To feel completely destroyed

[Itsgettingbetter]

My 11 year old DS did not qualify for a bursary place at his two independent school choices. Sounds relatively minor writing it down but it is proving a trigger for larger issues I'm working through.

My parents and siblings are struggling with various difficulties and are all isolated. Becoming a single parent at 24 I vowed to would whatever it took to give my son hope, happiness and security.

When he started primary I returned to full time education having previously left uni after 1 year. This time I achieved a first, got a full scholarship to my masters at a top uni and am now doing my PhD which is fully funded too. I am confident that I will have a successful, fulfilling career at the end of it.

But that is still some way off (2 and a half years to go until I finish the doctorate) and I feel bitter and disappointed that I am not in position to pay for the educational experience I feel my son - who is bright and thoroughly enjoys school - deserves. The school he had his heart set on said they would interview for him for fee paying place. The fees are the same amount as my scholarship - it's practically unworkable.

We have been working towards this goal for years and I feel like an idiot for striving for something that it seems was never really in reach. One of the schools is just around the corner and it will be upsetting to pass it, knowing we're not in the position to access it. DS cried when I told him yesterday but all things considering is taking it quite well. He woke up with a smile on his face today - which I admire him hugely for. I am being positive for him but privately I feel distraught and stupidly naive. I have little support in real life and am tired of battling on alone.

the op's already beaten a lot of odds though - a single parent who's earned a degree, masters and a funded PhD - mumsnet is a place for airing grievances, all of our problems are trivial to someone after all. Op made it clear that her parents didn't support her and it's taken her a lot longer to be near to her eventual destination due to this, so you can understand why she's pinned hopes on this bursary, even if we feel it wasn't a very good plan. She's also said her DS is fine with the setback.

I saw this and thought of you OP. Very best of luck to you and your beautiful boy. I chose the private path for my son for reasons similar to yours, and I do not regret it one bit. It is not something the majority of people will understand, how much this can mean, and the difference it can make. I am afraid that, the demographics being what they are, you won't find many who will immediately "get it" on Mumsnet.

For those who might really want to understand why the OP would be "completely destroyed", do please have a look at this article, and try to live in someone else's skin (quite literally) for a bit.

www.voice-online.co.uk/article/‘people-still-have-low-expectations-black-boys-uk

My son has got a 50% bursary at a boarding school starting September. I think if you do want that experience for him I would look at boarding for him much more likely but probably a max of 50% off boarding fees still 18k a year or day 12k a year more likely if you've been to a prep school where the head knows the head iyswim. I would feel the same way as you op and when you're set on one thing it's disappointing however all is not lost look at Christs entry at 13 and 6th form schooling too. Good luck !

I haven't read the full thread, just the OP but from that I just wanted to say please don't feel bad. You sound like a wonderful mother who has raised a bright, happy little boy who can take a knock and still wake up with a smile on his face. Please be proud of you both for that x

Daemon I don't think the answer to that is for those who can afford it, send their kids to a supposedly better school for a supposedly better education - that might help some, but what about everyone else's kids - what a selfish attitude. My kids alright, fuck the rest who can't afford a better education? There are better ways than changing things for everyone, not just for a few.

Now that's what I call a depressing thread.

Following the responses here that were helpful and insightful as well as a very positive chat with DS' headteacher, I am in much healthier headspace. Thank you so much to everyone who posted comments that were wise and kind.

DS and I are fine, we have had a lovely fun evening. His grace, good humour and resilience are a thing to behold.

Good to hear you sounding positive, OP. I wish all the best to you and your lovely DS.

I agree with you mycats however I don't have any faith in the state system I really dont my son would have sat his SATS at year 6 when he was bottom of the class he found learning really hard. Through the help and attention of his prep school he is now predicted a really good CE pass, in the state sector he would have been put in low sets with a lot to of disruption. The state sector failed me I wasn't going to let it fail my son. Daemon I get it too

OP, your responses on this thread have been gracious in the extreme - I hope the issues you mentioned working through will be put to rest soon, and congratulations on raising such a cheerful, bright, resilient young man. I wish you every success with your PhD, and I'm certain that with such a supportive and passionate mother, your son will do well in whichever school he goes to

Bright kids do well wherever they go,to school. He'll be fine in state - many kids do quite well out of comprehensives. It can be argued itbsets them up better for life and allows a wider understanding of the world.
Go,for sixth scholarship if you want networks and polish.

Good luck OP - I hope everything works out well for your DS. I admire you for being fiercely ambitious for your son and for working to overcome less favourable odds than others may face.
I had a crap education, in a low aspiration comprehensive school. Keep wanting more for him and he will get it.

Are you church-goers OP? Some of the church-affiliated state schools in London are excellent. Or are there any grammars near you?

(Sorry if this has already been covered. Haven't RTFT)

MyCat,
What about good food from birth, reading to your children, holidays. interests that another child might not have the benefit of in the same way that a more advantaged one might. Those are 'private' too, is a person selfish to give them to their child because the another child is not being given them?

Of course the OP is not selfish to want to help her son this way.

Great to hear you are feeling more positive.
I wish you and your son well. you both sound delightful

Private school isnt the be all and end all. I hated mine... scarred for life... and most of my friends at state school have got far better jobs than me.

KindDogs you can't compare the 2 - a good education should be the right of everyone, not just the few that can afford it. Collectively we could all make the system better for everyone, not just our own kids. But judging from MN that's not going to happen any time soon.

MYCAt Both should be the right of everyone really though, and what I was talking about has by far the greatest effect on the educational outcome for a child, far greater than any school can ever have.

By age three the children without it may not be able to catch up with those who have what I described. As life goes on home advantages and aspirations continue to add to achievement.

What is the answer?

In regard to the unfairness of some people choosing to send their children to private schools, I know some people who can send their children to good state schools in affluent areas. The money they would have spent on private school can be put into expensive tac free housing investment in the form of their home, cars and holidays. On the other hand, I know some people at private schools whose parents have much less money, a less valuable house and do without certain things to make the school possible.

As to parents getting schools to change for the better by sending their child to a school they may not trust, but then trying to change it for the better on behalf of everyone else, that is a wonderful ideal. But no one wants to send their child to a school and then start complaining about the standard, or the way it is run. They would be called pushy parents.

What if people home -school, if they can?

Perhaps everyone should be given an allowance to spend on school and poorer people helped with a larger allowance; or else everyone above a certain income should have to contribute to school fees.

As it is the £5000 the state (recently mentioned in the news)seems to pay per head in maintained schools cannot be enough. Good, non-profit making day school trusts charge about double. I think they have already cut the fees to the bone as far as they are concerned.

I do not think the OP is selfish, that is all.

I went to two secondary schools. One came bottom of the league tables in Wales, and the other England. Drugs and teenage pregnancies were rife. Both have now been shut down as they were so bad.

I went to college, university, did a postgrad, and am now in a very well regarded profession with really good prospects.

What my school failed to teach me in terms of the curriculum it made up for in self sufficiency, in resilience.

Many of my friends at university, who went to private schools struggled. They couldn't cope with the independent learning aspect, whereas I'd been doing it since I was 14 to pass my GCSEs.

I did well in a truly terrible school. State education is the norm and most of it is perfectly fine.

Impressed you managed to go to the worst school in Wales and the worst one in England Bluesky

Even more so with your achievements then and since!

I am just being nosey, and wondering how you got on, now that state school offers are out.