspect, jealous of you for some deluded reason.

Emotional blackmail? Cancer card? What, were you trying to get away without paying or something? This is someone who regards behaving like a normal person - i.e. wearing normal clothes - as "rubbing your cancer in". She's disgusting.

And by the way, you look absolutely lovely in the pictures - if anything, the scar looks a bit like a tan line, which is completely fine. Don't you dare start covering up because a pack of stupid bitches decided to bully you.

That is no apology!

You look great in the photos, but you know what? Even if your scar was much more obvious and you were wearing a hideous top, it would not make their offensive comments any more acceptable.

Just read post update!! Ella, do not lose another wink of sleep over the vitriol of this woman. (Your husband is a star.) Hold your head high and be proud of yourself - you have every reason to be. If you 'wobble' look at this thread and feel the genuine support that is coming to you from total strangers. 💐

ask another one of the women what she though? and if its the same DUMP those people. I would not care about any scars my friend had, visible or not.You have been so through much you dont need people making you feel odd. sending lots of hugs xx

Just got to the end of the thread.

The top is really gorgeous and looks beautiful on you. You have a very delicate neckline and it accentuates this.

I can't really see the difference issue with the colour of skin as to my current two tone sun tan/bikini mark. On first glance without knowing the situation I'd think just that.

The email is not an apology, she's still having a fecking dig isn't she? It would make me angry all over again. Playing the cancer card??? FFS...sounds like you did anything but.

From now on maybe just socialise with the DH's. I wouldn't waste another breath on these women that can't swallow down whatever unreasonable point they were trying to make, accept they were wrong and have the decency to admit it.

But best you saw their true colours.

I think a good old fashioned Fuck Off is required in response to that email. Or stoop to her level and reply "gosh I had no idea you were so stupid you should really cover yourself up with a giant bin bag and fall in a hole, save us looking at you".

Sorry I have to disagree with you. YABU your scar is definitely not prominent and ugly.

It's actually quite impressive, it really is not that noticable (IMHO).

Oh fuck the fuck off! Your "friend" is a bully and obviously has something lacking that she felt the need to create a drama around pulling you aside to give you a top and sending that non apology excuse for an email. Its obviously nothing to do with you at all. She felt the need to be saintly and in the spot light by putting her forward to "help" you cover up and "apologise". Well fuck off. She probably had you in the "poor Ella with cancer" box and friday night realised that you were "kick ass Ella who won her battle and fought Goliath and looks bloody hot" and decided to take you down a peg or two. Cow, its her, not you.

I thought your top was revealing huge welted scars with no reconstructed breasts (and ringing a bell shouting unclean by the way she was going on about it) and so what if you were, who made her the boob police? You were showing a bit of cleavage, less than most young women do on a night out and a hint of two tone skin that looks like a tan line. You looked hot, she decided you shouldn't look hot and you were flaunting yourself. Christ my SIL shows her whole breast only covering the nipple at family meals in the afternoon with kids about. I'm not about to hand her a vest. Your scars are neat and delicate and part of whole you are and your body. You should never ever be made feel uncomfortable by another woman who should be supportive not dragging you back down to where she wants you. You deserve so much better.

Think there was definitely more than a touch of jealousy in her behaviour - your birthday, you were no doubt looking great, not to mention the fact that you are a decent person and she's an asshole and she saw green and tried to take you down. Failing miserably and now trying to rewrite history and minimise. My six year old learns at school that you cant fill your own bucket by trying to empty someone else's, amazing how many adults still haven't worked it out. Sorry she was such a bitch, you really did deserve more on your birthday.

The more I think about this the more livid I feel. She's not sorry for upsetting you. She has no remorse for what she said. She's just sorry that your reaction was "wrong". What a utter cunt.

I think a good old fashioned Fuck Off is required in response to that email. Or stoop to her level and reply "gosh I had no idea you were so stupid you should really cover yourself up with a giant bin bag and fall in a hole, save us looking at you".

Love this lois a very good response

Hello! Another Breast Cancer survivor here, also had a DIEP reconstruction (no nipple recon yet). Congratulations on your five year all clear!

This whole post & your friends response is just shocking - I would also be heart broken if friends behaved this way. My scars are my badges of survival, I wouldn't be here today without them. Even my 7 year old daughter thinks I am luck to have 'funny scars but no cancer'.

Her email was awful - the sentence about 'you have always just got on with it, so it came as a bit of a shock to see you playing the victim...' was the worst and made me gasp.

Yes - many cancer patients do seem to 'just get on with it' because we have no choice. It doesn't mean that we are fine and happy and everything is normal. A true friend would know that and act like business as usual but still realize that underneath our superhero cape is a terrified woman. That the whole experience is terrifying and physically brutal.

And more importantly - it is never over. We don't play a cancer card. It has become a part of who we are

So sorry that you have had to go through this.

For the first time ever in my being on mumsnet, I'm going to suggest your DH emails a link to this thread to all of them. That way you don't have to even say anything Ella, you can let us say it all for you.

There are no words for despicable cunts like that and I'm very sorry your best friend turned out to be less than human.

Never do anything less than hold your head up high OP. Congratulations on your all clear and happy birthday

I'm in chemo for the second time and have a few battle scars and was initially going to say that a lot of people say stupid and insensitive stuff without really considering the impact. I think they panic, don't want to say nothing, and end up spewing out the first thing they think of. I was also going to say that it really depends on your mood how you react to these insensitivities - sometimes I want to hear people's little gripes and moans because it makes things feel more normal and other times I want to scream 'stfu about your bunion - I'm trying not to die here'! And then I read her email back to you. What a massive bitch. That's not a slip of the tongue or a misguided but well-intentioned verbal cock up. That is Grade A, passive aggressive meanness. You should feel fully-justified in throwing her to the kerb and celebrating your health with your lovely husband and the good friends that you undoubtedly have elsewhere. It might be worth checking whether this is the royal 'we' though, before you bin the other friends that were there. They might well have been in the 'discretely tell her that her new skin is showing, just in case she minds' camp and would be mortified to hear what she actually said on their behalf. Good luck with your health and with moving on from your horrible frenemy - you deserve much better.

That's not what I would consider an 'ugly scar' at all. It's a very neat line and the colour difference is the only reason I'd notice it. Your surgeon did a really beautiful job.

Gutted for you, thinking they were actual friends. Bitches of Eastwick

You should be so proud of yourself. You have a fab DH, move on and never speak to them again.

We could all see your scar and different coloured skin and if we could, then anyone else could too. I do think it is emotional blackmail, using the cancer card and you have NEVER done that, you have always just got on with it, so it came as a bit of a shock to see you playing the victim.
Ella, were you flashing your scar at them and begging for a free meal? How on earth were you emotionally blackmailing them by wearing a top low enough for them to see a miscoloured bit on your breast?

This is how that sorry-not-sorry email should have been worded:

Dear Ella,
I am so sorry that I upset you the other night. The fact is you looked lovely and were obviously feeling good about yourself; you have every right to wear whatever you want and bugger what anyone else thinks. I took it upon myself to bring you down not because I thought you were a bit self-conscious about your top falling down a little but because I caught a glimpse of your cancer scar.
I don't know what got into me, I can't believe I was so crass and stupid. There is no excuse for me leaping to the conclusion you were playing the victim or attention-seeking - you have never done so in all this time (when you had every reason to do exactly that) so why would you start now? No, you were just exercising your right to wear what you want and show your scars if you want.
I know you may not find it easy to forgive me and I don't deserve that you should but I hope you can some day.
Again I'm so so sorry for what I said.
Cunty Friend

Please feel free to pass it on to her.

Also, this whole stereotype about being brave and stoic and just getting on with it is a load of bullshit imposed on cancer patients by everyone else. They should be able to rant, whine, complain and scream from the rooftops how shit, in pain and scared they feel. Enough of making other people feel less awkward and uncomfortable - the person who needs to be made to feel better is the person with bloody cancer.

Splendor, I love the ending

Cunty friend lmao

Splendor that's wonderful and I wish I could give it to all the people who I've upset with my insensitive tongue (nothing like this though).

EllaKeat, I probably would have said something, but because I'm an idiot and not to upset you. I would have probably said something like what a good job the surgeon had made with the scar, without stopping to think that you would be upset about having to have a scar and really didn't need me complimenting it.

So if you ever come across someone like me please just slap me around the back of the head (á la Gibbs), and tell me to cop on.

Oh and your top is gorgeous and I don't think there's anything wrong even if you displayed more than in the photo.