To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

Absolutely inexcusable behaviour topped by non-apology email. I think you are officially the first person to have ever had 100% support from everyone. Some friendships aren't for life. She can make space for a new friend, one who has some attributes like kindness, caring, empathy, and pleasurable company!

BTW I have some fab stomach scars from ovarian cancer ops, but still get as much flesh out on the beach as possible, and don't care that I look like someone shot me with a 12gauge then someone else stitched all the holes up drunk and whilst not wearing their glasses! I hope you will be topless sunbathing soon! Happy birthday 🍾 X

Good on your DH,

Ella, I take back my previous post about being shocked that he was him 'taking the piss' in order to lighten the situation, He has totally stepped up and supported you over those utter self-serving thoughtless pratts . He is an utter star.. and the person who wrote that email deserves all she gets .

And you deserve proper friends who really support you and can celebrate your recovery .. I hope you and your Dh find some soon..

It's particularly telling that her main motivation seems to have been people "having a go at her" rather than actually feeling bad because she upset you. She's not sorry at all, that much is clear. Is the woman on fucking crack or just a psychopath? "Cancer card"?! "Playing the victim"?! She can go fuck herself with her fucking clean vest top, the one you were wearing is much nicer. Good on your DH for standing up for you and calling them out. Ballbags. I'm so enraged for you!

You've inspired me to do the moonwalk this year (although from Googling they don't seem to have sorted the NI once yet).

"Emotional blackmail"? "Cancer card"? That disgusting "apology" was even worse than what she said to you in the toilet!
Your top is lovely, you looked great in it and even if you didn't you can wear what the hell you like! You weren't "playing the victim" in any way whatsoever and I cannot believe how spiteful people can be, especially to someone who has been through so much.
Happy belated birthday by the way. So glad you have a supportive husband and that not all your friends are as nasty as that evil woman.

YANBU at all your friend is being a hurtful bitch that's a battle scar that you should wear with pride because your a survivor be proud of your scars they show you've fought a hard and long fight that you won. Hugs OP and

I've not posted in years but read this and couldn't believe the complete and utter disgraceful behaviour your friend displayed to you.
Having had a double mastectomy myself i totally feel for you. She sounds very much the leader of the pack of wolves. I wouldn't be surprised if the others weren't as vicious as her ( but I could be wrong ). She sounds a thoughtless evil minded hurtful woman. Her attempt of an apology just added to the insult already caused. I would certainly copy this thread and post it to each and every member there on that night. I would give her wider knowledge of everyone's thoughts.
The ring leader doesn't deserve any more of your time. Life is too precious.

Congratulations on your all clear Op, wonderful news. There are far more caring people out there and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Take care, xx

I have nothing new to add really. Just want to reiterate that you look amazing- do not let this knock your confidence. You said in a post that it looks worse than it does in the pic etc etc- do not let that self doubt creep in. It is hard when someone you are close to is the one undermining your confidence. I love the top and I hope you keep dressing in a way that you are comfortable with.

Sounds like your "friend" had some issues. I am sorry you have lost your friendship group- I guess the reaction of the others may let you know whether there is anything salvageable there.

My blood is BOILING on your behalf OP - that 'apology' email???? F*#%ing Hell!!!! What an absolutely utterly bloody cow!

I'm glad that they've all fallen out over it - what utter c*#ts. You are being so magnanimous! I would rent out a giant billboard somewhere with lots of traffic and display her email for all to see!

It's the hiding away of scars that makes them 'taboo', and upsetting for the women/men who have them. Showing them normalizes them.

Plus - imagine that there was a woman there that night at another table who had recently gone through a similar procedure - she would have seen your scar, felt solidarity, seen how great you looked and how unconcerned you were about it showing, and that would have given her more confidence about her newly changed body. You are an inspiration - f^*k the haters

Xx

PS I suspected from your initial post that her (possibly their) reaction was motivated by her feeling you were taking the attention away from her - and the email just confirms that for me. What a vile cow to be unable to deal with that on your birthday and on the celebration of your 5 yrs clear.

There are no words for that e mail. That is not an apology. You look amazing in that too OP.

To me that 'apology' read

Dear Ella,
Everyone is blaming me Even though they are as big of cunts as I am and so please be ok with us being uncaring and unthoughtful, we can't cope with being told we're bad people.

To be honest even if it is lumpy in real life, it merely looks like a tan line.

Firstly, happy birthday, and congratulations on the five years clear!

Secondly... Fucking hell, that email! What she said to you was pretty awful, but that email! It's a fine example of a self-centred non-apology.

fucking twat bitch

say to her i had my cancer cut out shame you cantdo the same with your personality

utter twot

Op what absolute bitches those friends, or at least the spokesperson and email writer, are.

You looked beautiful and have a damn right to wear what you like. And her reference to skirt in knickers doesn't even work, cos her objection was not to a breast being on show, but your particular breast. Bitch!

My DD has facial scarring, and works in a public facing role. A customer recently asked her why she 'hadn't bothered' getting them fixed, "as without those scars you would actually be quite pretty" ! FFS who says that to a teenage stranger?

She was upset but her manager had words with the customer, told her she didn't have to ever serve him again etc. Because some things are never right to say, and the customer was quite rightly called out on it.

Ella. I have a 16 year old mastectomy scar and your post has shaken me to the core. If any of my friends had said and written that to me I would probably have passed out. Seriously, I am quite a tough person but I could never be friends with people like this again .... the harm is done. What a spiteful ugly person she must be. I hope all the lovely support on here will carry you through this. Celebrate your 5 years and ditch them xx

You look fab Ella.

You lot rock.

Mn at its finest.

I'd be furious at that non-apology. She's so desperate to make it look like she's been the victim here. What a tosser. She's either deluded, or she's panicking because she realises she did a terrible thing and needs to look like a good person so everyone will still be her friend.

I'm so glad your DH is such a star. You and your top looked great, but your friend seems so threatened by you that even the risk that you may accidentally attract attention as a result of surviving cancer is too much for her.

I'm sorry she's shown you what sort of person she really is. The consolation is that the others all know now, too. Surely it's just one weird narcissist and the others will be horrified by what actually took place...?

Ella

You went out with supposed friends
Who are incapable of making amends
For comments full of bile and shite
You now know what they are really like

You had great news about your recovery
So don't let this recent discovery
Forget that your surgery scar
Is a part of the person you are

A woman who's faced up to cancer
Who accepted radical treatments as the answer
Ella, with the life affirming scar
Us Mumsnetters salute you for ALL that you are

I think I've entered the Twilight Zone. That email What an absolute load of shit. You're best shot of a twat like that.

And for what it's worth, had I seen your upper boob last Friday, I would have thought you'd been on your hols and had been wearing a strapless bikini, hence the different skin tone. And also been jealous that you can pull off that colour of top as it washes me out.

Cancer card my arse. Stupid stupid twat bag.

That email is just awful. Im genuinely shocked. Of course cancer surgery scars are akin to bad breath or a skirt tucked into your pants. Theyre utter twats.

I post rarely, but had to respond to this one. First, the top is lovely and the scar barely noticeable. Based on the bathroom conversation and the email, I would have expected Frankenstein's monster! For crying out loud, I'd say you quite deserve to play the cancer card at every opportunity after what you've been through! You can get one here: stupidcancerstore.org/the-cancer-card/ I know, because I got one for myself when I was going through radiation this summer for my own breast cancer. When my surgeon said that due to the location of my cancer, a scar might be visible when wearing a bathing suit or evening gown, I almost laughed. WHO CARES! Just get the cancer out of there and let me get on with my life.

Congrats on the five-year mark! Your husband sounds like a keeper!

A few things cross my mind...Ella, you are a survivor and I'm glad you are currently healthy after your treatment...If friends-of-thirty-plus-years are aware of the issues of have had with your health and the long hard battles you have had to fight to be alive then it's pretty crap of them to have discussed this issue behind your back and collectively decided something along the lines of 'looking at your scars puts us off our food' ! A more appropriate comment might've been something along the lines of 'is that a new top, a birthday present?' I would hope friends I've had for that long would accept me scars and all, as such. Good friends are had to come by and sometimes hard to keep, so I would carefully weigh up how much you value their friendship before burning any bridges, but I can see why you are upset and feel a bit angry on your behalf as you should expect more from your friends. Nobody should be making you feel uncomfortable and your friend should've left the subject alone and apologised for getting it wrong after you told her you were OK about glimpses of your scars during the evening. Pretty rubbish of them to ruin your birthday meal for you, to make you cry, and leave you with all these confusing and painful thoughts - sounds like you've had enough of life's curveballs to deal with, and they of all people could show a little more understanding, compassion and acceptance - crass comments like those would be hard enough to tolerate from strangers sniping - please don't let this incident change how you feel about yourself, or your wardrobe - be yourself - and your friends should love you for being you. My apologies for not offering any real advice, guess only you can decide what, if any, course of action to take or whether to speak to the friends concerned - get it out in the open as such! Whatever you decide to do, I hope your recovery continues and that you don't let the stress of this knock you back too much. Oh, and one last thing, I'd be bloody 'touchy' in your shoes - you have as much right to your anger and touchiness as you do to selecting your own wardrobe. Best wishes :)

I might be a little bit in love with you all

I think we are all a bit in love with your DH

errrrr.....does he have a brother? Hmmmm just asking, no reason

Loreleigh
If you read the updates you would see that the bridges were well burnt by the winner of the 'Biggest bitch of the century'

This is literally the first time that I really, really hope a link to this thread reaches the er...right people/person.

That bloody email deserves every last comment here.