To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

Rude idiots. They're the ones with the issue. If they're true friends, the fact that you are comfortable in your own skin, should make them feel comfortable around you. Her trying to say she's only mentioning it so that you're comfortable - idiot - deflecting their/her issue onto you. There was no real concern for you, it was all about making themselves feel comfortable. As the other person said, if you had a scar on your face, are you supposed to wear a mask? I'd say, just distance yourself from such people. Just because you've known them for so long doesn't mean you have to continue to be in contact, especially if they've made you sad. Of course it's normal for that conversation to play on your mind but soon you'll let it go. Just be positive by meeting new people. The fact that you have a positive outlook despite what you've been through shows that you're halfway there. Don't let so-called friends get you down.

Sorry, just realised your DH has already circulated it!

Ella - you're explaining your scar and dimpling and whatever else - TOTALLY NOT NECESSARY

It really wouldn't matter how bad or not bad the scarring is. There may have been a thread of hope at reconciliation but that email is everything you need to understand - that person is not nice.

It's almost as if she's annoyed at you for having a cancer card to play, for having a scar that reminds everyone that you've lived and being able to 'play the victim' if you choose - which is exactly what you didn't do and which she wishes she could do.

Me, me f*king me. I'm outraged! I don't think i've ever posted so much on MN.

And it's reciprocal - I think we all are a little in love with you too and wish we could be your friends instead of that bitch face. Let's hope she never has to go through anything close to what you've faced - she clearly would not cope at all

Completely scrap what my last msg said about 'friends '!!!
I've just caught up regarding the conversation etc.
What absolute dicks! !!!
Definitely tell them to get to f☆☆k .
You sound lovely, they definitely do not deserve your worry or upset.
You've shown cancer whee to go, no show them! Arsewipes! !!! 😠

I agree with Louise e mail her, and thank her for showing her true colours. Truefrie DS do not behave in the way they are behaving. Life is too short to waste on them, so bye bye and good riddence!

OMG.... That's an apology?

What's with the "I do think it is emotional blackmail, using the cancer card "... Seriously....Is she the full ticket? And likening their behaviour to giving someone the heads up about bad breath? You must surely be asking yourself, who on earth have you been hanging around with for the past thirty years? These people are unfathomable in the depths of their STUPIDITY.
Can I also say on a very shallow note (worthy of your friends) that to my eyes your boobs look great. I speak as the sad owner of two long, shapeless pointy ones, not one bit pert (like two carrots in a string bag actually). I would be exceedingly pleased if mine were a fraction as pert as yours. as for the differentiation in skin colour, well mine are the colour of bread dough and yours look waaaaay better.

Congrats on your birthday. If I knew you I'd be baking you a cake. May 2017 see continued good health and a pot load of decent friends in your life. As this list shows there are some decent people rattling around out there. xx

I'm so sorry your friends treated you like this. If you were my friend, your scars would be a reminder of how lucky I am to still have you. That email was completely insulting.

PLAYING THE CANCER CARD?

I have no words.

You will be better off without these people eventually. I'm sorry they have caused you additional pain.

Thank god for your DH.

The email was sent because by that woman (can't say friend) because her actions have impacted on her negatively. Be in no doubt she doesn't give a shit how you feel OP, only that she has been shown up to be mean spirited, ridiculous and intensely envious of you.

The mail itself is so far removed from an apology it is actually another attack on you.

I think that they behaved appallingly, and revealed a fair degree of ignorance. Your friend was incredibly insensitive too.

However, to preserve your friendship, and for your sake, they need to know how they made you feel. It must be horrible for you, knowing that they went through the whole ordeal with you, for them to then ask you then to cover up your scars. Your scars are as much as part of their furniture as you are so to speak. I expect my best friends to love me pretty much unconditionally, as I do them.

I hope you get the opportunity and strength to let them know how you feel, as they deserve to x

I really hope it works out xx

But congrats on the all clear and all the best for a very long and happy future without people like her dragging you down.

I totally concur with everything everyone here has said - your 'friend' is a total cunt and your DH is great.

I know I am going to sound like a weirdo here, but I think the scar looks great! It's like a battle scar - you only have it because you survived and you are tough, and brave and ALIVE! I have and have had lost wonderful friends who had/have scars like yours and to me they are beautiful.

Fucking hell!
Well isn't she a joy?
I was cringing at her complete insensitivity. What comes over loud and clear is she is actually trying to blame you for the fall out. She's holding you responsible! How fucking dare she. I'm glad your dh shared it to show her up for what she is.

OP: I have been to hell and back in the last 13 years health-wise (and therefore also in terms of jobs, money, relationships etc too), so I know what having good friends means and I too have had to cull some of my old 'friends', who, for whatever reason, were seriously lacking when it came to support, kindness and understanding during this period...

I think the others have said it all with regard to how your gang behaved that night and what sort of people they are, so I only have one thing to say...

If you live anywhere near-ish to Battersea/Clapham Junction, I would love to arrange a big local girls night out, with anyone on here who has contributed to this thread invited too. I think serious cocktails in a lovely, trendy bar and loads of new FUN AND SUPPORTIVE female friends are in order!

At the very least, you will have a fun night out with people who are there for absolutely the right reasons - but I suspect you would go home at the end of the night with much, much more than that! (Potential GENUINE friends for life!)

What do you/others think?!!

Xxx

I'm utterly aghast.

No decent friend would compare your surgery scars to bad breath or a tucked in skirt. I've got surgery scars, I'd also be horrified and bewildered if my so-called friends of some years did this at the restaurant then sent that email. Leave them to squirm.

So sorry they behaved this way to you. I think you & your top looks amazing. As are you - and your DH!

I just want to give you a hug too OP

Ella, that top is a beautiful colour and really suits your skin tone.

That e mail is hilarious (if it wasn't so unpleasant).

It translates as:

"Dear Ella,
You totally over reacted so it is your own fault you are upset. I mean sorry you are feeling upset, but it isn't actually our fault.

You should be able to deal with comments about hiding your body as if it was something like having your skirt tucked into your knickers. We tried to do you a favour, getting you to cover your body, which is what you should do, and you over-reacted and are trying to make out it is our fault you are upset by playing the cancer card and guilt tripping us.

And now, because if you, other members of the group have fallen out and everyone is having a go at me. So will you just drop it so they start being nice to me again?"

An actual apology would be wholehearted and totally unequivocal and with no justifications.

Despite having three friends with un- reconstructed masectomies (one a double) and one with a reconstruction I've never seen a real life scar. As you were obviously aware that you had inadvertently exposed it , I would probably have said quietly to you at some point in the evening how impressed I was with how neatly it had been done .Which it looks to have been. ..Possibly not the soul of tact, me....?
Would that my friend who died at 53 of breast cancer were around to 'flaunt'her scars .And please God my other friend who has recently had a lumpectomy and is undergoing radiotherapy doesn't feel she needs to hide her scar next time we go clothes shopping together . (Her prognosis is excellent)
.So glad you have had a five year all clear OP.Wear your scars with pride.I hate the term 'fighting cancer' but they are a badge of honour .And if your friend cant see that let her go .

1. they were upset about that top showing off your boobs? seriously ffs. I'd say it looks great and that slippage show what? what could be construed as a bikini line 🙄 offensive it isn't. Also that scar looks v neat 🙂

1. Apology? not much. If she'd said, i'm so sorry that i've upset you, i wasn't thinking straight and you are always such a positive/go for it person that i didn't realise it would cause you such pain, I've been an idiot and i've not just upset you but the entire dynamic of our friendship group over something ridiculous. i'm truly sorry. - i'd have been inclined to give her another chance, spoken to her as i'd said in my earlier post.

But seriously, that isn't an apology that is heartfelt, dump the biatch. Her loss, and obviously other people have seen it.....

Few points:

1 - considering all you've been through, that is not a scar. I was fully expecting a full on Jaws thing going on- it is so neat and tidy and just not something I'd ever bat an eyelid over.

2 - excuse the vulgarity, but you have a cracking rack!

3 - that top is GORGEOUS

4 - your husband is fab

5 - that was in no way, shape or form an apology. Actually I think it's worse than the "event" itself.

6 - they are not your friends.

7 - this is their loss, not yours

I think you're fab Ella - you've handled this with complete dignity and they should be utterly ashamed

That horrible woman - who frankly has probably never really been your friend - isn't worth the steam off your shit (as my DGF used to say!)

Please don't let this ugly episode dent your confidence - you haven't done anything wrong, it isn't really even about you. It's about that ego centric, warped, twisted woman - what a bitter, shrivelled little soul she must have.

I wish I could be your friend, have some

This thread has had me in tears on your behalf OP (pregnancy hormones) I'm shocked and saddened on your behalf. Reading her email did actually make me wretch (again pregnancy hormones) at the cancer card bit...unbelievably shocking!

You're amazing, don't ever forget that!

And good on your DH too.

I know falling out with people under any circumstances is not nice but this is truly awful so I'm so sorry you're going through this.

What a prize cow. Good on your DH.

Ella, you warrior

Twos up to your "pals" x

What a bunch of twats! I would be sorely tempted to email a link to this thread to the offenders (and all mutual friends obvs). That email would be laughable if it wasn't so hurtful. Reading your thread I imagined how I would feel at dinner with any of my beautiful friends showing ugly cancer scars and it made me cry to think that anyone could be so cruel. I would be bloody glad to still have them around. Then I saw your pics and your scars are barely noticeable and not ugly at all (and who the fuck has the right to care anyway?!). I wish I was your friend. I would have fucking told them

I do hope your DH pointed out that that was the reverse of an apology? I was cross enough when I read that PA reference to being surprised that "you reacted so badly to a well meant piece of advice" - talk about victim blaming! But then equating showing a bit of scarring with someone tucking their skirt into their knickers as if it was something you should be embarrassed about is crass in the extreme; and all that horrible stuff about emotional blackmail, the cancer card, and playing the victim is simply dreadful.

I'd want to reply with something pithy along the lines of the fact that you're glad your cancer could be cut out, what a pity the inherent nastiness in her character can't be dealt with the same way.

However, it's heartening to see her statement that "This has all caused ructions with everyone, * and are not speaking at all and * has had a go at me too. It is such a shame". It looks therefore as if at least two other members of the group are disgusted at her behaviour.