To feel completely destroyed

[Itsgettingbetter]

My 11 year old DS did not qualify for a bursary place at his two independent school choices. Sounds relatively minor writing it down but it is proving a trigger for larger issues I'm working through.

My parents and siblings are struggling with various difficulties and are all isolated. Becoming a single parent at 24 I vowed to would whatever it took to give my son hope, happiness and security.

When he started primary I returned to full time education having previously left uni after 1 year. This time I achieved a first, got a full scholarship to my masters at a top uni and am now doing my PhD which is fully funded too. I am confident that I will have a successful, fulfilling career at the end of it.

But that is still some way off (2 and a half years to go until I finish the doctorate) and I feel bitter and disappointed that I am not in position to pay for the educational experience I feel my son - who is bright and thoroughly enjoys school - deserves. The school he had his heart set on said they would interview for him for fee paying place. The fees are the same amount as my scholarship - it's practically unworkable.

We have been working towards this goal for years and I feel like an idiot for striving for something that it seems was never really in reach. One of the schools is just around the corner and it will be upsetting to pass it, knowing we're not in the position to access it. DS cried when I told him yesterday but all things considering is taking it quite well. He woke up with a smile on his face today - which I admire him hugely for. I am being positive for him but privately I feel distraught and stupidly naive. I have little support in real life and am tired of battling on alone.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel so bad for a short period of time. You've invested a lot of effort and energy into a plan that hasn't come off, and are bound to feel deflated/disappointed by the outcome as well as feeling a loss for the opportunity that no longer exists.

If the feeling persists, then that would be disproportionate - your son is at an age where his options and opportunities are still open, and you need the energy to see those opportunities realistically and positively and to help him continue to do likewise.

Children's experiences and interactions within the same school can be radically different, especially in bigger schools, and there was no guarantee that your son's happiness/outcomes would be better at the independent schools than wherever he goes. What you now need to do is research the available state schools to find out which ones will best suit him as an individual.

OP, are you sure that the disappointment isn't more for you than him? You sound like you are the one with your heart set on it. He must be under an awful lot of pressure. I think it was very naive of you to set both your hearts on something which is so difficult to achieve when you had no back up plan apart from the bursary, the pressure on the poor lad must be tremendous.

And London schools are excellent, there has been a successful drive to up standards since the 90s. In fact they are so good that the outgoing head of Ofsted thought that part of the reason London voted for remain and the rest of the country didn't was because of bitterness over the different standards of schooling.

I still can't get past that you'll be 37 and a half before you actually have a job. I'd been working 20 years by then.

...and your childs life will apparently be ruined unless he gets a free place at Private school? Why don't you go get a job and pay for it and prioritise your child instead of moaning that someone else isn't going to pay them through private school?

Well done OP. I empathise with your disappointment and it is good to have plans but it's how we deal with disappointment that often dictates the final outcome. I have enormous respect for your hard work and motivation and hope the positive feedback you have received here will soften the blow somewhat. I have found that timing is the key to life -- from whether it is "I" who is conceived rather than hundreds or thousands of potential siblings, to virtually all life's outcomes a la Sliding Doors. Timing brought you your son with all his wonderful potential and characteristics to you and his failure to obtain the bursary at this time will leave the opportunity open for experiences that will, depending on attitude, lead to ultimately better outcomes. Just believe that your combined hard work and resilience and loving relationship will mean a great future for your DS.
To those who feel "studying" for a PhD isn't "work", you obviously don't realise that in the OP's field she is doing research which will lead to her proving or disproving some scientific facts. She is doing this to complete her academic studies but thousands round the world are employed to do this for a living. If predictions are correct Brexit will mean most researchers from the EU will be leaving the UK as funds dry up and we will desperately need top class brains like the OP.

Wanker. Did you not read the OP's post that said she starting working at 14, left school early and worked full time until she was 28 when she started to study. Sure some young (and privileged ) students don't appear to work hard for the 3 years or so it takes to get a bachelors degree but students who are parents and who carry on with their study are working bloody hard if they manage to get a masters. The OP worked so hard she proved herself to be the best in her year. Just because she was paid by sponsors from industry (not the taxpayer) while she studied does not mean she was not working. Now her research for her doctorate is very much real work. Potentially her scientific findings in the future will result in paid employment for many. How is your paid employment of 20 years superior to hers?

I know it's a bit trite to say count your blessings, but, OP, you have a lovely son, are studying what you have a passion and aptitude for, and you also reveal that you live in a beautiful home at minimal rent.

I'm not the one that is moaning because I want someone else to pay my child through private school. I've now been working for 34 years, studied in the evenings and raised two children. I'm not looking for a medal, just pointing out that OP could work and pay for her son.

Plenty children do extremely well without private education, it's not the key to a successful life but I agree it can make life easier.

I completely understand where you are coming from, OP.
Private schools seem to make everything much easier. Academic success is seen as a positive by fellow students. The teachers have the time to teach. They expect the students to go to university and teach them how to apply. It gives you contacts, which are so useful in life.

But, and here is the big but, so do many state schools if you have a good one within reach. I know my shitty special measures state school set me back- I worked hard as I physically could, but with 3 subjects not having a permanent teacher, several having teachers who didn't do any work at all, and an atmosphere from the students that punished success how can it possibly compare to a good private school where success is expected because it is paid for?

And from the sounds of it you have similar hangups.

But the thing I didn't realise was that if my parents had bothered to look at the schools, a bus ride would have taken me to a brilliant state school with excellent results.

I also hope my daughter can go to the local grammar (worrying about this though she's not even two.. ) as it does make things easier. But if not, we'll find a good alternative and hopefully her watching mummy study will instil its inherent value in her brain!

You care, your son will be okay.

OP: just wanted DS to access to a broad and rich education so he would have every chance to successfully navigate this society. For him to have a fighting chance. For boys from our background it is truly a minefield, but of course many have and are doing brilliantly.

You mentioned two good state schools locally. IME a broad and rich education is as likely to be achieved at a good state comprehensive as at many private schools. Whilst private schools will often have more money to spend on theatres and sports facilities they cannot rival the range and mix in most state schools. There are some woeful private schools just as there are bad state schools - you just hear less about them.
Also remember that the big advantages accruing to private school pupils are as much due to their existing family wealth and connections as the school they have been to.

Focus on the good state schools and the enrichment that you as a highly educated and motivated parent can bring to his life. Use your money to give him top up experiences in music, sport, drama or other interest areas. Its a myth that only private schools or grammar schools encourage academic achievement.

My kids went to a good state school despite much barracking from friends going private. My kids had a great education, made many local friends from all backgrounds who have stayed with them over time and didn't miss out on 'enriching' experiences. They also outperformed most of their privately educated friends academically.
You are more important to his outcomes than the school.

Indeed.

I know of one who got a First in Economics at a Russell Group university - actually one of the Ancients - and who went straight into a position at the Treasury as a Junior Economist. He has since been promoted.

The person didn't need a private education or a PhD - or even a Masters - to achieve at a very high level.

Actually, now that everyone and his dog is doing a Masters as a matter of course, it seems, I feel the qualification has been devalued.

"Huskylover1

A clever child will do well at a state school.

My DS and DD are at both very good Uni's. Both had a state education. There are many of their piers who had expensive private education, and they are doing no better than my DS & DD. In fact some have dropped out."

CaraAspen

Indeed.

I know of one who got a First in Economics at a Russell Group university - actually one of the Ancients - and who went straight into a position at the Treasury as a Junior Economist. He has since been promoted.

The person didn't need a private education or a PhD - or even a Masters - to achieve at a very high level.

Actually, now that everyone and his dog is doing a Masters as a matter of course, it seems, I feel the qualification has been devalued.

Wow OP, you've had a bit of a kicking on this thread!

It's a shame your lad didn't get offered a bursary. You've done well with your own life and congratulations on what you've achieved. You can and should be proud of yourself and you are giving yourself every opportunity for a bright future.

Your boy sounds like he worked hard and although he's not going to go to an independent school he will do well in a state school. It's been a bit of a shock for both of you, but will all be history by next year.

Cara ds called his Masters "a piece of piss" and was glad he was working full time, and a part time role (for experience) and tutoring (because he liked the extra money) because he said he would have been bored out of his mind if that was his only focus.

Well done for what you have achieved! As someone else said you are setting a wonderful example. Are you near a good state school? He could still do well there. Try to let him do lots of interesting things, have hobbies and read a lot.

Was it a bursary he did not get, or a scholarship? He could try again at a later age; and you may have a better paid job by then too.

He has done well to wake smiling.

Insan1ty, what was your DS's masters in? Some require more I put than others. I have several degrees and I found some subjects quite "soft", especially where I had aptitude and enthusiasm. However, would have had to put a lot of oomph into others in order to top class and gain awards like the OP

Actually, I'm astounded at some of the subjects one can get a degree in nowadays, though I believe the Govt is trying to cut down on some of the flakiest.

Am slightly bemused by those posters who regard a PhD as some kind of self indulgence. Unless you fund them yourself, they will be funded by a research body, typically because they want that particular research done.

My SIL did hers as part of a larger project on cell research which has implications for the development of cancer treatment. How self indulgent is that?

Mine was in humanities, so I'm not going to be curing cancer anytime soon, but I have noticed that my thesis (which was published) has been quoted for the last 20 years in any work that deals with my particular field. Many of the books I use in my daily work are PhD theses.

pikawhoo I wasn't picking on the OP, am am not jealous of her. If anything I pity her that she's 'completely destroyed' by this. If anything it's an insult to those people who have been 'completely destroyed' by death, serious illness, terrible accidents, rape, violence, terrorism, war etc etc.

Complete over reaction. Thousands of kids get a bloody good education in state schools, it's also an insult to those of us who send our kids to state school - implying her DS will be getting a 2nd best eduction. So while I've tried to feel sympathy, I really can't.

I'm with onecat. There are kids from genuinely poor backgrounds with parents who will never have the ability to afford private school regardless of what they do, it's those kids that the bursaries should go to. However I suspect the vast majority go to the "impoverished" middle class as the genuinely poor wouldn't even think to apply.

If the Op is that devastated then she could park her studies, get a job and pay for private.

If something like that was important enough to me to be "devastating", then I'd be selling my house etc in order to fund it, not greeting in my soup.

Yes the 'completely destroyed' was worrying when realistically there was only ever a slim chance of achieving funding. I feel expectations could have been managed better, especially her son's. Telling him, for example, that few people get a funded place, so that's not the expectation, but it will be a positive experience for him to try.

One of my friends now has an averagely paid job in customer service, and with her phd. She's very content with this, fortunately, but had trouble finding jobs in her field.

I'm not disagreeing with you, wankers, but the OP still might not be able to afford the school fees even if she did get a job. Though there are cheaper private schools who will let you pay monthly, still it's expensive.

Yes, and lots of kids don't get an education at all and have to endure the trauma of war and becoming refugees.

That doesn't mean that the rest of us, lucky as we are, can't have our disappointments and difficulties in life. If it did, I suspect Mumsnet wouldn't exist at all

Seems to me that the OP has been picked on massively on this thread. People have asked why she isn't earning (even though she is), have been implying that she's had an easy life living on the state, have asked how she pays her rent, and now there's a whole host of people suggesting that Masters these days are so incredibly easy that they're basically worthless and that PhDs are useless and you end up unemployable at the end, blahdyblahdyblah.

And sorry, why? Because she hoped her son might get a scholarship to an independent school? Is that something that nobody on a low income should dare to imagine? Don't lots of people send their children to independent schools, for various reasons, because they feel it's better for them? Is it bad to want the best for your child?

What a depressing thread.

If your son is upset and disappointed then you shouldn't have built his hopes up or shown him that you believe state education is second rate.

You've had years where you could have worked if going private meant so much to you but didn't, instead expecting someone else to pay for the choices you wanted to make but not fund.

Yes, I know it's expensive, it's not a choice I would personally make regardless tbh and I couldn't afford it with two and wouldn't get a bursary either.

DH and I are both from proper poor backgrounds where our parents had to make choices between food and heat. We've both achieved Higher Education qualifications whilst working and aren't very highly paid but both doing jobs that benefit the community. We wouldn't get a bursary as we've no mortgage and no debts and therefore would be expected to pay from owned assets.

I'm just saying that in the OPs case there is an expectation and an entitled view that one should be able to make life choices that benefit yourself and expect someone else to pick up the bill to privately educate your child and to be "devastated" when that doesn't happen. Personally i don't think I would have gotten my child's hopes up in the first place without a pretty clear idea of the high likelihood of success.