To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

I don't normally post (I'm a lurker). In fact this might be my first.

But I just wanted to send hugs as I really feel for you. This must have been so hurtful for you OP. At first I wondered if your friend had just worded things in the loo a little....wrong and that they were feeling awkward as they could sense you were awkward with a wardrobe failure. But if what the other DH is true then.....I am truly shocked.

And you know what? Even if you were 'showcasing' your scars, so what? You've been through so much. Perhaps you need some attention on what you've been through and to gain confidence in your 'new' body and scars. It shows strength. I hope you have support from some true friends, whether that be your DH or others.

You've had some fantastic news at the end of a long journey. Please don't let one night and a group of friends ruin that. You are amazing.

Can't add anything others have not already said.
Am I the only one who wants to see this lovely top you really liked and wore with pride?

I think the key word here is 'jealous'. I'm guessing that you're a beautiful woman Ella.

This post took my breath away and it's the first time I've read one and felt compelled to comment!
Firstly, how amazing you are. You've managed to battle through cancer, operations and follow-up treatments- the full works. And now you have the all clear. What a marvellous, strong woman you are.
Now my feedback on your query:

• I empathise with your mixed up feelings of hurt, anger and whatever else. Your friends' comment clearly came as a shock and stung badly,

I think it might be useful to give yourself some more time to reflect. The intense feelings of hurt etc might be in a different place after another week or two.

• think a face to face meeting (with your husband there for suppport) might well be the way forward. It would be such a shame to end 30 years of friendship, without first attempting to review the comment in the context of a fresh conversation. Might be really hard, but the outcome could be hopeful!
• If you do decide to meet with her, ultimately, go with your gut.
• self care and more self care!!! Do as much of what makes your heart sing as you can, you bloody well deserve it!

With the very best of luck X

what user1478982252 said

I was trying to say same but this user says it way better

Wow appalling. I'm not interested in people who only wish to be friends with me on one level, friends who are only prepared to accept me in one dimension.
As your friend, I would want to see your scar, I would want us to celebrate it.
Our lives are written on our bodies, no one is perfect and actually I don't want perfection - how dull is that?
We are all a part of our experiences, our love, our pain, our injuries, our diseases. We are a product of our lives. Your friends are shallow and thoughtless ... I hope you are able to find the strength to move on.

I think it was a disgustingly hurtful thing to say and whatever your gut instinct tells you about the intent is probably correct. BUT rather than second guessing you need to talk to her to establish exactly who was uncomfortable and why. There's no point trying to guess, it leads to serioys misunderstandings. Steel yourself for the truth but be open to the possibility you're wrong and ask her.

Why the actual fuck would Ella ever want to be anywhere near these bitches again?

They couldnt see down to her naval, just a bit of the top of the scar which is lighter than the rest of her skin.

Acusing her of 'flaunting' her scar because a little bit showed NOT her whole boob just a bit of scar.
Acusing her of 'showcasing her scar'?
'Attention seeking' she looked 'bloody awful'
It was just a bit of skin lighter than the rest... it wasnt an open wound seeping pus on their dinner!

Nobody in their right mind would say such a thing to their friend of 30 years. Is Ella supposed to wear a button up blouse/jumper from now on in case anyone else catches a glimpse of her scar?

Glad you are now free of all the bastards in your life both cancer and those so called friends. Heres to your future with real friends who love you for who you are and dont care that you, like them and the rest of us are imperfect

THingamajiggy
RTFT there is no need to guess what they meant, they have made it quite clear. They are complete selfish bastards, no going back they threw 30 years of friendship away in a moments utter selfishness.

user1478982252 & mammamic
see above.

Willow2016 totally with you

I've been guilty of saying the most stupid, inappropriate, reactionary, not thought out things when put on the spot and immediately realised how effing stupid I've been. I think this may be a case of that, IYSWIM

Having the courage to own and fix is something I've learnt - it doesn't come naturally to most of the human race. At a base level, we are programmed to fight or run. These responses that OP's DH got seem so outrageous that it's difficult to think that lifelong friends of such a long, long time would say these things rationally.

I'm not excusing anything - simply trying to fathom why this could have happened. What was said is totally inexcusable and nasty - if my friends said things like this I would be convinced that they didn't mean it. It doesn't make it any less bad or painful.

They've body shamed you. It's fucking disrespectful and cruel. I actually can't believe they've done that after what they've seen what you've been through. I'm so sorry OP but I would cut them out and I'd bloody well made sure they knew why. Absolutely awful treatment from people who are supposed to be your friends.

My sister has a large scar below her neck which runs down her cleavage from heart surgery and if anyone ever told/asked her to cover it up i'd be livid. People have surgeries and a scar is a sign you have survived... no one should ever make you feel embarassed about it. Wear whatever makes you happy and forget them... i doubt your friend even thought about how she would feel if she were in your position and someone she thought was a friend made comments like that.

Aaaaggghhh, just typed a long post and lost it!

Sorry for being slow to get back, it has been a long day!

First of all, remind me what a nipple is wombat, then i might remember to treat my scar the same way 😊 And those thinking i was wearing a very revealing top, i wasnt. I have attached two pics a before and after (though the after is me yanking my top right down - it did not show that much at all on Friday, it was more when i was leaning forward).

Nice friend rang today to see how i was, but i missed his call. Supposedly best friend sent an email....... DH has circulated it to everyone in group on friday with a note saying that whilst I had appreciated the apology, he had no interest in being friends with a group of such petty, small minded, nasty shits.

I really just wanted to give you the conclusion to this saga - nothing more to say really, just thank you for the wonderful support you have shown - it has actually made this easier to cope with.

I was going to pick out bits of what was in emaip received, but cba, so copied and pasted.

Once more - thanks 😚

Hi Ella,

Just a quick mail to say that we are sorry if we upset you on Friday, we certainly did not mean to, but were surprised that you reacted so badly to a well meant piece of advice to be honest. However, we certainly do not this to impact on our friendship so hope we can put this behind us.

As *** said, we have always been open with each other - if i had bad breath that was likely to upset those around me, i would welcome you telling me. If i had tucked my skirt into my knickers i would expect you to tell me, and this is no different. We could all see your scar and different coloured skin and if we could, then anyone else could too. I do think it is emotional blackmail, using the cancer card and you have NEVER done that, you have always just got on with it, so it came as a bit of a shock to see you playing the victim.

I admit we could have handled it better and i am sorry that we upset you, please forgive me.

This has all caused ructions with everyone, * and * are not speaking at all and has had a go at me too. It is such a shame.

Lets forget it and just go forward now. You can hang your breasts out as much as you like and we wont blink twice - anything to get over this awfulness!

Take care and see you soon.

Hop, I don't think I'd see them face to face, as its liable to turn into an argument. Could I suggest that you write a letter to them? Not an angry one, but one explaining how they made you feel and the pain they have caused you. They can't shout back at a letter, but it may have more impact on them.

It was my friend's 2nd anniversary November past and it will be my darling husband's 2nd anniversary in March. I would give anything to have them sitting across from me, no matter how many scars they'd have. Actually, scars would be a wonderful thing to look at, because it would mean they survived. There is no excuse for their behaviour. 💐

On the plus side, your husband's friend sounds awesome and hopefully his wife feels thoroughly ashamed.

OP, not hop. 😳

I'm sorry I was so angry for you I completely jumped the gun and didn't RTFT, sorry Ella

Wow. That was her opportunity to apologise & she has accused you of using the cancer card & playing the victim.
Don't see how she can come back from that.
The top is not revealing at all. Don't see how it could offend anyone.
Take care of yourself op.

That's not an apology. Arseholes.

First of all Ella, I think the top is lovely, and if your scar shows, well it's fuck all to do with anyone else. Shouldn't be looking at your boobs anyway
That email is awful, "cancer card"??? Ooft.
I'm glad the thread has helped, your DH sounds lovely, all the best

Jeez - what awful behaviour. Your top looks nice, and the scar is barely noticeable. I suspect it was the friend who spoke to you who really had some sort of weird issue with it, and not the others. Sorry this has happened, OP. I didn't even like the tone of the supposedly apologetic email. New year - new friends!

WOW! WHAT A FUCKING CUNT!

I can't believe that fucker actually thinks that's an apology. If anyone's acting the VICTIM, it's her. Jesus Christ, I would never let that fucker across my doorstep again. She's making it seem as if it's all your fault! 😡 Forget what I suggested, nothing would through that thick skull of hers.

Your top is gorgeous and I'm not just saying that. I really do love it. Do you mind if I ask where you got it?

Talk about an over reaction. I might glance at your chest if I saw that, that's if I even noticed it, but in no way does it stand out or look obvious. It's just.a.fucking.scar! Fuck, I'd have balled her out if I'd overheard the fucker.

What a fucking passive aggressive gaslighting reply! Cancer card?! Playing the victim! Fucking hell!

"SapphireStrange

Maybe just best to treat the scar the same way you would a nipple.

Seriously?

It's not an erogenous zone. What if it was on a part of the body more commonly exposed, like a hand or forearm, or face? Would you expect the OP to trowel on make-up for those who can't 'cope' with it?

Are you one of the 'friends'?"

Agreed. That comment is as pitiful as the behaviour of those odious women. A scar should not have to be hidden as if it is going to offend somebody. How outrageous to write something so unpleasant and insensitive.

Your top is lovely and you're looking absolutely fine in the second pic. I've no idea how anyone could possibly be offended.
The email you were sent was cringy, patronising, PA and rude. Your former friends sound like dicks.