To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

The thing is some scars are where they can't be covered are they then going to tell a really good mate they are putting them off their dinner! I'm sure (I hope) this friend didn't realise how awful she was being - but have to say I'd struggle if my good friends had said this to me and clearly been talking behind my back!

So sorry you had to go through this. Your friends behaved appallingly. I would only say take a deep breath and think about things before you let the friendships go. Their behaviour was most likly a reflection of their own insecurities. As exaltedwombat says - they couldnt cope. I imagine they will be very shocked things have blown up.

As these are life long friendships I think it is worth trying to figure out if they are worth saving. Friends are invaluable. And meanwhile set about making / keeping some new ones. Good luck.

My scars go from above my elbow to my fingers - some big (6 inches long, 3/4 inch wide) and coloured, others smaller. To cover them, I'd have to wear long sleeves and gloves. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't - just like all other non erogenous parts of my body.
Being told by someone that a part of my body was unfit to be seen? Thats far, far, far more of an issue than Brexit.

If it were me the friendship would be forever damaged. I would never be able to see them as anything but shallow, unkind twats.

I'd say - they have been lifelong friends for a reason. Better to thrash it out with them (not all at once), & let them know how upset you were. Don't lose all that was good about the friendships without giving them a chance to win you back. You may find that it is all storm in a teacup; that some are more thoughtful than others; or that you just want to move on afterwards. But good friends are worth keeping, if possible.

Utterly wide-eyed reading this OP!
It was most likely one of those moments where your hubby would've had to be there to hear that this "friend" made it clear your scar was making HER uncomfortable .
Don't berate yourself for taking offence to this . Your friend was speaking out of turn and instead of making you feel self conscious about your scars she should just be bloody happy for you that you've got the confidence to wear a nice top without being too paranoid about your scars.
How dare she.
It's actually made me mad on your behalf and I can safely say if it was one of my mates as long as she was happy and comfortable I wouldn't bat a bloody eye.
Keep your head held high OP!
This person sounds like a right weapon!

Lanurinth the damage has already been done, it's too far gone to repair. These friends have shown their true colours to you, sorry it took 30 years. The friendships are damaged now. Don't minimise it, not a storm in a teacup but horrid nasty and disablist comments aimed at op from these friends. So nobody phoned yiu up from Friday to see whether your ok, some friends.

I endured a horrendous childhood. I don't showcase my feelings on the abuse etc. I never use it to dismiss unacceptable behaviour on my part. But when my friend of 30yrs inforned me that my cold aloofness to a very traumatic incident turned her stomach. Then went on to list what's wrong with me, but added the caveat " your know I love you, that is why I'm saying this to you". I knew that was the end. I wanted shot of her. I have identified a pattern of similar behaviour over the years. That was November. To date I have not missed her.

They couldn't cope??? Seriously what are they 12??
Are you one of the friends?

my jaw dropped open when i read that OP. these sound like AWFUL people that i would most certainly not want anything to do with. easier said than done i know but you must let them go although give them a good ticking off first (at least that is what i would do). what a fucking cold hearted nasty bitch. i find it hard to believe that you have been friends with her all these years without her nasty side ever surfacing. you can do far better than that OP

I caught sight of my Mum's scar once and I couldn't bear it. She's an absolute trouper and I've been with her every step of the way. It wasn't that I was squeamish (because I'm not) and I couldn't be more proud if she walked around naked. It just made me feel so, so sad that someone I love had to go through so much. It made me feel angry.

Your friend was a bit ham-fisted and her wording was very crude. Though it's YOU who has been through the illness - believe me they will have spent nights crying and worrying over you after such a long friendship - it might just have brought it all back. Sometimes we just want to pretend you were never ill at all.

What utter, utter bastards! You deserve so much better. Sounds like you have a lovely hubby and at least one husband stood up for you. I hope they are thoroughly ashamed of themselves!

OP your DH is a star.
Look to the future.

Some people are unsupportive assholes. I'm sorry you found out that these two women are bitches. Maybe your DH could see the other man / man for a drink and try and reestablish a relationship with him. The women don't seem worth anyone's while.
Thinking about it, I'd have a real problem with my partner if he said anything like this about anyone. It might even be a deal breaker.

I have five scars on my abdomen and always wear a bikini. It has never occurred to me that other people might not feel as proud about them as I do. Each one is a stepping stone to health and happiness.

Consider your recovery a true victory. Well done, and Happy birthday!
Onwards and upwards.

I'm disgusted on your behalf by your horrible friends. How could anyone with even a shred of humanity think such things, let alone voice them to you? All the hugs to you, OP.

Maybe she could see to your navel? If this had happened 'before' you probably would have been embarrassed if she'd said that and accepted the offer of a top. I once had someone take me aside and suggest I cover my tummy, in the days when it was pretty flat, as it wasn't nice seeing my tummy when they were eating! I was deeply offended. How you react is up to you really. Was she truly offensive or was it that you thought she meant your scars but she was trying to be a good friend? (I'd hope a really good friend would offer a cover up if I was showing my breast area in public). You had obviously been fidgeting with it so perhaps it was well meant but came out all wrong.

I'd leave it a week to see if your friend contacts you. If not I'd send her an email explaining how upset you we're and to confirm if your scar was bothering them or if they were worried you felt self conscious. Sorry your birthday was spoiled 🎂❤️

Maybe it had more to do with the fact your "chest" was on show rather than ur scar.

I hate when my buddy wears low tops it makes me really uncomfortable because her chest is on show and she's reasonably flat chested.

Are you sure it's ur scar they didn't want to see? Maybe they were worried other people would be ogling you.

Hyacinth and Polly - RTFT

Your pal was being an asshole. Sorry. This posting really upset me. I read it out to my thirteen year old DD and even she was enraged. I despair of people sometimes. Then I read the great stuff that has been posted in reply to your posting, and think there are some really sound people out there. If you are going to dump these pals, would you send them the link to this post? A bit of plain speaking such as supplied here might be a wake up call. They may all be bolstering themselves with a kind of herd mentality and all kidding themselves that they were justified?
One other thing, could you pal have been a bit addled with drink to have spoken like that? I know that Cancer is a life changing, perception altering battle and you have emerged as an infinitely deeper person as a consequence. You are so right to be walking proud and to be unashamed of the lines on your body that mark your story. Your friends have shown themselves to be childish, and superficial. But hey- one in four of us will be affected and so the sad odds are that you will ultimately not be alone in your group affected by something like this. I have a scar on my arm. A colleague (who I really like, but then I have the hide of a rhino) used go "Urgh" when I referenced it and said she couldn't bear to look at it. She was very vain but since then she has had a serious op which has left her scarred. I would say she has grown up a lot. Not too much "Urghing" about my arm any more.

EllaKeat this must have been such a horrendous thing to deal with.

Firstly - congrats!! It must be so amazing to be signed off. A good friend is just recovering from the restructure surgery (also took tissue from her abdomen) and she's so looking forward to the day when she's signed off.

I don't have an opinion either way on the 'facts' as I've never been in that situation so I do not really know how I would react. I'm not good with scars but I am a good friend so I hope it would be that part of me that took precedence.

You said that things were said that can't be taken back. This does not mean that you and the group won't be able to come back from them. It is clearly and emotionally charged subject and event for everyone involved for different reasons. Devil's advocate hat being put on - I'm not excusing anything - what happened was dreadful and unacceptable - I'm just trying to see if there's other perspectives and ways to look at this.

You are clearly a sorted and strong individual - life threatening events change us and almost enlighten us in ways that normal Joe Bloggs would not get. You're happy with where you are and your body. You've lived it. Your friends haven't. I think their lack of understanding, uncomfortableness and total tactless approach is down to their limited life experience - REAL life experience. And that's not to say that they're any 'less' in any way. It's just a fact - they haven't had cancer, I presume. They haven't had to have massive life saving interventions. They haven't had to reevaluate their lives and their place in that life and what is important.

If they really are important to you and people you want in your life, you should all try to fix this, if it can be fixed. If they're not important enough - and again, nothing negative there - just fact - then let it go. Move on, make new friends.

I really hope you can mend what they stupidly broke in the most appalling way. Deep down, I bet they're mortified and wish it had never happened and want desperately to take it back but don't know how so they do what we all do most of the time - get defensive and make it worse! It's human nature. We can't help it. We're mostly not good at these things because until fairly recently in the grand scheme of things, people didn't survive so these things were 'taboo' and not talked about much. Our emotional intelligence has not caught up with the reality of today.

Good Luck x

OP hooray for you Dh and also the other guy who stood up for you.

What a bunch of bitches. Its tough but you are better off without them, they havent got a microbe of empathy in their bodies, its all 'me me me'.
Hold your head up high, you are worth a ton of them.

I hope everyone who is making excuses for them has now caught up with your last post.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I don't think you are being touchy at all.
Can I suggest you and your husband sit down with this friend and get a better understanding of what she said/meant. Once you have done this it might help you decide what to do. I've suggested your husband go with you not only for support but I think he needs to hear from her what she said/meant. Than you as a couple can decide on the future of your friendship with this group. Hopefully it was all a misunderstanding - but your instinct is telling you it wasn't so further clarification is needed.

What utter bastards. With friends like that who needs enemies. Perhaps the females are actually jealous of your confidence and had got used to your role as the ill member of the group for so long.

Congratulations on your all clear it's fantastic news, don't let your happiness or confidence be overshadowed by these people.

do people not rtft

who cares if they were uncomfortbale u dont say someone is attention seeking

she shouldnthave to thrash it out with them theyre not good friends-no good friend would say this

Years ago, had some friends over for dinner. Wife had had mastectomy for breast cancer. She whipped her top up to show us all, in front of young children. We all went woah, but empathised and sympathised.
My ex mother in law did exactly the same in front of my kids for her hysterectomy scar. Again, we were thinking woah. But did not judge. And tried to be helpful.
Guess the point of this is your friends were not being helpful, kind or empathetic. Even my, then, seven year old son had more intuition than your so called friends. Had to talk him through it a bit though.