To feel completely destroyed

[Itsgettingbetter]

My 11 year old DS did not qualify for a bursary place at his two independent school choices. Sounds relatively minor writing it down but it is proving a trigger for larger issues I'm working through.

My parents and siblings are struggling with various difficulties and are all isolated. Becoming a single parent at 24 I vowed to would whatever it took to give my son hope, happiness and security.

When he started primary I returned to full time education having previously left uni after 1 year. This time I achieved a first, got a full scholarship to my masters at a top uni and am now doing my PhD which is fully funded too. I am confident that I will have a successful, fulfilling career at the end of it.

But that is still some way off (2 and a half years to go until I finish the doctorate) and I feel bitter and disappointed that I am not in position to pay for the educational experience I feel my son - who is bright and thoroughly enjoys school - deserves. The school he had his heart set on said they would interview for him for fee paying place. The fees are the same amount as my scholarship - it's practically unworkable.

We have been working towards this goal for years and I feel like an idiot for striving for something that it seems was never really in reach. One of the schools is just around the corner and it will be upsetting to pass it, knowing we're not in the position to access it. DS cried when I told him yesterday but all things considering is taking it quite well. He woke up with a smile on his face today - which I admire him hugely for. I am being positive for him but privately I feel distraught and stupidly naive. I have little support in real life and am tired of battling on alone.

someone up thread said people with degree's etc cant find work in the field they studied in

does this depend greatly on what sector you study in then

sea

Yes, it does.

DH has never had a job outside of an acedemic setting (does that make sense in English?) and he never had issues. (He's pretty much always been UK based, btw).

And I also had no problem finding a job after getting my master's (but not in the UK, an other European country). So, not sure how that would have been for me with a similar degree in the U.K.

If your son is black or from another ethnic minority OP, I don't blame you at all for thinking a private education is the best way out for him, or for being fiercely ambitious on his behalf.

There are so many things pitted against ethnic minority boys, all the issues you mention, plus general racism, especially in the wake of Brexit.

I wish you well in finding the best education for your son, and wish you both a brilliant future.

sea studentships don't just cover fees (depending on which one Op got), they cover living costs (basic level) too. Op must've been very good and fully deserving and have worked very hard to get it.

Why don't you go along for the interview? You have literally nothing to lose. Your DS gets a feel for what the school, and they for him. I imagine for him so far its all a bit of a myth, for the school all they know about is his % results in the IE.
It might be that your son is simply not a high enough achiever at this stage to realistically be up for a results-based bursary. It might be he is not as well prepared as prep school kids. It might be that the same determination and academic ability you have will come across in a face to face. Either way, they get to meet each other, and if your or their situation changes at 13+ or GCSE or A-level entry the door hasn't been completely kicked shut.

Seaside no disrespect but I think you're mixing up the OPs academic career with someone with a degree they haven't found useful. She doesn't need experience, she's getting it as she studies.

OP I really feel for you, it must be a massive disappointment. You sound like an incredibly impressive individual and I'm sure you and your son will be successful

OP, well done for making a success of yourself and achieving so much. I think the posters on this thread who are picking on you must be jealous.

Yes, it's rubbish to feel you can't give your child everything you want to. State schools can be excellent, though, and I do think there are some things that you can do to make sure your DS thrives at a state school, and that is to invest some time and attention in their soft skills and extracurricular activities. That is largely the aspect that independent schools do so brilliantly, and you are actually in a great position to replicate it by taking him to talks and activities, signing up for sports clubs, encouraging him to join debating societies etc.

You may find he is able to get a scholarship at age 13 or 16 so don't stop looking and having conversations. Identify the special talents or attributes, whether those are academic or music or sports, that might make him stand out from the crowd, and nurture those.

That you use the words 'completely destroyed' to describe how you are feeling makes me think that there must be more to this for you on an emotional level. Can you access some counselling support via your university to talk through your feelings about this and where they might come from?

I do not buy into the "bright children will succeed anywhere" mantra at all.

A bright child who is stuck in a class with children who are demotivated, get no parental support, disruptive and of low academic ability is going to be totally miserable and will not achieve their potential. As for the teacher being delighted ot have them - the teacher probably won't even notice as she's too busy dealing with Emily fighting with Samantha, Michael telling her to fuck off and Leo's mum who has turned up to have a go at the teahcer.

However - OP has given no indication at all that this is the sort of school her child is faced with. SOme state schools are excellent, some private schools are rubbish. There's no simple private = better equation.

Enormous Thank you so much for your positivity. Renting out a room would be one option though it would generate only a portion of the £16k needed. Doing the PhD and raising my son single handedly are all-consuming and taking on part time work could adversely affect both of these responsibilities.

FlyingElbows My DS is just fine thank you, as mentioned earlier he woke up this morning with a smile and is coping like a trooper.

"Completely destroyed" by something so trivial. Get a grip. Yes, MySordid, I can imagine how to someone with a completely different life or circumstances it is seems trivial.

Molly Please be assured I did not pressure my DS, he was super keen himself. He was relaxed and perhaps overconfident if anything. I've explained there is a lot we can both learn from this Congrats to you and your DD.

Rouge Thank you for your lovely posts

OP I don't think you deserve a bashing, but YABU - with this over catastrophising attitude you have to what is a minor inconvenience

If not getting your choice of school leave you feeling ''completely destroyed'' - it is an over the top unhealthy response to not getting what you hoped. No one has died, no one has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness. It hints you have very little space for minor things going wrong in your life

Yes your son bounced back quick, that's a great healthy response from him

Have another bash at the entrance exam for entry aged 13 if your DS only missed the bursary by a few points (if by a lot then don't put him through it again).

seas I started working when I was 14 and did so until I was 28 when I returned to college in order to have a chance to attend a good university. I worked in both the private and public sectors - in retail, in sales, as an administrator, in recruitment, as a journalist, writer and most recently research assistant. I have plenty of work experience thank you.

i was overconfident at school, I found anything to do with verbal reasoning or memorize-able easy, specialized in those things and coasted to mediocrity. If I could change one thing about myself, it'd be to drive myself to get off mumsnet and work a bit harder! I have a nice career but if I pushed myself it could've been stellar. A small recoverable brush with early failure can be all good in the end. Good luck op!

OP, please don't feel that the work he has done is wasted. He's still done the learning, even if he didn't achieve what was needed in the exams, and that's got to help him going forward.

11 plus is next year for us. Currently going through the decision making as to whether to take a risk on applying for schools where even my bright kids have a smaller chance of success in the exams (even if they put an enormous amount of work in). The alternative is to aim for different schools, where there is less chance of "failure" in the entrance process. It's a tough call and I'm not sure what the right answer is.

The thing is, as pp have said, your son has shown the resilience needed, so you made the right decision for him. In life, do we apply for further ed scholarships for a possible future career, do we apply for what we perceive as the best schools or jobs? Or do we aim a little bit lower...

Don't feel silly op, you tried to follow a dream, which would have been great, but it didn't work out this time, but that's no reason to stop trying and giving something you want to achieve your all.

It's so very important to try and so many people give up before they start. You didn't and that's a great thing.

What are his best other options?

We found a very good free(ish!) school where my DC have thrived.

I think YABabitU, but I understand school place disappointment.

Be proud your DS has shown resilience in the face of some disappointment, that counts for a lot in life.

I'm sorry this has happened. I don't think it's unreasonable to be disappointed. But can I offer a different perspective?

I teach at Oxford and was interviewing candidates for places in Dec. Over the years, it's become increasingly apparent that everything in the admissions system is designed (as it should) to correct for educational advantages. E.g. an algorithm is used to weight GCSE scores, so someone with a mixture of A and A stars from a state school will do "better" than someone with perfect A star grades from an independent school. But this year was the first year where I started to feel actively sorry for independent-school candidates. To get a place from a school like Eton or Westminster, seventeen year olds have to be ridiculously good. We are suspicious that anything smart they say has been spoon fed into them, and I think we hold them to a far higher bar. Colleagues at other colleges are much less interested in seeing them for second interviews (candidates from some kinds of backgrounds are guaranteed second interviews) and I think they have a generally more difficult time getting a place.

But it's not that the system is now unfair. The independent school candidates are often hyper-anxious, and come into the room spewing pre-prepared formulae. I prefer speaking to the state school candidates, who have usually read more independently and with more genuine passion for the subject. They tend to take the process with more of a grain of salt and come across as more mature and thoughtful. Increasingly, I find we admit (at my college) very few people from independent schools.

Obviously getting into Oxford is not the be-all of education. But independent schools often do justify their enormous cost on the basis of leaving outcomes, and I want to suggest that this is increasingly misguided.

I went to a private school myself and imagined I would want to send my children to one to. That's still a few years away for us, but increasingly I don't think I will bother.

YABsU and I'm horrified your poor son is crying because you sold him a dream of private school being the 'only' choice. Now no matter how good his state school is, he will always think he is a) "a failure" and b) because of his "failure" he is in a 'bad' school.

I really understand why you wanted to send your ds to an independent school. I had a terrible education and the school I went to would have been in special measures. Local education funding was appalling and they would only fund a maximum of 5 'O' levels per pupil so I did CSE in the other subjects. I said my dd would go to private secondary because no way would she have my education. She's now in yr4 and I'm starting to have a different view. We will have to see re finances and what dd wants to do when the time comes as there are really good schools in the area. Does your ds have access to a good secondary school? I think you really need to focus on getting your ds into the school, which most matches his personality and ability.

OP you can always send him once you start working. We have had three entrants this year at the age of 14/year 9 and one last year started in year 10 to just do the two gcse years. Don't give up hope yet. Keep working towards it.

A clever child will do well at a state school.

My DS and DD are at both very good Uni's. Both had a state education. There are many of their piers who had expensive private education, and they are doing no better than my DS & DD. In fact some have dropped out.

Daemon you get where I'm coming from

I can understand you being extremely disappointed OP, but completely destroyed? Really? I would perhaps use those words if someone close to me died, got cancer, lost limbs, was in a coma.
I guess the wrong use of phrase due to a muddied perception

Seas It's not a company that pays my stipend, but a British research council. I rent our home from a housing co-operative - the place is beautiful but the rent is fortunately a fraction of typical London rent.

Pika thanks for your kind message and insight. Yes, there are some underlying issues. I've had some counselling and am working on it.

I feel for you OP, its is devastating when you had your heart set on a school for your DC and it doesn't work out but i am a firm believer that with a loving parent children will do well, you are obviously a great mother to care so much, could you try again at 13+ or could you try a selective school, perhaps for A level if not now...I went to a selective school at 16 and it really helped me get good grades as everyone was aiming for uni...still saying that I have lots of friends who stayed at my state comprehensive and still did well - having a mother who values education like you do will go a long long way. He sounds like a good kid still having a smile on his face, I wouldn't worry, stay upbeat for him and he won't know the difference.

Thanks for the kind posts, MrsBobDylan, Juggling, Rogue and T1 in particular, your kindness is much appreciated

Nervous that insight is very useful, thanks for posting

Niska My son cried upon hearing the news but quickly picked himself up. I am in awe of him.