To feel completely destroyed

[Itsgettingbetter]

My 11 year old DS did not qualify for a bursary place at his two independent school choices. Sounds relatively minor writing it down but it is proving a trigger for larger issues I'm working through.

My parents and siblings are struggling with various difficulties and are all isolated. Becoming a single parent at 24 I vowed to would whatever it took to give my son hope, happiness and security.

When he started primary I returned to full time education having previously left uni after 1 year. This time I achieved a first, got a full scholarship to my masters at a top uni and am now doing my PhD which is fully funded too. I am confident that I will have a successful, fulfilling career at the end of it.

But that is still some way off (2 and a half years to go until I finish the doctorate) and I feel bitter and disappointed that I am not in position to pay for the educational experience I feel my son - who is bright and thoroughly enjoys school - deserves. The school he had his heart set on said they would interview for him for fee paying place. The fees are the same amount as my scholarship - it's practically unworkable.

We have been working towards this goal for years and I feel like an idiot for striving for something that it seems was never really in reach. One of the schools is just around the corner and it will be upsetting to pass it, knowing we're not in the position to access it. DS cried when I told him yesterday but all things considering is taking it quite well. He woke up with a smile on his face today - which I admire him hugely for. I am being positive for him but privately I feel distraught and stupidly naive. I have little support in real life and am tired of battling on alone.

I think you may have bought into the myth, OP.

Cross post.

A private school doesn't necessarily make it a good school either in general or for the child. Not all state schools are terrible either.

Oh please don't run independent schools down in order to try and cheer OP up.
I have dc in both sectors, one in a secondary modern that most people would run from screaming.

Did your son fail the entrance examinations?

That's what I was asking too, in a round about way

YANBU to be upset you didnt get the 2 schools of choice.
But my advise is save your money to put him through higher education.

My love, you yourself went to a state school, and look at where you are - doing a fully funded PhD! He is going to do well.

We are also in London. State secondaries are great around here (and I'm not in a posh part of the city). Most importantly, he has you to model behaviour and help him along when needed.

The tutor shouldn't have promised more than she could have offered, but it's done now. Onwards.

That sound so disappointing Its, sounds like you both worked exceptionally hard for it. For what it's worth, I have a friend in a similar situation to you, and she was very worried about sending her very clever son to the local state school, but was in no position to pay for indy fees. My DD (his best friend) has gone to an Indy and I know they would have loved to be together for secondary.

However, he's now done half a year at the state school and is loving it, he's absolutely thriving doing such a range of subjects, and he's had no problems with bullying or bad behaviour from the other kids (I worried about this as he's a great kid, but on the small side, and a bit sensitive. But he's also pretty street smart, and that's clearly held him in good stead).

I believe there are many exception state school in London, and there's always the chance of re-applying for 13+ if you're both keen, when your financial situation will have hopefully improved.

He has exactly what he needs, which is resilience. Please don't teach him to be defeated. Success isn't about ticking boxes and getting in to the right places, it's about taking what life gives you and making the most of it, like you're doing.

He'll be absolutely fine.

Exceptional!

advice is

I'm sorry that your DS didn't get the place he wanted. It sounds like you are a fully invested parent and he would do well there, I really feel your disappointment.

But I have to say that from your OP it seems as though you haven't worked at all in 11 years - you don't mention if you worked before he started school, but when he started primary you have only ever been in fully funded education since and still have 2 years to go (so 8 years studying?) Obviously you are bright and have made it to a high level, and I understand that you are likely to go into a job that contributes in some way to society with that level of education. Which is all good.

But the trade-off is that you haven't been working (apart from presumably study-linked placements possibly). You could have started a career earlier and have been earning, with a view to extending your education alongside rather than doing it all in one go.

So although I admire your vision for the future and I am sorry your DS didn't get the place, you have spent years managing to study rather than earn which is something way out of reach for most people. There will be others who have scrimped in lower paid roles, not concentrating so heavily on their education solidly for over 10 years, to afford a place.

Sorry if I've misread or misinterpreted your OP in any way or got anything wrong.

"NavyandWhite

It's a bit futile telling the OP that some private schools aren't good. She had her heart set on one, that's the school both she and her Ds wanted to go."

No it is not futile to tell the OP that some private schools are not good. Why? Because not all private schools ARE "good". Good grief.

Sorry to hear that. But however devastating it is to you now, it won't feel this way forever, it does pass. In this sort of situation you have to tell yourself that things happen for a reason (whether you believe that or not!) and start planning what to do next.

It won't feel this raw for long, honestly, and clever children really will do well wherever they go to school. He sounds like a really lovely, bright boy, he's a credit to you.

Oh dear OP. It is disappointing when you work your heart out towards a goal and don't achieve it for whatever reason, but it's more important to be able to pick yourself up and carry on/try again when things don't go the way you wanted. Hopefully your ds will not be influenced by how difficult you are finding this. As pp have said, not many of us can afford to provide the education we would wish for our children,and if he is relatively bright and well behaved he should do well in most schools.
YANBU to be disappointed, but YABU to be distraught!

OP was he not offered a place or not offered the bursary?

YANBU to feel disappointed and dispirited. It's natural - being an SP, especially if you don't have a close and supportive network surrounding you, is tough. I can see why you're tired of battling alone. As someone said upthread, take a day or two to have a little wallow and (if you can) give yourself a couple of little treats.

And then pick yourself up and carry on doing what you evidently do so successfully - working hard to make a good life for you and your DS. You've obviously taught him to be positive, and you're right to be proud of the way he's taking this. Now start investigating local state schools, and be determined to see the positive in them. As pp have said, he's a bright child with a supportive home, and he'll do well wherever he goes.

at 24 I vowed to would whatever it took to give my son hope, happiness and security

Just wanted to say, it sounds like you're doing a terrific job of doing exactly that.

Yes, the pain of sending your beloved child to state school because you can't afford private. It's a pain shared by so many.

Here we go...

Agreed Navyandwhite

"Ivanaflump

Here we go..."

Lol

Or not. Yawn

So (from what I can gather) you have been in education for at least 7 years (assuming you waited til child started school at 4) and you are still studying - you are also now 35?? Sorry it's really great to have aspirations but at some point you have to actually enter the workforce and earn some money. Most degrees are worth nothing these days.