To feel completely destroyed

[Itsgettingbetter]

My 11 year old DS did not qualify for a bursary place at his two independent school choices. Sounds relatively minor writing it down but it is proving a trigger for larger issues I'm working through.

My parents and siblings are struggling with various difficulties and are all isolated. Becoming a single parent at 24 I vowed to would whatever it took to give my son hope, happiness and security.

When he started primary I returned to full time education having previously left uni after 1 year. This time I achieved a first, got a full scholarship to my masters at a top uni and am now doing my PhD which is fully funded too. I am confident that I will have a successful, fulfilling career at the end of it.

But that is still some way off (2 and a half years to go until I finish the doctorate) and I feel bitter and disappointed that I am not in position to pay for the educational experience I feel my son - who is bright and thoroughly enjoys school - deserves. The school he had his heart set on said they would interview for him for fee paying place. The fees are the same amount as my scholarship - it's practically unworkable.

We have been working towards this goal for years and I feel like an idiot for striving for something that it seems was never really in reach. One of the schools is just around the corner and it will be upsetting to pass it, knowing we're not in the position to access it. DS cried when I told him yesterday but all things considering is taking it quite well. He woke up with a smile on his face today - which I admire him hugely for. I am being positive for him but privately I feel distraught and stupidly naive. I have little support in real life and am tired of battling on alone.

so the op has been studying for years and years and im guessing that the state is funding and then expects a bursary for a private education for her DC and now is devastated

seriously

why is the studying taking years and years to complete

if you were working with im guessing good grades = good salary then maybe you would of been able to pay for your choice in your DC's education

My son earns that as a postman by the way. £10 an hour is not that unusual particularly if you are prepared to cycle a distance to work as he does. Also even if she makes half that that's a huge proportion of the annual cost and if she's doing a PhD that probably does not take up 70 hours of the working week anyway. There are lots of ways to achieve things in life and a lot of people around who say things are not impossible. My work does work. I can't remember the child's age but some employers will let you take the child. I've had cleaners and a nanny here with their children. Don't be defeated. There is always a way! Always. Don't listen to nay sayers. The power is in your hands by sheer hard work and graft just like you are doing on your PhD.

Agree your son has done well to reach interview he obviously performed very well in the exam. The bursaries are only offered to the highest scoring kids who are in need of the bursaries the most

Just to clarify to those not understanding how bursaries work:
A child who performed worse (say 80% score) in the exam, but who's parents are prepared to pay will be offered a place over a child who scored say 90%, but who's parents cannot afford to pay anything (once the school has reached a point where they have to decide between individual, similarly performing children)
A child who scored 100% who's parents cannot afford to pay would usually be offered a full bursary. The interviews are part of the decision also (supposedly)

YABU, have you thought about the psychological effect these expectations and the fact that you are "destroyed" will have put on your son. Independent schools, especially in London, are filled with young people with fragile egos that have suffered because of parents expectations, which left them feeling their love was conditional. You should not set hurdles for your children that leave them with a small chance of success and a yawning chasm of failure. Don't be one of those parents because sadly I can tell you from the other side that some of these young people are so badly affected that they will never achieve their potential no matter what educational opportunities are offered. Focus on your son's confidence and resilience, far more important than a bursary.

From the other side I can also assure you that whilst there might be more opportunities for sport drama music etc when your son gets to 18 the universities won't care about that and their offer will take into account the context of his education and background. Perhaps this is in part what has led to your probably unconscious sense of entitlement and frustration to find it thwarted but whilst it does not work like that at 11, it does at 18 and my DDs state school peers have made it to the universities they should, especially Oxbridge, in terms of their ability and work ethic.

Independent schools have widely differing bursary schemes depending on their ethos and the funds they have available. Some genuinely want to open up the opportunities they offer to those from poorer backgrounds, others simply use them as a way to recruit the brightest. Latimer Upper has moved from the former to the latter in its strategies. Tutoring in London is a racket too, not at all surprised they encouraged you in your expectations. I am afraid that it was unreasonable to have felt entitled to this opportunity. I do hope that you have put as much effort and emotional investment into the choice of the right state school for your son. You rent, so you can move to be near the right one.

Just a note to all of you querying why she didn't just 'start earning' rather than staying in education, do you understand that a fully funded PhD pays more than minimum wage in addition to covering tuition fees? So she IS earning and increasing her earning potential at the same time, actually.

Disclaimer: Please correct me if you are a school burser and I'm incorrect - that is my understanding of how it works and I have 2 dc's at private school and 1 just finishing entrance exams.

Listen, my little brother and I went to a comprehensive, both got great exam results and have science degrees. He's got a PhD. as well. In extra hard science. And he wasn't breast fed.

You'll be fine when you work things through xx

I think describing yourself as 'completely destroyed' over not getting a school place of choice is pretty much the definition of unreasonable, but let's say it was an unfortunate turn of phrase and you just mean that you feel it will have serious consequences and are struggling to accept it.

I would console yourself with the fact that you can never know for sure how you will do in any setting, no matter how much research you do. There are so many unpredicatable factors. So you cannot be certain that your DS has missed his best chance. It is great that you are ambitious for him but you now have to turn that into being positive and upbeat about his new options. Lick your wounds for a bit if need be, but don't let him know about that.

This could work out well in that he can start a at state secondary and then once you are earning, you can decide whether to transfer him to private if it is then affordable. If he is thriving and happy where he is then you will have saved all that money for other things. This way you get to test out if you really need to pay, and hopefully still have the option to do so in the future.

In this sort of situation you have to tell yourself that things happen for a reason (whether you believe that or not!) and start planning what to do next
Yes, I believe this and have discussed this with my DS. We put two good state options on the LA form so he should get one of those. Will think carefully about his extra curricular etc.

How I got my PhD funded
Through a British research council who fund PhD research through 'studentships' which are like scholarships.They are awarded based on merit and on the quality of your research proposal

Don't all children deserve a good educational experience?
Of course, didn't mean my DS is in any way more than deserving than anyone else.

Why should only those whose parents can afford it, or who can win bursaries, have a good educational experience? Don't children of poor families or lower educational ability deserve a good education?
Didn't mean that all. I recognise it is all very problematic, part of reason I feel so stupid and naive for becoming so invested in it. I just wanted DS to access to a broad and rich education so he would have every chance to successfully navigate this society. For him to have a fighting chance. For boys from our background it is truly a minefield, but of course many have and are doing brilliantly.

"OP has been fortunate enough to have many years of free higher education. I don't know anyone under a certain age who has been so lucky. To then hope - nay, expect - that her ds is going to get a free private school place... well, it strikes me as a bit greedy."
Rhoda it was not luck. I worked very, very hard. As mentioned I achieved a first in my BSc and was valedictorian of a class of 80 as well as winning a prizes for best dissertation and best overall performance. Based on this I was offered a full scholarship to do my masters. Based on these achievements and the quality of my application I won a scholarship for my PhD. I earned these breaks. I did not "expect" my son would win a bursary but hoped.

Would also like to add, in support of the "please don't unduly pressurise your children sitting entrance exams" - one girl at an exam last week burst into uncontrollable sobs five minutes into the exam and had to be taken out of the room. Dd then said later on the mother was seen whisking said (still upset) child away with serious cats bum mouth, poor kid.

Just found out my dd has got interviews for first 3 exams she sat. She's very bright but naturally so, we are not really very pushy at all just encouraging. She was really calmly confident about the exams and I think that's a reflection on our attitude. If she doesn't get offered a place il be so proud of her for her attitude towards it all regardless.

who funds the PHD then

and to be in adult education for 7+ years is not a little extravagant then

wow - op is being attacked for being a single parent who's made a good plan to earn decent money by doing a PhD? wow. Or is she being attacked for daring to hope her DS might have a better education than she had? Op, it's all going to be fine, DS has you, you will provide the rich environment. You said your parents weren't terribly supportive which is why it's taken a bit longer for you to get to this point of getting a great career - well done for sorting that out, you must have resilience too.

The OP can earn far more with a PhD than she can without one, and why the hell shouldnt she study if she can afford to do so? The scholarship for her studies has no impact on her childs educational costs, except that in 3 years she may be in a better position to move him into the private sector as her earning (and tax paying) power will be vastly increased from where she is now.

Without academics there would be no one to teach your children when they go to Uni, ever thought about that?

Most people cannot afford to send their children to private school. I forget the stats but isn't it something like only 5% do? Many of those (in my experience) have one or two parents working a lot. Most students can't afford to send their kids privately-I think it was probably a very long shot that you'd have got a fully funded bursary anyway.

As an aside-that's fab you've got a funded PhD! Are there plenty of good jobs available in your field? Sadly I know 4 people with PhDs who can't get the jobs they'd hoped for. Two are in minimum wage jobs and the others went into teaching. Hopefully your degree is in something very employable though :)

The type of PhD the OP has is extremely prestigious but also a prerequisite of many scientific or academic careers. Cannot think for the life of me why someone would criticize that! (it's probably funded by one of the national funding bodies that try to ensure we have world-class training for scientists and researchers in the UK).

I think where an application is being made where there are very few funded places available, and then only to the most outstanding academically, then expectations should be managed in advance so as to avoid disappointment. I'm not saying the OP hasn't done that. The tutor, I think OP mentioned, did seem to encourage them to believe it was a strong possibility.

really? I know a lot of people who finished PhDs and got lovely well paying jobs and if Op got funding, I expect she's going to do really well. Who knows op, you might be moving to America in a couple of years so this could well be moot.

This is where bursaries are imo unfair.

I know people who are "poor by choice" and their dcs have bursaries. Eg small salary and tied house. They live an idyllic existence with bags of spare time and have rich families so no shortage of money really.

If OP's ds had got a bursary, it wouldn't be in OP's interests ever to get a paying job, would it? It would be much better to fanny around with more degrees in order to keep the £15K/yr bursary than have to cough up fees herself if she went to work.

well my son was bought up by me as a disabled single parent

no dad about,average school and is now in his second year doing A level in maths and physics

so i think his future is bright and didnt need a private education

hardly bashing because op is a single parent

the rate the op is going she is not going to be in the workplace till she's near 40 without any previous employment,how is that going to work then with basically no experience

I understand that you're upset.

However:

1. You say you went to a state school, right. And it seems like you are doing very well for yourself.
2. Your son sounds really strong. Getting in with a smile again.
3. Yes, it sucks. But there are good state schools.

What about Christ's Hospital?

(Haven't rtft. Maybe it was already suggested.)

I work in a top independent school and it's fabulous... but, my child is thriving at a (huge, oversubscribed, etc etc) state school and gets a very good level of education. Your child will get out what he or she puts in and to be honest, your excellent state school child will have a better chance at acceptance at Oxbridge than an independently educated child, if that's the road he or she wants to go down. Save your money, pay for extra tuition and Oxbridge interview coaching etc if he needs it and carry on being supportive, interested and loving. That's the thing your kid needs most- a number one fan.

i'm sure Op will cope fine with no real life/real job experience. I know plenty of academics and many of them have never had any other kind of job whatsoever [I do wonder how they'd cope in a non-academic job but they'll never have to].

Sorry luke but I have to pick you up on two things.

Yes, Oxbridge have worked hard on widening participation, but applicants from state schools don't stand a better chance just by dint of going to state schools.

Also, no one should waste money on interview coaching.

so if companys pay for the op to do the phd = min wage how does the London rent get paid?

I can understand you being extremely disappointed OP, but completely destroyed? Really? I would perhaps use those words if someone close to me died, got cancer, lost limbs, was in a coma. Not getting a bursary is hardy comparable. Children can and do achieve academic success in this country without attending private education or if it's so important to you then I guess you can get a job and pay for it.