To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

I am 😱😱😱😱😱😡😡😡😡😡😡 that she told you, that you always get on with it, instead of playing the victim. So it's ok for you to be ill, just do it away from them, where they cannot see or be near it! No wonder yiu pushed them away, their kind of friendship is what you don't need! What scars, you hardly notice them, you look fantastic😍😍😍😍. Ditch the lot of them, be happier. Tgey are not good friends, they have proved that!

Playing the cancer card and acting the victim? What an utter cunt.

I had someone you know who you are you cunt throw that accusation at me on here once and I was devastated.

You have to remind yourself this says everything you need to know about her, and doesn't reflect badly on you at all. You have done nothing wrong and nobody with a shred of decency would say otherwise.

Wtaf that email is bloody awful. How insensitive can one person be! Your top is gorgeous and I apologise for my earlier post. Your "friends" don't have a leg to stand on, there is nothing at all wrong with your outfit.

Your breasts look mighty fine to be honest! Slighlty different colour skin but for all I know you were sunbathing.

It's easy for me to call her a cunt and tell you you're better off without her but she was a lifelong friend and maybe not today but at some point you might miss her - it's ok to be gutted. Life has given you a crap hand and the very least we can hope for is good friends to help us through.

I hope now you can clear out the dead grass there's room for newer better friendships to come forward

Good grief. She's equating your reconstructed decolletage to bad breath or tucked in skirt? There is nothing embarrassing or unpleasant about scars (and as others have said yours just looks like a tan line anyway!)

Even if she doesn't realise what she's done wrong, you'd think she'd have the good grace to apologise properly now she realises how upset you are. Not a pathetic "sorry but" which is never a real sorry. And trying to make you feel bad for the ructions - how nasty.

Hope nice friend realises he wasn't included in your DH's "bunch of shits"?

Way to go your husband, fanrastic stuff. They are nasty, superficial idiots. My good friend survived breast cancer and had a single mastectomy, I woukd never ever dream of opening my mouth and delivering such rampant verbal diahorrea. I guess engage brain, did not feature when they let their mouths run.

I know it's all already been said but dear god that email is the final straw! In your shoes I might have been able to get past what was said on the night, perhaps thinking she hadn't articulated very well or whatever. Her email makes it very clear though that you are expected to go out of your way to ensure they never catch the slightest glimpse of your scar, that even inadvertently reminding them of your illness is "playing the cancer card". On no planet could it be mistaken for an apology!

Op, this must be so bloody hurtful especially coming from such a long established friendship group. To be honest I don't reckon there's any going back from that. Even if you wanted to try it would sadly always be there in the back of your mind. I really hope the rest of them are embarrassed and ashamed.

Jesus H Christ, just read all of this. That email is not an apology! I would disown the evil cow who sent that tbh, doesn't sound like you have ever 'played the cancer card'.

If I'm honest I've not got experience of seeing mastectomy/reconstruction scars and as I read through the thread I was expecting something quite bad. Then I got to the pics. There is nothing offensive whatsoever about the pics you posted, the evil witch who suggested you were showing off sounds jealous tbh! Jealous maybe that you can be comfortable enough in your skin to wear what you want.

Massive congrats to you on getting the all clear, do not let these morons knock you. Your DH sounds great and I hope you manage to say friends with the other nice husband.

Ampersand that ring theory is great.

OP, I'm really, really sorry. I know how much it hurts to lose friends you thought were yours for life.

I would be absolutely devastated if my supposed friends spoke to me like that, completely unforgivable no matter how long the friendship.
I've been on here a while and this is one of the most shocking things I've read to be honest.

That "apology" is worse than the actual incident IMO and that was appalling. Trying to justify her behaviour is disgusting and the victim blaming is unspeakable. And there's a big bloody difference between handing someone a polo mint and suggesting they overdid the onions, and telling you that they're put off eating by a scar that you got due to major surgery to SAVE YOUR FRICKIN LIFE!
Your top is gorgeous, and your scar is barely noticeable - I thought I was looking at a tan line first of all. But frankly it wouldn't matter if you had more scars than the Bride of Frankenstein and bolts in your neck besides, they're meant to be your friends and they should be proud of you and thrilled to be seen with you. You deserve better.

My jaw hit the floor reading that "apology". I feel sick.
I'm so so sad for you. I can't imagine how betrayed you must feel. Please never ever give these bitter, spiteful, deluded bitches the time of day again. You are far, far too good for them.

I can't believe that email. How on earth is that supposed to be an apology?

I think you're well shot of them Ella. You don't need friends like that.

OP, both you and your DH sound lovely. You deserve better friends.

Sometimes I wonder if people involved in a thread from the other viewpoint might ever stumble across a thread about themselves on MN. Never before have I so desperately hoped they do, to see the pages and pages of people agreeing (and let's face it on AIBU there's very little agreeing ;)) that they are shallow, horrible shits.

for you OP and some too to celebrate the all clear and your birthday.

So she was ok with you having cancer, as long as you cracked on and didn't winge about it?

Your ex-friend is an utter cuntface.

That email apology is as bad as the original comment seriously is this woman self aware at all?? What a joke !!!

I don't see the issue at all I don't ! I can barely see any scar on the pic and even if I could so what ?!? I think your top is nice and you look fab in it .

We upset you? "We"? I can't believe that she can be this vile, blame it on all the others too, which makes it worse thru collusion and then come out with this crap about emotional blackmail and cancer cards.

I am literally aghast

OMFG

Please scrap everything I said previously. This person is a complete bitch.

F*king passive aggressive, insincere, jumped up little excuse of a person. Nasty piece of work who is unwilling to take responsibility for what she did.

Comparing your scar (which I can't actually see, btw - I have similar skin discolouration from sunburn when I was younger, on my back) to bad breath or a social faux pas. Truly unbelievable!!! This person has zero idea how dysfunctional they are.

To finish it off with the cancer card and the flash your boobs comments - just mind blowing. It was your cancer scars which caused such a furore - how can you respond and NOT mention cancer. Deluded, selfish, miserable person.

I would add though, the response is as if they're speaking for everyone, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's true...

You're well rid of this person. Who needs someone like that in their lives!

You could have the most obvious, eyecatching scar tissue in the world and there would still be absolutely nothing wrong with not covering it from view. Moreover, as it happens, from the pics you've shared, I am at even more of a loss to understand what those stupid cows were blathering on about. As for that email - wow. She is an unmitigated cunt.

I'm sorry you're feeling crap after being on such a (well deserved ) high.
It's a shame that you don't want to hear the offending friends out. 30 yrs is a long time.
Is this person normally careless with her mouth? Or had she maybe drunk too much?
Unless you speak to the others you won't know if they played any part in the awkward silence. It may be they were outraged by her attitude and not your scars??
My mum has a breast cancer scar and doesn't like to show it. Each to their own.
I think you should know you're an inspiration to many women , me included. It wouldn't bother me one iota to see a scar anywhere on anyone.
Some scars you can't see, nobody should judge.
Be yourself, you’re doing grand 💐

How on earth does wearing a top that shows your scars a little equate to playing the victim???!! (And I don't think it looks bad at all - certainly not attention seeking)

Is it that it reminded her that you have been very ill in the past and made her realise she was a sh*t friend who didn't support you, and thinks it was designed to make her feel guilty about it? Or that it detracts attention from her?? In any case she sounds utterly horrendous and I would never be friends with someone like that again. What a hideous person!!!

Your former friend is fucking insane. Even if she did have your best interests at heart (she didn't) and was trying to spare your blushes (she wasn't) at the very most it looks like a tan line. That's all anyone would think when they saw it. You are well rid of her.

Happy birthday, congrats on your recent prognosis & here's to new friends

Have to say, the top is gorgeous on you and matches your skin tone perfectly, I do hope you'll continue wearing it, and if there is a little/lot slippage, ( or you choose to wear it round your waist/head) so F'n what!

What a pathetic indignant non apology from your friend, it's so sad when people show their true colours, but that dismissive PA email says so much about her lack of empathy and bullying nature. I had to say farewell to a long standing friend about 2 years ago, she blindsided me with behaviour that I'd never expected, and humiliated me in a very public manner. She also couldn't see beyond her own perspective and never apologised. I saw her in a totally different light after that and knew things would never be the same. I gradually reduced contact and we haven't spoken in over a year. I don't miss her.

life is far too precious to have such toxic people bringing you down, especially when you have overcome so much.

xx

"Cancer card?" "Playing the victim?"

Jesus Christ what a totally poisonous bitch! She is not a "lifelong friend", no friend would behave like that. She's probably always been jealous of you. I would respond thanking her for showing her true colours so that you no longer have to waste any time on her because having cancer has shown you life is too short to bother with people who are not positive in your life (and copy her e mail and your reply to the others to make sure they know just what she is.) Then block her number, e mail etc. Cut her out of your life - completely.

The top is gorgeous btw and I cannot believe their comments, all you can see is a slightly different skin colour.

Of all the threads I've read on MN, this has to be one of the worst. I am astounded at her utter lack of sympathy and empathy.

I was on the fence until seeing the pictures and their email. You have every right to be offended. Your top is lovely and not too revealing at all, I was imaging something slipping down below boob level