To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

Thirty years of friendship makes them think they have the right to say what they like as long as it is done with 'good intentions' - never mind how hurtful, insensitive and demoralising it might be to you and wrong on every level. I think if you say anything to them about it 'good intentions...' will be the response you get. To me, true friends would not have brought it up at all. Take your time and decide what is right for you. I admire you for wearing what you like and being yourself, so you should. Good for you!!

Good grief, that email has made my blood boil, god knows what you must have felt, reading such shite.
As for playing the cancer card and playing the victim, we get that you are not playing. Having cancer, beating cancer, is not a fucking game is it? What planet is she on?

It sounds as this 'friend' is delusional... how anyone who knows what the cancer is even think things like this?! 'Playing a victim'? How? By not wearing a turtleneck on your birthday? And that email is an attempt to bully you into apologising to them for 'overreacting'. They are obviously not your friends.

I'm absolutely gobsmacked by that email. You can't let this go op. She is vile, they've obviously been bitching behind your back again. The cancer card?! Horrible.

I had to comment after seeing the pictures you put on here, I really can't see their problem, you look absolutely fantastic, I was expecting a really bad scar but its amazingly neat and my boobs are currently 2 toned as I've been on holiday! Please keep your chin up and ignore them, they are the idiots.

My sister had a similar problem when she had cancer treatment, she didn't like wearing anything on her head after loosing her hair, she was attacked by an ignorant old lady who decided to voice her opinion on the fact she thought my sister had shaved her head (on purpose), when my sister said she was having cancer treatment the woman then said "well you should wear a wig as you scare people!!" My sister was always so brave and not shy at all, but this really knocked her.

Don't let this knock your confidence, you look great, and I love the top!!! xx

Is this friend a bit unintelligent op? Because even if you are actually twisted enough to think as they seem to, to articulate twice, once in person, once in an email seems to display a massive like of intelligence, never mind empathy, compassion, and friendship. Surely no one else in the group could fail to see that that email is literally vile?
I'm astounded.
I never say 'show them the thread', but in this case I make an exception. Because the email writer seems to be labouring under the conviction that their behaviour is ok.And it isn't.Not at all.

That is really shocking behaviour of your 'friends'. I just don't get what she thought people might be upset about seeing? Does she think you should never go swimming or go out on holiday in a bikini/swimsuit either??

TheMerry I am shocked, your poor sister, some people are absoultely vile, instead of being ashamed of her comment to your sister and apologising profusely, she attacked her more . Sounds a lot like op so called friends.

From your posts and that email it sounds as if all the women colluded in this nastiness, but at least two of the men (the emailer's husband, and another man) have subsequently fallen out with their wives over it. If so, do you think you and your DH will be able to maintain a relationship with those two men?

This is totally shocking and awful. Is this completely out of the blue? I can't believe ignorant friend hasn't shown her ignorance previously.

From your description, I was expecting some horrendous scarring but your surgeon did an wonderfully neat and tidy job there! If I saw your top slip and I didn't know you'd had an operation, I'd assume it was a fake tan issue, or a suntan line. It is a beautiful battle scar, which you should wear with pride. Even if it was horrendously puckered and discoloured, I would still expect my friend to be proud of that mark of survival.

My MIL has a breastbone scar - quite visible but when I see it, it reminds me that she nearly died and we nearly lost her. Thanks to that surgery, she got to meet my DS, her grandson, and 3 more grandchildren, and they've grown up with her in their lives. They will have memories of their grandma. She got to see all her children on their wedding days, and welcome their partners into her family. She got to see more of the world, and of her loved ones. To me, that scar is a reminder of a gift beyond measure. So too should yours be.

It seems to me that the women involved got a bollocking from their husbands and are desperately trying to claw back justification. They cant. That email was just more of the same - not an apology.

BTW, your top is gorgeous. Wear it with pride!

Regardless of what a scar looks like, though, a person should not have to hide it in any way. And when someone has had cancer, they have not been "playing" at anything. Anyone who thinks otherwise is not worth knowing.

You look great. Your friends are the sort of dreadful cunts who stare at kids like mine and wish they'd hide away somewhere. There's no excuse.

The scar is a part of you. You shouldn't feel ashamed for who and what you are. I could never be friends with people who feel disgusted by ma scarring.
Enjoy your life, you must be delighted to have your future back so don't let it be spoiled by morons.

"playing the cancer card"? That is the bit that made me want to slap her. I am appalled.

OP you rock. So does your DH

Wow, your friend is a right nasty piece of work! The bit where she, oh so graciously said you could have your boobs hanging out and she wouldn't say anything, to stop people being mean to her! Oh my goodness!

She, please excuse the pun, has exposed herself to be a very damaged, nasty tit of a woman. Unlike you.

Ditch the horrible woman. You really don't need to waste your time on people like her. And you look gorgeous in your photo. Xx

Ella, its truly upsetting that people would treat you this way.

Your top is a lovely colour and like another poster I would have assumed it was a tan line and taken no more notice of it (wouldn't be looking in the first place).

Your friends to all talk about you behind your back quite obviously as you noticed is disgusting, especially on your birthday.

Then to use that occasion to embarrass you

Then to further insult you under the pretence of an "apology"

Your DH sounds amazing, what a guy. The other womans DH has obv seen some true colours.

Please prepare yourself for them to act like victims now, if they can be that shitty to you in the first place don't expect them to be adult about this. Wash your hands with them OP.
Congratulations on being healthy and having a fab husband

Sorry you had to go through all that xx sending love

OMFG. This has to be one of the most vile and disgusting situations I've ever come across on a message board (and I'm part of a few). My mouth literally dropped open when I read the non-apology email.

The "cancer card"??! JFC. That last email was all "me, me, me" (her). Has this woman always been this self centred, narcissistic and not quite in touch with reality? Ditto the others too.

Your DH is a star, and I'm glad he took the bull by the horns and got everything out into the open, especially sooner rather than later before you wasted any more time on these revolting non-friends.

I'm sorry this happened to you, on top of everything else you've been through the last few years.

Oh my god - do people that selfish and hateful even exist?!

Send the loathsome ex-friend a link to this thread. Anything to educate her on how beyond malicious she has been.

Genuinely shocked and disgusted at their reaction.

OP - now you can focus on friendships which nourish and support you

that was no apology email.

cancer card... playing the victim...

merely by having the audacity to show a bit of a scar. does this friend have form for this sort of misinterpretation? is she always inclined to think the worst?

are you going to respond?

I haven't got anything insightful to add, I just wanted to add my support. I too have had cancer and have a massive, messy scar from 2 liver resections. It's not pretty, but it was either that or die. Your scar is so neat and tidy, but that's not the point. Even if it were as bad as mine, you shouldn't have to hide it from other people due to their discomfort. That is their issue to deal with, not yours. The fact that your 'friends' tried to make you feel ashamed of it is bloody horrible and the e-mail is an abomination. I never swear on here, but fuck them! My young adult sons call my scar my shark bite and have on occasion tried to get me to show their friends, as they think it's 'badass' to have survived. So from one badass to another, take no notice of their petty, ridiculous small mindedness x

OP's photo and the email are on page 12 if anyone is looking.

ElllaKeat,You're a star. I looked at your photo and to me you just look like you've been sunbathing with a bikini on. I cant see what they made such a fuss about.
As for that email, it doesn't deserve a response. 'Cancer card' my arse.

She's an absolute beast. Reminds me of something I read once (in the context of why you shouldn't try to be friends with someone who dumped you, but it still fits!):

"When I choose my friends, I prefer the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep at night."

You sound amazing OP, and you certainly don't deserve the sort of friends who have stupid views like this and who say awful passive aggressive things like that email. I would ignore it personally; she's simply not worth a response.

Oh my days. I have nothing original to say but

1. You look gorgeous in the top.
2. You have every right to wear whatever you want. If they feel uncomfortable then that isn't your problem.
3. What sort of people treat others like this??! How mean and unsupportive.
4. You don't deserve to have people like this in your life.
5. I would honestly just cut them out of my life. How dare they upset you on your birthday and how dare they try and make you feel uncomfortable?

Also I think you are awesome and deserve much nicer people in your life x

What an emotionally unintelligent, repressed and ultimately immature response to a mastectomy scar. The whole concept that you might have been deliberately revealing the scar as an attention seeking act suggests a playground mentality that I just could not accept from an adult friend. The email is also juvenile tripe. I wouldn't bother replying to her, the more you say the more it will be twisted to suit the narrative that you are the one with the problem.